For example, my painfully obvious crush on him. I knew a man like him could never see anything in his secretary, but I still held onto the hope that he would fall totally and irrevocably in love with me. Jensen was tall, with gorgeous blond locks and ocean-blue eyes that women went wild for. Truthfully, it was a wonder he wasn’t married to some lingerie model or something equally suitable for a billionaire.
A part of me felt guilty for thinking about how hot my billionaire boss was, especially obsessing over the idea while he was deep in mourning. That day marked the anniversary of his father’s death, and God help me, I should not have memorized the exact amount of time that had passed. It had been five years since the elder Elliott had died, and it clearly hadn’t been enough time to mend Jensen’s wounds. I suppose one doesn’t get over losing a father easily, though I would have been the one exception to the rule. My father ditched my mother and me before I was even old enough to walk. I couldn’t even remember his face.
By contrast, Jensen and Papa Elliott had been closer than most father-son duos. In the few times I had talked to Jensen about his father, he had described him as a wonderful man. I had no reason to doubt him, though I’ll admit it struck me as somewhat odd that the world seemed to weigh so heavily on Jensen’s shoulders. The weight only seemed to grow with every passing moment, and it all came to a head on days like this. To know Jensen was to know the happy-go-lucky person he was. It wasn’t an act; most days he was genuinely happy. To know the entirety of him, however, was to know the burden he carried.
There was also the matter of Jensen’s younger brother. Their family had anticipated that Jeffrey Elliott would be the one to carry on the family name. In other words, they expected him to live a long life with a large family. Things rarely went as planned, however.
Six months prior—also to the day, in a bizarre and terrible stroke of luck—Jensen’s younger brother had passed away at the age of twenty-seven. It had been a long time coming, and he’d suffered greatly in the last few years of his life—an agonizing battle with cancer that he ultimately lost. Jensen had confided in me that he had not been present for his brother’s death, and it was the one thing he would never forgive himself for.
As much as I tried to assure Jensen that he had done his best, that his family knew how much he loved them, he never felt as if he were enough. When Jeffrey died, so did the thoughts of carrying on the Elliott name. “It wouldn’t be the same”, he often told me. I couldn’t blame him for enjoying the single life, but a small, selfish part of me wished that things were different. It’s not like I wanted him to carry the burden of continuing the family name, but if he already had the intentions…
Shaking my head, I internally berated myself for being so self-absorbed. In spite of my adoration for the man, the throb between my thighs that became apparent every time I was fixed under his stare, I was Jensen’s friend first and foremost. Even the job came second, if I were being honest. That wasn’t to say my job wasn’t valuable, especially considering the fact that I would likely end up a single mother if I ever found a suitable sperm donor. As a matter of fact, Jensen had just given me enough of a raise to encourage my pursuit of other options besides a conventional family.
While a part of me still ached for a man to hold me in his strong arms at night, I was running out of time. Some stubborn, instinctual part of my mind insisted that I get pregnant by the time I turned thirty, and my ovaries were working in overdrive, sending sharp pains through my chest every time I saw the smiling face of an infant or toddler. At one point, I thought I was dying, but no. I was struck with baby fever through and through.
Hysterical is a word I would use to describe the place I was in. Not ha-ha hysterical, but driven so mad by the thought of spending my life childless that I was torn between laughing and sobbing at any given moment.
I took a calming breath, trying to focus my attention on the work that I was, as mentioned, receiving ample pay for. I wasn’t getting a paycheck for having a nervous breakdown on the clock, so I resolved to let the misery out as soon as I arrived at my apartment. My empty, lonely apartment.
Slamming my hands on my desk, I pushed away from it and rose from my plush office chair. I walked toward the window, staring out at the San Diego skyline. GlobaPharm Headquarters was by far the tallest building in the city, and looking down, I could barely make out the people on the streets below. I wish it had put things in perspective, but it only served to heighten the ache in my heart. I felt so alone, up in this towering building.
One thing kept me steady in that grim moment of not knowing where my future would lead. It was a simple thing, likely laughable for anyone else I may have divulged it to: the fact that Jensen was just in the next room was all it took to bring me down from a ten to a two on the anxiety scale; well, maybe not a two…more like a low six. It was better than being on the verge of sobbing, anyway.
I inhaled another calming breath, closing my eyes and focusing on the moment. Once I was calm enough to open them, I walked back toward my desk. Sinking into my chair, I let out a frustrated sigh.
It was bad enough to be lovesick. It was even worse when accompanied with that strong dose of baby fever. I took a long sip from my water bottle, focusing my attention back on my computer monitor. It was nearly lunch, which gave me an idea that was paradoxically both horrible and fantastic: maybe seeing Jensen would cheer us both up a bit.
Chapter 2
Ashley
I didn’t expect Jensen to emerge from his office anytime soon, not even for lunch, if previous years were any indication. I pushed away from my desk once more, ticking off my mental checklist as I strode to the elevator. There was a small café on the corner, and they were well known for having the best pastries in town. I knew they were something of a weakness for my handsome boss, so what could be better than bringing him one of his favorite treats?
Maybe he would even ask me to join him for the impromptu snack, though I could certainly think of things I’d rather be doing with him. For example, getting bent over his desk and thoroughly plowed. Call me crude, but a girl has to know what she wants, even if there was no chance in hell of me getting it.
Trying to banish thoughts of what Jensen might look like under his suit from my head, I pressed the button to slide the elevator doors open. Waiting casually, I was grateful that I didn’t have to fight dozens of people for access on this floor. It was only Jensen and me at the top, so I suppose it could be viewed as lonely. I only hoped that he knew he could come to me at any time, regardless of how hot I was for him. I wondered if it was as obvious as it felt, if he were hyper-aware of my feelings for him and tried to play nice in an effort not to break my heart.
The thought was a worrying one, but as the elevator dinged pleasantly, I focused on the task at hand and stepped inside. I should have tried to slip away before the lunch hour was in full swing, but there was nothing I could do about it at that point. I could only press myself against the back corner of the elevator while more and more people piled inside.
“Ashley! How’s the boss doing today?” a coworker whose name I couldn’t place asked me. I did little more than smile and shrug my shoulders, not knowing what a more appropriate reaction would have been.
The guy seemed to scrutinize me for a moment, but he was quickly pushed to the opposite side of the elevator as more people piled inside. I prayed under my breath that we would descend the last few floors without needing to stop.
Fortunately, it seemed the gods were on my side that day. As soon as we hit the ground floor, everyone spilled out as quickly as possible.
Taking a deep breath, I shook my head and tried to remain dignified as I stepped out as well. I glanced at the clock hanging above the reception desk, noting that I was making decent time at the very least. I walked quickly toward the exit of the building, smiling contentedly to myself as I stepped out onto the busy sidewalk. The hustle and bustle of city life was something I wouldn’t have traded for anything. It was probably strange, but
I had a soft spot for the sound of traffic, people shouting to be heard over the ruckus, the towering buildings that reminded me just how small we all really were.
The café was a short walk from the office, and I was glad to be outside. Nary a cloud was to be seen in the sky, the sun shining brightly upon the city sidewalks. I realized that I was romanticizing things again, and quickly darted in the direction of my destination. The line wasn’t too long, and I drew a few dollars from my wallet, stepping up to the counter to order a fruit-filled puff pastry, along with a cappuccino for Jensen and a caramel macchiato for myself.
Passing the cash across the counter, I gathered my items and change before thanking the barista. My eyes found the clock once more and I drew in a sharp gasp as I realized how much time had passed. I rushed back in the direction of GlobaPharm headquarters, losing myself in the crowds. I managed to squeeze myself into the elevator just before the door could close.
Upon reaching the top floor, I hurried toward Jensen’s office and rapped my knuckles on the door, waiting for a response. When one didn’t come, I tried the doorknob and was relieved to find it unlocked. I walked quietly inside, noticing that my gorgeous boss wasn’t currently brooding at his desk.
I stepped toward his desk, somewhat surprised to see that his personal computer was unlocked, with all his search tabs on display. I knew it was an invasion of privacy, but a little peek wouldn’t hurt, right?
Jensen was something of an enigma, a mystery I wanted to solve. Carefully placing the pastry and coffee on his desk, I circled around it to get a closer look. I kept an ear open for his inevitable approach, knowing better than to touch his mouse or to actually click through each tab on his browser. I just needed to get close enough to read the titles and maybe something would be revealed.
The first few titles were innocuous, business-related, but as I continued to read through his tabs, I was startled to see something of a trend in his searches. My breath caught in my throat as I read each title, pinching myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.
What on earth was Jensen Elliott doing looking for surrogate mothers? It seemed a man like him would have no trouble finding someone to settle down with. More shocking was the fact that he was even considering children to begin with. It was something he hadn’t discussed with me, and as far as I was aware, I would be his only confidant regarding this issue.
Was he doing this for the sake of his father? Did he truly desire a family of his own? He could have his pick of any woman in the world, and I was well aware that money wouldn’t be an issue for him.
My heart ached at the thought of my charming, witty boss reduced to searching the internet for someone to carry his child. It ached even further when I realized that I would like nothing more than to be the surrogate he was searching for.
Jensen clearly wasn’t looking for a relationship, however, and I knew I should banish the thought to the deepest recesses of my mind. But something seemed so wrong with the situation. I could have attributed it to the fact that I was snooping in business that very clearly was none of my own. Still, I tried to come up with any other reason he would be browsing these websites.
Perhaps he was just curious. Maybe he was bored, and couldn’t think of anything better to do with his time, though that certainly didn’t seem like something Jensen would do. I couldn’t deny that my heart leapt at the idea that he could be going through the very same thing as me. It was almost impossible to consider, but maybe Jensen just couldn’t find the right partner either.
Imagine my surprise at the thought of the man I’d had my eyes on for years being in the same boat of trying to start a family. However, I was struck all too suddenly by something that I should have realized much sooner. I was snooping in very private business, things that Jensen could well be incredibly sensitive about.
Knowing I should feel guilty and actually feeling guilty were two distinctly different things. I had to admit that there was something oddly comforting about realizing that I wasn’t alone in my search. I only wished that Jensen felt he could come to me. Then again, I could imagine how helpless he felt.
Already carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders must have made the idea of singularly raising a child seem impossible. I was beginning to learn that things weren’t always as impossible as they seemed. Perhaps I could help Jensen learn the same… Maybe we could help each other somehow. I had to think over the technicalities of the plan more deeply, but for the time being, I needed to get out of his office.
From there, I wasn’t quite sure what I’d do.
Chapter 3
Ashley
Deciding that I’d invaded Jensen’s privacy enough, I stepped away from his desk and thanked my lucky stars that he had taken so long to return. I made an effort to look as innocent as possible as I emerged from his office but he was fortunately nowhere to be seen. Fighting the desire to slam my office door shut, I pushed it closed gently before turning away and pressing my back against it.
Macchiato in hand, I allowed myself to sink to the ground. My head drooped as I took a moment to try and process my thoughts.
First and most prevalent was the idea of having Jensen as the father of my child. I knew it was a distant fantasy, but I couldn’t stop myself from entertaining the idea. I would likely never have the nerve to confront him about what I’d seen on his computer, and even if I did, who was to say he wouldn’t simply fire me? Now that I was away from the passion of the moment, guilt was beginning to creep up my spine. It truly had been the ultimate invasion of privacy.
Attempting to return to my desk seemed a lost cause in the moment, so I simply remained on the floor with my legs splayed out in front of me. Taking a sip from my coffee cup, I allowed my eyes to flutter shut for a moment.
I was guilty of finding myself lost in thought more often than not, and that day was no exception. I tried to limit myself to thoughts of what my future might be like once I found a suitable sperm donor for my child, though my mind wandered more than I would’ve liked.
Every time I pictured my future child, they didn’t have my voluptuous brown curls or hazel eyes. No, they had those piercing blue eyes and sandy blond hair that I was so infatuated with. In my mind’s eye, there was no doubt who would father my child and there were no questions of whether I’d have to be a single mother or not.
I could see nothing but a future with Jensen at my side, falling deeply and passionately in love with me before making me his blushing bride. Our child would have his wits, my passion, his good looks and…every good part of the two of us, combined into one single being. A giggle bubbled past my lips as I continued to lose myself in my fantasy, already loving this hypothetical child. Never mind that they would likely never exist, never mind that I was only setting myself up for heartbreak.
Full disclosure, this wasn’t the first time I’d entertained the idea of a future with Jensen. My heart ached for him, and the thought of a future without him nearly broke my heart in two, even as I knew I could never work up the nerve to tell him how I felt.
It wasn’t as if he was going to barge into my office someday, speaking sweet soliloquies of his love for me. I liked to imagine that Jensen would be the passionate sort, carrying an adoration for his future bride like the obvious love he held for his family, not to mention his job.
Of course, in that scenario, I was never the secretary, someone he probably thought of as a casual acquaintance. In my fantasy, I would be the woman who inflamed a passion within him like no other. The woman he longed to make love to every night, every morning, hell, even every afternoon.
Long story short, I was obsessed. Who could really blame me? Jensen Elliott was, by all rights, the complete package. I was simply tormented enough to live in an existence where he could see me as nothing more than a friend. I couldn’t exactly push the issue, in any case. I needed my job, and I needed my friendship with the man even more. The thought of pushing him away over something as silly as a crush was unfathomable.
I wa
s drawn from my thoughts by a knock at my office door, and knowing it could be no one other than Jensen himself, I quickly scrambled to my feet and tried to make myself look presentable. I ran a hand through my hair, trying to revive the bounce to my curls that most men found so mesmerizing. Then, forcing a smile, I opened the door.
“Jensen, it’s nice to see you out of your office today,” I said, cursing myself as soon as I spoke. How cruel to put him down for taking a day to grieve!
Thankfully, he didn’t seem to notice my misstep, smiling gently at me. There was a deep sadness in those eyes, but there was something else, too. Something akin to fondness, though I dared not overthink it.
“I just stepped out for a moment. It’s been a busy day. I wanted to thank you for bringing my lunch,” he replied, holding up his coffee cup.
I chuckled, brushing my hair away from my eyes and trying not to appear guilty. There was no indication that he knew I’d been snooping, and Jensen tended to see the best in people, even when it was undeserved.
“I was just checking in on you. I know I tend to be a bit standoffish when I’m…” he paused, seeming to consider his words, “having one of those days, I suppose,” he finished weakly.
“Oh, Jensen, it’s perfectly fine. I just wanted to see that you didn’t miss lunch—you know how I worry,” I said, once again wishing I could take the words back. There was no way he could know how much I worried, how deeply I cared about him.
I felt my cheeks redden at the half-confession, hoping he thought nothing of it. His expression only grew warmer, however, and he reached out to gently rest a hand on my shoulder.
“It means a lot that I have a friend like you, Ashley. I don’t mean to make you worry, but I’m happy to know you care,” he said with a faint smile.
Protect Me - A Steamy Bodyguard Romance (You Can't Resist a Bad Boy Book 5) Page 28