“I’m afraid so. I’m supposed to be following a lead on the latest fertility treatment we’re developing,” he replied. I chuckled softly, finding the situation vaguely ironic. I could only hope we would never need the aid of something like fertility treatments, but it was too soon to determine whether our nonstop lovemaking had borne fruit.
“I’ll miss you,” I said without thought, cringing as soon as I allowed the words to slip past my lips. Jensen didn’t seem particularly bothered by the statement, however, resting his chin on top of my head and sighing contently.
“I know, Ashley. You know I’ll miss you dearly as well. Every moment we’re apart, I can think of little but coming home and having my way with you,” he said. I could only wonder how he remained so confident in spite of everything, if he was ever curious regarding a deeper nature to our relationship. I could never voice the question to him, too terrified that he would think me ridiculously emotional.
Then again, I felt as if I’d progressed beyond the point of keeping my cool. I was certain he was aware that I held some measure of feelings toward him, but he’d never mentioned it. We occasionally chatted about what our future may be like, but there was never any implication of a relationship beyond our cooperative parent status. I tried not to let it bother me, but I couldn’t deny that I wished something more would come from our time together.
I resolved that I would be satisfied with whatever happened, as long as we created the child we so desperately desired. As much as I found my feelings for Jensen deepening, I wouldn’t force him into anything he’d not agreed to.
I peeked an eye open to glance at the clock on his bedside table. It was nearing the time I usually woke and got ready for work, though since I’d been spending time at Jensen’s penthouse, we always woke up extra early for a bit of a morning treat. I extracted myself from his arms, languidly stretching my own over my head. My back arched in a pleasant stretch, and I breathed a sigh before shuffling toward his bathroom.
We avoided getting in the shower together, knowing we’d be unable to keep our hands off of each other enough to actually wash ourselves. Regardless of how nice it may have been to spend all our time fooling around, we both still had jobs to get to. I knew Jensen would have to tie up some loose ends at the office before departing on his next business trip, and I’d be left to run things while he was absent.
Trying to avoid moping as I stood in the stream of hot water, I grabbed a bottle of body wash. I still spent a good bit of time at my own apartment, but I tried to enjoy what time Jensen had available for me. That occasionally meant staying the night when I was too exhausted from our lovemaking to even attempt driving home. Jensen had been the one to suggest keeping a stock of supplies at his penthouse, though he had offered to buy them himself.
Reluctant to take advantage of his kindness and refusing to get caught up in the idea of him having secret feelings for me, I had insisted upon buying my own things. I’d reminded him that I would still have to provide for myself once the baby came, and though he had seemed troubled by the thought, he hadn’t corrected me.
Groaning, I lost myself in the sensation of water washing over me. I knew I was overthinking things, but that didn’t stop me. I liked to tell myself that there was a chance, however remote, that he felt some semblance of the way I felt for him. It wasn’t to say I didn’t think Jensen cared about me at all; I knew he carried some form of affection for me. It was just that I hoped the affection would mold into something more…intimate.
Granted, one couldn’t get much more intimate than we already were.
Shaking off the thoughts, I finished washing up and stepped out of the shower. As I toweled myself off, Jensen stepped into the bathroom to take his turn in the shower. We exchanged smiles, and my heart fluttered in my chest at the sight of him. It was all I could do not to ask him for round two, but I knew there were more pressing matters to attend to, at least for the time being.
Shuffling toward the vanity, I squeezed a glob of toothpaste onto the extra toothbrush I’d bought. I idly examined my reflection as I brushed, wondering what it would feel like to actually be carrying Jensen’s child. I hoped the seed had already been planted, but somehow I felt as if I would be more radiant or…something. Didn’t people say women had a glow about them when they were pregnant? While I doubtless looked much happier since I’d been spending more time with my boss, I wouldn’t say I was glowing.
After swilling with mouthwash, I carefully attended to my hair, not particularly fond of the bedhead look on myself. As Jensen stepped out of the shower, I shifted out of his way to go get dressed. The rest of our morning routine carried on as usual, though I was dreading the idea of going to work.
As soon as Jensen finished his few tasks for the day, he would be off on another trip, and while I was happy that he got to enjoy so much time abroad, I couldn’t help feeling somewhat empty without his presence.
Once we were ready to head out, he kissed me on the cheek a final time before leaving for work. Though we were going to the same place, we went in our own cars to avoid arousing suspicion. I waited five minutes before following in the same direction he’d gone. Once we arrived at work, it was back to our typical employer/employee relationship. That meant I had to contain myself as he announced that he was leaving for Japan.
I bid him goodbye with a polite smile and wave. Though I’d done it a number of times, it never seemed to get easier.
It felt as if he were taking a piece of my heart with him.
Chapter 11
Ashley
The most passionate three months of my life passed, and though Jensen and I went at it like rabbits nearly every night, nothing had come of it. No matter how many pregnancy tests I took, I continued to get the same disheartening response.
Initially, I refused to acknowledge that we might have been having fertility issues. I tried to reason that these things take time, though deep down I knew the issue had to run deeper than that.
If Jensen was having similar doubts, he never expressed them. He kept his confident and cheeky demeanor no matter what, so I refused to cry in front of him. If he could be strong through this, so could I. I noticed that he held me closer after we made love, reluctant to say goodbye on the nights I actually went home.
Feeling as if I was letting him down, I began to spend more nights at home. I only allowed my sadness to spill over when I was alone, bursting into uncontrollable tears with each negative pregnancy test. While Jensen didn’t seem to have the same uncertainty, he seemed concerned about my shift in attitude. I couldn’t maintain my usual sunny personality, and I was beginning to spend most of my day zoned out with zero productivity. It only served to make me feel worse, knowing that I was failing both as a surrogate and as an employee.
Sitting at my desk, I stared bleakly at my computer screen and the emails piling up in my unsorted folder. Tears spilled down my cheeks, and I hiccuped softly with sobs. While I tried to keep my composure at work, it was becoming near impossible. I refused to let Jensen in; I couldn’t imagine telling him how useless I felt. It was as if bringing up my flaws would be the one thing to draw his attention to them, and then he would realize what little value I provided in his life.
Burying my face in my hands, I ignored my computer as it continued to play a little jingle for every email I received. I was losing sleep and could scarcely find it within me to eat, most days. A part of me longed for someone to notice and reach out to me. I wanted comfort from the man I’d come to adore, but I was well aware that it wouldn’t be forthcoming. Not because of any misstep on Jensen’s part; it was simply that I couldn’t bear the idea of him seeing me like this.
When my office door opened, I nearly jumped out of my skin. My eyes widened as they fell upon the visitor, the very last person I wanted to see in that moment: Jensen himself. He held a sumptuous-smelling pastry puff in one hand, a caramel macchiato in the other. As he took in my appearance, his typically confident expression gave way to concern.
I roughly rubbed my eyes, desperately hoping he didn’t see how miserable I was, but when he sat the food items on my desk and circled around to draw me into his arms, I knew I had been caught.
“Ashley…?” Jensen softly implored, and it was all I could do to keep from crying out in anguish. I tried to pry myself out of his grip, wishing that I was dreaming, trying to force this moment out of reality.
Jensen held fast, and while I knew we were the only ones on the top floor, I felt as if this had broken our number one rule. He was showing me a kindness that no boss would show his employee, treating me with a delicacy that I didn’t deserve. Once we stepped back into GlobaPharm headquarters, things were supposed to resume as usual.
This went against everything we had previously arranged, and I felt as if I had ruined things altogether. My reaction wasn’t the most rational one in the world, but my fight or flight response began to take over. Distraught, I pushed away from Jensen with as much force as I could muster. He released me, though it was clear that I’d scarcely fazed him. He didn’t lose his balance, only taking a step back to look me over.
“I-I’m fine,” I lied, resisting the desire to bolt. It wasn’t as if there was somewhere I could run to. The only person who could possibly offer me any comfort was standing in the room before me, and all I could think to do was turn him away.
“Something is obviously wrong, Ashley. Talk to me, I want to help you,” he said gently, reaching out to rest a hand on my arm. I averted my eyes, his touch still managing to send chills through me. I didn’t want to feel chills in that moment. I wanted to be alone with my misery.
“You shouldn’t have come in here. Someone could see us and get ideas,” I said weakly, crossing my arms defensively. He raised a brow, looking at me as if I’d grown a second head.
“There are more pressing things than what people may think—” he started, but I swiftly cut him off.
“Jensen, please. Just…give me some privacy. I don’t want to talk about this,” I said. I wished I didn’t sound so desperate, but there was no helping it.
Jensen looked as if he might put up a fight, but as tears began to spill anew, he simply sighed and took a step away from me.
“I’m not sure what’s upsetting you, but if you don’t feel like you can’t discuss it with me, I respect that. I just… I thought…” he trailed off, his typically self-assured demeanor suddenly absent. He looked riddled with doubt, and it broke my heart to think I was the one who had caused it. As much as I wanted to reach out to him, I remained silent as he cleared his throat and stepped toward the door. “Take the rest of the day off. It’s obvious you’re not going to get any work done like this,” he said, though he didn’t sound angry.
When he closed the door behind him, I slammed my fists on my desk in frustration. My computer chose that moment to chime, and I glared at the monitor instinctively. Before I could shut it off and storm off, the subject line of the latest message caught my eye. It was a report about the fertility drug that the company had been developing. With my curiosity piqued, I clicked to open the message.
According to the report, the fertility drug was intended to greatly boost fertility in both sexes, with promising results in the testing phases. I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t desperate enough to try a fertility drug that hadn’t been approved yet, but couldn’t stop myself from making a note of which lab it was being processed in. Realizing it was nearing the end of lunch break, I internally weighed my options.
As ridiculous and unfathomable as it was, I was truly considering trying to steal a few doses of the drug. If I wanted to sneak in, there would have been no better time than that moment, when the lab was likely empty. I knew it could be dangerous, that there was the possibility of some sort of side effects. Just the same, I couldn’t shake the idea that it could solve my problems. It seemed too good to be true, too convenient. I could only reason that maybe, in some way, it was meant to be.
Quickly walking out of my office, I made a beeline for the elevator. I knew Jensen might be upset with me for a while, but I would deal with that soon enough. First things first, I had to get a sample of that drug. I took the elevator to the third floor, where the lab in question was located. I tapped my foot anxiously as the elevator descended, thanking God that no one else was around. Everyone must have been off enjoying their lunch break.
It occurred to me that Jensen had likely wanted to spend the break together, which would explain why he’d come into my office unannounced. I felt slightly queasy over how cold I had been toward him, but I was determined to make it right. Everything we’d been through would be worth it if I was able to bear Jensen a son or daughter. As many doubts as I may have had about subjecting my body to something potentially dangerous, all that mattered was the ultimate outcome.
When I reached the third floor, it was thankfully devoid of workers. I meandered around and attempted to look casual as I spotted the bench where samples of the drug would be located, pre-packaged for clinical trials.
I quickly walked toward the workstation and saw the bottles of green capsules, recognizing them from the email. They looked relatively innocuous, but I knew things were rarely as they seemed in the world of pharmaceuticals. Just the same, I pocketed one of the bottles before walking confidently back to the elevator.
I knew Jensen had a business trip planned that week, but I needed to make things right as soon as possible. He would be greeted with a night he would never forget.
I just hoped the pills did their job.
Chapter 12
Jensen
During my trip, there wasn’t a single moment where my mind was free of Ashley. While I wasn’t sure what was bothering her, I had an inkling of an idea. After the best three months of my life, with mind-blowing sex almost every night, we still hadn’t conceived. I could only imagine what she was thinking about me, and while it was rare, I couldn’t help feeling a measure of self-doubt. I’d never considered that I might have issues conceiving, but as time went on, I was beginning to wonder.
I knew I had to do something, but I wasn’t sure where I could turn. It wasn’t something I could approach Ashley about, especially not with how upset she already was. Walking in on her sobbing in her office had shattered my heart into a thousand pieces.
After all the time we’d spent together, I had no doubt that I was developing deep feelings for my beautiful secretary. I’d cared for her from the start, of course, valuing her as a close friend and entertaining the idea of something more. It had been a simple fantasy, a shallow attraction to her figure and good looks, but as soon as I saw her crying those anguished tears, I knew without a doubt that there was more to it.
Having never really considered a relationship, it was startling to realize just how deeply I had fallen for the woman who intended to carry my child. I spent every waking moment thinking of her, wishing she was in my arms for every second we were apart. While I was proud of being offered the opportunity to father her child, I wanted so much more than that. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to be her lover.
At the rate things were going, however, it seemed that none of those things would happen. Most men would have likely given up if they were in my shoes. One thing was certain, though: I knew that I was not going to give up on Ashley. Moreover, I would never forsake my duty of having a child to carry on the family name. My father’s wishes, as well as my brother’s, weighed heavily on my shoulders, but it was no longer just about obligation. I wanted to have a family, a real family with the woman I had begun to love.
Love was a strong word, but I had no doubt in my mind that it was what I felt for Ashley. I wanted to make her my blushing bride, the Mrs. to my Mr.
Without love in the equation, perhaps I wouldn’t have felt so awful about the idea of us being unable to conceive. With the feeling throbbing deep in my chest, I couldn’t bear the thought of her being with another man, let alone having someone else’s child. A fierce possessiveness was beginning to surge over me, and I knew tha
t I would do anything to be able to call her mine.
Which was why I refused to let myself get down and out about this slight complication. As crushing as it may have been to admit I needed fertility treatments, I was enough of a man to do so if necessary. I had made my decision to approach Ashley about it when I boarded the plane to return to the States, but as I settled into my seat and began looking over some of the reports regarding GlobaPharm’s latest ventures, I felt as if God himself had put the answer right in front of me.
On top of the pile was a report regarding the latest fertility treatment GlobaPharm had in development. It was intended to boost the fertility of both men and women, and was showing striking results in trials. It hadn’t been approved by the FDA yet, but I was confident that if my company had manufactured it, it would be safe enough.
Yanking my phone out of my pocket, I texted one of the scientists working in the lab. It was a simple message, leaving no room for argument. I was sure the lab workers would have their share of questions regarding why, exactly, I needed several doses of what was intended to be the most powerful fertility drug on the market, but as far as I was concerned, they could wonder all they wanted. I just needed to take the bull by the horns and do right by Ashley.
There was the matter of whether I should discuss the plan with her before putting it into action, but with the drug being in the testing phases, she would surely be reluctant to agree. While I didn’t want to deceive her, I knew that this was the only way forward. If I could conceive a child with her, I was certain things would work out between us. I would make her the happiest woman on earth, treat her like the princess she truly was.
They say love makes you do crazy things, and there’s certainly something crazy about the CEO of a top pharmaceutical company using a product that hadn’t been approved yet. If I thought there was any chance I’d be putting Ashley in danger, I wouldn’t have done it, but all I could see were the positives, the chance to see my destiny fulfilled. My father and brother could rest easy, and I would have the family I never knew I wanted.
Protect Me - A Steamy Bodyguard Romance (You Can't Resist a Bad Boy Book 5) Page 32