by Tiana Smith
A second later, I got a text.
—Sorry.
I didn’t bother responding.
Then my phone buzzed with one text after another, like Elena had an entire novel saved up and she couldn’t wait to see just how many texts “unlimited” really meant.
—I was mad at you, but I didn’t think people would act like this.
—I was trying to get lots of page views for the internship competition, but this wasn’t the way to do it.
—I guess I thought it was ok since I called it gossip.
—But it wasn’t.
I snorted at the screen. So just because she called it gossip, she thought her words wouldn’t hurt? Besides, why was she mad? I hadn’t done anything to her.
—I was jealous.
—You have two guys who are crazy for you, and you didn’t even seem to care. Most girls would kill for that.
—I didn’t think you were being fair to either of them, and I thought they deserved better. Vince is my friend and I really care about him.
—But that’s no excuse. I’m sorry. Really.
I stared at my phone for a few more heartbeats, but no other texts came. I dropped back against my pillows and glanced at the clock. Seven thirty. I’d managed to go almost a whole day without feeling guilty over what I’d been doing to Vince and Logan, but now Elena had brought it all front and center.
Instead I tried to work on my next article for the internship competition, but all I had were a few halfhearted documents saved to my desktop. All of them were absolute garbage, which wasn’t helping my anxiety levels. Stress gnawed at me from every direction, twisting my stomach like a roller coaster. On top of everything else, I couldn’t help but be annoyed that my ability to write coherent sentences seemed to have abandoned me along with all rational thought. Because there was a rational answer to all this, and it made no sense to me why I couldn’t just accept that and move on.
Someone knocked on my bedroom door, and I quickly sat up and fluffed my hair. I even plastered a smile on my face, like that would make a difference.
“You doing okay, honey?” My dad peeked inside. I mentally cursed the guidance counselor for calling my parents earlier in the day to let them know I was coming home. I didn’t care whether it was standard procedure—it still made my life even more complicated than it already was.
“Yep!” I said cheerfully.
My dad’s frown deepened by a fraction. “You sure?”
“Dad, it’s okay, really. Elena texted me to apologize, and they’re running a retraction in the paper’s next issue. It’ll all be fine.” I didn’t mention that none of that made any difference. The damage had already been done, and in the immortal words of Taylor Swift, “Band-Aids don’t fix bullet holes.” I stifled a sigh. “I think I want to get out for a bit. Is that okay?” There was no way I could stick around home with my parents hovering-slash-suffocating me the way they were. And I had something I needed to do.
My dad’s face immediately brightened.
“You feel like getting out? That’s great, Mia. Friends are just what you need right now. Be home by eleven. It’s still a school night.”
He disappeared around the corner, and I counted to ten before losing the phony smile. Throwing on a sweater, I hurried downstairs to the garage before he could change his mind. Or before I could.
I drove around for a while, taking the long way, with extra stoplights and turns. With each light, I went over my mental list. By the time I pulled into Logan’s driveway, I was relatively sure I could do this. Relatively being the key word. I’d never had to do something like this before, and my hands shook on the steering wheel. I had to take a few deep breaths before opening the car door.
Maybe Logan didn’t even care. Maybe he’d laugh and say he’d only been teasing.
That thought should have made me feel better.
It didn’t.
Either way, this sucked. Option one: He’d been teasing, and I’d fallen for it. Option two: He’d been serious, and I was about to make his night a whole lot worse. There weren’t really any winners here. Well, except for Vince, who was obviously the better choice in the long run. Because he fit with my friends and wanted to give us an honest shot. It’d be good for Robyn, too—her business, at least. And because I’d promised her I’d make it work, I didn’t have any other options.
Logan’s sidewalk seemed especially long as I approached the entryway. I knocked. A dog barked inside, and a few seconds later I heard someone fiddling with the lock on the door.
It was Logan’s younger sister, and her smile when she saw me was like a punch to the gut.
“Mia!” she said. “I heard you got a little friendly with my brother in a broom closet.”
“Yeah, um.” I shifted my weight to the other foot. “Hi, Sadie. How’s it going?”
“Great, thanks.”
I nodded like I really cared, but at that moment, I saw Logan come up behind Sadie, and my stomach started doing gymnastic tricks.
“Mia,” he said, softly elbowing Sadie out of the way. She gave a wave and disappeared inside. “I tried calling you a couple of times. Are you okay?”
I shrugged, and Logan immediately stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me. His chin rested on my head, and I breathed in his scent. He felt so solid. Exactly what I needed right now.
No. Hugs were a bad idea. Hugs made me feel all gooey and content.
I pulled away before my treacherous thoughts could short-circuit my brain. I was vulnerable from Elena’s article—that was all. Vince would have done the same thing if I’d gone to his house first.
“Want to go for a walk?” I asked.
He reached inside the door, pulled a jacket off a hook, and put his arms through the sleeves. Then he pulled the door closed behind him and laced his fingers in mine. I let him. It was a type of sad goodbye before I ended things with Logan forever.
We walked down the block in silence. Streetlights dotted the way, casting a spotlight glow on the sidewalk. We were in our own world, the noises of the freeway far distant. The air was cool, hinting at winter around the corner, but with Logan’s hand in mine, things seemed warmer. A few trees had already lost their leaves, the branches looking barren in the night sky, like they were reaching for things they couldn’t have. It reminded me of myself, and I tried instead to think of Vince and how happy he’d be at my decision. Robyn, too, if it helped her matchmaking business. Me, because I’d finally be able to get to know Vince better and see just how great a fit we could be.
Maybe I didn’t know him so well yet, but everything added up on paper, and I couldn’t wait to prove my theory right. Reason trumps emotion, every time. Any good journalist had to trust the facts. Plus he had that face, and that alone tipped the scales in his favor. I mean, Vince belonged on a magazine cover or something.
We came to a playground, and Logan led me to the swings. We sat down, the chains clinking in the still air. Logan was the one to break the silence.
“I think I know what you’re going to say.”
I looked over at him and tried to memorize the way the park lights glinted off his dark hair.
“I wish it was something else,” I said. “Really. But I kind of made my choice about Vince a long time ago.”
Vince had let me know exactly where we stood. He wanted this relationship, too. Logan would treat a relationship the same way he treated school, like it was an afterthought or something that didn’t matter all that much. I needed someone who actually followed through on his commitments. Someone with a plan for the future, who took himself, and us, seriously.
“And it has nothing to do with Elena’s article? You’re not doing this because you think it’ll smooth things over at school?”
I couldn’t look at him, though I could feel his gaze on me.
“I … I think you’re a great guy, Logan. I do.” I risked a glance in his direction to see him shaking his head.
“Then why’re you doing this?”
&nb
sp; I gave him a small smile. He didn’t say it’d all been a joke, which meant maybe he really had been flirting with me all along. That realization made me fluttery, and I had to clasp my hands together to keep them from shaking.
“Elena has a lot to answer for, you know. It’s amazing she has any friends at all, let alone her popularity.”
“This isn’t Elena’s fault,” I said. It was true. No matter what Elena had done, she hadn’t been the one to create this mess. That fault lay entirely with me. And even though I wasn’t about to sing “Kumbaya” and hold her hand anytime soon, I couldn’t really blame Elena for calling me out on my mistakes. That was what she always did with people she was close to, and it was part of why we were friends. My problem was that she’d done it so publicly.
Logan’s face was carefully controlled, but his eyes were intense. They were boring into me, searching for something. They made me feel more off-balance than I’d been even before coming here.
I stood up and put my hands in my pockets. Without Logan to warm them up, they were chillier.
“Things will be better this way,” I said. “I promise.”
Logan looked at me for a long moment, one side of his mouth curled up ever so slightly. I leaned over and lightly kissed his cheek. I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t resist. Then I turned around and started walking back alone.
I’d only made it halfway to the sidewalk when I heard Logan call my name.
“I won’t change my mind.”
I walked away. It took all my willpower not to look back.
twelve
I was wrung dry like a towel, and all my emotions were now a puddle at my feet. After doing something so draining, I was entitled to a little ice cream. I took an extra-large spoonful. Not because I was sad or anything.
“I hate to say I told you so.” Robyn crossed her arms and sat back in her seat. A mostly uneaten bowl of strawberry swirl sat in front of her, the sprinkles sliding off as it melted. “If you had listened to me back then, none of this would have happened, and my matchmaking business would be doing better right now.” She was one to talk. She wouldn’t even mention Joey’s name, but she made gaga eyes at him every day in journalism. I’d tried bringing him up, but she kept brushing it off. She threw herself into her journalism articles, working on them every chance she got. But I was onto her.
“I thought you said you had so many applications, you couldn’t come with me to Vince’s next game,” I said, taking another spoonful of my mint chocolate chip. After I’d left Logan at the park, Robyn had followed through on her threat to “talk later.” So I said we had to talk in an ice-cream shop. If she was going to chew me out, I needed comfort food on hand. Plus, I figured Robyn could proofread my next article for the competition once she was done. Too bad she wasn’t exactly being helpful. Like, at all. She wouldn’t even let me see the article she was working on. It was strange enough that she was writing actual articles rather than just her Dear Robyn answers. But why hadn’t any of them been printed in the school paper? Things weren’t adding up. So that meant she probably hated me and was hiding something.
“Yeah, until half of them demanded a refund. Elena’s article did some serious damage. People don’t want to hire me if I might set them up with a player.” Robyn stuck her spoon in and played with the swirl, then scooped it off like a vengeful guillotine. “I’ll never afford a car at this rate.” She pointed the spoon at me. “And it’s all your fault. I’ll forever be stuck at home, the forgotten child who’s only remembered when my parents need a babysitter.”
“Don’t worry; I promise things will get better from here,” I said. “Vince asked me to be his girlfriend, and Logan is now out of the picture.”
Robyn raised her eyebrows. “You seem thrilled.”
“Robyn, trust me, I’m doing this for you.” She’d asked me to make it work, and I never broke my promises. Now that people were demanding refunds, I had to prove them wrong, to show them how Vince and I were a great match.
She pointed her spoon at me. “No, you’re doing this for you. It’s like you have some kind of popular-person fantasy. It’s messing with your head, so now you’re saying no to the perfectly nice boy who’s already head over heels for you.”
I scoffed.
“Okay, maybe it’s not a popularity thing,” she said, “but it’s some twisted urge to control everything. I always said your perfectionism would come back to bite you. You like the idea of Vince even if you don’t really know him that well. The fact is, if you really were doing the right thing, you’d feel better about it.”
“Relationships aren’t always easy, you know,” I argued. “They take work. Just because it isn’t all rainbows and sprinkles doesn’t mean it’s not worth fighting for. And it’s not always going to make you happy.” I took a swipe at her sprinkles.
“Sure, sometimes relationships take work. But this is freaking high school, Mia. It’s okay to have some fun. And trust me, relationships shouldn’t be this hard from the beginning. It’s not like you need to torture yourself. You’re so type-A that you don’t even see how relationships don’t work with a death grip.” She shook her head. “Sometimes I really wish you’d just live.”
“I do live,” I said, taking another spoonful of ice cream. “I live more because I am prepared. By controlling things now, I have lots of different options down the line. This includes my love life.”
Robyn shook her head. “I’m not even sure we’re speaking the same language. If Elena were here, she’d back me up on this and you know it.”
“Turning down Logan is for the greater good,” I said, ignoring what she’d said about Elena altogether. True, Elena was all for spontaneity. And she made things fun. But she didn’t get an opinion on my life after what she’d pulled. Not for a while, at least. “I even made that pros-and-cons list like you suggested, and Vince was the clear winner.”
“Oh really?” Robyn asked, her disbelief evident in her tone. “How come I don’t believe you?”
I scowled. “What? I did.” I pulled out my phone. I’d made the list in my school notebook, but I’d snapped a picture so I could carry it with me everywhere. In case I needed a reminder. “See?” I handed the phone over, and Robyn took it with a sigh.
She pinched the screen so it zoomed in. “You didn’t even try. This is only comparing Logan’s negatives to Vince’s positives. That’s hardly fair.” She handed the phone back. “Maybe you had fun bashing Logan, but you were trying to prove your own point. That’s journalistic bias right there.”
“Not true. Believe me, this is what’s good for the long run.”
Robyn was silent for a minute. “How would you feel if someone meddled in your love life?” she asked. “Even if they felt it was for the greater good? In the long run?”
I ignored her question.
“That’s beside the point. All I’m saying is, it’s better this way. Trust me.”
“Better. Really. So you’re saying you’d be totally fine if Logan took someone else to homecoming?”
“I…” Swirling my ice cream around, I contemplated my answer. “Yes?” That sounded too hesitant. Why could I never get my words to match up with my head? “Yes, definitely.” There, that sounded more confident.
“Careful, Mia.” Robyn took a slow bite. “Methinks thou doth protest too much.”
“Really,” I said. “I’d be fine with that.”
“Give me your phone.”
“Why?” I cradled my phone to my chest. “What are you going to do?” Maybe she wanted to see my list again. Probably not.
“What do you think I’m going to do?”
“No,” I said, clutching my phone in a death grip. “This is immature.”
“Who’s the one being immature?” She sighed. “Fine, scout’s honor, I promise I won’t text Logan. Can I just see your phone?”
I passed it over hesitantly, my grip lingering so Robyn had to tug it free.
Then she did something so much worse than texting Logan.
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She called him.
“What are you doing?” I shrieked, trying to grab my phone. She pulled back, hitting the speaker icon so I could hear the dreaded ring.
“We can’t hang up now,” she said. “He’ll still know you called. Might as well put your money where your mouth is.” Two rings.
I sat back in defeat. Fine. If she wanted to call him, she’d have to do all the talking. There was no way I’d say a word. Three rings.
Then a thought hit me. Was Robyn going to ask Logan to homecoming?
Maybe he wouldn’t answer. I’d just dumped him in the park, after all. I wouldn’t answer if it were me.
“Hello?” Logan’s voice floated across the speaker. I froze. Robyn watched me, a smirk across her face. No one said anything for a moment. “Mia?”
Robyn raised her eyebrows and held out the phone. I shook my head vehemently. What did she expect me to say? Sorry for breaking your heart? Not. Going. To. Happen.
“It’s Robyn, actually,” Robyn said smoothly, bringing the phone closer to her mouth. There was a pause on the other end of the line.
“Hi, Robyn.” He sounded confused, as he should be. I was confused.
“So, I was sitting here chatting with our girl Mia,” Robyn said, twirling the spoon in her ice cream.
Mentally I winced. Our girl Mia? I wasn’t his girl, and this was like rubbing salt in the wound. What had possessed my best friend?
“Did you know we were all going as a group to homecoming? Mia, Elena, and me? We haven’t talked about the details yet.”
I frowned. That had been the plan. Before we even had dates. Before Elena single-handedly destroyed my reputation. Now I wasn’t sure I could stand to be in the same room as her, let alone make awkward small talk. I needed more time apart.
“Uh, no?” Logan said. I wondered what he was doing right now, what he looked like. Was he sweeping the hair off his forehead and staring off in the distance with his soulful brown eyes? Or was he smiling, dimples and all? And why did I care? I didn’t. I totally didn’t care.