by Soraya Lane
She let her face ask the question. Why not?
“Leave, Lisa. Please, just leave.”
His voice belied the emotion tearing him apart. Guilt cascaded through her. She was the cause of it. Of his pain. Why had she done it? Come looking for him?
“Alex…” she whispered.
“You’re another man’s wife, damn it! Leave!” he barked.
She shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. Because she wasn’t a wife. Not anymore. William was gone. Gone! She was no man’s wife. The knowledge hit her like a blow to the gut. She was going to tell him that, but he looked torn. Grief-stricken. He wouldn’t listen anyway. Besides, she didn’t want to talk to him.
His back was turned. So she walked out. Kept her chin high as the tears started to trickle down her cheeks.
This wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair.
She still loved William. But she wanted Alex too.
Was it wrong to wish for both?
Alex watched her leave. He couldn’t drag his eyes away from her if he tried. And he had tried.
It was like he was lost in her. Powerless to pull away from her. But she wasn’t his. She could never be his.
Hadn’t he already thought all this through?
His body had rebelled. She had felt so good against him. Lips softer than a feather pillow, hands lighter than a brush of silk.
He straightened and reached for his shirt.
Yes, he had already decided that she was forbidden. But that was before. Before Lilly had tucked up on his knee like a puppy. Before their afternoon out in the boat. Before Lisa had looked at him like that.
Before he’d let himself fall in too deep.
It was reminding him too much of what he’d lost. What it had been like to be a child with happy parents. And how much it hurt losing something like that. He’d long ago decided you were better not having it in the first place than risk losing it.
The last foster-family he’d been with had put a roof over his head and food in his belly, but he’d still felt like they’d just had him in order to collect the welfare checks. They’d never treated him like they did their own son. And when the other soldiers, his family, had pinned up photos of their loved ones Alex had never been able even to look at the crumpled photos of his parents. Which was why he’d never let anyone close to him since they’d died. Because he had never wanted to feel that way ever again.
Alex looked out the window.
He had to force Lisa out of his head. Just because he liked being here, liked feeling part of this little family, it didn’t mean he had a right to be attracted to her. Didn’t mean she had a right to be attracted to him.
All he knew was that he wanted her. And that she was forbidden.
It would take a stronger man to pull away from her again, though. And he didn’t think he could be any stronger. Alex had fought it for so long. Thought he could go without love. Without family. Forever.
But the pain in his chest, the pain that had been there suffocating him for most of his life, told him he was wrong. That no matter how hard he tried to forget, to move on and not think about the past or what could have been, he would do anything for a family to call his own. To recreate what he’d lost. And that was why he hated the fact that William had saved him and not thought about himself instead. Because family was everything in this world. It was the reason why Alex felt he had nothing.
Now he knew more than ever how much he really craved what he’d lost. How much he wanted what could have been. And it was killing him that he was yearning for the family that William had sacrificed to save Alex’s life. How twisted was that?
It was time to move on. Or at least to get this cabin fixed up as soon as possible so he didn’t look like he was running out on them. And then he’d leave as fast as he could.
Lisa wanted to curl into a ball and never emerge. What had happened out there?
Oh, she knew. She knew because she’d been the one to go out there searching for him. She’d known that there was something between them, and she’d gone out there hoping to find out exactly what it was.
It had certainly been an emotional day.
First she’d had to deal with the therapist, not to mention her mother on the phone. Then she’d seen her mother-in-law in town. And Lilly had curled up on Alex’s lap, and then… Well, she didn’t quite know what had happened with Alex in the cabin. What it was they’d shared.
She only knew that they’d both acted on it.
And it had been Alex who’d pulled away. When it should have been her.
Alex. Just thinking his name sent tickles through her veins. Made them jump beneath her skin.
He was handsome. He was strong. And yet he was also vulnerable. So unlike her husband it scared her. William had been so together. So controlled. Yet at the same time like a wide open book. Alex was mysterious. Hard to read.
Yet sexy as hell.
She was beyond confused.
There were people who’d like her to be a grieving widow forever. Her sister was one of them. William’s friends fell into that category too. She had no desire to be miserable and alone for the rest of her life. No desire at all. But then she didn’t exactly want to move on yet either.
She thought of William’s mother. Her in-laws were possibly the only people in her life who were allowed to make judgments. She wouldn’t blame them for wishing she stayed a widow forever. She had been married to their only son. She was the mother of their only grandchild. Of course it would hurt to see her moving on with her life.
But even though William had been dead only eight months, to Lisa it felt like an eternity some days. And like yesterday at other times. Yet she’d hardly ever seen him. She’d been a single mom in many ways for most of their marriage. It didn’t mean she hadn’t loved him—she still did—but she wasn’t going to be made to feel like she didn’t care about his memory just because she was a little attracted to Alex.
Truth be told, if Alex hadn’t come into her life she might have taken years to date again, let alone think about another man the way she was thinking about him. But he was here now, and there was something between them, and she wasn’t going to let what other people thought get in her way. She was the only one to make decisions about her love life. And right now she didn’t know what she was thinking!
She lay on the sofa and closed her eyes. It felt good. Relief washed through her as she stayed motionless. Her eyes stung from having cried, but she felt surprisingly okay. If she could just sleep it off maybe she’d feel better. Lilly was having a power nap, so why couldn’t she?
Lisa woke with a start. How long had she been asleep?
She stretched out her limbs and combed her fingers through her hair before retying her ponytail.
Lilly.
Lisa hurried up to her bedroom and pushed open the door. She was up already, but Lisa knew where she’d be.
Less than a week ago Lilly would have been tapping her on the shoulder to wake her up. Now she wouldn’t have had a thought for her snoring mother as she skipped out to find their guest.
Alex. She didn’t particularly feel like seeing him right now, but she didn’t have much of a choice.
She rounded the corner. Sure enough, there they were, standing side by side at the lake. Boston lay nearby, but he rose to greet her. The other two didn’t bother to turn. Lilly might not have heard her, but she knew that Alex had. If he’d been a dog his ears would have twitched he was so alert.
“Hey, guys,” Lisa said.
Lilly swiveled. She nearly took Alex out again with her hook. “Mommy, look what Alex gave me!”
She gave Lilly a beamer of a smile and went forward to inspect it. Now she had pointed it out Lisa could see she held a pint-size rod. Perfect for her little hands. “Wow! Your own rod, huh?”
Lisa acted like everything was normal, even though hearing Lilly talk in front of someone else still stole her breath away and made her want to jump for joy. But, just as the therapist had instructed her, she ign
ored it. For good measure she kept her eyes away from the lure of Alex.
Lilly had excitement literally dripping from her.
And Lisa couldn’t help but look.
Alex still had his eyes trained on the water, his line out. But she knew he was listening. “I hope you said thank you to Alex, sweetie?”
Lilly nodded. Smugly.
Lilly turned back to the water and put the line over her shoulder. Lisa could tell there had been some practicing going on.
“Cast it back in the water like I showed you, nice and steady,” Alex said quietly.
“Watch, Mom, watch!”
Lisa couldn’t not watch, although half her gaze was focused on Alex. He stood with his feet spread shoulder-width apart, arms raised slightly from his sides. He looked as if he would be comfortable standing like that all day.
“Alex! Alex! Something’s pulling!”
Lisa jumped at her daughter’s excited train of words.
Alex calmly put down his own rod. “Stay still. Keep your hands steady.”
Lilly did as she was told.
Alex moved to stand behind her and placed his hands over hers. Lisa couldn’t hear what he was saying, but he was whispering in Lilly’s ear as he guided her.
A splash indicated the line had emerged from the water, followed by an excited squeal from Lilly. “It’s a fish!”
Lisa knew what would come next.
Alex helped her bring it in, then placed it on the grass. He worked to unhook it as they watched.
“Don’t hurt it!” Lilly exclaimed.
Lisa tried not to laugh.
Alex looked confused. Lisa watched in amusement as his eyebrows formed a knot. “Aren’t we going to have the fish you caught for dinner?”
Lilly shook her head. At rapid speed.
He sighed. “Shall we throw it back in, then?”
She nodded this time. A big grin on her face.
Alex threw Lisa a wry look over his shoulder—the first time he’d looked at her since what had happened between them earlier. “Here goes.”
He let the fish go. Lisa knew as well as he did that it might die anyway, but Lilly looked happy.
“Bye, Mr. Fishy.”
Alex shook his head in mock dismay.
“Let’s catch another one, Alex!”
Lisa thought she could listen to her daughter talk to Alex all day. Now that she was speaking to him she’d probably never stop.
Lisa knew something was wrong the moment she walked inside. The light, happy feeling bubbling inside her from hearing Lilly talk turned off like a tap.
Something was wrong. Then she heard it. A soft rasp at the front door, only just audible. She went to see who it was. Her sister or mother would have just walked in. She knew it was unlocked because she’d been too caught up in her thoughts to go and lock it earlier.
Lisa swung it open. The person standing there took her breath away. It was William’s mother.
“Sally.” She tried to hide her discomfort. “I…ah…it’s good to see you.”
The woman looked like a shell of a human. Her eyes had lost the freshness they’d once enjoyed. Lines tugged at the corners of her eyes where before her skin had been seamless.
Lisa knew how she felt. That hollow feeling, and then the desperate barrage of grief-stricken emotion. It was what she’d experienced herself when the messenger had come. It still gripped her late in the night, when the cold sweat on her skin told her that William was gone for good.
For Sally, the torment was written all over her face. She would never see her son again. Just like Lisa was never going to see her man again. But at least Lisa had Lilly to keep her going every morning when she held her in her arms.
Sally had her husband and her grandchild, but she had lost her only son.
Lisa ignored the guilt tugging within her belly. She wasn’t trying to replace William—she could never do that—but today she had for the first time wondered if she could actually start over. Give herself another chance while at the same time not forgetting William. The guilt she felt now told her that maybe she wasn’t ready yet. She might never be. Not entirely. But Alex had at least made her want to find out.
“Lisa, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come,” the other woman said tremulously.
Lisa stepped forward and pulled Sally into her embrace. “Yes, you should have.”
They stood like that, wrapped in one another’s arms, not moving.
“Sally, about before—” Lisa started.
The older woman stepped back and dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief, a shaky smile on her face.
“You’ve nothing to explain,” Sally insisted.
Lisa appreciated not being judged. “But I want to.”
“It’s just—well, people were talking. After seeing you. I wanted to know for myself,” Sally said.
Lisa nodded. Oh, she knew how the town would be gossiping. They’d all have her dripping in black and a grieving widow until the end of her days if they could. But deep down she didn’t care about them. Or anyone. Except her husband. And her family. And Sally was family, even if they were no longer connected by her marriage.
She linked her arm with Sally’s and led her into the kitchen. “There’s someone outside who I want you to see.”
Sally looked confused.
“The man you saw me with.” She paused as Sally’s face took on a hue of uncertainty. “He is—was—a friend of William’s.”
She sensed relief in the other woman. Her shoulders suddenly didn’t appear so hunched, so shriveled.
“He served with William. He’s just returned home.”
Sally’s eyes looked hopeful. “Was he with William…at the end?”
“Yes.”
Sally closed her eyes as Lisa held her hands even tighter.
“He’s—well, he’s troubled,” she warned. “He doesn’t like talking about what he saw over there.”
Sally nodded. “Not many do.” She gave Lisa a brave smile. “Not like our William did.”
“I do want you to meet him,’ Lisa reiterated. “But I want the time to be right.”
“I understand,” Sally said.
Lisa beckoned with her hands and stood up. Sally did the same and Lisa put her arm around the older woman and led her to the window.
Alex was visible. He was still with Lilly. They stood side by side at the edge of the lake.
“Are you two…ah…” Sally cleared her throat “…seeing one another?”
Lisa shook her head slowly. “No.” She wasn’t lying. There was nothing between them. Yet. If there was she would have said.
But she had thought about it. Had wondered if there was any chance of something happening for real between them. Although after his reaction earlier…
Sally leaned into her. “Do you want there to be?”
Lisa didn’t answer straight away. She’d known this woman for years. She’d been a fantastic mother-in-law. And she wasn’t about to start lying to her—not when she’d never done it before.
“I think so.” It felt strange saying it, but it was the truth. If there was a way to be loyal to William, keep her family happy, and attempt to develop something with Alex—well, she would do it. The thought made her bones rattle.
Sally started to nod, and as she did she also started to cry. Tears pooled in Lisa’s eyes too, but she fought them. She didn’t want to hurt this woman—or herself.
“Would William approve of you being with him, do you think?” Sally asked.
Lisa knew the answer to that. She’d wondered that in the night. This afternoon too. Hadn’t wanted to think about it, but she knew the answer without even pondering on it. William had been kind, open and loving. He would have wanted her to be happy.
“Yes.” She hugged Sally tighter. “In his absence, I can honestly say that, yes, he would.” Tears stung her eyes once more.
Sally still had her gaze trained on Alex. Lilly was leaning against him, like she was tired. “Then you have my blessing,
” she said quietly.
Lisa’s shoulders almost rose to the ceiling. It was as if the heaviest of weights had been removed. Not because she definitely wanted to move on, or because she was sure about her feelings for Alex yet, but because it was one less thing she had to battle with. To feel guilty about.
“You know this doesn’t mean I didn’t love William,” Lisa said urgently.
Sally turned damp eyes on her and put both hands on her shoulders. “You were a good wife to him, Lisa. And we’ll always love you.”
The Kennedys were good people. But she’d never thought they could be so understanding. Not when she wasn’t even sure about her feelings or whether she forgave herself for being attracted to someone else so soon.
“Would you like to come around on Sunday night? That will give me some time to…get some things organized,” Lisa suggested.
“That would be great. Why don’t you come to our place, though?” Sally offered.
Lisa wasn’t sure how happy Alex would be about going, but she knew he’d make the effort. Maybe it would help him. Just maybe. And maybe it would also help her to finally figure out her feelings.
CHAPTER NINE
“WHAT do you say we go for a picnic today?”
Lisa looked up at Alex as she asked the question. He was sitting eating his breakfast. There were kitchen facilities out in the cabin, but Lisa had made a habit of asking him in for meals.
She liked the company—although he was nothing like William had been in the mornings, up before her, chatting up a storm, planning their day. She enjoyed Alex’s company even if he was quiet. There was something about him, about his presence, that appealed to her. And he seemed to have forgiven her for seeking him out and precipitating their kiss yesterday.
Besides, there was no fridge out there, so he wasn’t exactly going to keep milk, was he?
He chewed his toast. Thoughtfully. Lilly sat beside him, slurping at a bowl of cereal.
“Okay,” he said.
Lisa stifled her laugh. He didn’t get a very good score in the enthusiasm stakes. “I thought it would be nice to take a walk through the National Park. Boston can come with us on a lead.”