by Soraya Lane
“I could trade you for the secret of pink macaroons?” she offered.
He grinned at her. Really grinned. “Rosewater macaroons don’t sound very manly. Besides, everyone can have your recipe. Your book’ll be on the shelves when?”
“Maybe a year. Maybe longer.”
He laughed. “My point exactly. You can’t trade something secret for something that will be public knowledge.”
“I’ll have you know that my recipes are not available for public knowledge, Alex.” She stared him down. “The privilege of that will set you back at least twenty bucks.”
Lilly pushed her plate in. “Finished.”
There was not a lick of pasta or sauce left.
Alex reached across the table and tickled at her hand. “Did you slip that to Boston while I wasn’t looking?” he teased.
She shook her head. Her just-grown top teeth bit down on her lower lip.
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
She slipped away from the table and Lisa refocused on Alex.
They sat there in silence, finishing off their meal.
“What do you say I put Lilly to bed and we go for a walk outside?” The question burst from her. It felt like a big risk, blurting that out.
Alex’s eyes looked hungry. Eager. She couldn’t mistake it.
“I’ll clean up while you put her to bed, if you like?” he suggested. “Deal.”
Lisa didn’t like the cook having to clean too, but it was only once. She didn’t like putting Lilly straight to bed on a full stomach either. But sometimes rules were made to be broken.
Alex wasn’t sure whether to sit, stand, or just go wait outside. The two glasses of wine had started to help, but now they were just making him even more nervous.
Of what? He wasn’t sure. All he knew was that there was something about being in a space alone with Lisa that made him feel in equal parts terrified and excited. Exhilarated, almost.
He stood, awkward, in the middle of the room. He could hear her upstairs, probably saying a final good-night to Lilly.
Alex decided on the sit option. He dropped to the armchair. It wasn’t as comfortable as the sofa, but it did the trick.
Then he locked eyes with William.
His whole body jerked.
The photo of William in its frame just stared at him with an empty gaze. Guilt stung his body once again, with the ferocity of a blizzard of wasps.
A noise indicated that Lisa was descending the stairs.
He closed his eyes, counted to five, then opened them, looking in the other direction. William was not going to haunt him now. Alex wasn’t doing anything wrong. They’d just had dinner, they were now going for a walk, then he’d wish her good-night.
His thoughts might not be pure, but his intentions were. He knew his place, what he’d come here to do. That he had to be careful.
He knew.
“Hey.” Lisa stood there, looking like an angel descended from heaven before him. Her hair was loose about her shoulders. All reason left his mind as blood pumped through his body.
Alex noticed her legs, slender beneath her jeans, and her arms, hugged tight by the jersey. He noticed everything about her.
He was in way over his head.
“Hey.” He answered her greeting softly.
Sorry, William. He sent a silent prayer skyward. He’d dealt with guilt all his life. But now…now he just felt like a man who was attracted to a woman. Drawn to a woman like he’d never been before in his lifetime.
If he could have done it without Lisa knowing he would have turned William’s picture face-down to avoid those eyes. For once he didn’t know if he could control his feelings, his emotions, his desires.
The cool night air snapped at their skin. Even though it was spring, the evening temperature still fell. Lisa skimmed her hands over her arms.
They walked along the bank, where grass fell down to the water. It was magical at this time of night. The water endless, the moon shining her white light down low. Lisa always wanted to walk after dinner, but it wasn’t something she liked to do alone. Wasn’t something she’d ever thought she’d enjoy with a man again. Not after so many years of sharing it with her husband. Not after believing she’d never fall in love again.
With Alex, right now, it was perfect.
“Let’s hope we don’t come across any bears.”
She laughed at Alex’s joke. Sometimes he was so quiet, yet other times he made light of a situation and made her feel completely at ease. She could only imagine what he’d have been like had he not been haunted by war.
“Did you miss this while you were away?” she asked cautiously.
He slowed his walk so that he was just swinging one foot in front of the other at irregular intervals. She slowed too.
“I missed the feel of earth that wasn’t sand. I missed the wave of trees, the smell of the country. The comfort of being somewhere no one wanted to take your life,” he replied.
She closed her eyes. She had no idea what it would be like to be in active combat, and she didn’t want to know. William had always tried to skim over it, tried to make her think it wasn’t that bad, but the honesty of Alex’s words was precise. Real. He was saying it like it was.
“You never did say how long you were over there?”
He didn’t hesitate. “I volunteered for back-to-back tours.”
She looked out toward the water. It sang to her like a lullaby. Did it have the same effect on him? “How did you do it, Alex? How did you stay over there?”
There was a raw-edged honesty to his voice. “I had nothing to come back to. Nothing to want to come home for. The army was all I ever had for years.” He paused. “When my parents died there was no one to take me in. So I ended up in foster care. The army was my chance to get out. Make something of myself.”
She had no idea what it would be like to be an orphan. To have no family to care for you. The thought, to her, was unconscionable.
“So why have you left the army after all these years?”
He glanced at her. “Because I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt like I’d seen too much, been there too long.”
Alex stepped closer to the water. Closer to its silky depths.
She watched him. The breeze sent another shiver across her goosepimpled arms.
She couldn’t deny it anymore. She wanted him in her life. Wanted to reach out to him, to tell him they could have a chance together. That they had nothing to feel guilty about.
Lisa walked up behind him. She stood there, so close she was almost touching him, before placing her hands one on each arm. They settled over his forearms—strong, muscled forearms that clenched beneath her palms. Her fingers curled slightly, applying pressure to let him know she wasn’t letting go.
“Alex…” She whispered his name.
He didn’t react. Didn’t move. He just stayed still.
Lisa started to move her fingertips, so lightly they barely made an imprint on his skin, until he made a slow half-turn toward her.
Alex met her direct gaze with his own. His eyes engaged hers with such intensity she felt a flicker of something unknown unfurl in her belly.
“Alex.” She murmured his name again, but this time her fingers traced a path up his arms.
He raised a hand to her face. Touched her with his forefinger, running it down her cheek, while his thumb nestled against her chin.
Lisa felt a quiver that ran the entire length of her body. The softness, lightness of his touch sent a tremor across the edge of her skin.
“Alex.” His name was the only word she could conjure. The only word she wanted to say.
He acted this time. Didn’t answer her, didn’t say her name, but answered her with his body.
Alex crushed her mouth hard against his. His lips met hers with ferocity, so different from that first time their mouths had touched.
Alex’s free hand moved to cup the back of her head, pulling her against him as if he couldn’t fit her body t
ightly enough against his if he tried.
Lisa felt her way to his torso, then ran her hands up the breadth of his back, up to his shoulders and down again.
“Lisa.” His eyes looked tormented, wild.
She took his hand, slowly, carefully, and turned. He resisted. For a heartbeat he resisted. Before clasping her fingers tight, interlocking his own against them.
They walked back to the house in silence. This time it was not a comfortable silence. Lisa could have cut the tension with a blunt knife it was so acute.
She didn’t even know if she could be with another man. But she wanted Alex so much it hurt. He was never going to be William, but she didn’t want him to be. All she knew right now was that she desired Alex. Period.
Alex wasn’t sure he could do it.
Lisa reached out to touch his face, just with one finger, and he resisted the urge to pull back. To turn on the spot, flee, and never look back.
But Lisa’s eyes stopped him. The soulful depths of them, the honesty and trust and worry he saw there, made him reach for her hand again. She only stopped moving to lock the door.
The click of it hit him in the spine. He was inside for the night, and he’d never felt more apprehensive in his life.
Lisa turned those eyes on him again. She was so honest he couldn’t bear it. So trusting.
She was waiting for him to make a move. Waiting for him to do something to say it was all right. But he didn’t know if it was right. Couldn’t tell her that it was.
The only light that was on was in the kitchen. He let go of her hand and went to turn it off. Darkness set its heavy blanket over them. Only a hint of the moonlight that had guided them outside let him find his way back to her.
“Lisa.” This time it was him saying her name.
He could make out the tilt of her chin even in the dark. So defiant, so brave. He also saw the light quiver that made it tremble. She was scared. Not brave. As scared as he was.
He let his lips find hers, then he kissed down her neck, deep into her collarbone. Forgot everything and just focused on her.
“Upstairs.” She choked out the word at him.
It felt wrong, yet at the same time it felt so right. He stomped on his inner demons and trusted her. Trusted that they were doing the right thing.
“Upstairs,” he repeated.
She obeyed.
Lisa wished she could take a tablet to quell her nerves. A lamp provided some light, but she would have preferred darkness.
She’d only been with one man before, and it had never felt like this. The quiver in her stomach was back with a vengeance, her skin felt like acid was dancing along the surface of it, burning the tiny hairs on her arms. With William it had been kind, comfortable. With Alex the intensity of her own desire frightened her.
Alex shut the bedroom door behind him.
She looked at him.
He looked back at her.
Then he crossed the room like the strong, determined soldier he was. His long legs ate up the carpet before he pressed into her and walked her two steps backward until she felt the wall touch her spine.
Alex’s touch was like fire. His mouth found hers. His hands seemed to search every inch of her. He bent to trace her collarbone, her neck, like before, then nibble lower, so slowly it tormented her.
Alex dropped to his knees. He ran a hand down one of her legs before slipping her foot from her ballet flat. He did the same with the other.
His hands found a trail up her legs as he stood up slowly once more, his mouth back to press hard against hers.
“Are you sure?” He mumbled the words against her skin, his lips talking into her neck.
“Yes,” she whispered, her back arched with the pleasure of his touch. “Yes.”
There was an unspoken nervousness between them. But Lisa wanted this like she’d never wanted anything in her life before. Her skin was alive. Blood was pumping with adrenalin through her body as if she was about to plunge from a cliff for the first time.
Yes, she was sure. She wanted Alex. She could no more put a stop to it now than she could stop breathing.
Lisa didn’t know if he was asleep or not. His chest was rising in a steady rhythm, and she could hear the soft whistle in and out of his breath, but she didn’t know if he was asleep.
She didn’t think sleep was ever going to find her. She was exhausted, mentally and physically, but sleep wasn’t searching her out.
Lisa felt incredible. She was tired, but her senses still felt ignited. In a way she felt brand-new again. Tonight had been about being brave despite her fears, pushing through her own personal barriers and Alex’s too.
Tonight she had said finally goodbye to her marriage. She kept William in a part of her heart, but accepted she could be with somebody else and not taint the memory of him. It was like she’d become a woman all over again.
She moved closer to Alex. Anything to feel his body hard against hers again, to feel the planes of his skin and muscles beneath her fingers.
“Go to sleep.” He spoke without moving an inch.
So he wasn’t asleep.
“Alex?”
He didn’t move. But she knew he was listening.
“Good night,” she murmured.
His grip on her arm tightened, ever so slightly. Lisa settled her head on his chest and closed her eyes.
She hoped he had no regrets. She didn’t. And she doubted she ever would. Never in her life could she have believed that another man would touch her heart the way William had for so many years. Yet here she was, with Alex, knowing that maybe—just maybe—she had enough love, enough room in her heart and soul, for both men.
She didn’t ever want to forget William. But she also didn’t want to push happiness and love from her life.
Love might just have come looking for her, and admitting it made her feel a whole lot better. For the first time she didn’t expect nightmares. Instead she closed her eyes with a smile on her face.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
THE smile she’d given him, the closeness of her body before she’d fallen asleep, had made Alex stiffen in alarm. Even more so than when he’d first set eyes upon her that day on the porch.
It had been dark, and he’d mostly had his eyes shut, but he had seen that look. Seen the way she’d been watching him. It wasn’t right. Not with Lisa. He was meant to be giving her a hand with the cottage out of loyalty to William. What he’d done was inexcusable. Weak. Wrong.
As William Kennedy’s widow, she was forbidden to him. If he didn’t know better he’d think he was falling in love with her. Actually falling in love with a woman who was so very much out of bounds to him.
He should be banged head-first into a tree for even thinking it, let alone admitting it to himself. Love was not something he’d ever seen in his future. The life of a soldier’s wife was no life for a woman, and now here he was thinking about absurd things like love. The only people he’d ever truly loved were his parents, and he’d determined never to feel like that again in his lifetime. Never to be in a position to feel grief.
He couldn’t ignore Lisa, though, or the effect she had on him. It had kept him awake nearly all night, that smile of hers. Haunting him with its power. Teasing him with its honesty. Making him question himself.
He looked up at her bedroom, at the curtains still shutting the early-morning light out. He should have stayed with her. Should have been there for her when she woke up. Should have nurtured her like she deserved to be the morning after making love to her.
What had he done?
His mind skipped back to the night before. He couldn’t not have done it—couldn’t have pushed her away.
But why?
He had resisted beautiful women before. Not often, but he had. So what was it about this one? What was it about Lisa that haunted his soul more than any horror image of what had happened at war? What was it about her that made him push the boundaries, disrespect his friend’s memory, and go back on his vow to keep his heart guar
ded forever?
He didn’t need to soul-search to locate an answer.
She was different because she was a real woman. Not just some girl he’d met on a night out. Not a girl who had the same idea in mind as him, which consisted of one word. Fun.
Lisa was the kind of girl most men searched for. The kind that you took home to Mom because she would please even the most demanding of parents.
Lisa was the type of woman you wanted to love. To see mothering your children. Lisa was the type of woman he’d always avoided in the past. To protect himself.
But he had no family to take her home to. He had no one. He wasn’t the type of guy who deserved a girl like that. Especially not her. Not when he’d taken her husband from her, ruined her chance for a family life.
Even with William’s smiling face watching him from the hall and framed in the lounge he hadn’t been able to resist her. He couldn’t control himself, stop himself, when it came to Lisa.
And now he felt even more guilty than before. She was not the type of girl you made love to and then left in an empty bed alone. He’d been foolish last night, and had acted like an idiot this morning.
If he’d had the courage he would have crept back up those stairs and crawled in beside her. Pretended like he’d never been gone. Pressed his body into hers and felt the warmth of her as she woke from slumber. Held her in his arms and kissed her eyelids before they opened for the day.
But he couldn’t.
She hadn’t been his to begin with, and there was too much keeping them apart to pretend she was. Or ever could be.
They had no future. It was impossible.
He had to tell her the truth. That if it wasn’t for him William would still be alive.
He’d slept with the wife of the man who’d saved him. What kind of thanks was that? All he’d had to do was deliver William’s bag of items to her. Comfort her, perhaps, if he’d really wanted to do something helpful. But take her to bed?
That was just unforgivable.
He’d taken advantage of a widow. Of a woman he should have vowed to protect. He’d taken from her, disrespected William, and there was nothing he could do to change it.