by Soraya Lane
Being here with them, being part of their lives, had drawn him in. He’d run from it his entire life and he didn’t want to be part of it now. Couldn’t. Not after what he’d done. Not after holding William as he died, with a bullet in his chest that had been intended for Alex.
His friend. The man who’d talked about his family, told him and everyone else who’d listen how much he loved his life and what he had back home. So how was it fair that Alex was the one here and William was buried in the ground?
He heard a noise in the house.
It was now or never.
Alex kept his eyes open to avoid the memory or war, of what had happened, and focused on the porch to keep from seeing William lying in his arms. Looking up at him that day. Talking to him with such love in his eyes despite his pain.
To stop seeing scenes of his childhood that had started playing over and over in his mind. Of his family before they’d been taken from him. Of what he might have had to come home to if they were still alive.
When Lisa appeared he was going to tell her the truth. It was what he had to do.
A smile lit Lisa’s face as she walked. Last night had been incredible. Even her skin felt as if it was still alive beneath Alex’s touch. There was no guilt. Or remorse. She still loved her husband, but what she felt for Alex was great. Different, but wonderful all the same.
Lisa was pleased Lilly was still asleep. It wasn’t often she slept in, but this morning it was welcome. She wanted to spend some time with Alex alone before they were interrupted. Talk to him, kiss him, taste him. Reassure herself.
She scanned the living room and the kitchen but there was no sign of him. He must be outside already. She hugged the blanket tighter around her and tried to dull down her smile. Just because she was happy it didn’t mean she had to go around grinning like a cat who’d caught a rabbit.
Lisa pushed open the door and stepped onto the porch. Her eyes hit his. She could tell he was watching, waiting for her. So why hadn’t he just waited for her in bed?
He looked every part the soldier this morning. His eyes were steady, chin tilted, stance at ease. So different from William. More serious, more like a soldier even when he was off duty.
She noticed the change in his face, though. Recognized it from the man who’d arrived here, not the man she’d been with last night.
It worried her.
She could tell before he spoke that something was wrong. That something had changed from when she’d said good-night to him. What had happened between now and then?
“Alex, what are you doing out here?” she asked.
She slipped into a pair of flip-flops that were resting on the porch and walked the three steps down to the lawn. A touch of wet hit her toes—the ground was still damp from the night—but she barely felt it.
“Alex?”
“I haven’t told you the truth.” His voice was filled with grit.
She reached for his arm but he stayed still. Too still. She let her hand drop. He was pulling away from her. Emotionally, she knew that she’d lost him. That wall had gone up again. Even more so than before, if that were possible.
“There was a reason I came home and William didn’t. You asked me if I saw how he died, and the answer is yes.”
She wasn’t sure where he was going with this, but she stayed silent. He’d already said yes when she’d asked him that question before, but there was obviously more to the story. Alex looked angry, and she didn’t want to interrupt him.
“We were on a mission when he died. We’d finished. Thought it was over. But it wasn’t.”
She kept her eyes on his. He was hurting and all she could do was listen. His jaw was clenched so tight a stranger might guess it was wired so. A vein she’d never seen before strung a line down his neck.
“I was out in the open. William saw the enemy before I did. He called my name, distracted me, then threw himself over me.” He walked backward a step but didn’t break his stare. “I was meant to die that day, Lisa. They were aiming for me. He didn’t have to do it—save me—but he did.”
She didn’t know what to say. It didn’t make any difference. Not now. It didn’t matter what he said. Her hands started to shake.
“He had everything to live for, Lisa. And I had nothing. It should have been me who died that day, me who came home in a body bag. Not him.”
His eyes were tortured, flashing. His hurt stabbed her in the chest but she didn’t let him see it. Kept it hidden, tucked away, not wanting him to see her emotion.
“If it wasn’t for me your husband would still be coming home. He’d still be alive,” he reiterated, as though torturing himself with that truth.
“Alex.” His name came out strangled, broken. “Alex, please…”
“Don’t you see, Lisa? It’s all my fault. Everything that’s happened to you, what’s happened to Lilly, it’s my fault.”
He punched out the words with such fury she didn’t know what to do.
His words stung—not because they hurt her, but because they were so raw. Emotion cut through his body, his face, visible for all to see. Every angle, every plane of him was angry. Hurting.
A sob choked in her chest.
She had woken up this morning thinking it was the start of something fresh. That she and Alex had something special between them. Now he was ranting at her like he’d deliberately taken something precious from her, like he’d done something unforgivable. When all he’d done was be a soldier at war. A man. He’d done nothing wrong. How could he not see that?
“If you’d known this you never would have let me stay. You never would have invited me into your home.”
He spat the words out and she didn’t want to answer him—not when he was like this.
“If William hadn’t been such a hero and I hadn’t been so careless he’d be here right now. Not me.”
And with that Alex spun around and started to march off.
“Don’t you dare, Alex. You cannot walk away!” Her voice was tearful, but she fought to keep it strong.
He turned, his eyes wild, almost glaring at her. “Damn it, Lisa! I’ve wanted a family all my life. Dreamed about being brave enough to recreate what I lost as a boy.”
She stared at him. Unblinking. Questions in her eyes.
“And you—you and Lilly—you’ve shown me that it’s worth fighting for. That family does mean everything.”
She nodded mutely.
“I’m sorry that I ruined your family. I am, Lisa. That’s two families I’ve mucked up now.”
“No, Alex.” She glared back at him, incensed at what he was saying. “You were a boy when your parents died. A boy. You had nothing to do with it.”
“If I hadn’t asked them for an ice cream—if I hadn’t begged them to take me for one—they’d still be alive. If William hadn’t—”
Lisa reached for him, and this time he didn’t fight her. He let himself be pulled into her arms. She held him like she would comfort a child.
“You know William would have done the same for any of his men. You know that, right?”
He stayed ominously still.
“You can’t keep blaming yourself, Alex. You’re an intelligent man. You know a child cannot take responsibility for death. For fate. Lilly wanted to go for a picnic the other day, but it wasn’t her fault that we came across a bear.”
Alex pulled back and watched her. She saw recognition in his eyes, but he still looked angry.
“Alex?”
He took a deep, shuddering breath.
“I understand, Alex.” She kept hold of his arms. “It doesn’t mean you stop hurting. It just means you need to let go of the blame you feel. The guilt. Don’t let your past stop you from…”
He watched her intently.
“From a second-chance family.”
He looked at her long and hard. Then he carefully detached her hands from his arms and turned around.
He started walking.
And he didn’t look back.
&nbs
p; Lisa’s eyes were too filled with tears to watch where he went.
She fell down onto the porch step. Her legs folded, buckled and refused to hold her up. Her hands shook like they had received an electric current that had torn every thread of her skin. Her muscles felt weak, bones liquid.
She had gone through every emotion possible when William had died, when the messengers in uniform had knocked on her door to tell her the news in person. They’d asked her if she had someone to come and be with her, watched with doom-filled eyes as she’d dialed her sister with a shaking hand and asked her to come over.
When they’d told her, as Anna held her hand, she’d sobbed with the uselessness of the situation, knowing that he’d been dead how long—maybe hours? An entire day?—and she’d just gone about her business with no idea that her husband had been gunned down. Then she’d been angry, beaten at the sofa with all her might.
Then she’d felt relief. A sickening wash of relief that there would be no more days of worrying, of hoping he was okay. Because he’d already gone.
Up until the day Alex had arrived she had still been heaving with different emotions, feelings. She still was.
But this? This was equally bad.
Because she’d finally pushed through her sadness, her grief and her anger, and she’d been ready to start over again. Comfortable with the choice she’d made last night.
How wrong she’d been.
And now Alex was going to leave for good. She could feel it.
He was going to leave and she’d never see him again.
The man she had been slowly falling in love with was going to leave her, and there was nothing she could do about it.
A few months ago she’d felt like the black widow. As if life was over and she’d never be able to claw her way back to normality. Well, she had. She’d forced her head above water, gotten on with life despite her pain, and then found Alex on her doorstep.
The man had been a stranger to her then, but now he was real. And she wanted him to be there beside her as she started this life. She’d chosen to love Alex without guilt in her heart. But instead of returning that love he was going. Blaming himself for something he had never had the power to control. Holding on to pain from the past that she wanted to help him say goodbye to.
She loved him. If she hadn’t loved him she never would have invited him into her bed last night.
Alex walked. He walked like he’d never walked before. As if there was a demon after him that wanted his life and if he stopped it would grab him by the throat.
He’d grabbed his pack from the car on the way past and it thumped rhythmically against his back now as he moved. What he needed was a night out in the open to clear his head. He couldn’t care less if it was illegal to camp in the National Park. The place bordered the property, and it was surrounded by thousands of miles of forest. No one was going to bother about a single man minding his own business.
His feet pounded, ignoring the tug of roots as they tripped at his boots. The aroma of pine trees that he usually found so alluring did little to appease him. To tease the thunderous mood from him.
He’d told her the truth. The whole truth. He’d never forgive himself for what had happened that day, for not being alert enough to notice the snipers, for not screaming no at William as he’d moved to save him. For not acting fast enough himself and preventing the situation in the first place. Just like he’d never forgive himself for asking for ice cream that day of the crash. For putting his parents in the car that day.
Alex stopped. He stopped walking and braced one hand against a tree trunk to steady his breathing. And his mind.
It had all happened so fast. Too fast for him to do anything about it. Too fast for him to realize what was going on around him. Too fast for him to stop William from sacrificing his own life. Just like he’d been powerless as a boy.
His mind flashed to Lisa. To the torment on her face. He’d hurt her.
He should have told her right at the start. Should have explained what had happened and asked for her forgiveness that first day as they’d sat on the porch. Instead of letting things get this far before admitting his guilt. Instead of taking her to bed and letting her become intimate with the man she should be blaming for the way her life had turned out.
If he could take it back he would. If he could go back in time and take the bullets that had been destined for him he wouldn’t hesitate. Not when it meant giving a woman her husband back and a child her father.
Because who would miss him? Who would even care that he was gone? Wasn’t that why he had joined the army? Why he had always been so good at his job? Because he’d had no fear.
All his adult life he’d never had anything to live for, and it had made him fearless in the field.
Until now.
He had done his time in the army and he was finally putting that chapter of his life away. He’d never thought the day would come, but after William had died something inside him had had enough. He’d finished his tour and then asked to be relieved of his duty.
He might not have any plans, no idea of what he wanted to do yet, but it didn’t involve the army. Not anymore.
The only thing he was sure about was that he couldn’t stay here. Not now. He had to leave.
Lisa would probably have his stuff packed. She’d probably already chucked his belongings in the back of his car and was waiting to bid him farewell.
A knife stabbed at the muscles of his stomach, but he ignored it as he would a hunger pang.
Then he started marching.
The demon was after him again and he wanted to lose it.
He’d crossed the spot she’d mentioned that time they’d all been out together. Close to the neighbor’s boundary. Then he’d followed the river until he’d come to a trail, and then he’d walked until he was exhausted.
He should have brought his rod with him. A man could only walk so far. Even he knew that. And yet his anger, his determination and guilt, had seen him pound out miles even he hadn’t known he was capable of.
If he’d brought a line with him at least he could have eaten.
Alex guessed it to be about two o’clock. He squinted up at the sun. Yes, at least two. He fell in a messy heap to the ground and dragged his pack off his back.
He’d thrown the bag together before he’d left the mainland, thinking he’d be camping his first night out, but it still didn’t hold everything he needed.
There was a box of wax matches, a few snack bars, his sleeping bag, and a tall bottle of water. He pulled off the lid and sculled a few deep mouthfuls.
It was stupid, his being out here without preparing properly first, but it wasn’t as if his decision to march off into a national park had been made via logical conclusions.
He knew how to survive, could fend for himself for a decent amount of time out here if he had to, but he didn’t really fancy being this far from civilization. Not at this time of year, when the bears were still hungry. Not to mention the wolves he’d heard call out in the night from the cabin.
He jumped back to his feet. What he needed was enough wood to start a fire. At least that would keep predators and any four-legged foes at bay.
Alex started to work. He scouted the site for timber, and his search didn’t take him far. But he still worked up a sweat. Wet heat clung to his forehead and neck. He removed his shirt and wiped his skin, before tucking it into the back of his jeans. Then he sought out stones for the fire’s perimeter, which proved harder. He marked his trail, lightly, and headed back out to the river-edge. It took him at least half an hour to walk in and out with the first load of stones, but the next two trips were shorter.
By now he’d only counted one sign of wildlife. Two elk drinking greedily from the river. They’d scarpered fast when they’d seen him.
The loud twitter of birds had built to an almost deafening crescendo. He was pleased they were only just starting to sing like that. It meant he still had time to get this fire belting out heat and a steady
flame glowing before darkness fell like a consuming blanket.
He pushed away the thoughts that niggled at his mind. He might have been stupid coming, but he was here now, and if anything he could punish himself by sleeping rough for the night.
He tinkered with the fire, blowing on the dried leaves he’d built up in the centre, cupping his hands to stop the wind dispelling the lick of flame that tickled the base of the leaves.
It only took him one try to get the fire breathing back at him.
Alex reached for a second snack bar and chewed each mouthful slowly. It had to last him until morning.
He had a feeling he should rest now too. When the wolves started their nightly ritual and sang to the forest, or the rustle of animal moved between the trees, he wasn’t going to get any shut-eye. Plus he wanted to keep that fire stoked all night, to make sure he didn’t become part of the food chain.
Alex took the waterproof sheet from his pack and strung it between the low branches of three trees that surrounded his spot. It was close enough to the fire to allow protection and a glimmer of heat, and the way the trees met with thick brush meant his back would be partly protected.
He dragged his T-shirt back over his head as the air began to cool around him, threw another few branches on the fire and slipped into his sleeping bag.
On second thought… He unzipped the end so his feet poked out. At least he’d be able to run quickly if something did happen. The idea of being stuck helpless inside a bag was not one he wanted to entertain.
It was dark, and still he hadn’t come home. Lisa was starting to worry.
The trouble was, she didn’t want to call her mother or her sister. What would she tell them? That the man she’d kept insisting was just a visitor had left, as he was entitled to, and not returned? It wasn’t like she was wanting to keep tabs on him, but walking out into the forest and not coming back before dark was not something she had expected him to do. Even that angry, she hadn’t expected him to do that.
Alex never would have left the rental car sitting in her drive if he wasn’t coming back, and his things were still in the cabin. She didn’t have to check to know that.