by Jenika Snow
“You’ll never know how much I want you right now, but I think we should get something to eat, talk about some shit, and then revisit this later once everything is all out,” he said.
She let go of him, looked down at his chest, and then nodded. When she lifted her gaze there was this hesitance in her expression. She licked her lips, and in a soft voice said, “Yeah, we really do need to talk, Toby.”
Chapter Ten
Shoshanna glanced out the passenger side window and watched the houses pass by in a blur of color and speed. They had only been driving for the last ten minutes, but it had been in silence, with this heavy weight surrounding them. She felt the heavy, warm weight of his hand on hers and looked down. Toby rested his hand on top of hers and slipped his fingers between her much thinner, smaller ones. They drove like that for the next five minutes, and when he pulled into town and stopped at the little Italian restaurant that had just opened up this past year, she felt her heart speed up. When was a good time to tell him about the baby? Should she do it now where they were sitting in the privacy of his car, or maybe wait until they were inside where the crowd could be a buffer? Toby wanted her now, but how would he feel once she laid this down in front of him?
He pulled into a parking spot and cut the engine, and for several moments they just sat there. He turned and looked at her face, and then lowered her gaze down to where their hands were entwined. “Is this okay, Shoshanna?” he asked in a soft, deep voice.
She smiled. “We’ve had sex, so holding hands is totally okay.” She looked down at their hands and covered the back of his with her palm. “This is nice.” Shoshanna felt like a teenage girl again. The butterflies in her belly started to go wild, and beads of perspiration dotted the area between her breasts. He shifted in his seat, and she couldn’t help but glance down at his big, strong thighs. Her eyes widened when she saw the bulge pressed against his fly. Oh. God. He was aroused. She licked her lips again, the damn things suddenly so dry.
“I guess we should go in and eat,” he said, smiled big, and squeezed her hand all seemingly at the same time. Before she could open the door he was climbing out of the car and making his way around the front bumper and to her side. He opened the passenger side door and helped her out. She had never been with a guy so attentive to her, so nice and genuine.
They made their way into the restaurant, and didn’t have to wait for a table in the back. It was intimate, covered with a plastic red and white checkered tablecloth, and even had a small candle in a wine bottle sitting in the center. Once seated with their drink order placed, Toby leaned forward and rested his forearms on the table. The way he looked at her told her that this conversation wouldn’t be lighthearted. Whatever he had to say was serious, but not as serious as what she would tell him before this night was over with. She glanced down at the table, needing to break the intense stare they had, and thought about how this was actually going to end. They were both so young, so inexperienced when it came to something like this. She wasn’t ready for a baby, and she had to assume neither was Toby. But whether they were ready or not didn’t matter, because she was going to have his child, and she was going to keep it with or without his help.
“Shoshanna, look at me.”
The way he said those words had her wanting to do what he said. She didn’t think of herself as a pushover, but the rough timbre had her automatically responding and it wasn’t something she could help. He held her gaze for a suspended moment.
“Tell me what you’re thinking.”
No, she wouldn’t tell him about the pregnancy right now, but she would when they were alone again, after the night was over with, and there wasn’t a lot of awkward time to spend together. “Why me?” The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them. He leaned back in his seat as if he were surprised by her question.
“Why you?”
She nodded.
“Honestly, I don’t know what it is about you that has me so drawn.”
“Um, thanks?” She had no clue if that was a compliment or not.
He smiled and then chuckled. “I meant that in only the best of ways. “Why not you is a better question.” Before he could elaborate the waitress came by with their drinks.
“I just don’t know what you’re trying to do here with me.” A date didn’t constitute a serious, monogamous relationship, she knew that, but for her this was more than just that one-night stand.
“I’m going to be honest and lay everything out there, Shoshanna, because that is one of the reasons I wanted to see you again … to be honest with you.” He rested one arm over the back of his chair and straightened his leg out the side. “My home life was shitty, my father a drunk that liked to beat his wife and son, and that was all I ever knew until I could fight back.”
Her heart went in her throat at his words. “I am so sorry. I had no clue.”
He shook his head. “No one did, not really. My dad could hide shit pretty well. He partied, made friends, and everyone loved him.” Toby started messing with the napkin in front of him. “But then he’d take out his anger and frustration on my mom and me, hit us because he thought he was stronger.” He stared at her eyes now. “That is, he used to until I started fighting back.” He exhaled roughly, looked at the ceiling for a moment as if he were trying to get his bearings, and when he spoke this time it was filled with so much emotion. “I party too much, probably shouldn’t even be drinking alcohol, and have gotten into my fair share of fights. I shouldn’t be with the women I associate with, should be more responsible. We shared a connection back then, Shoshanna, and I knew I needed to be a better person. I have never felt anything else like it since.”
Her breath stalled at his words.
“I won’t sugarcoat my life, and I don’t have much to offer.” He leaned forward another inch. “But despite the rumors you heard, which I won’t deny are probably true for the most part, I do know that I want you.”
“Toby—”
“Please, baby, let me finish.” He took a deep breath. “I know I don’t deserve you, but I want to be honest and tell you where I stand.” He took a deep breath and looked away. A frown marred the area between his eyes, and for a moment he seemed so vulnerable and lost. He schooled his features and looked back at her. “Whether you believe this or not, I want you, Shoshanna. I think about you constantly, have since that year in high school. I was just a stupid asshole that got in too much trouble to have the balls to do something about what I want.”
This whole conversation had turned into something so much deeper. Here he was, baring his soul because he wanted her? “I just don’t understand. You never even spoke to me directly in school, didn’t even know I was alive until we knocked into each other at school.” She swallowed. “And so much time has passed, Toby. After one night of sex, and you having to be gone due to … due to your father passing, you’re now saying you want me for something more, like a serious commitment?” she asked sincerely, not sure if all of this was actually happening.
He took her hand in his. “Yes, all of that and more, Shoshanna. I want you, and I know you want me, too. Whether or not I deserve to be with you is your call.” He squeezed her hand gently. “But I promise I want to show you that I do want this more than I have ever wanted anything, Shoshanna.”
“This is so crazy, Toby.”
He smiled softly. “I know, baby, and I swear I can’t even begin to describe why I feel this strongly, but I promise I do, and it feels fucking incredible.”
You might think differently when I tell you about the baby.
“Can we start over?”
“I’d really like that, but I have to talk to you about something also, Toby.” Laughing couples and happy families surrounded them. Their voices were low, intimate, yet their conversation was deep and intense.
Before she could say anything the waitress came to take their orders. Was she really about to do this? It was hard to believe, but she could see the sincerity in his eyes and wanted to believe h
****
They had left the restaurant half an hour ago, and now sat on the hood of his car overlooking Silver Springs Lake. The moon was full and high in the sky, and Toby had put a blanket under them so the chill from the metal didn’t seep through their clothing. For a man that had a reputation for being rough around the edges, so to say, he was actually very gentle and kind. Maybe the years since he had been out of college had really changed him like he said? He was more mature, more honest and giving now. It was strange, but she liked it. The only problem was how would this all go when she finally told him about the baby?
She stared at the lake that was clouded by the darkness of night and then glanced at Toby. “My mother thinks I am a failure because I don’t live the life she wants.” Shoshanna didn’t know why she was telling him this, maybe to get a little closer, a little more connected to him? “She came from a poor home, worked all her life until my father made it big with his investments. Then it was like she changed, just transformed into this person that was high class and forgot where she came from.”
“Money changes people. That’s why I have made it my mission to stay poor.”
She chuckled, knowing he wasn’t hurting for money in the field of hard labor he did. “I just wish we were closer, and she accepted that I am just a regular, nothing special girl.”
He looked at her, all serious, and then said, “You are special, and fuck anyone that thinks different.” Toby smiled. “No offense to your mom, that is.”
She smiled, feeling light when she was with him. He didn’t say anything for several moments, and neither did she, but the quiet was nice, comfortable even. He lay back on the hood, reached out for her hand so she was forced to lie back as well, and then Toby lifted his hand and stared at the sky. She watched as he started to pinch his thumb and forefinger together, and knitted her eyebrows in confusion.
“What are you doing?” she asked softly and then chuckled when he looked over at her.
“When I was young, maybe four or five, I used to stare out my window at the stars.” He looked at the sky again. “I used to try and pinch the stars, take away the light because I thought if there wasn’t any more in the sky my father wouldn’t be able to see me.” He chuckled, but it was humorless.
“Oh God, Toby, that breaks my heart.” She felt emotion clog her throat at the mental image of a small, vulnerable little boy trying to make it every night without getting hurt.
“I used to hate my dad, wished I was stronger so I could fight back so he couldn’t hurt me or my mom again.”
She wanted to comfort him, but knew that trying that right now wasn’t the best option.
“And then I did grow up, get bigger, and could fight back. But still he didn’t stop, not until I broke his nose and he had to explain to the ER staff how he had gotten it.” He sounded pissed.
“We don’t have to talk about this.”
He shook his head. “I want to. I want you to know about me and my life.” He looked at her then. “His job relocated him, and so he and my mom left. I stayed here. They had been living out of state for the last few years, and even though I wanted my mom to move in with me, get away from my dad, she didn’t. She wouldn’t, like she was stuck in this toxic state. I tried getting her help, but that upset her to the point she cried, said I was making things worse.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “I feel like a failure because I didn’t force her to come with me.”
“Sometimes you can’t force people, Toby. Sometimes they just don’t know how to live outside of what they know.”
He nodded and grabbed her hand, tightening his fingers around hers, and looking almost sad and lost. “Does it scare you that I want you as much as I do?” Toby said, and pushed up on his elbows. He leaned in close, his gaze staring right into hers.
She didn’t miss the way he changed the subject, but it was probably so hard for him to deal with. “No, but I wonder why me.”
He took her hand and brought it up, looking at each of her fingers. “Your hands are so small, so tiny compared to mine.” He held his hand flat with his palm facing hers, and then placed hers on his so their palms were pressed together. The act seemed strangely intimate, especially when he started tracing each of her fingers. “It should frighten you, because it scares the hell out of me.” He looked at her again. “I know this is fast, so fucking crazy, too, but it feels right, doesn’t it?”
She licked her lips and nodded. “Yes, it does,” she said in a soft voice. “It’s like we just met, even though I’ve known you for forever, but it feels good and right, Toby, as crazy as that sounds.”
He brought her fingers to his mouth and kissed them as he watched her. “I missed out on years of being with you, even if I hadn’t realized it at the time.” He lay back on the hood again, breathed out roughly, and stared at the sky.
Could he hear her increased breathing? Every touch and look from him sent a thrill of desire through her, and had this warmth moving through her that didn’t have anything to do with arousal.
“This doesn’t feel like a passing, fleeting moment for me, Shoshanna, and although I don’t know why it is so strong, I am not about to question it. This is the first time I’ve felt anything remotely real and good in my life, and I don’t want to lose that.”
Her heart raced at his words, and her gaze was on his lips as he spoke. When he didn’t respond she lifted her gaze to his. Everything else around them faded as Toby leaned up once again, and lowered his head toward hers. Her heart stopped at the first, gentle brush of his lips against hers. He intertwined their fingers together, holding her tightly. With his other hand he cupped the side of her face and tilted her head, deepening the kiss. At the first swipe of his tongue against her bottom lip she moaned and opened further. The kiss was heated and penetrating, and all he did was drag his tongue along hers, tease and tantalize it until she was chasing it back into his mouth and doing the same. His deep, vibrating groan resonated all the way to her core, sending shockwaves throughout her entire body.
He broke the kiss and rested his forehead against hers. “I want this, Shoshanna. God, I want this so badly, baby.”
She opened her eyes just as he leaned back. If she hadn’t been sitting down she would probably be a pool of liquid on the floor. He ran his hand over his hair, causing the strands to stand on end. His aroma invaded her senses. It was clean and crisp, like soap and motor oil, with a touch of freshly cut lumber.
“I have something to tell you, Toby.” She really didn’t want to break this spell they were in, but he needed to know about the baby. Her words were hushed because she anticipated, almost feared, how he would react. She didn’t want this to end, but the truth needed to be said.
“What is it, baby?” he said in a low voice, and then cupped her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb. The way he looked at her right then, serious, genuine, had her holding her breath. For a heartbeat they stared at each other. With his gaze locked on hers, and his thumb on her cheek he said, “You’re too good for me, but I will not be going anywhere, because I want you, Shoshanna. You can tell me anything.” He flicked his gaze to hers and then looked at her mouth, as if the sight mesmerized him.
She looked away from him for a second, and then heard him sigh softly.
“Look at me, baby.”
She looked at him, so scared to say the next words.
“You can talk to me about anything.”
“I am pregnant, Toby, and the baby is yours.”
Chapter Eleven
Toby stared at Shoshanna, tried to wrap his head around what she had just said, but he felt like someone had just kicked him in the balls and run off without him being able to catch his breath. He stared at the small picture she had just handed him, and stared at the black and white image that would forever change his life.
“Please say something,” Shoshanna said, her hands twisting together, and her nervousness tangible.
He lifted his head from staring at the picture, looked at her with what he knew were wide eyes and a stunned expression, and then stared at the picture again. Shoshanna was having his baby. She was pregnant, carrying his child, and he was going to be a father. It was a tiny, bean shaped thing, but his baby. “I don’t know what to say, Shoshanna.”
And he didn’t. He had never seen himself with someone for a long period of time, let alone having a child. But he wanted to be with Shoshanna, and knowing that she was his now and carrying his baby made him … happy. He looked at her again, anticipation and excitement filling him. He couldn’t help it. She watched him with wide eyes, her lips parted, and probably scared as hell.
“Please say something.” Her voice was soft. “Are you just as frightened as I am? Are you going to leave?” There was a slight waver in the way she spoke.
“We’re going to have a baby Shoshanna,” he said softly, still so fucking stunned that he wasn’t sure what to say or how to react.
“I wasn’t sure if showing you the picture was a good thing, but when I saw the ultrasound when I got the pregnancy confirmed, I thought—hoped—you would want to see it.”
He reached for her, and before she could say anything he had her in his lap. They were young, but he knew how he felt. Toby felt high, a little frightened, yeah, but he was ready for this. He went with his instincts, and they were feeling good.
“You’re happy? This doesn’t freak you out?”
Toby leaned back. Her eyes were still wide, and before he could think about what he was doing, or the major impact this had on his life, he leaned down and kissed her softly. “I am not worrying about the negative, but the positive of this. I will be a father, and you’ll be the mother of my baby, Shoshanna.”
She stared at him, bit her bottom lip, and looked so nervous. “This is so fast. I mean I’ve known you my entire life, but it’s like we are strangers, and now we are having a baby after a one-night stand.”
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