“I missed you, too.”
It’s all I can say, all I can manage. How can I tell her that part of the reason I stopped coming around was that I always wished that Brooke and Beast were my parents? And then when my own mother got sick, I felt so guilty about it that I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was my fault, for not loving her enough. For wishing she was someone else, another kind of mother. Someone like Brooke, who would teach me to be strong and tell me I was lovable, instead of showing me how weak and needy I really was.
When Ma died, and André started using me to run his errands for him, it was even worse. I felt like I was damaged goods, even more than before. Oh, it’s not like the Lords of Carnage don’t do some illegal stuff. I’m not blind. (Though Jude tells me the club has gone legit in the last year or so. Hard to believe, but impressive.) But Brooke always made such a point of telling me how amazing I was. Problem was, I felt less and less amazing every day. Less worthy of all the attention and praise she gave me. I just couldn’t face it any more. I felt like such an imposter.
And yet now that I’m back, somehow she seems to still think only the best of me.
I should feel grateful. I should feel relieved.
But somehow, right now it feels almost even worse.
As I sit there, contemplating my half-eaten sandwich, I go from the contented sense that I’ve come home, to realizing I belong here even less than I ever have. My eyes prick, but I manage to swallow down the tears that threaten to emerge.
I’m not sure if Brooke notices the sudden change in my emotions. Thankfully, Jude shows up then to take me back to the clubhouse, and the conversation ends before I can say more. Wrapping up the rest of my sandwich, I tell Brooke I’ll see her later, and follow Jude out the door, grateful for my escape.
14
Jude
Something about Lila gettin’ her hair cut short and dyed black seems to change her a little bit. For the better in some ways, because it seems to make her a little less tense than she has been since we found André’s body. But in a way, it’s like she’s put on a costume. The costume of a chick who doesn’t let anything penetrate much past the surface of her. When I know just from being around her that that’s not true.
She looks good with the new hair, though. Holy shit, does she look good. I mean, she was a real beauty before, with that mess of curly red hair. But this is like… I dunno, Pulp Fiction Uma Thurman Lila. Turbo-charged sexy. It does shit to my head.
And not only the head that sits on top of my neck, if you know what I mean.
To tell you the truth, I’ve been tryin’ to ignore a pretty strong attraction for Lila for a while now. When we were younger — when I first met her — it was easy to just see her as a pesky brat. Just a little kid. She’s four years my junior, and back then, the difference between her thirteen and my seventeen was a goddamn chasm.
But now she’s eighteen, and God help me, she’s sex on wheels, even though she doesn’t seem to know it. Any chick who looked like her that I met for the first time, I’d be doing everything in my power to hit that as soon and as often as possible. Before she cut her hair off, the one thing that was helping me keep my distance was that even though she’s sexy as hell, she’s also really familiar. Whenever my little head got too excited and tried to grab the reins, I’d just kinda squint my eyes and try to picture her at thirteen again. It usually worked okay.
But now that she’s rocking that short, sexy vixen thing… fuck me. How the hell am I supposed to resist that?
And of course, in an extreme Fuck you, Jude courtesy of the universe, now Beast has chosen me as Lila’s personal twenty-four-seven bodyguard. She doesn’t leave the clubhouse without me, and if she needs to go anywhere, I’m the one to take her. I know my VP will have my ass if anything happens to her. And I’m pretty sure that if I so much as touch her in a way he considers inappropriate, he’ll put my nuts in a vise.
Still, better that he chose me than fuckin’ Steeze to drive her ass around. He’s been sniffing around her like a hound dog whenever he can. It boils my nuts to see Lila laughing at his jokes, or watching him stare at her like she’s something to eat. A thousand times, I think about taking him out back and pounding the shit out of him. I don’t even know why I don’t do it. We’ve had a couple dust-ups in the past — mostly when we were drinking — and I know even though he’s got a couple inches on me, he ain’t as fast or as good with a punch. It would feel damn good to lay him out.
I know if I did it, Lila would tease me for being jealous. Which I ain’t. I just don’t want her to get mixed up with a player like him. She deserves better.
For the most part, driving Lila around has been limited to taking her to Brooke’s gym and to the library. But then one day, Jewel finally manages to talk me into coming over to her and Angel’s place for dinner, and tells me to invite Lila to come along.
“That poor girl hasn’t had a home-cooked meal since she moved into the clubhouse,” Jewel says sympathetically. “And judging from what Brooke has told me about her home life, it’s probably been a lot longer than that. I bet Lila would appreciate spending a normal evening having a normal dinner with a normal family.”
“If you call hanging out in an MC president’s house normal,” I scoff. But even so, I ask Lila to come, because the last thing I wanna do is spend time having some sort of heart-to-heart talk with our parents. They have always been suspicious of anyone they consider an outsider, so I’m hoping Lila’s presence will make them shut up and leave me the hell alone. I can fulfill my promise to Jewel, and then we can cut out of there before anyone tries to get me to play happy fucking family.
I decide to take my bike over to Angel and Jewel’s, instead of driving Lila over in a car. She gets so excited about riding, it makes me feel a little bad how bored she must still be feeling, even with her daily trips to Brooke’s gym. She takes the helmet I give her and climbs on, fitting her arms around me and putting her feet on the pegs like a pro. I try to calm my rising dick and concentrate on driving, doing my best to ignore the warmth and softness of her against my back.
As we ride through the streets of Tanner Springs, I know that anyone who sees us fly by is gonna assume she’s my girlfriend or my wife. I realize she’s the first and only person who’s ever been on this bike with me. It feels good. More natural than I want it to.
When Jewel greets us at her door, we’re also immediately met by an aroma I instantly recognize.
“Sarma?” I ask her as we step inside.
“Mama made it,” Jewel smiles, nodding. “She said she wanted her grandchildren to taste them.”
Sarma used to be one of my favorite foods when we were kids. It’s a Serbian dish, cabbage rolls stuffed with ground pork and rice. Ma would make them sometimes when my father requested them. The smell should bring back good memories. But instead, it just makes me mad that she’s acting like she’s some sort of beloved grandma all of a sudden, passing down some treasured fucking family tradition.
And some of that anger threatens to rub off on Jewel, who is actually letting her get away with it.
We step inside, and Jewel introduces Lila to our parents. Ma, wearing an apron and wiping her hands on it, tells Lila it’s nice to meet her, and I almost fucking fall over because she never says anything is nice. Tata doesn’t move from his perch on the couch. He grunts something that might be a greeting, his eyes flicking to me before he goes back to reading the wrinkled magazine in his hands. In spite of myself, I take a second to actually look at him, which I didn’t do last time I was here. He’s thinner than he used to be, and even sitting down, he seems like he’s lost an inch or so in height. I remember hearing it’s normal for people get shorter as they age. I don’t even know how old my parents are at this point. Early sixties? They had Jewel and me a little later, when Ma was in her mid- to late thirties, I think. For the millionth time, I wonder whether they ever really wanted us. Sure as hell never felt like it.
Jewel and Angel’s older kids, TJ and
Faith, immediately swarm Lila and me. TJ, at five, is a little hellion with Angel’s attitude. Three-year-old Faith is quieter, like Jewel, and looks almost exactly like pictures of my sister at that age. Faith is a little shy with Lila at first, but Lila’s always been like the kid whisperer. Pretty soon, Faith is hanging all over her and begging for a piggy-back ride. Lila is happy to oblige.
“Yay!” Faith cries as Lila totes her around the room. “Go faster!”
“No thank you, Faith,” Jewel says sternly. “No running in the house. That goes for the adults, too.”
“Aww!” Faith pouts, but a look from Jewel stops her.
Angel comes into the living room and greets us, clapping me on the back. Jewel says she’s going to check on the twins, who are asleep in their nursery, and asks Lila if she wants to come. Lila says yes, and starts to let Faith down, but Faith whines in protest.
“You can come with us,” Jewel says to her daughter, “If you’re very quiet. Promise?”
Faith nods. Jewel shoots Lila a smile. The three of them disappear down the hall.
Angel asks me if I want a beer, and goes to get me one while I sit down in a chair opposite the couch. For a few seconds, it’s just Tata and me there, with TJ playing with some of his toys on the floor. Tata stares at his magazine, eyes moving back and forth. It’s like I’m not even fucking here.
Angel comes back in with my beer. We talk about football, how business is going at our garage, Twisted Pipes, and just generally shoot the shit until Jewel and Lila come back out. Jewel announces we should go sit down at the table for dinner. Jewel and Angel get Faith and TJ set up in their chairs, and the rest of us choose our seats. I take one on the opposite side from my parents. Lila sits next to me.
Jewel and Ma bring out steaming plates and bowls of food, including the sarma, and a round, brown loaf of bread like the ones we used to eat growing up. We pass the trays around the table, serving ourselves in relative silence.
“Jude recognized the smell of sarma as soon as he came in the house, Mama,” Jewel says with a smile as she sets one on Faith’s small plate.
Ma looks at me. “Jurij always loved sarma. Good Serbian boy.”
I gape at her. I swear to Christ, this is the first time in my entire life I’ve ever heard her call me a good anything.
Lila quirks a brow at me.
Jewel tests the temperature of the sarmas on Faith and TJ’s plates, and waits to see what they’ll think of the dish. TJ seems ambivalent, but Faith takes a first bite, then swallows and puts the rest in her mouth. “Do you like it?” Jewel asks her. Faith nods. “They’re good, Grandma,” she announces.
Beside me, Lila takes a bite of her own sarma. “Faith is right, these are delicious,” she murmurs.
“Thank you, girl,” she says primly.
“Jesus, Ma,” I spit out. “Her name isn’t girl. It’s Lila.”
“Don’t you swear at me, Jurij,” she snaps back.
“Okay, see, that right there is gonna be a problem,” I hiss. I jab an angry finger at her, and push down the sense that I’m being kind of an asshole. “I go by Jude. Not Jurij.”
Her jaw juts out. “Your given name is Jurij. The name your father and I gave you.”
“About the only thing you gave us,” I mutter. Next to me, Lila lets out a little gasp.
“You will not speak to your mother like that!” Tata’s voice thunders. They’re the first words he has spoken since we got here, to me or anyone. I turn to him, and his face is flushed, head shaking a little. “You will respect her!”
“Respect is earned,” I shoot back. “And it goes both ways. My name is Jude.”
“Jude, please…” Jewel breathes.
My father crosses his arms. “You are the son. Not the father.”
“Julijana...” Ma begins, turning to my sister. I cut her off.
“Don’t put Jewel in the middle of this,” I growl. “She might be fine with the two of you coming here unannounced and expecting her to just accept that. That’s her right. But I don’t have to accept a single damn thing about this, or you. And by the way, speaking of respect, I haven’t heard you thank me for letting you stay in my house.”
Tata stares daggers at me. I know for a fact that there’s no way in hell he is capable of thanking me for that, or anything else. Beside him, Ma gives a little shake of her head.
“No?” I let out a bitter laugh. “You can’t even thank me for that. Trust me when I say, the absolute least you could do is call me by the name I prefer.”
“We gave you a home for seventeen years!” Tata says through clenched teeth. “Yet you do not thank us for that.”
“I never asked to be born,” I shoot back. “That was your choice, not mine. The two of you couldn’t be bothered to give either of us the time of day growing up, except to tell us what a disappointment we were to you, and how worthless we were. So now, all of a sudden you need something, and you just plop yourselves into our lives and expect all that to be water under the bridge? Why the hell are you here, anyway? Why don’t you tell us the real reason?”
It is taking me a supreme fucking effort not to swear in front of the kids, or yell. I don’t want to scare them, because that’s exactly what it will do if I lose my temper the way I feel like doing right now. Ma gives me a sour, reproachful look. Tata just sets his jaw and stares at a point on the wall right above my head. No one else speaks.
“This is ridiculous,” I say. “We’re done here.”
I stand, roughly bumping my chair backwards with my legs. Lila immediately stands with me. I almost tell her to stay, but fuck it, if she wants to come I’m cool with that. I sure as hell don’t want to leave her with my fucking asshole parents if she doesn’t want to stick around.
Jewel doesn’t try to stop me. Neither does Angel. Jewel does walk us to the door, though, and I hear her whisper an apology to Lila.
“Jude…” My sister’s eyes silently plead with me, but she doesn’t say more.
“No. It was a mistake to come here. You can have a relationship with them, Jewel. But I’m out. They’re dead to me.”
Jewel flinches at my harsh words. I regret hurting her, but they’re the truth. I turn away, and before I know what I’m doing, I’ve grabbed Lila’s hand, and I pull her down the stairs and into the night.
15
Lila
I’m bewildered and a little shellshocked by what just happened as Jude pulls me down the steps of Jewel and Angel’s house. Wordlessly, he thrusts the helmet at me once we get to his bike, and I pull it on as he straddles the Harley and it roars to life.
I climb on behind him and wrap my arms around his torso, noting instantly how hard and tense his muscles are. The bike jerks into gear and we fly out of the driveway almost before my feet are on the pegs. Instead of turning toward the clubhouse, Jude goes in the opposite direction — the one that leads to the main highway out of Tanner Springs.
Jude drives angry and fast. For the first few minutes, my heart is in my throat, and I cling to him and almost ask him to slow down a dozen times. But as he winds the bike through the twisty highways in the dark, I can sense the control he has of the machine, and in spite of the speed, I start to relax into him. And I might be imagining things, but it seems to make his muscles start to untense, as well. Eventually, he slows a bit, and begins to take the turns a little less hard. I let out a breath and finally start to let myself look around at the night we’re slicing through. The moon is full, or almost, and it casts a bright blue light on the road, the trees, and the occasional houses we pass.
I don’t know how long we’ve been driving when we pull off onto a gravel road, and then, onto a second gravel road that leads to a small, secluded lake. I’ve never been here before, didn’t even know it existed. And from the lack of houses built up around it, neither do a lot of other people. Jude pulls up onto the edge of a small sandy beach and cuts the engine. I get off the bike and wait for him to do the same.
“This is beautiful,” I risk, hoping
he’s not still too mad to want to talk.
“Yeah,” he grunts. “I used to spend a lot of time driving around, back when I first moved here. Tryin’ to get lost. This is one of the places I found.” He lifts his chin toward the shore. “Come on.”
I set the helmet on the bike’s seat and follow him a short distance through the sand, to a felled tree that forms a natural bench several feet from the water. We sit down on it side by side. Neither of us speaks for a few minutes. I’m a little awed by the natural beauty of this place, especially since I hardly ever go out into the country. Together, we listen to the sounds of the frogs, the crickets, and other soft noises I don’t recognize.
“Sorry about that shit with my parents,” Jude murmurs. “I was hoping they’d be a little less shitty with a guest around. Jewel made it sound like they might have mellowed a little in their old age. Guess I shouldn’t have believed her.”
“It’s fine,” I reply. “I mean, obviously not fine for you. But it’s not like they said anything to me.”
“Yeah. Totally ignored you. No surprise there. They’ve never cared about anything but themselves.”
It’s clear to me there’s a hell of a back story here. I don’t know much about Jewel and Jude’s lives before they came to Tanner Springs, other than that Jewel left home before she was eighteen, and that when Jude came here he was sent by his folks. Jude was a rude, cocky asshole when I met him, and I’m guessing that had something to do with where he came from. But I’ve never got the inside story about any of it. I want to ask, but I’m afraid he’ll shut down even more than he already has. So instead, I ask a different question.
“Why are your parents here, anyway? I got the impression they didn’t really ‘do’ the grandparent thing.”
“Hell if I know,” he huffs. “Jewel seems to think they suddenly got a conscience. But I think she’s dreaming. Hell, you saw that bullshit back there.” Jude straightens, and reaches into the inside pocket of his cut. Pulling out a cigarette, he lights it and blows out a lungful of smoke. “I don’t know why they’re here, and frankly, I don’t wanna know. They were never parents to us. Not before Jewel left, and sure as hell not after.”
JUDE: Lords of Carnage MC Page 9