“Why did Jewel leave?” I ask, hoping he’ll be more willing to talk about her than himself.
“I was pretty young at the time, but what I remember is they were always fighting with her. Calling her slut, other shit, telling her she was worthless and she was gonna end up bad.” He lets out a dry laugh. “Can you believe that? I dunno what they thought, like maybe treating her like shit would make her magically turn out exactly the way they wanted? Eventually I guess she couldn’t take it anymore, so she took off.” Jude stares out at the water. “She was the only person in the family who gave a shit about me. Or who listened to me. Without her, I didn’t have any protection at all.”
I swallow, wondering what it was that Jude needed protection from. And whether Jewel ever knew about it. I can’t imagine her leaving if she had.
“Once Jewel was gone, they started in on me,” he continues, his voice rougher now. “Suddenly I was the shitty kid who was gonna turn out bad and ruin their lives instead of her.” He takes another drag of his smoke. “So, eventually, I decided that if that was what they wanted, that was what I was gonna do. I got mixed up with some other shitty kids with no decent home life. We formed this gang, thought we were hot shit. Started beefing with other kids our age. Tryin’ to play big shot, you know? Until…”
“Until what?” I risk.
Jude exhales. “A buddy of mine got killed by a gang of Black kids our age. Looking back on it now, they probably didn’t mean to kill him. They just beat him up, and it got out of hand. That happens easier than you’d think. Problem was, at the time I was really into this girl who rejected me, and then come to find out she got with a Black kid in my school instead. Not even a kid in that gang, or anything.” Jude steals a glance at me. “But when you’re that age, you tend to look at everything in extremes, you know? So in my head, I was pissed and jealous, and I let both those things get lumped together in my mind. So when my friend got killed, first thing I did was beat the shit out of that kid who in my mind stole the girl I liked. Then my crew went after the crew who killed my friend. We got caught by the cops. I got sent to juvie for a bit. When I got out, our folks wouldn’t take me back in. They sent me to Jewel instead.”
Jude’s cigarette is spent now, and he snuffs it out on the log, then puts the butt in his pocket. “It turned out to be the best thing that could’ve happened to me, though I didn’t know it at the time. I came here to Tanner Springs planning to get into the most trouble I could, so Jewel would reject me, too. ‘Cause that’s what my whole family did, right?” He chuckles softly. “Well, I got in trouble all right. Serious trouble, way worse than I expected. And the shit I pulled almost got Jewel killed. But you know what? She didn’t push me away. And the Lords saved her life. And in the bargain, I reckon they saved me, too. Angel was the person who taught me what it meant to be a man. He was the one who taught me to respect Jewel, too. Shit, far as I’m concerned, I never had a father until Angel.”
Jude falls silent. I sit next to him, weighing his words. Thinking about the Jude I knew at seventeen, and how different he was from the man he is today.
“I only knew a little of all that,” I admit. “But I think I understand what you’re saying about you never having a father until Angel. In a way, I kind of feel that way about Brooke. For a while, she was more of a mother to me than my own mom.” I take a deep breath. “But I was scared of disappointing her, too, you know? I mean, my mom was my mom, and she couldn’t do anything to change that. She was stuck with me no matter what. But Brooke? She didn’t have to take me in. And I always felt like, if I screwed up too much — if I slipped and let her see what I was really like — she’d get sick of dealing with me.”
Jude peers at me in the moonlight. “What you were really like?”
“Yeah.” I shrug. “You know. Like, not strong. Too needy. Someone who couldn’t always take care of herself. I didn’t wanna be a burden on her.”
“You know she never would have ditched you, right?” Jude frowns. “That’s not who Brooke is.”
“Maybe,” I concede. “And maybe in a way that was almost worse. Like, what if she wanted to ditch me, but didn’t do it because she felt guilty?” Unexpectedly, tears spring to my eyes, but I choke them down. “I don’t wanna be where I’m not wanted. That’s what I’ve always been, Jude. I’ve always been this kid who’s just tossed around, from adult to adult, with no one really wanting me but just letting me stick around as long as I didn’t take up too much space.”
“You know that’s not how Brooke feels about you.”
“No.” My voice cracks. “Because I never let myself take up too much space.”
“Shit,” Jude hisses. He turns to me, cups my chin in his hand. “Lila. Fuck, you can’t think like that. People want you around. Brooke does. The club does. I do.”
I stare up at him. A rogue tear slips down my left cheek. His thumb catches it and wipes it away.
Then, before I even realize what’s about to happen, he leans down and kisses me.
16
Lila
Jude’s lips on mine are gentle at first. But the heat of his skin is scorching. My breath hitches in my throat, and the sound does something to him, because he groans deeply and deepens the kiss, his tongue finding mine.
I’ll be honest about something: I’ve only been kissed once before. And that was when I was fourteen. And you best believe that kiss from Eddie Tokheim was nothing — nothing — like this. It’s like fire, I think dizzily as my mouth responds to his. Like flames inside me. They lick lower and lower as the kiss gets more intense, and a pressure starts building between my legs that’s not like anything I’ve felt before.
I’ve skirted around the edges of desire, sure — had the occasional crush on a boy in school. And to be honest, I had a crush on Jude, too, once upon a time. Not that I ever let him see it. I don’t like to show the world the things I want. I’m careful like that. When you display your needs on your face, it’s just an invitation to others to hurt you. To use the knowledge to burrow inside you — find the weak points, the sensitive, bruised parts of you — and push and prod until you’re at their mercy.
But this desire — this want, all-consuming and desperate — is like being in the center of an inferno. It’s danger itself. And as the heat laps at me, licking at my skin and burning me from the inside, the desire mounts inside me simultaneously with another rising emotion: Fear. Fear of how vulnerable and open this neediness makes me. A moan rips from my throat, and as I hear it, astonished to know it came from me, the fear gets sharper and more acute: Panic.
Gasping, I break the kiss and push desperately at Jude’s chest. He immediately lets me go, pulling back to gaze at me with a dazed expression.
“You okay, Liles?” Jude’s voice is hoarse, thick. His eyes are darker than the night sky around us. I suck in a giant lungful of air. As though I was drowning underwater, and broke the surface just in time.
“Lila?” Jude says again, his eyebrows knitting in concern.
My eyes trace the outline of Jude’s jaw, so familiar but still so mesmerizing.
I’ve told Jude my deepest fears. I’ve told him more about me than anyone else knows. I’ve kissed him, and let him crack open the door of my need.
I’m terrified that if I let this go any further, he’ll see even deeper inside me.
“Let’s head back,” I manage to say.
Jude exhales. “You good?”
“Sure. It’s just been a long day. I’m tired,” I lie. I toss my head — a reflex to displace the mass of hair that’s no longer there — and give him my best, most practiced smirk.
The lines between Jude’s brows deepen. He looks like he’s got something to say. I pray deep down that he won’t. Finally, he gives me a brief nod and gets to his feet. He reaches out a hand to help me up, but I pretend I don’t see it. Instead, I turn and dust off my backside, then straighten. “Okay. Good to go.”
Back at the bike, the pounding in my chest finally starts to calm itself. J
ude takes it slower on the ride home, driving not much over the limit and easing into the turns. By the time we’re back at the clubhouse, I’ve almost convinced myself everything is fine, and that it’ll be possible to just pretend none of this happened tomorrow. I go immediately to my apartment, and Jude stays in the main room, where a party is going in full force.
I sit on my little bed, listening to the thumping music outside my door and playing with Spike. He’s starting to gain weight, and he’s taken to being an indoor cat much better than I expected him to, which makes me certain that he’s just an abandoned stray, and not a feral.
“The two of us are just a couple of strays, aren’t we, Spikey?” I murmur to him. “I promise not to abandon you if you don’t abandon me. Deal?”
He purrs and head-butts my hand. I lie down and bury my face in his fur. And try not to think about Jude. Or about our conversation at the lake. Or about what happened after that.
It takes a long time to fall asleep.
The next day, I see Jude a couple times in passing, but I duck around him and manage not to say much to him. He mostly leaves me be, which I’m grateful for. But I can’t help but steal a glance or two of him, and every time I do, I think of how the warmth radiated from him when I was on the back of his bike. Or how soft his lips were, even when he was kissing me hard. My breathing speeds up at the memory. And at the thought of what could have happened, if I had let it go any farther.
I tell myself I didn’t want it. That I made the right choice.
In the late afternoon, I open up to a knock on my door and find Beast standing in the hallway.
“Hey,” he rumbles. “Brooke wants you to come over for a girls’ night with the other old ladies. Mexican food and blender drinks, I’m told.”
Brooke makes the best enchiladas I’ve ever had, so even though spending the evening with a big group of people doesn’t sound great, I can’t resist. “What time?”
“I’ll drive you over in an hour. Be ready.”
It’s the first time I’ve been out of the clubhouse without Jude in a while. When Beast pulls up in their familiar driveway, I get a strong hit of nostalgia for the kid I was when Brooke first met me. It’s a little weird to be here now, as an adult (technically, at least), who isn’t just her charity case. Though now I suppose you could say I’m the Lords’ charity case instead.
Brooke greets me at the door and waves Beast off with a kiss. “You’re the last one to arrive,” she says as she pulls me inside. I’m a little apprehensive at first. I’m not sure how much any of the old ladies know about my situation. I suppose most of them know I’m staying at the clubhouse. They must assume I’m under the club’s protection. But if they do know anything about all that, none of them really show it. I guess that’s the benefit of hanging out with women whose husbands are members of an MC. They’re used to dealing with drama.
For the next few hours, the life and laughter that surrounds me is the most normal thing I’ve experienced in a long, long time.
I know most of these women from before. Jenna is here, of course, and Jewel. They’re over in a corner, laughing with Samantha and Sydney, Hawk and Brick’s wives. Also there is Lucy, Gunner’s mom and Smiley’s girlfriend. I wave to the five of them as we walk through to the kitchen. I’ve babysat for most of them over the years, but none of the kids are here. “It’s moms and wives only tonight,” Brooke explains to me. “The men are on dad duty. We haven’t gotten together like this for ages. I’m so glad you could come, Lila.”
It doesn’t escape me that I’m not a mom or a wife, but I don’t point that out to her. Brooke grabs a bag of ice from the freezer and some margarita mix, and tosses them in a blender, then adds a splash of triple sec and a half-shot of tequila. “I’m making yours extra-weak so I don’t feel guilty about letting you drink,” she laughs, then presses the button. She pours the icy drink into a big, solid margarita glass and hands it to me. “Come on, let’s join the others.”
Brooke leads me into the living room, over to where Alix, Eden, Kylie, Stacia, Isabel, Sam, Sydney, Cady and Ember are sprawled out on or around a couple of couches. Alix is Gunner’s old lady, and Eden is her sister. Eden was married to Lug Nut, who was killed in a shootout with a rival club. Eden was pregnant at the time. Brooke told me that when she gave birth to the baby boy, she named him Bryson, which was Lug’s given name. Kylie and Stacia are with Hale and Bullet. Kylie is a waitress and bartender at the Smiling Skull, a bar the Lords own and Jewel manages. Isabel is Thorn’s wife, and a nurse at the local hospital. Sam and Sydney are with Hawk and Brick. Sam’s a photographer, and Sydney owns a local coffee shop called the Golden Cup. Stacia is a tattoo artist at Rebel Ink. I remember Jude telling me she’s the one who’s doing the sleeve of flames on his arm. I tell Stacia how great it looks, and she thanks me.
The only women I don’t really know here are Cady and Ember. They met their men, Tank and Striker, after I stopped hanging around the MC. Cady is an artist, and she teaches painting classes on the side. Ember is a lawyer, and even though she’s really nice she intimidates the hell out of me. I try as hard as I can not to show it, though, and keep reminding myself that Brooke was an FBI agent when I met her.
All in all, though, I feel like a little kid around these women. And not just because I met them when I was a kid. They just all seem so self-assured, like they actually know what the hell they’re doing in life. I’m basically on the run from a crime syndicate, with no connections and no future to speak of. Even if I somehow miraculously escape a future of being hunted down by Pecher’s men, I don’t really have any prospects. I don’t have money, or parents, or anything other than the good will of the Lords of Carnage. And that’s bound to run out eventually.
At first, I feel a little weirdly uncomfortable in this crowd of laughing, joking women who all know each other so well. Especially because I haven’t seen most of them in forever. They call out their greetings to me, and pepper me with questions about how I’ve been until Brooke changes the subject enough times that they seem to get the hint.
“It must be, uh, interesting for you to be living in that clubhouse with all those men around,” Isabel says, raising her eyebrows. She’s one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen, with tan skin and gorgeous long black hair. “I hope they’re not grossing you out too much. That place is a testosterone jungle.”
“They’ve actually been pretty good,” I say. “I think they’re trying to keep it PG rated when I’m around.”
“That’s a surprise,” Sydney remarks. “But a good one. Those men encourage each other to be as disgusting as possible in each other’s presence, I swear.”
“Yeah, but we love them,” Sam adds.
“Unfortunately,” quips Kylie. The women all start laughing.
After that, the talk turns to other more general things, and I’m able to fade into the background a little more. Eden, who’s sitting next to me, turns to me and compliments me on my new hairstyle.
“I hardly recognized you at first,” Eden murmurs, reaching up to finger her own brown locks. “When did you do it?”
“Not long ago.” I hesitate. “I needed a change.”
Eden giggles softly. “I understand that.”
“I…” I swallow, not knowing if I should continue. “I was so sorry to hear about Lug Nut, Eden. I always liked him.”
Eden’s eyes shine. “Thank you, Lila. He was so good to me. I miss him every day. But at least I have his son. That part of him will always live on.”
“He’s what, two now?” I guess.
“Yes. That’s right, you weren’t around when he was born, were you? He’s a little love. The spitting image of Lug Nut. You’ll have to meet him before I leave.”
“Leave?” My eyes widen.
“Yeah.” Eden sighs. “It’s time for me to move on from Tanner Springs. The club has been so great, but there are just too many painful memories here. Now that Bryson is a little older, I have a nest egg saved up. I’m going to go to Flor
ida. Get a new start. Go where it’s sunny for a while.” She pauses. “Maybe I’ll get all my hair chopped off, like you.”
I grin at her, but her words make me sad. My hair doesn’t feel like a new beginning. It feels like I’ve jumped out of my life completely. Like I’m no one. Like I had to leave Lila behind.
I can’t imagine the loss Eden has faced. But I’m happy she had Lug Nut’s love. She’ll carry that love — and the love of her little boy — wherever she goes.
At the end of the evening, Beast returns in a car to take me back to the clubhouse. I can tell right away that something’s wrong by the tense expression on his face, and Brooke seems to sense it, too. She shoots me a worried look, and then gives me a tight hug as she tells me goodbye.
“I’ll see you at the gym, Lila,” she whispers in my ear, brushing a quick, motherly kiss against my cheek. “It’s so good to have you back in our lives.”
In the car, Beast waits until we’re away from his house before turning to me. “Got some news,” he says.
My stomach sours. “Bad or good?” I ask, though I know it can’t be good.
He snorts. “Angel talked to a cop who’s friendly with the club.” He waits a beat. “They found André’s body.”
17
Jude
“Pete Myers’s son and Noah are on the same baseball team,” Angel is saying as he looks around the chapel the next day. “So I’ve been makin’ sure to show up to practices and games as much as I can, to rub elbows with him. I got enough info out of him to know the body they found is André’s.”
Angel’s relationship to a couple of members of the Tanner Springs PD isn’t exactly what you’d expect, given that they’ve historically been on opposite sides of the law. But he’s used his own childhood connections growing up here in town — not to mention his natural gift for being a charming fucker when he wants to be — to blur the professional lines that normally would exist between the police department and a formerly outlaw motorcycle club.
JUDE: Lords of Carnage MC Page 10