Healthy Habits Suck
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Here’s an exercise (Monèstes and Villatte 2011) to help you look at this another way. Over and over again, say “I cannot lift my arm” while actually lifting your arm. (Pay attention to what your passengers say to dissuade you from doing this exercise. This is another opportunity to try to do something new and to notice how your passengers try to knock you off your route.) This exercise illustrates that it’s possible to do the opposite of what your passengers are telling you to do. You didn’t have to convince your passengers you could do it. You didn’t have to repeat positive mantras to convince yourself, like You got this! You can raise your arm. No, you simply lifted your arm even while you were telling yourself not to. In other words: you don’t have to win the debate with your passengers in order to stick to your route.
Here’s another one to try. (Again, pay attention to what your passengers say to convince you to not do this exercise). Think I’m too tired to lift up my arm while lifting your arm. Can you do it? How about this one: I’m too tired to go to the gym. I’m too tired to go to the gym. Perhaps it’s possible to go to the gym even when our passengers are telling us we can’t.
What these exercises demonstrate is that we don’t have to get consensus from our passengers to be able to stick to our healthy habits. You don’t have to win the debate with the passengers. You can engage in healthy habits even when your passengers are saying the opposite. Think of it this way: The bus driver doesn’t get on the bus and say, “Okay, I’m going to go up Main Street and then take a left on 5th and then a right on 6th Avenue. Is everyone okay with that?” No. He just follows his route, regardless of what the passengers say. Sometimes when I get caught up in the chatter of my passengers and need a bit of courage, I say to myself I cannot lift my arm while lifting it, just to remind myself that I don’t need my passengers to agree. So, no, you don’t need to convince your passengers to stick to your route. You can avoid the debate altogether.
Thanking passengers… So if you can’t ignore your passengers or negotiate with them, how can you deal with them in order to stay on your route? What do you think would happen if a passenger said this to a bus driver: “Hey, bus driver, we’re very close to my house. Could you take the next left, and then the second right, and drop me off in front of the house with the red door?” Even the kindest bus driver will respond with some version of “Sorry, but I have a route to follow.” This hypothetical interaction displays the type of relationship we want to cultivate with our own passengers. We want to acknowledge what they have to say but not let them divert us from our route. Remember, the passengers aren’t trying to be mean, they’re just working very hard to protect you. They just don’t know that what you’re trying to do is actually healthy for you. So, with some genuine gratitude, thank your passengers for sharing, and proceed along your route.
In the next section we’re going to spend some time clarifying our healthy habit route and practicing ways to notice how our passengers try to knock us off our route.
Sticking to the Route: Committed Action
Some people think that the “acceptance” part of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) means that you don’t do anything, but the therapy itself entails quite the opposite. The “commitment” part of ACT is all about changing behavior, which is referred to as committed action. We’re going to more clearly define the healthy habit you’re trying to cultivate so you can engage in committed actions. Take a moment to do the following exercise. You can write your answers in a journal, or you can download and use the “Do It Anyway: Committed Action” worksheet at this book’s website: http://www.newharbinger.com/43317.
Step 1. Clarify Your Values
First, why are you working on this healthy habit? What is the deeply meaningful reason behind it? How is it linked to your values, to who you want to be in life?
Step 2. Make the Healthy Habit a SMART Goal
Once you’ve clarified or reminded yourself of the values this healthy habit can help you express, then you can set a SMART goal to help yourself achieve it. SMART goals are specific, measurable, achievable, realistic, and time bound. Here are some tools to help make sure your healthy habit is a SMART goal.
Is My Healthy Habit a Behavior? The first step in creating a SMART goal is to make sure your healthy habit is actually a behavioral goal, which will ensure that the goal is specific and measurable (the S and the M in a SMART goal). Many people will set motivational goals, such as “I will want to have a salad for lunch”; or emotional goals, such as “I will enjoy going to the gym”; or thinking goals, such as “I will stop thinking about food all the time”; or outcome goals, such as “I will lose fifteen pounds.” The problem with such goals is that we have a lot less control over our motivation, feelings, thoughts, and outcomes than we do our behavior. A behavior is observable (other people can see you do it), measurable (something you can check off a checklist to document that it happened), under your direct control (not an outcome or something you can only influence), and meaningful (something that’s related to your goals). Check to see if your healthy habit is a behavior that’s observable, measurable, under your direct control, and meaningful to your goals. If not, ask yourself this: What would someone see me do if I was accomplishing my emotional (or behavioral, thinking, outcome) goal? Consider, for example, a motivational goal: “I will want to eat salad for lunch.” If you were accomplishing this goal of “wanting” to eat more salad, what would someone see you do? Probably eat more salad for lunch. “Eating” the salad is a behavioral goal. “Wanting” to eat the salad is a motivational goal. Asking what someone would see you do will help you change the goal into a behavioral goal.
The “Do Instead” Goal: Remember the pink elephant exercise? It demonstrated how trying to not think about something usually results in one thinking about it more. Sadly, we do this all the time. What’s the first thing people think about when they go on a diet? What they’re not going to eat: I’m not going to eat sugar, I’ll stop eating junk food, I won’t eat white bread. Instead of creating a “don’t do” goal, make a “do instead” goal.
One classic “don’t do” goal for people at the obesity-management clinic where I worked was to stop eating in front of the TV late at night. Many clients described “doing so well” with their diet all day long only to have it all fall apart in the evening. There’s a simple explanation why this is such a common experience. Willpower (or self-control, as psychologists like to call it) is what keeps us from doing the things we want to do but shouldn’t, and it’s like a muscle. We use this muscle all day long to get along with people and to do the things we need to do, so by the end of the day it’s spent. Many people try to use their willpower to stop themselves from eating in front of the TV at the end of the day, but this is like asking an alcoholic to go to a bar and not drink. It’s just a risky proposition.
Instead of setting yourself the goal to not eat in front of the TV, think of what you can do instead of eating while watching TV. Many people at the obesity clinic took up knitting, which is an incompatible behavior with eating—meaning you can’t do both at the same time. I often suggest that clients donate their knitting to charities. In that way, knitting becomes a value-based action and isn’t simply a distraction, further encouraging people to engage in it.
You could also figure out what you could do instead of ending up in front of the TV. Sometimes it’s easier to avoid the TV altogether than to try to avoid eating while watching TV. A great “do instead” goal is to go to bed! Lots of research shows that getting more sleep is good for health (for example, Rod et al. 2014). There is increasing evidence that sleep plays an important role in weight loss and weight management (Cappuccio et al. 2008; Gangwisch et al. 2005; McNeil, Doucet, and Chaput 2013). In fact, when clients ask whether they should get up early to exercise or get more sleep, my colleague Dr. Sharma, an expert in obesity management (http://www.drsharma.ca), says to get more sleep.
Take a look at the healthy habit you’re tr
ying to work on while reading this book. Is it a “don’t do” or a “do instead” goal? If it’s the former, can you change it? Instead of telling yourself to not think about pink elephants (or to not binge in front of the TV), think about what you’re going to do instead.
The 90 Percent Rule: Learned helplessness is a psychological condition in which people feel they have no control over their environment, and that there’s no way for them to win, so they give up even trying (Abramson, Seligman, and Teasdale 1978). When I conducted weight histories with clients at the obesity clinic, they would often tell me that they’d lost hundreds of pounds only to gain it all back, so they had given up. When we pick goals that are too big, or goals that we don’t have any control over, we can induce learned helplessness. People only have to feel helpless a few times to create learned helplessness, but it takes nearly ten times as many experiences of having control to undo it. This is key: once learned helplessness has set in, we can continue to feel powerless even if our circumstances have changed and we now have some control. That’s why it is really important to avoid continuous failure when setting a goal. That’s where the 90 percent rule comes in.
Are you 90 percent sure you can accomplish your health goal within the time frame (the T in a SMART goal) you’ve set? If the answer is yes (you’re 90 percent sure you can accomplish the goal), then proceed. If the answer is a weak yes or a maybe or a no, then rework the goal. Break it down into smaller, more manageable steps. For example, instead of walking five times a week for thirty minutes, try walking two times a week for thirty minutes or five times a week for ten minutes. Change the goal until you are 90 percent sure you can achieve it. If it’s a 90 percent goal, you’re ensuring it is achievable and realistic (the A and the R in a SMART goal).
Why is having a manageable goal important? Let’s say you set the goal of walking five times a week for thirty minutes but only manage to go three times. Have you succeeded or failed? According to your goal you failed. On the other hand, let’s say your goal was to walk two times a week for thirty minutes and you manage to go three times. You’re a success! And we know that success breeds success. When we feel successful at something, we want to keep doing it.
Counting calories is an effective tool for managing weight, and my client Samantha was really struggling with it. Figuring out portion sizes was tedious and frustrating for her, and when she managed to record all her calories she often found that she’d gone over her calorie goal, which made her feel like a failure. She’d be really good tracking for a few days and then stop completely—that old learned helplessness. So we took a stab at applying the 90 percent rule: perhaps she could just record protein intake to try to get to a protein goal for the day, or only record breakfast because it was the easiest meal for her to record, or just record on Mondays, or set a calorie goal closer to what she was currently consuming so that even a small change in her diet would help her hit her calorie goal. She picked recording her calories on Mondays over a two-week period. Once she was consistently successful at that, I asked if she felt 90 percent sure she could record her calories on Mondays and Tuesdays? Through this process we added a series of 90 percent goals to get her closer to her overall goal.
You can string together a series of 90 percent goals (smaller goals) like this to reach your overall goal, a process known as shaping (Ramnero and Törneke 2008). While it might seem more time consuming to approach a goal this way, not succeeding won’t get you any closer to your goal either. Success makes us want to try more often, whereas failure makes us want to give up and not try at all. Humans do not persist at things they know they can’t achieve. This is just human nature.
So, if you’re not 90 percent sure you can accomplish your goal in the time frame you set, then change the goal. Usually I recommend setting just one 90 percent goal at a time, or two at the most. If you try to do too many changes at once, even if each one is a 90 percent goal, you’re probably not meeting the 90 percent rule overall. That’s why I asked you to pick just one healthy habit to work on with this book.
You may notice that your passengers have a lot to say about setting smaller (more achievable) goals: “You can’t just record breakfasts, or food on Mondays, or protein! That doesn’t count! You can’t reach your goal this way!” or “You’ll never get anywhere if you don’t hit the real calorie goal.” Thank you very much, passengers. Remember, they’re not out to get you, but when you follow their advice you’re not driving the bus where you want to go…toward your healthy habit. So thank them for their advice and adjust your goal as necessary. Remember, research indicates that small and steady and successful progress will get you to your goal faster (Ramnero and Törneke 2008).
Putting It All Together: Here’s an example, from my work, of creating a SMART goal with one of my clients who was going on vacation. She described how when she traveled she worked hard all day to stay on track with her diet, but in the evenings she binged on junk food. She was also a vegetarian and often found it difficult to find healthy vegetarian options while traveling. As a result she often ended up binge eating french fries and ice cream because “technically” they are vegetarian.
I shared with her an experience I’d recently had while traveling in Alberta. Before leaving for the trip, I had the sense that trying to maintain my plant-based diet was going to be problematic. Alberta is known for its AAA Alberta beef much more than for vegan or vegetarian food, so I came up with a SMART goal to manage my diet. I decided I’d order steak and vegetables for dinner and vegetarian no-cheese omelets for breakfast, creating a “do instead” goal while employing the 90 percent rule. Of course these meals completely violated my plant-based diet, but trying to stick to this diet on my trip wasn’t a 90% goal. I felt these adjustments would help me manage calories so I didn’t overdo it, and if I was going to eat meat, it might as well be high-quality meat. Keep in mind, I was making a conscious plan. This wasn’t my passengers hijacking my bus. I made a deliberate choice to be as healthy as I could be in the context of my travel plans.
I pointed out to my client a few things about her goal: first, her goal, to avoid binge eating, was a “don’t do” goal, and, second, it broke the 90 percent rule, because she felt certain she’d be “unable” to avoid the binge eating at night while traveling. So we came up with a “do instead” goal that she felt 90 percent confident she’d be able to adhere to during her weeklong trip: she would focus on increasing her vegetable and protein intake throughout the day, and at night she’d drink lots of water and not fight the urge to binge eat. She worked on accepting that the binge eating was likely to happen, because it was just too big of a challenge to address at the moment, so she’d focus on adding healthy things to her diet instead. No miracles occurred on her trip. She indeed binged every night, but she also managed to consume more vegetables, protein, and water, and because that had been her goal she felt successful. She also got to enjoy her trip more because she wasn’t constantly dreading or trying to avoid binge eating in the evenings.
Rumble Strips
Okay, so you’ve set a SMART goal. Guess what? Those passengers are still going to have some commentary about your likelihood of succeeding. This is what happens when we try to do something new or different.
Imagine that your life is a highway (I’m pretty sure that’s a song). If the current highway you’re on, and where it’s leading you, totally works for you, then keep going! If you’re headed toward a life that matters to you, then stay in the lane. But if you’re thinking How did I get on this path, or This wasn’t totally what I meant my life to be, then you need to consider exiting the highway.
Where I live there are rumble strips on the side of the highway that are designed to alert drivers when they’re veering off the road. They grab your attention—wake you up, for example, if you’ve dozed off. If you’ve ever hit a rumble strip you know they’re loud, bumpy, and uncomfortable. There are no rumble strips at exits, which is nice, because who wants the shock of
crossing one when all you want to do is leave the highway. But if you’ve decided you want to leave the metaphorical highway you’re on, your passengers are going to put rumble strips in your way. They don’t want you to take the exit and try something new; they want you to stick to what you know. This is your passengers trying to keep you safe. Remember, their motto is “The devil you do know is better than the devil you don’t know.” From your passengers’ point of view, however yucky the current highway might be, it’s better than the unknown. What kind of rumble strips are they going to place in your path? Maybe you’ll feel anxious, or maybe you’ll think I can’t do it or Why bother? Whatever form they take, they’re designed to be uncomfortable and alarming and to keep you on the same old path.
So how do you get off the highway in spite of this? There’s no difference between hitting a rumble strip on purpose rather than accidentally. It’s still bumpy, noisy, and uncomfortable—but it’s not shocking, because you saw it coming. So if you’re not headed toward a life that matters to you, if you’re not becoming the person you want to be, then you may have to experience some discomfort in order to change—that is, accept the rumble strip of your passengers to find a different path. Changing course is not about waiting until doing so feels easy; it’s about being willing to feel uncomfortable in the service of your values.
Behaviors Self-Assessment
The “Behaviors Self-Assessment,” available for download at this book’s website (http://www.newharbinger.com/43317), is a useful way to track how consistent you’re being with your health behaviors, and, by extension, your values. If you’re reading the book one chapter per week, then you can use this tool to track your practice of the new skill that we discuss in each chapter over the course of the week. Alternatively, you can use this tool on a daily basis or at whatever frequency makes sense for your SMART goal. For example, if my value is taking care of the planet and my healthy habit is following a plant-based diet, I can mark how consistently I’ve engaged in this behavior by placing a mark somewhere in the bull’s-eye. When I was in Alberta, I was on the outside of the bull’s-eye. When I returned home and was making my own meals, I was closer to the center. As you use this tool, notice if your passengers have any comments on the likelihood of you following through with the tracking. Remember…thank you passengers!