Healthy Habits Suck

by Dayna Lee-Baggley

  I grew up in Calgary, Alberta, on the prairies of Canada. It was pretty dry in Calgary when I was growing up, only raining two to three times a year. My family of four owned only one umbrella, and that was plenty. Then I moved to Halifax, Nova Scotia, on the Atlantic coast, where it rains a lot. One day while talking with a friend on the phone, she asked me what I was up to. I explained that I couldn’t go outside because it was raining, and I was waiting for it to stop. She laughed. “If you won’t leave the house when it’s raining in Halifax, you’ll never leave the house!” So I went out and bought rain pants, rain boots, and a raincoat—even a rain cover for my bag. So now when it rains, I can still go outside and live my life. So if we consider our emotions to be the weather, then continuing to live our life in spite of our emotions, such as being in a bad mood, is an important skill for managing our emotions. In other words, as I chose to not let the rain keep me from leaving my house, we don’t let our emotions take over our day (or drive our bus).

  In Canada we have snow days, when everything shuts down because of the weather. Sometimes the weather is so bad that you have to wait out the storm. Sometimes we have to do the same thing with our emotions. One of my close friends seems to live in “tornado alley” because she experiences a lot of wild moods and emotional meltdowns. When she’s having an emotional storm, we go into the storm shelter together to wait it out. We hunker down and play cards, dominos, and board games and watch funny movies. She’s still upset and periodically bursts into tears, but we just stick to waiting out the emotional storm. Sometimes we’re scared of the weather, and sometimes we’re worried about what will happen. This skill isn’t about making the emotional storm enjoyable. It’s about finding ways to wait the storm out because inevitably it will pass; inevitably our mood will change. You’ve probably heard the expression “If you don’t like the weather, wait ten minutes.” Like the weather, our moods are always changing.

  If we consider our feelings to be like the weather, another important idea emerges. Sometimes our feelings seem overwhelming and overpowering. But if we think about our feelings as being part of us but not all that we are, then our feelings can feel more manageable. This idea is captured in this metaphor: you are the blue sky; your feelings are the weather (inspired by Harris 2009). If your feelings are the weather, then you are the blue sky where weather happens. If that’s the case, then your feelings are just things passing through your mind, as a tornado passes through the sky. You are not your feelings.

  One of my clients, Anne, came to me for help to stop drinking. She and her husband had recently separated because she’d found out that he was cheating on her with a friend of theirs. She talked about how she felt angry all the time and that it was an overwhelming feeling. It had led her to do some things she wasn’t proud of, including having screaming matches with her ex at her children’s baseball games. So instead of causing scenes she had taken up drinking—too much. Considering her feelings to be like the weather and herself as the blue sky was a revelation for her: she was not her anger. It was a part of her but it was not her. She used a lot of the skills in this chapter to learn to make space for her anger so it didn’t take over and lead her places she didn’t mean to go, whether that was drinking too much or fighting with her ex.

  If you are the blue sky and your feelings are the weather, then just as the worst hurricane or tornado can’t damage the blue sky, and it eventually ends, your feelings can’t damage you, and eventually they will pass. Sometimes we just have to wait out the storm. Does that mean it’s fun to live through a tornado or a rainstorm? Of course not! Is it easier to live your life when it’s sunny and 80 degrees compared to when it’s rainy and stormy? Of course! But if I let the weather determine what I can get done, I’ll forever be at the mercy of something I can’t control. Our job is to make space for our feelings, to be the blue sky, so we don’t have to engage in unhealthy habits to cope with our feelings and we can continue to do the things that matter to us.

  How to Take Guilt for a Run

  Guilt is an emotion that comes up often with my clients who are trying to engage in healthy habits. I frequently hear things like “Well, when I don’t feel guilty, then I’ll start going to the gym,” or “Maybe when my daughter is older, I won’t feel so guilty being away from her,” or “I feel too selfish going to the gym when my family needs me.” There’s a good reason why guilt keeps showing up. Imagine what would have happened if, back in cave people times, all the parents abandoned the children to go do something for themselves? The tribe’s survival would have been in trouble. Guilt showed up to make sure they did what was good for the tribe and not something selfish.

  Think about that for a minute. Guilt had to motivate cave people to not take more than their share, or to be selfish, in a time when such behaviors—eating more food or drinking more water—were about simple survival. Well, no wonder guilt feels terrible! It’s supposed to feel terrible. That’s the tool the brain had available to get our ancestors to do something against their own well-being in order for the tribe to survive. This feeling works so effectively that it helped our species to thrive!

  But in our modern world, selfishness may actually help the tribe. On Sunday mornings I have the option to go running with my running club or to watch my son play hockey. When I go running I feel proud of myself and I’m in a much better mood because I conversed with other friendly runners and I did something healthy for my body. All of this translates into me being a much better mom, a better member of my family (or “tribe”). If I go to the rink, I end up feeling resentful, tired, and stressed. So, rather than waiting for a day when I don’t feel guilty about running, guilt and I go for a run every Sunday (okay, not every Sunday).

  When I told this story in a workshop setting, the participants all started coming up with ways that I could make everyone feel better: “Maybe if you explain to your son…” and “Maybe if you go do other activities with your son…” and so on. This is what many of us do. We try to find ways to make everyone feel better before we act, but… No! It sucks. He feels disappointed and I feel guilty, but I know I’m serving the greater good of my tribe. You might be wondering, How can you do this? It comes down to my willingness to feel discomfort in the service of my values. I remind myself that running isn’t about losing weight or being selfish, it’s about being a more engaged mom.

  So if you feel guilty about doing something to take care of yourself or to engage in a healthy habit—congrats! You’re a well-functioning human. Does this healthy habit move you toward or away from the person you want to be or the life you want to have? If it’s a move toward, then invite guilt along as you engage in your healthy habit. Guilt is coming anyway, so you might as well not struggle with it. Welcome guilt as your smelly old companion, or perhaps a rambunctious puppy, but stick to your route.

  Choice Point

  On the choice point worksheet, beside “feelings” in the “passengers that get in the way” box, you might want to add some of the typical emotion passengers that show up for you so you can be more aware of them. I would record guilt, because it’s one of the common emotion passengers that shows up for me when I try to go to the gym. You can also add some of the skills (making a peace treaty, feelings are the weather, taking guilt for a run) you learned in this chapter that can help you manage emotion passengers. Taking guilt for a run is a skill that works well for me when I’m trying to go to the gym, so I’d record that in the “skills” box. I welcome my guilt and bring it with me.

  As with all skills, you need to practice them to do them well. I recommend making it a goal this week to practice one of the skills you learned. Keep in mind that your passengers will try to “help” you by suggesting that you avoid practicing these skills. For example, my client Charlie was working on accepting his feelings, and in one session he made the plan to practice checking in on them before the next session. When he returned and we checked in on his practice, we uncovered how his passengers had hamp
ered his efforts:

  Me:What did you notice while practicing checking in on your feelings?

  Charlie:Oh, I forgot.

  Me:Okay, how did the passengers help you forget?

  Charlie:Oh, well, I thought about it but then I forgot.

  Me:What do you think would have happened if the passengers hadn’t helped you forget?

  Charlie:I think I would have felt bad if I actually checked in on my anxiety, so I guess in a way they helped me not have to feel bad.

  Me:Wow! Great noticing.

  Even though his passengers had prevented him from practicing the skill of checking in, he was still able to notice how the passengers had taken him on a detour. Your passengers will help you avoid your feelings using any means necessary. Try to notice your passengers’ efforts, thank them very much, and practice your skills for managing feelings anyway. Remember, doing so is about your willingness to feel bad in the service of your values.

  Chapter 5:

  Be Glad You Don’t Put Your Socks on like a Two-Year-Old

  Imagine that, for some reason, you end up locking your dog out of the house and it’s raining, and your poor dog sits outside in the rain all day. When you get back home and let him into the house, how does your dog respond? Most people will say that the dog will wag his tail and greet them and be just delighted that they’re home. Now imagine that, for some reason, you end up locking your spouse (or your mom or dad or sister) out of the house and it’s raining. When you get back home and let him or her into the house, how does your spouse (or mom or dad or sister) respond? Is your spouse happy to see you? Probably not.

  Why do your dog and your spouse respond differently? Humans have the ability to represent experiences with symbolic language or thought. Thinking allows us to envision and experience things beyond what our five sense are experiencing in the present moment. Take the example of the dog. As soon as you come home and let him into the house, he’s experiencing being in the house and you being home and he’s happy. Because of symbolic language or thought, however, humans have the ability to exist in the past and the future regardless of what’s going on in the present. The human can remember being outside all day long in the rain, and when you get home, this person is mad. Even once inside the house, the human is still experiencing being stuck out in the rain.

  Symbolic thought and language have tremendous advantages. One is that learning doesn’t require experience. Here’s what I mean. With words alone you can teach a child that snakes are dangerous; the child never has to experience being bitten by a snake. This is clearly advantageous: humans can adapt and learn through language and don’t require direct experience.

  However, this ability also has a downside. What happens when you read the word “milk”? Perhaps images of white, cold liquid, or cookies, or cows, appear in your mind, or thoughts about whether you like milk or not. And all of this can happen without milk actually being present. This is the power of symbolic thought and language. We can experience things that aren’t actually happening in the here and now. This ability for thoughts to be experienced as real can keep us from doing the things that matter to us in life. Thoughts like I’m too tired to go to the gym or I really need a smoke can be experienced as “real” and “true,” whether or not they are, and interfere with our ability to stick to our healthy habits. In this chapter we’re going to learn about how our thoughts impact us and how to still live our healthiest life and do the things that matter to us.

  Automatic Pilot

  Have you ever driven somewhere and then had no idea how you got there? Me too. Things like this happen when we’re on automatic pilot. For example, one day while driving to work I ended up at my son’s school, and he wasn’t even in the car! My mind was on automatic pilot. This was a harmless event in which I fell into a routine habit, but if we allow ourselves to be on automatic pilot too much, it can also interfere with our ability to stick to our healthy habits.

  Automatic pilot plays a big role in healthy habits, or lack thereof. Many of my clients living with obesity would tell the same tale of ending up on the couch in front of the TV eating potato chips and having little idea how they got there. I might press them, asking, “What were you thinking? What were you feeling?” The answers were often similar: “I don’t know—it just happened.” And I believe them. This is a classic example of being on automatic pilot, and none of us are immune. We get home from a long day, we’re tired, and automatic pilot takes over and we do what we usually do. In fact, your mind has probably devised lovely ways for you to “treat” yourself at the end of a long day, such as having a drink, having a cigarette, or mindlessly eating junk food in front of the TV. Unfortunately, these behaviors have only short-term benefits. If you’re not paying attention, automatic pilot can take you places you don’t want to go, whether that’s going to school when you meant to go to work or eating chips when you meant to be sticking to your healthy habits.

  Automatic pilot isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though. Have you ever watched a two-year-old try to put on socks? It is a long ordeal. And how about you? How long did it take you to put your socks on this morning? Do you even remember putting them on? Or did they somehow just end up on your feet? This is one of the benefits of automatic pilot. Processes like putting on socks have become nearly unconscious acts. Automatic pilot can relieve us of the need to process everything, freeing us up to think about other things. Imagine if it still took you as long to put on your socks as it does a two-year-old. You wouldn’t have time for much else in your day. So automatic pilot can be great, but in order to stick to our route in life we also need to be able to turn it off.

  Mindfulness

  Mindfulness is the opposite of automatic pilot. It means paying attention to the present moment, on purpose, in a kind and nonjudgmental way (Kabat-Zinn 2016). Sometimes people ask me what the difference is between mindfulness and meditation. There are many different kinds of meditation, and many are attached to religious traditions or philosophies, such as Buddhism or Hinduism. One form is called mindfulness meditation. There are many different ways to practice mindfulness skills, only one of which is mindfulness meditation, and we’ll review a variety of them in this chapter.

  There are a few key skills involved in being mindful: observing our thoughts rather than getting caught up in them, doing this without judgment, and being in the present moment. We need to be able to turn off automatic pilot when doing so would help us with our health behaviors, and the skill of mindfulness is one way we can do this. It is a key skill for managing the thoughts that can get in the way of our healthy habits.

  Many people erroneously think that “mindfulness” means “having no thoughts” or “having an empty mind.” I’ve had clients say they can’t practice mindfulness because their “minds are too busy” or they “can’t turn off their thoughts.” Mindfulness isn’t about having an empty mind, it’s about being able to notice and observe our thoughts rather than getting taken away by them. The practice of mindfulness entails noticing your mind wandering and then bringing it back to the present moment. It’s not about preventing your mind from wandering, because a wandering mind is a normal thing.

  A client of mine, Shannon, offered a great example of how she would get caught up in her thoughts and get taken away by them: “I’m trying to study for an exam, and I suddenly think ‘How old is Beyoncé?’ And then immediately I find myself googling her, and before I know it, I’ve spent twenty minutes looking up facts about her rather than studying for my exam.” What her wandering mind did is normal. The goal is not to prevent the mind from wandering, but to notice when it has wandered and to bring it back.

  One way to think about this process is to imagine that your thoughts are a football that your mind hands you. You can either take the football and run or you can drop it. Shannon’s mind offered her the football of “How old is Beyoncé?” and she ran with it: How old is Beyoncé? I thought she was older than me but
maybe not. Google! Oh, look how old her kids are… Mindfulness is dropping the football: Oh, look! My mind is wandering. Let’s come back to studying.

  Mindfulness is also not meant to be a relaxation exercise, as some people think. Some people feel relaxed or centered after practicing mindfulness, but this is only a bonus, not the goal. Talking about mindfulness is a bit like talking about dancing: it’s not the same as experiencing dancing, and no matter how much you talk about dancing, it won’t capture the experience itself. In the same way, it’s a lot more clarifying to experience mindfulness firsthand. Let’s review some skills or methods you can use to become more mindful.

  Leaves on a Stream

  Let’s try a classic acceptance and commitment therapy mindfulness exercise (inspired by Harris 2009). There’s an audio version available for download at this book’s website: http://www.newharbinger.com/43317. Before we begin, take a moment to reflect on how your passengers might stop you from actually trying this exercise, thus knocking you off your route. Notice what they’re saying. Try thanking the passengers for sharing, and then do the exercise anyway.

  Imagine that you’re standing by the side of a stream, and there are leaves floating by. Imagine this however you’d like. Now when you notice yourself having a thought, put that thought on a leaf and watch it float down the stream. If you have no thoughts, just picture the stream.

  From time to time you will get caught up in a thought. This is normal and natural. When it happens, try to notice that you’ve been pulled away from the present moment, and gently bring yourself back to standing by the stream.

  Perhaps you notice thoughts like What kind of thought am I having? or Am I doing this exercise correctly? Great noticing. Just put those thoughts on a leaf and watch them float by.