Healthy Habits Suck

by Dayna Lee-Baggley

  Leave

  Sometimes lifestyle change means leaving a toxic workplace or ending an unsupportive relationship. If others in your life can’t meet your needs, you may need to develop new relationships with people who can meet your needs. If you decide that you need to leave an unhelpful situation or relationship, your passengers will try to stop you (remember, the devil you do know is better than the devil you don’t know), so be prepared for rumble strips ahead! Be ready for your passengers by answering these questions well in advance of any change you make: What value will I be expressing by leaving this relationship or environment? How will leaving this situation help me be the person I want to be? How will I manage the passengers and the discomfort that will arise in order to move toward this value?

  Is There Someone in Your Boat?

  There will be many things in life that you can’t solve. People in your life may not behave the way you want them to, your body may not do what you want it to do, and life circumstances will keep getting in the way of your heathy habits. Close, secure relationships can really help you cope with these realities.

  Let’s do another thought experiment. Imagine you’re in a little rowboat out on the ocean, and the boat is taking on water. Other people are worried about the boat sinking, and they attempt to help you in different ways. Some people stand on the shore and shout instructions: “Maybe if you bailed faster,” or “Try bailing with both hands.” These folks are trying to “fix” your problem. Here’s a real-world example. Let’s say you’ve been struggling to quit smoking, and a friend says, “Have you tried that gum? I heard it works. Did you try hypnosis? Maybe that will work.” Your friend is probably saying this with the best intentions, but if the problem could be fixed that easily you would have fixed it already. It’s likely that your problem has no fix or involves a messy, complicated fix, such as needing to manage your passengers more effectively.

  Sometimes people paddle out in a boat and get beside you, saying things like “I know how bad that must be, I’ve been in a sinking boat too.” In the real world, it might look something like this: You’re describing to a friend your lifelong struggle with weight, and she responds, “Oh, I know. It took me over a year to lose my baby weight with the last baby, but just keep working at it.” She’s trying to be helpful, trying to make you feel better, but hearing about another’s personal experience sometimes feels like it takes away from our experience.

  Then there are people who get in the boat with you. These people don’t help you bail; they don’t try to fix the problem. What they do is help you feel less alone. Your problem doesn’t go away, but the pain you feel is more bearable when you’re not alone.

  Getting in the boat involves validating someone’s experience, which is not the same as validating that the other person’s beliefs are correct. Saying, “I can understand why your weight bothers you” is not the same as saying “You’re right; you’re overweight and your life is terrible.” We often try to talk someone down (make them feel better) by telling them something’s not that bad, but this often results in them upping the ante—that is, they describe something that’s even worse.

  Here’s an example:

  Anna:I hate this medication for my diabetes. I wish I didn’t have to take it.

  Jane:Oh, I’m sure it’s not that bad. Just stick with it.

  Anna:No, you clearly don’t understand. It’s really bad. It makes me tired and nauseous and I don’t think it’s even helping.

  Jane:Well, I’m sure the doctors wouldn’t give it to you if it wasn’t helpful.

  Anna:Well, they don’t have to deal with the side effects, do they? I don’t even know if I’ll keep taking this medication.

  Here’s what it would sound like if the other person’s feelings and experiences (not necessarily their beliefs) are validated:

  Anna:I hate this medication for my diabetes. I wish I didn’t have to take it.

  Jane:What’s the worst part about it?

  Anna:It makes me tired and nauseous and I don’t think it’s even helping.

  Jane:I can understand why you don’t like it. It must be hard to keep taking it.

  Anna:Yeah, but I need to take it. Otherwise my diabetes will be out of control.

  Ironically, by validating others rather than trying to convince them something’s not that bad, we’re more likely to actually make them feel better. This is what it means to get in the boat with someone; you validate your friend’s experience so she knows she’s not alone in whatever she’s feeling. Notice that this doesn’t involve having to validate that someone’s beliefs are correct (for example, Jane didn’t have to say, “You’re right, the medication isn’t working”), just the person’s feelings (for example, “I can understand why you don’t like it”).

  Research has shown the importance of having others in our boat with us. In one study, researchers had participants stand at the bottom of a hill and estimate how tall it was (Schnall et al. 2008). If participants stood with a loved one, they estimated the hill to be less high than when they were alone. In another study, participants estimated the weight of a backpack that they’d have to carry. If they were with a loved one—knowing full well that the other person would not help them carry the backpack—they estimated that the backpack was lighter than when they were alone. As you can see, when we have the support of others, the hills we have to climb in life seem smaller, and the weights we have to carry seem lighter.

  In a series of amazing studies (Johnson et al. 2013; Coan, Schaefer, and Davidson 2006), researchers looked at the impact that having others in our boat had on our experience of pain. These researchers used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to measure brain activity in participants whose toes were shocked. The fMRI allowed researchers to observe the experience of pain based on the brain’s response. When participants held the hand of a loved one, their brain showed less pain, whereas when they were alone it showed more (the shock administered was always the same). When they were shocked alone, participants described the shock as “excruciating,” but when they held the hand of a loved one they described it as “not a big deal.”

  It’s important to note that these researchers (Johnson et al. 2013) also found that distressed relationships can make dealing with life’s hurdles even more difficult—that is, “holding the hand” of this person can actually make the pain feel worse. You’re better off alone than seeking support from this person in times of need. We only benefit from having someone else there if we’re in a secure, stable relationship with that person.

  So all of this is to say that when we have supportive, stable, loving relationships, the obstacles don’t seem as big, the burdens don’t seem as heavy, and the pain isn’t as bad. Having someone in your boat doesn’t take the pain away, but it adds comfort, which makes pain and difficulties more bearable. You will face many unsolvable problems in life and with your health; it’s to your benefit to not do so alone.

  Choice Point

  Having read this chapter, you can add some more information to the choice point worksheet. Under “skills” you can write “assertive communication,” which can help you with your healthy habits. Under “passengers that get in the way” you can write down some of your maladaptive interpersonal styles, such as pleasing people or passiveness, which can get in the way of your healthy habits. For example, I often need to be assertive and ask for my needs to be met in order to get to the gym, because I often need the help of others, whether that’s getting someone else to watch my kid or telling my kid that I’m going to miss his sports practice. My passengers will say things like “Don’t be difficult,” or “Don’t bother others with requests,” or “Your son will be upset.” But I need to go to the gym anyway, despite the discomfort I might feel. It helps to remind myself of the rumble strip I have to go over in order to be assertive.

  Remember, the part that you control is you. This means that your job is to ask assertively,
and to try to get in the boat with your loved ones. These behaviors increase the likelihood that you’ll receive the same treatment from others in your life, even though you don’t control them.

  Chapter 8:

  You Will Fall off the Wagon

  Maintaining a healthy habit is very challenging. Life is going to get in your way. Maybe you get sick or your kid gets sick and you stop going to the gym, or you end up at a holiday party face-to-face with your favorite treats and end up eating way too much. It’s not a question of if you will fall off the wagon—that is, stop engaging in your healthy habits—it’s a question of how quickly can you get back on. You will fall off the wagon, because you’re only human, but do you get back on the next morning, next Monday, or a year from now?

  Most people engage in some all-or-nothing thinking when they fall off the wagon: Well, I blew it, I might as well just eat whatever I want. With this kind of thinking, small lapses can turn into long relapses, during which we can undo a lot of the positive effects of our efforts, so it’s key to get back to your healthy habit as quickly as possible. In this chapter we’re going to look at how long it takes to establish healthy habits, what you can do when you fall off the wagon, and, of course, the passengers who might get in the way of sticking to them.

  The “Twenty-One Days to Build a Habit” Myth

  Perhaps you’ve heard that it takes twenty-one days to build a habit. Unfortunately there is no scientific evidence to back this up (Clear 2014). It actually takes more like two to three years to build a healthy habit. Yes, this probably is discouraging to hear, but I share it in the hopes that you’ll be more compassionate with yourself if you try a health behavior for twenty-one days and it doesn’t stick. You’re not a failure, it just takes longer than this to establish a habit.

  It takes at least one calendar year of persistence and consistency for you to figure out how to keep a habit going. After a year you’ve been tested by typical events, such as Thanksgiving and Christmas and the like. The second year through you’re a bit wiser; you’re a bit better at sticking with your habit. But sometimes it takes until the third year for you to notice the absence of your healthy habit, and this will somehow feel odd and remind you to reengage in it. Healthy habits don’t ever become automatic, but they can become part of your routine so that you notice your effort less often. It’s helpful to remind yourself of these facts when you struggle to maintain healthy habits or fall off the wagon altogether. If you’re kind with yourself, it’s less likely that a lapse will turn into a long-term relapse.

  Chutes and Ladders

  In the board game Chutes and Ladders (or Snakes and Ladders), you roll dice and move your piece along squares on the board accordingly. If you land on a square with a chute, you have to slide down the chute to a lower square. If you land on a square with a ladder, you get to climb the ladder, skipping a bunch of squares and moving into a winning position faster. The first player to get to the top square wins.

  Our efforts to stick to healthy habits can be a lot like Chutes and Ladders. There will be times when you stop doing your healthy habit and it feels like you have to start at the beginning again. This is like hitting a chute and sliding back to an earlier square. But the more you work on getting back to doing your healthy habit, the more often you will hit ladders. That is to say, you will get back to where you were faster than the first time you had to get back to your healthy habit.

  Here’s a concrete example. When I was trying to establish a regular habit of exercise, I caught a cold and stopped going to the gym. This was like hitting a chute. It was a month before I got back to the gym. When I started going again, it felt like starting over. I was sore after workouts and it felt really hard to get back at it. But I kept at it. The next time I stopped going to the gym it only took two weeks to get back to going again instead of four weeks. I had hit a ladder. I got back to where I had been with my fitness faster than after the first time I stopped going to the gym. If you keep at it, it will get easier to get back to your healthy habit each time you stop engaging in it. You will hit more ladders and get back to where you were faster.

  What to Do When You Fall Off the Wagon

  Responding to ourselves with self-compassion when we fall off the wagon is an effective way to get back on the wagon. Although it’s a common cultural belief that being hard on ourselves can motivate us, the research doesn’t support this idea. While being hard on yourself can sometimes help you get started with a new behavior, it rarely helps you keep it up, and often it can undermine your efforts. In contrast, research has shown that being kind to yourself in the face of setbacks can help you persist at difficult tasks (Hope, Koestner, and Milyavskaya 2014; Neely et al. 2009).

  After falling off the wagon, many people decide to get back to it by doing all their health behaviors at once. My client, John, had fallen off the wagon and was determined to get back on it full force: “I’ve got to start counting my calories and get back to walking every day and start measuring my portions and start bringing my lunch to work every day.” Does that sound daunting and overwhelming? Of course it does! And if you’ve attempted to get back on the wagon in this manner, you’ve probably struggled. The trick to getting back to your health behaviors more quickly is to ease yourself back onto the wagon so it’s not such a punishing task.

  Before you fall off the wagon (that is, right now), identify the simplest, easiest SMART goal related to your healthy habit (see chapter 3) that you can reach for that would symbolize getting back on the wagon. Think about adding or doing things (for example, eating more vegetables, drinking a glass of water, or going for a ten-minute walk) instead of not doing things or taking things away (for example, don’t eat fast food, stop eating chocolate). Here are some steps you can take to get back on the wagon in a compassionate way:

  Notice what happened. (For example, “I was trying to watch my portions but I ended up at a buffet and ate until I was stuffed.”)

  Notice how your self-critical passenger will judge you automatically. (For example, Why did I do that? What’s the matter with me? I can’t believe I undid all my hard work. This is never going to work!)

  Respond to that judgment with curiosity and an observer perspective. (For example, “Wow! Look at how my mind is judging me. It’s sure working hard to try to motivate me.”)

  Recognize that whatever choice you made, you were likely acting just like a human being is supposed to. (For example, “My body and mind have evolved to prefer sugary, fatty, salty foods and to eat as much as possible whenever it’s available, so eating everything at the buffet is exactly what my body has evolved to do.”)

  Congratulate yourself. (For example, “Congrats! I am a well-functioning human.”)

  Remind yourself that almost everyone else has done the same thing. (For example, “We’ve all overeaten.”)

  Give yourself a hug, tell yourself something kind, and imagine what your compassionate passenger might say. (For example, “You’re a human like everyone else, and we all make mistakes. Just get back on the wagon.”)

  Use the SMART goal you’ve already identified to get back on track. Try to get back to your behavior as soon as possible: before you finish the bag of chips, after dinner, or before bed. Don’t wait until tomorrow morning, next Monday, or January 1.

  With kindness and self-compassion ease yourself back onto the wagon with your easy, healthy SMART goal that you identified ahead of time. Congratulate yourself for being a well-functioning human who can respond to yourself with kindness in the face of setbacks and personal failings.

  Passenger Tricks

  After you’ve fallen off the wagon it can be useful to review what your passengers did to help knock you off your route, what “passenger tricks” they used. Did they convince you that you couldn’t do some behavior or that you shouldn’t, or did they put you on automatic pilot? Some of my personal favorites (that is, the ones my passengers love telling me) are “There�
�s ice cream. You love ice cream! It’s your favorite!” Or “You’ve had such a long hard day. You deserve a treat.” Or “You don’t have time for that.”

  As I mentioned already, your passengers aren’t out to get you, nor are they trying to harm you—quite the opposite. They are doing their best to take care of you. And if you were a cave person, their suggestions would likely be very helpful for short-term survival. But because we live in modern times, there’s a good chance that their suggestions will lead you away from your values and healthy habits. Falling for passenger tricks with regularity won’t help you stick to your healthy habits in the long term.

  The first step to overcoming passenger tricks is to recognize that they are never going away. Once your mind finds what it thinks is a survival strategy, it will never let go of it. And, of course, this is very appropriate in an evolutionary context. Remember that cave person from earlier in the book who survived a bear attack but then forgot all about it. He is not our ancestor. A well-functioning mind, one equipped for survival, would remember this bear attack and remind the survivor of it whenever possible. Even if this person moved to the Sahara Desert, where bears don’t live, he’d still remember the bear attack. This is how the mind works.

  So, you can’t rid yourself of passenger tricks, but you can develop skills so you are less likely to fall for them. Think of it this way: Like most people, you probably receive spam in your inbox either warning you of something terrible (“Your accounts have been frozen”) or exciting (“You’re the winner of a huge jackpot”), and all you have to do is click on the link to fix your account or collect your prize. If you’ve ever clicked one of these links, you likely opened a virus that wreaked havoc on your computer. We can’t stop the spam from arriving, but we can stop ourselves from clicking the link, and the same is true of our passengers. We can’t stop the passengers from offering the tricks, but we don’t have to fall for them. I touched on some of these tricks in previous chapters, but we’re going to review a few more and look at ways to deal with them.