by C. A. Harms
“I’ll see you tonight,” he added, kissing me once more. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I lay in bed, watching as he disappeared from the room. I remained there until I heard the door close and shortly after the sound of his truck starting from beneath me.
***
I was nervous. Okay, nervous didn’t cover it. I was a wreck as I stood on the front porch of the home I’d lived in for the last five years. There was a time or two I’d lifted my hand to knock only to feel foolish for considering it. This was still my home, even though I hadn’t been staying there. Since the moment she came back to Brooklet I hadn’t felt welcome here.
I knew that was my fault. I placed that distance between me and my father, and I’d pushed for the wedge that had been driven between my mother and me to remain. I could have chosen to do as my dad had and welcomed her back into my life, but I’d chosen to hold a grudge. The same grudge I’ve kept since day one but had been doing everything to let go of.
In all honesty, I think what bothered me the most was that there were so many times over the past years when I needed my mother. There were so many things I wanted to talk to her about and seek guidance, only I couldn’t. But I also knew that my future now held times when I would need her again. A daughter should have a mother they can rely on as they walk through the stages of life, and my life was changing with each day that passed. I also knew that it would be changing again soon, and the idea of being able to turn to my mother, I’ll admit, did strike excitement inside me.
I took in one more deep breath and reached out for the door handle, turning it slowly. I could instantly hear the laughter of my mother, followed by my father’s own happiness. I was faced with the knowledge that she gave him that. She always did, and I know that one of the reasons why he never let go was because he never stopped loving her. In his world, there wasn’t another person who could ever make him as happy as she had.
I walked inside, careful to be as quiet as possible. I didn’t want to interrupt; in fact, I wanted to see them. I wanted to watch them together and see for myself that she was genuine with her regrets.
There they stood in the dining room near the entry to the kitchen, my father's arms wrapped around my mother securely. Her body arched inward toward his as her arms circled his neck. She looked up into his eyes and he spoke softly to her. I should have felt wrong for eavesdropping on their moment, but I didn’t.
I think I needed to see her look at him, just as she was at that very second. The way her smile was so wide, her eyes so bright. There was truly no denying that she loved my father, and a huge part of me felt guilty for giving them something to worry about when they had this happiness to share.
Just then my mother looked in my direction, and I saw her body go rigid immediately in my father’s arms. She attempted to back away, and again that guilt I felt hit me all over again. “I remember when I was little, and Raven and I used to hide in the hallway long after we were supposed to have been in bed. We’d watch the two of you dance and smile at one another. I remember the feeling those moments gave me. I felt like one of the luckiest kids in the world to have parents that loved one another so much. It made me feel so safe, like nothing of evil could touch me because I had this perfect little family to turn to.”
I saw the sadness in my mother’s eyes and felt my own grief for placing it there. “I just got that feeling again.” She looked up at me, her eyes filling with tears. “Seeing you together, I just realized it was something I’d missed so much. I can’t promise I’ll forget, but I promise that I’ll do my best to forgive.”
My own tears dripped from my eyes and ran along my cheeks as my mother offered me a nod and my father stretched out his arm, inviting me in for a hug.
I no longer wanted the distance that had been placed between us, and that was the start of a new journey for us.
I spent the next couple hours with them, sharing lunch and talking about their plans to take a weekend trip to Savannah. We talked about Rhett, and at first it felt strange sharing my current life with her, but quickly we fell into a rhythm.
I’d take it slow, tread lightly, but it felt good to have that weighted anger off my shoulders.
I pulled up into Rhett’s driveway, my hands shaking as I reached out to grab the small bag from my passenger seat. The contents of this bag held so much. I was terrified of what my future held, but also so very excited to know the truth.
With one deep breath, I climbed out of my car and began walking toward the doorway that led to the apartment above. With my key in hand, I continued to breathe calmly.
“AJ.” I spun around and dropped the bag as I pressed my hand to my chest. Grace rushed forward and bent down to pick up the items I dropped, and I felt like my heart was about to beat out of my chest. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” She held out the bag, and with shaking hands I took it from her.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I lied. “Just wasn’t expecting anyone.”
“Are you and Rhett fighting?” Her question surprised me, and I think that had shown on my features because she immediately attempted to explain. “He was surprised by her being here, I think as much as the rest of us. From what Daddy says, he was less than friendly yesterday when she showed up at Gran’s. I just hoped that the two of you could talk through it and that you wouldn’t let it cause a conflict between you.”
“What are you talking about?” I was lost in confusion.
“Harley being back.” She placed her hand on her hip and cocked her head to the side. “Her showing up and demanding that they pick up where they left off was completely out of the blue.”
Suddenly I felt nauseated. “Harley’s back?”
“You didn’t know?” I watched as a panic took over her curious gaze. “I’d just assumed that he’d told you last night and that was why you were so worked up tonight.”
I pulled in the small bag tighter to my chest. The bag that only seconds ago had given me hope for our future. Hope with a touch of fear, I’ll admit, but hope still the same.
“If you’ll excuse me.” I didn’t want to be rude, but I also didn’t want her to see me fall apart. “I need to get a shower and start dinner.” I’d completely lied, and I’d hoped it didn’t show as I hurried up the stairs.
As I stepped inside, I stood with my hand still extended outward holding onto the handle and overlooked the space. A space that Rhett and I had already begun to create so many memories in.
Irritation hit me as I tried to figure out why he hadn’t told me. I mean there were so many chances, yet he hid the truth. I wanted to believe he had reasons for leaving it out of our conversations, but part of me, that nagging insecure part, kept telling me it was my worst fears coming to life. He didn’t tell me because he didn’t know how. Telling me meant admitting that he still had feelings for her.
I paced the apartment still being eaten up from the inside out by fear. That deep, unsettled feeling in my stomach only managed to grow more prominent with each passing minute. Moving around the area, I did my best to remain busy with menial chores, hoping that it would help me keep my mind from going to the one place I couldn’t allow.
The place where I led myself to believe that things between him and I were coming to an end.
Emptying the dryer, I folded all his socks and added them to the basket of clothes that already needed to be put away. Continuing to move throughout the apartment, I walked toward the bedroom, opening one drawer after another and placing the items inside. Then I saw it—a large envelope tucked in his drawer beneath his shorts, face down. My curiosity got the best of me as I carefully removed it and turned it over. And my heart sank, feeling as if it hit the floor at my feet.
Harley Micheals was the return sender.
My hands shook as I gripped the envelope. I wanted to respect his privacy, to believe that whatever this envelope held was completely innocent. Only I looked at the postmarked date and found that
it was sent to him after he and I had begun to date.
And my world crashed when I lifted the edge and the contents slid from inside and pooled on the dresser top before me.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Rhett
“AJ,” I hollered out as I entered the quiet space. When she didn’t respond, I figured she must have fallen asleep. I placed dinner on the counter and the single rose I’d grabbed as I passed my mother’s garden on my way up.
“Babe?” I said hesitantly as I walked down the hallway toward my room and froze as I stepped through the doorway. AJ sat on the bed, looking at a pile of photographs and what appeared to be letters. I had two choices here—I could play stupid, or I could admit that I already knew what it was she’d found.
“When were you planning to tell me?” AJ didn’t even look up, only reached out and picked up one of the photographs. My chest felt unbelievably tight, and breathing was even growing difficult.
“I was gonna tell you last night, but—” I paused when she finally lifted her head to look at me. “You were already so upset about your mother, and then Mikey was here this morning.”
I’d recognized the look on her face immediately. It was the same look she got when she was less than impressed.
“So this is my fault.” She lifted her hand and shook the photo she still held. “What about the past months? Because that’s how long you’ve had all these sweet little love notes from Harley. What about all those times, Rhett? You have had more than enough times to be honest with me.”
“I didn’t feel it necessary to give you more doubt. Those things are nothing.” I pointed toward the bed.
Suddenly AJ stood and used her hand to sweep across the comforter, making all the photos and letters go sailing through the air. “You’re wrong. They are something. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have kept them, you wouldn’t have hid them in your drawer so that you could reminisce.”
I stepped toward her and she held up her hand to stop me. “I had to hear it from your sister when it should have been from you.”
She hung her head, letting her arms hang loosely at her sides. I could see her shoulders rising and falling as she took one deep breath after another. “I was gonna tell you tonight.”
I wanted to reach for her. I wanted to hold her in my arms and assure her that Harley being here meant nothing.
“I should have listened to myself in the beginning. Because I think I always knew that this would happen.” A panicked feeling sucker-punched me. “She was your first love, and she’ll always have that special place in your heart.”
“AJ.” I stepped forward again, and when she tried to hold me off I ignored her movement. I wrapped my arms around her tightly and pulled her body to mine. “Let me explain.” It was something I should have done long ago, but I guess somewhere in my mind I’d thought if I ignored it, it would all disappear. Now there was a strong chance that Harley would be back in this area for good, and I couldn’t ignore this fear anymore.
“I think I need to go home, Rhett.” AJ pushed against my chest, and I just held her tighter. “Let me go.”
“No.” She had to be crazy if she thought that would be all it took for me to step aside. “Her being here changes nothing.” I leaned back and cupped her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. “We are still us, and that isn’t gonna change.”
For a second that hardened look in her eyes softened and she lifted her hands to fist my shirt.
“I love you, AJ,” I confessed, still feeling panicked that I was about to lose her. “I’m begging you not to go, damn it. AJ, I need you. I need you and only you. Stay and talk to me, please, baby, please.”
“All those letters she wrote, the cards she sent…” The sadness in her voice squeezed my heart and literally made it ache. “If she doesn’t mean anything anymore, then why did you keep them?”
She lifted her hands to cover my own that still firmly held her face. She leaned into my touch and turned her head just enough to press a soft kiss to my palm. Then carefully she pulled my hands from her face, still holding them in hers.
“I think that you did a really good job convincing yourself that what you felt for her, you no longer felt.” I shook my head. “You need to decide what you want. What you truly want, Rhett, because I can’t live with this doubt in my mind. It was always a fear I had. And I’ll admit I let it go, but now I’m not so sure.”
Those moments in life when you feel like your life is moving on all around you, yet you are stuck, frozen in one single second—that’s where I was. It was like I couldn’t fucking move or speak. So many things racing through my mind—anger, frustration, hell, even confusion—they all had me hanging on the edge of fear.
AJ stepped around me and I could hear her behind me, yet I remained where I was, still trying to register her words.
She thought it was all a ruse, some game, she was the void feeler. After all our times together, all the things I’d told her, she still felt like Harley meant more to me than her.
When I turned around I caught her moving toward the door and my feet were suddenly on the move.
“Stop,” I hollered at her as she looked back over her shoulder. “God damn it, Allison Jo, will you listen to me for a minute?”
She continued down the stairs and I was hot on her tail.
“Listen to you what? Tell me that you’re still in love with her? Listen to you explain that even though you’ve spent that last seven months with me, you still have strong feelings for her? Stronger feelings than you hold for me? Call me stupid, Rhett, but I’m not gonna stand here and listen as my heart gets shattered. I don’t deserve that, not after everything I’ve given you.”
“Fine, I do love Harley.” She reached the bottom of the stairway and looked back at me with wide eyes. “But it’s not how you think.”
I reached the bottom of the steps, and AJ stood only a few feet away. “I’ve known her for a long time. We were friends long before we were more. And that—” She didn’t let me say anything more. She didn’t give me the chance to tell her that love isn’t how she had visualized it.
Instead, she rushed toward me and shoved me in the chest. “You said you loved me.” Another push, and I allowed her to get out her anger. I knew that if I didn’t I’d never get the chance to explain. “You said that you loved me and that you were happy. You told me you could see a future with me and that you’d never hurt me.”
I could feel her breaking down, slowing losing her strength as she continued to shove at me. It always broke me to see her in this state. After everything she’d been going through, the emotional distress of her family I think only added to the current state.
I’d reached the point where I could no longer wait it out as I gripped her wrists and held her close as she fought against my hold. “You told me my heart was safe with you.”
“It is,” I said as she shook her head no. “I love you, AJ.”
“But you love her too.” The words came out in more of a saddened whisper.
“Harley was my first of many things, baby, but you are my girl. You are the woman I love.” She blinked, and tears fell over her cheeks as her lower lip trembled. “A part of me will always hold a special place for Harley because she was a part of my life for so long, but what we had is over. All I want is you.”
When AJ looked up at me, her eyes were filled with unshed tears, and I leaned in to kiss her. “I don’t want her. I want you.”
We remained where we were, me holding her against me, gently rocking from side to side. I could feel her settling in and allowing me to keep her close. “I need you to believe me. I need you to let me love you.”
Fuck, I’d never felt so drained in my life.
“Is everything okay, Rhett?” The sound of my mother’s voice echoed across the yard.
“Yeah,” I hollered out, still holding AJ close, “it’s good, Ma.”
I felt AJ once again tug against me, but I wasn’t quite ready to let go of her. Part of me was terrified tha
t the moment I did, she’d walk away.
“Please don’t go,” I whispered.
“I think I need to.” I felt like my heart was fucking breaking. “I just need some space.”
“Why?” I squeezed her tighter to me and buried my face in her hair, breathing her in. “Whatever you need, you can have it here. I’ll leave, or I’ll sleep on the couch, but please stay.”
“I can’t.” She looked up at me. “I need you to know.”
“Know?”
“That it’s really me that you want.” I throw my hands in the air in frustration and immediately recognized my mistake as she stepped back. “You say now that it is, but it was easy for you to make that choice when she was thousands of miles away. Now she’s here, and I know that if I give in now and accept that it’s me you want, I’ll be left to always wonder.”
I felt like there was something she wasn’t telling me.
“I love you, Rhett,” she whispered as she stepped back, and I stepped forward to keep her from getting too far away.
“Why do I feel like this is you telling me goodbye?”
“I’m just saying good night.” Though she offered me a smile, I knew it was forced. I’d been given her smile so many times, I knew the difference between genuine and fake.
AJ began to turn, and on instinct I reached out and grabbed for her, only managing to make contact with the bag that hung on her shoulder. It slid down her arm and she tried to stop it, but before she could, part of the contents spilled to the garage floor.
She scrambled to gather everything she could, her hands shaking in the process. I had that frozen-in-time experience as I stared ahead at one item in particular. A long, narrow box opened on one end, tucked just beneath the front tire of my truck. I was so lost in that moment that I didn’t even attempt to stop her when she hurried away. It was the sound of her car starting and her headlights shining through the opened door that brought me out of the haze.