by Toler, B N
“That doesn’t mean you had to seek him out.”
I turned my gaze from him. That I couldn’t argue with. He was right. I shouldn’t have let Pepper invite him and Bailor over for dinner when we’d seen them in the bar. But I hadn’t stopped it from happening, and now…now the feelings had resurfaced, and being near Cole again felt good. How could I let that go again?
“He’s been good,” Joe said flatly. “Been healed for quite a few years. Don’t mess that up for him.”
My throat tightened with emotion. Cole did seem happy, compared to years ago, which was all I’d ever wanted for him.
Before I could defend myself any further, Cole stepped in the kitchen, noting my expression and lifting his brows. He opened his mouth to say something, but before he could the screen door screeched open.
“Cole!” Bailor called just as he reached the kitchen, pulling up short behind Joe. “I see you finally decided to say hello to Emalee, Joe. ‘Bout time.”
Joe met my gaze, his disappointment and discontent evident. “Yeah, it was good catching up, Emalee.”
“You too, Joe,” I murmured unable to meet his stare.
Bailor backed up to give Joe room to maneuver his chair out of the room. “Always a ray of sunshine, that one,” he joked out of the corner of his mouth. “Pepper is in the truck. We’re all done. You guys ready?”
“Uh, yeah.” Cole looked at me, concern still etched across his face. “You ready?”
“Yes. Do you mind if I borrow this?” I asked indicating the notebook still hugged to my chest.
“I haven’t seen that thing in years.” The corners of Bailor’s mouth lifted ruefully.
“I think Mom would want you to have it,” Cole replied.
Back at my grandmother’s house, the guys walked us to the door, but I quickly shut down any chance that Pepper might invite them in. “Thank you, guys, for a great day.” I yawned dramatically. “I’m exhausted.”
Bailor and Cole looked surprised, but quickly recovered.
“Thanks for coming along,” Bailor replied.
Cole studied my face for a long moment before stepping up and planting a peck on my cheek then said, “I’ll call you tomorrow. Maybe we can do dinner again.” I allowed myself a moment to meet his gaze before I looked away.
No. We can’t do dinner, Cole, I thought. I ruined any chance we had for that. I gave him a noncommittal nod, unable to bring myself to turn him away.
Reconnecting with Cole had been wonderful but foolish. My mother would arrive soon, and I would be spending all of my time with her. Not to mention my father had gone AWOL, and a sleaze-ball reporter was preparing to expose his secret. There was just too much. I couldn’t allow myself to get close to Cole again just to let him go. Or worse, have him turn away from me when he discovered my secret. It had nearly broken me the first time, and I’d been much stronger back then.
Bailor and Pepper did some kind of awkward hug thing and said goodbye, then the brothers turned and left. Once inside, Pepper tried to find out what was going on with me, but I didn’t want to talk about it, knowing she’d tell me I was worrying for nothing, that it wasn’t a big deal. As much as a part of me wanted to spill everything so she could do just that, the truth was it was a big deal, but there was no way for me to make her understand.
“I need to sleep,” I sighed then wandered into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of tequila and a shot glass before escaping upstairs. “I love you, Pep,” I assured her as she stared up at me from where she stood at the foot of the stairs, her arms folded over her chest. “Don’t wake me up in the morning, please.”
I didn’t wait for her to respond as I shut my bedroom door and curled up on my bed with the quotebook.
The next afternoon, I was sitting on my bed, looking through the quotebook when Pepper cracked open my door. Already dressed in her usual perfect attire with flawless hair and makeup, I was a sad comparison in my mismatched pajamas and disheveled hair. “Oh, you’re finally up,” she chirped as she set a plate with a turkey sandwich on my dresser.
“I never really went to sleep.”
Her brows lifted. “Oh, so the other seven hundred times I’ve opened the door to check on you, you were faking?”
I shot her an apologetic glance. “I told you I didn’t feel like talking.”
She frowned. “It’s close to four, Em. Aren’t you starving? You need to eat.” She handed me the plate and my stomach grumbled.
“Thank you. You’re too good to me.” I took a huge bite, then talking around the food in my mouth asked, “What are you so dressed up for?”
“Bailor called and invited us out.”
I rolled my eyes and stood. My best friend wanted to go out and have fun, but I couldn’t. Heading out to a bar, or any public place, would’ve been fabulous, but for me, there was no escape. “You go, Pep. I’m staying home tonight. I could use a little alone time.”
She inhaled deeply, and I could tell she wanted to protest but ultimately decided against it. “Then I’ll stay, too. In case you need me. I won’t bother you at all.”
“No,” I insisted. “Go have fun. You and Bailor are comical together.”
She shrugged nonchalantly, before inspecting her nail polish. “It’s just friendship. Nothing more.”
“Pfft. If you say so. Go,” I insisted.
Her dark eyes studied me for a moment. “Em, I know there’s a lot going on, but…are you okay? Did something happen with Cole last night?”
“I just have a lot I’m dealing with right now. It’s not a good time for me to be kicking up old flings.” I hoped it was enough to appease her, but even if it wasn’t, I didn’t give her a chance to argue. “Get out of here. Go do as young people do.”
She tossed me the bottle of sleeping pills from my dresser, “Please take one and get some sleep. This is a different prescription than the last one. They’re not as strong.”
I’d had bouts of insomnia throughout the years, and occasionally I’d resorted to medication, but I had a tendency to sleepwalk after taking them. Once, Pepper had found me curled up in the fetal position in front of the fridge, sound asleep and holding a jug of chocolate milk.
She shook her head when I began to protest. “Betty needs you to be at your best when she gets here, Em. Take a pill. Get some sleep.”
I swallowed the last bite of my sandwich, surprised I’d eaten it so quickly, as I inspected the bottle. Pepper was right. No matter what, I needed to get myself together before my mother arrived. I needed to be strong for her. I opened the bottle and popped one in my mouth before swallowing it down with the water on my nightstand.
“There. You happy?”
The corners of her mouth lifted slightly. I could tell she wanted to say more but just said, “I won’t be late.”
I let out an exhausted breath as the door closed. I’d tossed and turned all night, replaying my conversation with Joe, remembering how angry he’d been. Then, of course, I’d thought about Cole. After all this time, I still wanted him. And he was ready this time. He was finally at a place where he’d let go of the pain and torment of his past enough to realize he could have love. He could have happiness. It was everything I’d dreamed of years ago, but now there was this secret between us. If it were just me, I’d tell him the truth, but Joe was wrapped up in this mess too. I couldn’t be the one to create a huge rift between the brothers.
There wasn’t any other option. I’d made my choice all those years ago; there was no going back. I couldn’t risk the truth taking away any of the peace he’d found.
I glanced at the Quotebook lying open on the bed and my eye caught on the one in red. It was one Constance had chosen from Casablanca.
You’ll regret it. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.
“I already do,” I muttered to myself. Desperate to escape the suffocating anxiety through sleep, I grabbed the bottle of tequila I’d brought up the night before and took two swigs straight from the b
ottle.
It didn’t take long for me to drift off into darkness.
Pepper pulled up as I was taking out the trash, her features tightening as soon as she stepped out of the car and spotted me.
“Hey, Pepper,” I called out as I tossed the bag in the can. “How’s it going?”
She pushed some of her hair behind her ear. “Going good.”
“Emalee didn’t come with you? She okay?” I asked, not wasting time on small talk. Emalee had seemed off last night when we said our goodbyes and I had my suspicions as to why.
Joe.
Her demeanor had changed dramatically after she’d been alone with Joe. He must’ve said something to her, but I couldn’t begin to sort out what. They’d gotten along pretty well back in the day, but ever since she’d showed up at the HoBo, he’d gone out of his way to avoid her and had been flat-out rude when he couldn’t. It didn’t make any sense, but then again, it was Joe we were talking about. Who knew what stick he might have up his ass.
“She didn’t sleep well. I think she just wanted to catch up on some rest,” she surmised looking everywhere except at me. “Is Bailor in his loft?” she blurted.
“Yeah. I’ll see ya later.”
She gave me a weak smile before rushing toward the barn.
Determined to get a real explanation, I marched inside and found Joe in his room at the computer. As he’d aged, his eyesight had suffered, and now he had to wear glasses when he worked or read. If you covered up the tattoos, he could easily pass for a college professor with his salt and pepper hair and beard.
“Something happen with Emalee to make you want to be rude to her?”
His head reared back as he shifted his eyes from the computer to me. “Why would you think that?”
“Because at the bar, and here last night, you were off. I know you’re not the most sociable guy, Joe, but if memory serves correctly, you liked Emalee back in the day. You remember Emalee, don’t you? The girl that helped make our mother happy in her last days?”
He blinked a few times as he pulled off his glasses and rested them on the desk. “I don’t have anything against her. I just think she’s a part of the past that needs to stay in the past.”
I crossed my arms and studied him a moment. “Why?”
“Because…” he motioned at me with his hand “…you’re happy. I mean, happier than you were, and she’s a reminder of a bad time for you. For all of us. Plus, what makes you think she won’t leave again?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know what’s going to happen with Emalee, but that’s between her and me. I let her go once thinking it was the right thing to do, but now that she’s back, I’m not going to lose my chance to see if we can make a go. At the very least, I want her in my life as a friend.”
His face tightened as if he thought I was an idiot, but he didn’t argue with me. “Do what you want, Cole,” he mumbled as he fixed his eyes on the computer screen again. “You’re the one that will to have to deal with the hurt. Not me.”
He began typing, effectively dismissing me. I didn’t really buy what he was saying, but even if he was being honest, I didn’t want Joe scaring Emalee away. I needed to see her. To speak with her. I’d meant what I’d said to Joe—I wanted to be in her life, even if was just as a friend. Grabbing my keys, I hopped in the truck and took off.
When I cracked my eyes open, Pepper is peering down at me, a soft smile on her face. Her hair was tied up in a knot like she’d just crawled out of bed, still wearing her lacey pajama top with silk shorts.
I squinted as the harsh morning light seeped in through the window. “What time is it?”
“It’s around ten.”
My brain was hazy, but I managed to do the math. Damn. Did I really sleep for seventeen hours? Oddly, I didn’t feel like I’d slept that long. “What time did you get home last night?” I croaked, my throat still scratchy from sleep.
She glanced off to the side as if trying to remember. “I guess it was about one or so.”
I blinked still trying to get my eyes to work right. “Wow, those pills knocked me out. I didn’t even hear you come in.”
Her mouth lifted to one side as she smirked. “Yeah. That’s what I said to Cole when I got in.”
I shot up and winced as pain shot down my back. Only then did I realize I wasn’t in my bed, but on the floor by the fireplace in the living room. “How did—”
“Cole found you curled up asleep in the bathtub last night.”
“Cole was here?” I gawked at her.
“Yeah. And you were naked.”
My mouth dropped open. “What?”
“He’d wanted to talk to you, but when he got here there was a slew of reporters at the end of the driveway. Then he pulled up to the house and caught someone trying to look in the windows. The guy ran off, but when you didn’t answer the door, Cole was scared a stalker had tied you up inside, so he broke out the glass in the back door to get in.”
I widened my eyes in horror. “Oh my God,” I groaned.
Pepper’s smirk morphed into a devious grin, making my skin tingle with fear. It was the kind of grin that said but wait, there’s more. “Oh my dear sweet, Emalee,” she practically sang. She was enjoying this. “It gets better.”
I closed my eyes. I wasn’t sure it could get worse than Cole breaking into my house and finding me naked in the bathtub. “What happened?” I asked, bracing myself for the humiliating details.
“Well, he wrapped you in a towel and attempted to carry you to bed, but you stirred. He didn’t know you were medicated and sleep walking. You told him you wanted to make pancakes.”
As she spoke, blips of the night before flashed in my head, the same way they do after a night of heavy drinking. I glanced at my hands, taking in the flour caked under my fingernails and the white residue coating my hands and arms. The blood drained from my face as I hid it in my hands, the movement allowing the blanket that had been wrapped around me to drop as a new realization dawned. I’m still naked.
“Oh my God, Pepper,” I moaned in horror as I yanked the blanket back up and smothered my mouth to stifle the cry of shame I wanted to let out.
We can’t, Emalee. You’re not yourself. Cole’s words echoed in my head, each reverberation increasing my mortification.
“I made a move on him,” I said to her in a hushed voice. “Like, I was all over him.”
She looked away, feeling guilty for being amused. “Apparently, your subconscious is a horny little vixen that doesn’t want to take no for an answer,” she joked.
I grabbed the pillow behind me and hit her with it. “This isn’t funny.” I flopped my face in my hands again.
“It is,” she disagreed, “but the next part isn’t. Connie just called. They’ll be here in an hour.”
I widened my eyes. “Mama is on the way?”
“Yep,” she confirmed. “And this house needs a hoe bath, pronto.”
“A hoe bath?” My head jerked at the sound of Cole’s voice. He was sitting on the couch behind us. A barely tolerable heat creeped up my body and ravaged my face.
He heard everything we just said.
Pepper explained, “Yeah. Like when hookers are between customers and they don’t have time for a full-scale bath or shower, so they do the quick wash…you know, wet wash cloth to the hot spots.”
Cole’s brows knit together. “That was a very specific description.”
Pepper shrugged and focused on me again. “So you need to get your naked ass up and we need to clean the hot spots, specifically the kitchen. There’s pancake mix everywhere.”
Her words jarred loose a few more images of the night before.
“It’s snowing! Kiss me, Cole!” I yelled as I stood naked in the kitchen throwing pancake mix in the air like it was confetti.
Cole trying to drape a blanket over me as I danced around the kitchen belting out ‘Skin’ by Rhianna into a spatula like it was a microphone.
Me, lying on the floor making snow angels in pan
cake mix.
“I’ll work on the kitchen,” Cole volunteered as he stood.
I was absolutely mortified, but we needed all of the help we could get. “Let me get some clothes on and I’ll help.” I tugged the blanket around me, attempting to cover myself fully before moving to my knees.
“Cole and I will get started. You go shower,” Pepper instructed. “You no doubt have a butt crack full of pancake mix right now.”
My face had to be crimson. Cole pressed his lips together and rushed out the room, at least having the decency to try to hide the fact he wanted to laugh. I tossed the pillow at Pepper as she scurried away without even trying to hold her laughter in.
“Asshole!” I growled.
“I love you, too,” she called back as she giggled.
We’d cleaned the kitchen and bathroom and I’d made sure all bodily crevices were free of pancake mix, but Connie and my mother still hadn’t arrived.
“I’m going to go,” Cole said as he folded the dish towel he’d dried his hands on. Humiliation blanketed me, preventing me from looking him in the eyes.
“Cole…I took a sleeping pill last night then had a couple shots, which was stupid.” I dipped my head, frustrated with myself. “I guess I had a weird reaction. I’m so sorry you found me that way and that I…” I waved my hand in the air, fumbling for how to finish my sentence. That I danced naked in front of you. That I threw myself at you. That you had to babysit me when I was acting like a nut-job. Luckily, Cole took pity on me.
“It scared me when I initially found you in the tub,” he admitted. “But then you perked up, so I knew you were okay, just loopy.”
I scrunched up my face. “That’s a very delicate way to put it.”
“Hey,” he said. “Look at me. Please.”
It took me a moment, but I finally lifted my gaze to his.
“I’m not condoning mixing prescription meds and alcohol by any means, but you…” he shrugged “…you seemed more like the glowing girl I remember, always acting silly.” He smiled thoughtfully. “It was nice to see you…carefree again.”