The Space Between Heartbeats

by Melissa Pearl

  “You look . . .” I reach out to touch her, but pull away at the last minute. This is too weird. My hand drops to my side. “You look beautiful . . . the same as you were.”

  She shrugs and I take in her outfit: the pale pink T-shirt with the glittery hearts in the bottom left corner, her faded blue skinny jeans with the tear in the knee, those hot pink Converse with the sparkles on them. She used to wear those all the time.

  Jody bounces up on her tiptoes. “I thought it would be easier for you to see me this way.”

  I frown. “What do you normally look like?”

  Her familiar dimples jump into place. “You’ll see.”

  “So I go with you?” Hope is followed by swift despair. I look away from her even though I don’t want to let her out of my sight. Her assessing blue gaze cuts right through me. “We both know I don’t deserve to, Jo.”

  Jody’s voice is sweet and melodic when she chirps, “Why not?”

  “You know why.” The still air around me swirls with a cool iciness.

  Jody steps toward me, her expression stern. “Nicky, you need to understand this: It wasn’t your fault.”

  I shake my head. “I shouldn’t have locked you outside.”

  “I shouldn’t have climbed that tree.” Her wry expression belies wisdom far beyond her years.

  Tears burn my eyes. “I should have come when you called me.”

  “I should have done the right thing and left you alone. There were a million other things I could have been doing that day, but I intentionally chose to annoy you.”

  The defensive walls inside my chest crumble as I fight to win the argument. “I’m your older sister. It was my responsibility to take care of you.”

  “You never let me down, Nicky.” Jody’s voice is quiet and sure, leaving no room for objections. “I adored you every day of my life. You were the best older sister ever and I’m so sorry you’ve been suffering because of me.”

  “How can you be so forgiving?” I brush the tears off my cheeks.

  “That’s easy.” Her eyes light like a shimmering ocean. “I love you.”

  I hiccup back a sob. “I’ve missed you so much. Home’s not the same without you.”

  “I know and I miss you guys, too.” Her smile is sad and wistful.

  “I wish I could turn back time and change what happened.” I draw in a ragged breath and wrap my arms around myself.

  Jody tips her head. “Life doesn’t work that way. Besides, I’m happy. It’s so amazing up there.” She points in the direction she descended from. “Better than anything anyone could possibly imagine.”

  I look up at the beaming trail of light and feel the tug of curiosity.

  Jody holds out her hand. “You don’t have to be afraid. I’ll take care of you.”

  I smile and reach for her hand. A shout from below jolts me, and I glance down to see Dale leaning over my body, pumping my chest.

  “No, Nicole. Please. Come back!”

  I pull away from Jody, my heart splitting open at his cries.

  “He’s a really great guy,” Jody says quietly. “I like him better than your other boyfriends.”

  “He’s not my boyfriend,” I murmur, unable to tear my eyes away from him.

  “Well, he should be.”

  I turn back to my kid sister with a melancholy smile. “I guess he never can be now.”

  Jody raises her hands and steps away from me with a soft sigh. “If you went back, what would you do with your life?”

  “I don’t know.” The words sound so useless and pathetic.

  Jody’s expression turns as hard as granite. “You’ve been punishing yourself for my death . . . hanging out with people who don’t care about you and making stupid decisions.”

  I flush with guilt and tug at my miniskirt.

  “That would have to stop. Do you think you could do that?” Her voice is strong, sounding way older than her nine years.

  My breath falters and I gaze back at her with wide eyes. What would a new life be like? I’d have to ditch my heartless friends and find the courage to talk to Mom and Dad. Could I do it? Could I find a way to live without hiding behind a false facade?

  The idea is terrifying . . . yet somehow liberating.

  “Nicky? Do you think you could change?”

  Eventually, I nod. “Yeah, I think so.”

  Jody looks at me in earnest. “No, you have to promise. Promise me it will end. Promise me you’ll make a better effort.”

  “I promise.” And it’s the truth.

  She nods just once. “Then you have a choice.”

  My brows knit. “I do?”

  “Yeah. I’m allowed to give you a choice. I don’t really want to, though.” Her nose wrinkles and she looks to the ground below us. “Life down there is really hard and your road to recovery is going to be long and painful. It’d be great to have you up here with me. You’d be so happy. We could be together again.” She looks up, her big blue eyes shimmering with sadness. “But if you want to, you can return.”

  I study her for a long beat, knowing what she wants . . . then I look through the bubble back down to earth. Memories of my last few days flood my brain—Dale’s adorable smirk, Dad’s guilty tears, Mom’s silent sorrow.

  “If I stay with you, what will happen to everyone I leave behind?” I squeeze my arms, my voice thick with emotion.

  “I can’t see into the future.” Jody shrugs.

  I glance back at her and frown. “But you just said my road will be long and painful.”

  Her brows rise. “You’ve been hit by a car. Your body’s a mess. I’m just using common sense.”

  Unexpected laughter bursts out of me and I shake my head. “You always were smarter than me, Jo.”

  The weight of the decision is huge. I’ve hated my life for so long and now I have the perfect escape, but . . .

  “I really want to come with you.” I force a smile. “But I can’t do it to Mom and Dad.” I look down at Dale, who is still trying desperately to keep my body alive. “I can’t do it to him.”

  When I look back up, Jody is gazing at me with a resigned smile. “He told me you’d say that.”

  “Who?”

  She points up with an adoring smile. “The one who believes in you. Don’t worry, you’ll get to meet him one day, but for now just know that we’re both watching you.”

  Is she talking about God? My brain flashes with a quick I don’t believe in him, but it’s followed by a swift, are you sure about that?

  I shake my head. That’s a question for another day.

  Stepping forward, Jody rises to her tiptoes and wraps her arms around my neck. “I love you, Nicky.”

  Tears fill my eyes as I wrap my arms around my precious little sister, her pudgy sweetness so familiar. She even smells like she used to and it’s near intoxicating. I want to hold on to her forever.

  “I love you, too.” I hug back as hard as I can and try not to imagine what life would have been like had she not died.

  She gives me one final squeeze, then pulls away. “Remember your promise.”

  “I will.”

  Our parting smiles are filled with warmth and pure love. Jody turns away, but then swivels back and does a few quick dance moves we’d worked on as kids. A laugh escapes me, even as tears pour continuously from my eyes. With a toothy grin, Jody lifts her hand in another silent good-bye and starts to float away from me. I watch her ascend, my soul yearning for more of her time.

  Jody finally disappears and I’m once again shrouded in darkness.

  And then the bubbles pops and I’m falling.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  FRIDAY, 12:13 PM

  As I rush toward the earth, all the pain that had numbed while I was with Jody returns with full force. I know I’m back in my body when my arm starts to scr
eam, my knee throbs, and my head pounds. Air rushes back into my lungs and I cough.

  “Oh, thank you, God.” Dale touches his forehead to mine and whispers his gratitude again, placing a long, soft kiss between my eyebrows.

  I try to open my eyes and I manage a brief glimpse of his face before I close them shut again, in agony. Another cough makes my body spasm.

  “It hurts.” My words are slurred and barely audible.

  Dale brushes the hair back from my face. “I know, but help’s on the way. It’ll be over soon, okay? We’ll get you warm and safe. You’re gonna be fine.”

  His voice is trembling. He wants me to be fine—and I do, too—but he can’t really promise me that. Now that I’m really back in my body, I can feel the full extent of my injuries, and it’s not good. I shiver and Dale tucks his sweater more firmly around me. “I think you have hypothermia.”

  My throat feels like sandpaper. I lick at my bottom lip with my swollen tongue. Even that simple movement is an exhausting effort. I squint at Dale. He gives me a pained smile before turning to look up the embankment.

  “Come on, Adam. Hurry up!”

  Blackness begins to blur the edges of my vision. My heavy eyelids sink shut.

  “No, Nicky.” Dale shakes me gently, forcing my eyes back open. “Stay awake. You’re not allowed to sleep until the paramedics get here, you understand me?”

  “I can’t,” I whisper.

  “Yes, you can.” His tone is deep and emphatic, but it barely gets through the haze in my mind. I try to think of something that can distract me from the pain.

  “Where’s Jester?” I force the words out.

  “He’s at your feet.”

  “Keep talking,” I slur. “Tell me about the day you brought him home.”

  Dale sits back on his heels. “Well, it was a Sunday. My shoulder was still giving me a lot of trouble and I was hating physical therapy with a passion. Mom and I were battling it out daily and I was in a constantly foul mood, and then Dad walked in the door with this box. He placed it on the end of my bed and said, ‘Let’s see if this makes a difference.’ And then the box barked.” Dale chuckles at the memory. “It was love at first sight.” His voice has a soft gooey quality to it as he grins at his dog. I want to share in the joy, but then everything stops.

  Jester jumps up at my feet with a loud bark, followed by a low, threatening growl. His teeth are barred and his amber eyes narrow for the kill.

  I glance at Dale. His face is white, but his eyes are hard with rage, focused on a space just to my right. It hurts like hell, but I turn my neck just a bit so I can see what he’s looking at.

  The muzzle of a gun is bearing down on me. It comes into clear focus until my eyes shift up the arm that’s holding it. Adam looms above us, his face anguished.

  Jody, please tell me you didn’t just keep me alive so I could die five minutes later.

  “Step away from her, Finnigan.” Adam’s arm is shaking.

  Jester barks again and looks ready to lunge.

  Dale moves in front of me, blocking my view. “Back down, boy.”

  Jester growls menacingly.

  “Shut up! Shut your dog up or I’ll shoot it!” Adam’s voice breaks.

  “Calm down.” Dale slowly points at his dog. “Jester. Down.”

  Reluctantly, Jester lowers to the ground, but stays tensed, as if poised to attack.

  “Where’d you get the gun?”

  “Dad’s desk. I don’t know why I put it in my bag this morning. I just had a hunch that something bad was going to happen.”

  Dale rises from his spot, smooth and casual, the needles crunching beneath his feet. “It doesn’t have to, man.”

  “This is what Dad wants.”

  “For you to be a murderer?”

  “You don’t understand! This will ruin my life. There’s no other way.” Adam pauses and stares at us, indecision warring in his gaze. Then his shoulders slump, he closes his eyes, and then presses the gun against his temple.

  “Adam, no!” Dale lurches toward him, kicking up pine needles toward my mangled body. “You don’t have to do this.”

  Adam steps back from Dale, the gun still pressed tightly to his head. “I don’t have a choice.” His voice breaks; tears run down his face. “I can’t go to jail, man. I might as well end it now.”

  Dale raises his hands slowly. “You do have a choice. Taking your life will not solve anything. It’ll destroy your family and your friends. You don’t want to do that, do you?”

  Dale inches a little closer to Adam. His movement knocks a pinecone and it rolls down the hill. Adam’s body jolts and he screams, “Stop moving!”

  Dale freezes, lifting his hands a little higher. “I know you, Adam . . . and you don’t want to end it right now. You want to be the hero. Trust me on this.”

  “I’m not a hero,” Adam whimpers.

  “But you can be.” Dale maintains a soothing, calm voice and takes one more step forward. “Your Dad is asking too much. If he turns up now and finds you dead, what do you think he’s going to do to us? We need you. We need your help.”

  Adam chokes on a sob. “But if I go to jail for this, it’ll kill him. I can’t let him down. I have to make him proud.”

  Dale pauses, contemplating, and I know what I have to say. It takes a second to croak the words out of my dry throat. “No one has to know, Adam.”

  Dale and Adam both turn toward me, confusion painted across their faces. But Dale quickly catches on. “Right, no one has to know about any of this. We can sell it anyway we like. You could be the hero that found Nicole Tepper and saved her life.”

  Though I want justice, I also understand the need for mercy in this moment. “I never saw the car that hit me,” I say softly.

  Adam is stunted by our plan, his blue eyes filled with disbelief. But finally after a few agonizing beats, he shakily lowers the gun.

  Dale jerks toward him and rips the gun out of Adam’s hand, disarming him in the blink of an eye. Moving with precision, Dale unloads the weapon and throws the bullets deep into the forest.

  Adam’s knees give way and he slumps to the forest floor, resting his head in his hands. His large body shakes as he cries, and though part of me truly hates him for what he’s done, I can’t help but pity him, too. My relationship with my own parents hasn’t been great, but Adam’s so unsure of his father’s love that he’s willing to take his own life.

  Dale bends over, drawing in ragged breaths. I want to reach for him and tug him back to my side, but I’m too weak to move. Sleep pulls at me again, the blissful oblivion beckoning me.

  Adam reaches into his pocket and wrestles out his phone. Three distinct beeps sound and he lifts it to his ear. “Yeah, hi, this is Adam Hutton. I need an ambulance on Mill Creek Road. We’ve found an injured sixteen-year-old girl suffering from hypothermia. She needs help right away.”

  Dale finally moves back to my side. The dried leaves and needles crackle beneath his weight as he kneels down. He brushes my bangs back and tucks stray locks behind my ear. It’s exactly what he had promised my ghost form he’d do if he could touch me. The thought brings warmth to my frozen cheeks.

  “How come his phone gets reception?” Dale asks with a confused frown.

  “Because his phone kicks your crappy phone’s butt,” I croak.

  He shoots me a smile that doesn’t meet his eyes. However I look, it can’t be good. “Can you hang in there a little longer?”

  I wrap my fingers around his. “Just don’t let go and I’ll be fine.”

  Dale keeps my hand in his and tells me about training Jester. His humorous stories are peppered with his classic sarcastic quips. I fade in and out as I listen, but he keeps calling me home. Every time I come to, I hear Adam pacing a few feet away, and then Jester’s low growl when he gets too close. Eventually, the distant sound of sirens dr
aws closer and closer.

  Adam spins and rushes up the hill. There’s a flurry of voices as people descend. Dale moves out of the way as the paramedics take over. I try to keep my eyes on him, but it eventually gets too hard. Things become a blur as I’m strapped onto a stretcher and hauled up the hill and over the guardrail.

  A police car screeches to a stop beside the ambulance. The sheriff jumps out of the squad car, brushes past the paramedics, and clamps an iron hand around Dale’s arm.

  “You’ve got some major explaining to do, Houdini.”

  Dale doesn’t complain as the sheriff marches him to the car and slams him against it.

  My insides surge with panic and I struggle against the straps.

  “Hey, calm down. It’s okay.” A paramedic places a gentle hand on my shoulder, forcing me to lie back down.

  I try to lift my head to see Dale, but all I glimpse is a mop of curls being pushed into the back of a police car.

  Closing my eyes, I can no longer fight the tears as the sirens wail and I’m driven away from the guy who saved my life.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  TUESDAY, 8:04 AM

  Everything is black again. Memories and dreams have been pounding my brain like surging waves. Bright circles of light, Jody’s precious face, Dale’s smirk, my mother crying, the sterile smell of a hospital, rushed words, urgent shouts, my fist flying straight through Trent’s shoulder, Dale’s hand in mine.

  Soft skin registers against my palm and I squeeze my fingers. The hand inside mine responds with a gentle squeeze back.

  “Nicky? Are you awake, honey?” I recognize Mom’s voice straight away.

  My eyes crack open and the room slowly comes into focus. A muted yellow glow highlights the bland walls and stark white ceiling. My gaze travels the narrow, rectangular room, taking in the cool, sterile environment until it lands on my mother. Her blue eyes are shining down at me, relief making her smile bright and contagious.

  “Hey.” Her voice is soft and she tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “Good morning.”

  “What time is it?” I croak, and look around me.