Alpha

by D. M. Turner

  So much for hoping an all-night run would enable him to sleep the next day. Despite weariness, he couldn’t sleep. He lowered his face into both hands and sighed. If he could sleep, he could escape the darkness.

  Murderer....

  “Go away,” he muttered.

  “No.”

  He startled and sat upright, casting a look over his shoulder. Alison. He should’ve known she’d show up.

  “You missed breakfast again.”

  “I’m not hungry.” Not entirely a lie. His stomach hadn’t growled for food since the morning before. He should eat. His body needed food, but he had no appetite.

  She cocked her head, blue eyes quizzical. “You want to die.”

  “No, I don’t.” He faced forward again, letting his gaze wander out the window.

  “I think you do.” She rounded the bed and sat next to him. “Otherwise, you’d eat.”

  “I’ll eat when the moon passes. A few days without won’t hurt me.”

  “You’ve already lost weight.” Her hand lightly touched his bare back.

  He suppressed a shiver of desire. Focus on something else before she realizes you’re aroused. He got to his feet and put distance between them. Arms crossed over his chest, he kept his gaze firmly fixed on the meadow behind the house. If he looked at her, he was doomed. “I’ll be fine. You should go. I doubt your father wants you in here.”

  She sighed then got up and closed the distance. Arms folded over her chest, she scowled up at him. He towered over her barely five-and-a-half-feet.

  That knowledge filled him with a sense of power, and the need to protect someone far more vulnerable. He was hard pressed not to turn toward her. Keeping her in his peripheral vision was tempting enough. He didn’t need to face her.

  “One of these days, you and Daddy will accept the fact I’m no longer a child to be ordered about.”

  Ian snorted, amused despite himself. “Please. Like you’ve ever followed orders anyway.”

  “I didn’t say I followed them.” Her head cocked. “I was merely pointing out that both of you like to issue them, and I’m tired of it.”

  “That’s life in a pack. You know that. After all, you were born into it.” He shifted away from her a half-foot under the guise of changing position. “Unless you’re the alpha, there’s always someone above you to obey.”

  “Yes, well, you’ve made it clear that I’m above you. I don’t have to obey you.” Her dark tone challenged him.

  He snapped his gaze to hers. “You are not above me.”

  “Sure I am. You barely look me in the eye most of the time. Only submissives avoid eye contact as you do with me.” She raised her chin a notch, blue eyes lit with electricity.

  “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” He growled and turned to face her.

  “Of course I do. As you said, I was born into the pack. I know how this works. I know all there is to know about wolf body language and eye contact.” A smug smile curved her lips. “And yours, when I’m around, says I’m dominant over you.”

  He laughed. “You wish.” His smile faded, and he shook his head. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, or who you’re dealing with.”

  “I’ve studied you since you joined the pack. I know perfectly well who I’m dealing with.” Her gaze remained steady on his. “Do you?”

  Anger rolled through him, pushing shadows further away. He clung to it, preferring it to the alternative lingering in the darkness. He glared down at her.

  “Glare at me all you want. It doesn’t change the facts.” Her smile grew. “I’m not a child to be bullied and intimidated. That didn’t work on me when I was a child. It certainly won’t work now that I’m an adult.”

  “You’re not as grown up as you think.” Ian shook his head. “You know nothing of real life. Nothing of the things men do, that life pushes them into.” He blinked rapidly and straightened away from her, horrified to hear tears in his voice even as they blurred his vision. “I’m not a good man, Alison. You should accept that and keep your distance.”

  “I don’t know what you’ve done, or think you’ve done, but I know you, Ian Campbell.” Alison took a step closer. Her chin almost touched his chest as she gazed up at him. “You are a good man, whether you choose to see yourself as such or not.”

  How very desperately he wanted to see himself through her eyes....

  Her scent wrapped around him, filled him. His gut tightened as desire tore through his insides. He closed his eyes and tried to suppress it, but it had broken free of its leash and was unwilling to be restrained again. When he opened his eyes, Alison’s gaze remained on him, awareness and desire darkening bright blue eyes.

  Before Ian could second-guess his actions or stop himself, he swooped down and captured her mouth with his.

  There was no hesitation in her response as she boldly kissed him back. She rose up on her toes and wrapped both arms around his neck.

  He leaned down to wrap his arms around her hips and pull her more tightly against him. Not good enough. He lowered them to the bed and shifted into a more comfortable position so he wasn’t straining his neck.

  When he broke free to nip and nibble the side of her neck, she panted, her hands tugging at his shoulders, fingernails digging into firm flesh. He ran a hand down her side and shifted her hips into position underneath his then growled deep. “Is this what you want?”

  “Yes,” she whispered on a gasping breath. One of her legs wrapped around one of his thighs.

  Groaning, Ian lowered his head again, allowing his forehead to rest against her temple as he gasped for breath and grasped at reason. They couldn’t do this. He’d messed up before, bedding a woman outside the boundaries of marriage. He couldn’t do it again. Alison deserved better. Better than a quick roll with a man who wasn’t her husband. Better than him.

  Braced against his body’s demands and protests, he pushed away and got to his feet.

  Alison’s soft whimper nearly undermined every ounce of resolve he owned.

  He turned away to keep himself from going back and taking what he wanted most.

  “Ian?”

  Don’t look at her. “You need to go.”

  “No.”

  “Just. Go.”

  “No.”

  He pivoted on his heel to face her. “Why are you doing this?”

  She cocked her head, slowly slipped to the edge of the bed, got to her feet, and closed the distance between them. “I should think that’d be obvious to even the most obtuse of men.”

  He frowned.

  “I know what I want, and I intend to have it.” Her direct gaze left him with no doubt of her determination. “You just need to get used to the idea. That’s all.”

  The war inside Ian left devastation in its wake as surely as the Civil War had scarred the land. He wanted her with everything he was, but she deserved better. Someone untainted by the stain of blood he carried. Reality sank claws into his heart and left it shredded. He had to convince her to walk away.

  A throat cleared, making them both jump.

  He found it only marginally reassuring that she’d been caught off-guard as much as he had. He glanced toward the open door and suppressed a groan. If someone had walked in minutes sooner....

  Brett smiled, looking both amused and self-conscious. “Am I interrupting something?”

  “Yes!”

  “No!” Ian glared at her.

  Alison glared back without flinching. “I’m trying to break through the hard head of this coward.”

  His nostrils flared. “I’m no coward.”

  She snorted in a very unladylike manner and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right. Whatever you say.” Shaking her head, she glanced at Brett. “I pray you have better luck than I have.” With a last scowl, she headed for the door.

  Brett stepped to one side to let her pass.

  At the last moment, she turned with a haughty look at Ian. “We’re not through with our discussion, incidentally.”

&
nbsp; “Yes, we are.”

  A grin blossomed on her face. “Keep telling yourself that.” She whipped around, long hair flowing behind her like a cloak, and left the room.

  Brett’s lips pinched flat, but the humor dancing in his eyes said it all.

  “Don’t say a word.” Ian turned to stare out the window.

  “All I’m going to say is I’m so glad it’s you and not me she has her sights set on.” Brett slapped him on the shoulder.

  “Gee, thanks, pal.” He shot his friend a sideways frown. “I really appreciate your support.”

  “Anytime.” A grin emerged, then Brett chuckled. “That’s one determined she-wolf. She’s quite the fireball when she gets riled, isn’t she?”

  Riled or aroused. Ian swallowed. Don’t think about that!

  Silence filled the room long enough that Ian glanced at his friend.

  Brett studied him with frightening intensity. “You want her as much as she wants you, so what’s the issue?”

  “After everything that’s happened, how can you honestly ask me that?” He scowled. “You know better than anyone the things I’ve done.”

  His friend sighed. “Give me a break. How long do you intend to wallow in guilt over that? It was almost forty years ago. If God hasn’t forgiven you after so much time, especially in light of your exemplary behavior since then, there’s no hope of redemption for me.”

  Ian stilled. “I wasn’t aware you wanted redemption.”

  “Who doesn’t?” Brett shrugged. “But if almost forty years of repentance and you being on your best behavior can’t garner God’s forgiveness, what hope is there for me?”

  “It’s not God’s forgiveness I need. It’s mine.” He lowered his head. “God forgave me long ago. I know that. It’s me who can’t let it go.” Tears burned his eyes.

  His friend pinned him with a scowl. “You’re an idiot.”

  “What?” Ian flinched. The man had been direct with him in the past, but never quite so... brutal.

  “God has supposedly given you a clean slate. A fresh plate. A new life. Whatever you want to call it. And here you are all these years later, still dragging out the garbage and dirtying up what He’s given you. What kind of sense does that make?” He shook his head. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe Alison does deserve better. She deserves someone who’ll see the value of what’s right in front of him instead of living in a past that can’t be undone.”

  Ian scowled. Before he could think of a response, Brett left the room.

  It wasn’t often he was put in his place by someone lower in the pack than him, but... wow. So much for expecting aid from that quarter.

  Maybe he should take Brady up on his offer to talk. If the alpha knew the truth, the things that Ian had done, he wouldn’t want him in the pack, much less to marry his daughter. It would simplify life for everyone if he could at least talk Alison into choosing someone else as her mate.

  His hackles rose. He’d have to leave. He couldn’t take Alison as his mate, but there was no way he could stay and see her mated to someone else. A growl rose.

  “Enough!” He gritted his teeth and went searching for Brady. It didn’t take long to locate the man, since he was in his home office on the phone. He lingered outside the door to wait for him to hang up the phone, fighting the urge to pace. Then he tapped on the doorframe.

  Brady smiled. “Ian, come on in.”

  “Do you have a few minutes that we could talk?”

  “Certainly. Have a seat.” He motioned toward one of the chairs across his desk. Then he got up and came around to sit in the other one, leaving only a narrow open space between them. He’d told Ian once that he didn’t like having barriers between him and the members of the pack. It felt too impersonal.

  Ian dropped into the chair and slouched.

  Brady sniffed. “I sense you’ve had another run-in with my daughter. More up-close and personal this time. You’ve got her scent on you.” A speculative gleam lit blue eyes very much like Alison’s.

  Heat flashed up his neck. If the alpha only knew just how up-close.... “Uh, yeah. We had an argument.”

  “She does have a temper, doesn’t she?” The man chuckled.

  He dropped his gaze to the floor. “She called me a coward.”

  “I see, and that upset you.”

  “Of course.” He scowled without meeting Brady’s gaze. “Wouldn’t you be perturbed if someone called you a coward?”

  “Probably. Especially if I agreed with them.”

  He flinched and met the man’s gaze.

  “You do, don’t you? You agree with her.” Brady cocked his head and scrutinized Ian.

  “No.”

  A brow rose.

  “At least, not entirely.” He looked away and sighed. “There are things she doesn’t know that would change the way she looks at me. She deserves someone younger, more... idealistic. Less experienced in life. She’s eighteen years old with no clue how life works. Do you have any idea how long it’s been since that was me? I’ve seen three wars and too much death. I’ve done things I can’t take back, shed too much blood.” He shuddered as images flashed through his mind.

  Murderer....

  “What haunts you, Ian? Why does the dark moon drive you to your knees and into hiding?”

  Ian stared at the floor and ran fingers through his beard. “I should’ve told you the truth a long time ago, before Brett and I became part of the pack.”

  “Does Brett know this... truth of yours?”

  “Yes. He was there when it happened. All of it. He pulled me back from the brink of destruction.” He took a deep breath and caught Alison’s scent. Stronger than what he’d carried into the office. Fine. If she lurked outside the door to eavesdrop, she could hear what he told her father. Perhaps then she’d realize the futility of hounding him. He slowly released a sigh. “Brett and I went to Dresden, Germany in October 1944 after Allied forces bombed the railroads there. We went in as foreign correspondents, to report on the condition of things there. That wasn’t our real purpose though. It was just a cover.” He glanced at his alpha out of the corner of his eye.

  Brady nodded, his gaze narrow and intent. “Go on.”

  “We were sent to evaluate the city, determine what threats might be there, if there were any strategic targets, things of that nature. Not long after we arrived, I met a woman named Marie.” He envisioned her face and smiled, then frowned. “Marie Schreiber was a nurse and a member of the German Resistance. We began coordinating our efforts and information, and I worked alongside Marie to help refugees coming through Dresden to escape war-torn areas.”

  He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, hands dangling, and lowered his head. “Marie and I became lovers.” He pretended not to hear a faint gasp from the next room. The sense of wrongness he’d struggled with even then settled over him again. He pushed it away so he could continue his tale. “On February twelfth of 1945, I asked her to marry me. I planned to bring her back to the States as my wife. She said yes, and then she told me she was pregnant.”

  Tears shoved a knot in his throat. He swallowed hard and blinked them away. “The next afternoon, I met Brett outside the Kreuzkirche.” He shook his head then glanced at Brady. “Sorry, that’s the German name. It translates as Church of the Cross.”

  The alpha smiled and nodded.

  “Anyway, Brett was late. When he showed up, he was almost at a run with this look on his face.... He said that Hans, the leader of the Resistance, had gotten word to him that the Nazis had uncovered the names of some of the Resistance members. They were killing them as they could find them.” He reached back to rub the back of his neck. “My first thought was for Marie, and I ran to find her. All I could think of was getting her out of Dresden, taking her to safety. Protecting her and our child.”

  Tears started, and no amount of blinking or willpower would stop them. “We were too late. She’d been beaten and raped, and then they’d put a bullet in her head. There was nothing I could do.”

&
nbsp; “I’m so sorry, Ian.” Brady laid a hand on his arm.

  He didn’t deserve comfort. “That’s when it all started.”

  “What did?”

  “I resolved to hunt down the men who had hurt and killed her. Every last one of them.” He rotated his shoulders, trying to shrug off remembered rage and bloodlust. “I tracked them through the city.”

  “Did you find them?”

  “All six of them. Plus some,” he added the last darkly. “By the time I stopped, thirteen Nazi soldiers were dead.”

  “What stopped you? Brett?”

  “No. The air raid sirens went off. That was the first night Allied forces heavily bombed the city. I found out later that was the other piece of information Brett had gotten. He’d reached our military contact and was told for us to get out immediately. Bombs started dropping all around me. I made it to the river. I was badly burned, but nothing irrecoverable. When I got out of the river, I made my way back to Marie’s apartment, but it was gone. Completely obliterated by the bombing. That’s when Brett found me and said we needed to get out, that there would probably be more bombs. We left, headed west toward Allied forces.”

  He took a deep breath. “I stayed in wolf form for several days. While we traveled, we’d occasionally run across a Nazi camp. Over the course of a week, I think—Brett would know better than me—I killed probably a hundred Nazi soldiers. I made sure every single one of them was dead. I wasn’t taking any chances on Turning one of them. You can’t give evil more power.”

  “No, you can’t.” Brady frowned. “It was war, Ian. They were the enemy. That’s all.”

  “You don’t understand. You—” How did he explain it so someone else would truly grasp it? “You don’t know what was in my head, driving me. I wasn’t seeing enemy soldiers in a war zone. Not after Marie died.” He gritted his teeth to keep from crying. “I saw... prey. Their fear gave me pleasure. I reveled in their screams and pain. Their blood fed the beast and made it want more. If Brett hadn’t interceded, I would’ve gone on killing until someone shot me dead, and I would’ve enjoyed every second of it. When Brett stopped me, I almost killed him before it even registered who he was.”