This Side of Paradise (Barnes & Noble Classics Series)

by F. Scott Fitzgerald

  Together with Tom D’Invilliers, he sought among the lights of Princeton for some one who might found the Great American Poetic Tradition.

  The undergraduate body itself was rather more interesting that year than had been the entirely Philistine Princeton of two years before. Things had livened surprisingly, though at the sacrifice of much of the spontaneous charm of freshman year. In the old Princeton they would never have discovered Tanaduke Wylie. Tanaduke was a sophomore, with tremendous ears and a way of saying, “The earth swirls down through the ominous moons of preconsidered generations!” that made them vaguely wonder why it did not sound quite clear, but never question that it was the utterance of a super-soul. At least so Tom and Amory took him. They told him in all earnestness that he had a mind like Shelley’s, and featured his ultra-free free verse and prose poetry in the Nassau Literary Magazine. But Tanaduke’s genius absorbed the many colors of the age, and he took to the Bohemian life, to their great disappointment. He talked of Greenwich Village now instead of “noon-swirled moons,” and met winter muses, unacademic, and cloistered by Forty-second Street and Broadway, instead of the Shelleyan dream-children with whom he had regaled their expectant appreciation. So they surrendered Tanaduke to the futurists, deciding that he and his flaming ties would do better there. Tom gave him the final advice that he should stop writing for two years and read the complete works of Alexander Pope four times, but on Amory’s suggestion that Pope for Tanaduke was like foot-ease for stomach trouble, they withdrew in laughter, and called it a coin’s toss whether this genius was too big or too petty for them.

  Amory rather scornfully avoided the popular professors who dispensed easy epigrams and thimblefuls of Chartreuse to groups of admirers every night. He was disappointed, too, at the air of general uncertainty on every subject that seemed linked with the pedantic temperament; his opinions took shape in a miniature satire called “In a Lecture-Room,” which he persuaded Tom to print in the Nassau Lit.

  “Good-morning, Fool ...

  Three times a week

  You hold us helpless while you speak,

  Teasing our thirsty souls with the

  Sleek ‘yeas’ of your philosophy...

  Well, here we are, your hundred sheep,

  Tune up, play on, pour forth... we sleep ...

  You are a student, so they say;

  You hammered out the other day

  A syllabus, from what we know

  Of some forgotten folio;

  You’d sniffled through an era’s must,

  Filling your nostrils up with dust,

  And then, arising from your knees,

  Published, in one gigantic sneeze...

  But here’s a neighbor on my right,

  An Eager Ass, considered bright;

  Asker of questions.... How he’ll stand,

  With earnest air and fidgy hand,

  After this hour, telling you

  He sat all night and burrowed through

  Your book.... Oh, you’ll be coy and he

  Will simulate precocity,

  And pedants both, you’ll smile and smirk,

  And leer, and hasten back to work....

  ‘Twas this day week, sir, you returned

  A theme of mine, from which I learned

  (Through various comment on the side

  Which you had scrawled) that I defied

  The highest rules of criticism

  For cheap and careless witticism....

  Are you quite sure that this could be?’

  And

  ‘Shaw is no authority!’

  But Eager Ass, with what he’s sent,

  Plays havoc with your best per cent.

  Still—still I meet you here and there ...

  When Shakespeare’s played you hold a chair,

  And some defunct, moth-eaten star

  Enchants the mental prig you are ...

  A radical comes down and shocks

  The atheistic orthodox?—

  You’re representing Common Sense,

  Mouth open, in the audience.

  And, sometimes, even chapel lures

  That conscious tolerance of yours,

  That broad and beaming view of truth

  (Including Kant and General Booth ...)

  And so from shock to shock you live,

  A hollow, affirmative...

  The hour’s up ... and roused from rest

  One hundred children of the blest

  Cheat you a word or two with feet

  That down the noisy aisle-ways beat...

  Forget on narrow-minded earth

  The Mighty Yawn that gave you birth.”

  In April, Kerry Holiday left college and sailed for France to en-roll in the Lafayette Esquadrille. Amory’s envy and admiration of this step was drowned in an experience of his own to which he never succeeded in giving an appropriate value, but which, nevertheless, haunted him for three years afterward.

  The Devil

  Healy’s they left at twelve and taxied to Bistolary’s. There were Axia Marlowe and Phœbe Column, from the Summer Garden show, Fred Sloane and Amory. The evening was so very young that they felt ridiculous with surplus energy, and burst into the café like Dionysian revellers.

  “Table for four in the middle of the floor,” yelled Phoebe. “Hurry, old dear, tell ’em we’re here!”

  “Tell ’em to play ‘Admiration’!” shouted Sloane. “You two order; Phœbe and I are going to shake a wicked calf,” and they sailed off in the muddled crowd. Axia and Amory, acquaintances of an hour, jostled behind a waiter to a table at a point of vantage; there they took seats and watched.

  “There’s Findle Margotson, from New Haven!” she cried above the uproar. “ ’Lo, Findle! Whoo-ee!”

  “Oh, Axia!” he shouted in salutation. “C’mon over to our table.”

  “No!” Amory whispered.

  “Can’t do it, Findle; I’m with somebody else! Call me up tomorrow about one o’clock!”

  Findle, a nondescript man-about-Bisty’s, answered incoherently and turned back to the brilliant blonde whom he was endeavoring to steer around the room.

  “There’s a natural damn fool,” commented Amory.

  “Oh, he’s all right. Here’s the old jitney waiter.v If you ask me, I want a double Daiquiri.”

  “Make it four.”

  The crowd whirled and changed and shifted. They were mostly from the colleges, with a scattering of the male refuse of Broadway and women of two types, the higher of which was the chorus girl. On the whole it was a typical crowd, and their party as typical as any. About three-fourths of the whole business was for effect and therefore harmless, ended at the door of the café, soon enough for the five-o’clock train back to Yale or Princeton; about one-fourth continued on into the dimmer hours and gathered strange dust from strange places. Their party was scheduled to be one of the harmless kind. Fred Sloane and Phoebe Column were old friends; Axia and Amory new ones. But strange things are prepared even in the dead of night, and the unusual, which lurks least in the café, home of the prosaic and inevitable, was preparing to spoil for him the waning romance of Broadway. The way it took was so inexpressibly terrible, so unbelievable, that afterward he never thought of it as experience; but it was a scene from a misty tragedy, played far behind the veil, and that it meant something definite he knew.

  About one o‘clock they moved to Maxim’s, and two found them in Deviniere’s. Sloane had been drinking consecutively and was in a state of unsteady exhilaration, but Amory was quite tiresomely sober; they had run across none of those ancient, corrupt buyers of champagne who usually assisted their New York parties.

  They were just through dancing and were making their way back to their chairs when Amory became aware that some one at a nearby table was looking at him. He turned and glanced casually... a middle-aged man dressed in a brown sack suit, it was, sitting a littleapart at a table by himself and watching their party intently. At Amory’s glance he smiled faintly. Amory turned to Fred,
who was just sitting down.

  “Who’s that pale fool watching us?” he complained indignantly.

  “Where?” cried Sloane. “We’ll have him thrown out!” He rose to his feet and swayed back and forth, clinging to his chair. “Where is he?”

  Axia and Phœbe suddenly leaned and whispered to each other across the table, and before Amory realized it they found themselves on their way to the door.

  “Where now?”

  “Up to the flat,” suggested Phœbe. “We’ve got brandy and fizz—and everything’s slow down here to-night.”

  Amory considered quickly. He hadn’t been drinking, and decided that if he took no more, it would be reasonably discreet for him to trot along in the party. In fact, it would be, perhaps, the thing to do in order to keep an eye on Sloane, who was not in a state to do his own thinking. So he took Axia’s arm and, piling intimately into a taxicab, they drove out over the hundreds and drew up at a tall, white-stone apartment-house.... Never would he forget that street.... It was a broad street, lined on both sides with just such tall, white-stone buildings, dotted with dark windows; they stretched along as far as the eye could see, flooded with a bright moonlight that gave them a calcium pallor. He imagined each one to have an elevator and a colored hall-boy and a key-rack; each one to be eight stories high and full of three and four room suites. He was rather glad to walk into the cheeriness of Phœbe’s living-room and sink onto a sofa, while the girls went rummaging for food.

  “Phœbe’s great stuff,” confided Sloane, sotto voce.

  “I’m only going to stay half an hour,” Amory said sternly. He wondered if it sounded priggish.

  “Hell y’ say,” protested Sloane. “We’re here now—don’t le’s rush.”

  “I don’t like this place,” Amory said sulkily, “and I don’t want any food.”

  Phœbe reappeared with sandwiches, brandy bottle, siphon, and four glasses.

  “Amory, pour ’em out,” she said, “and we’ll drink to Fred Sloane, who has a rare, distinguished edge.”

  “Yes,” said Axia, coming in, “and Amory. I like Amory.” She sat down beside him and laid her yellow head on his shoulder.

  “I’ll pour,” said Sloane; “you use siphon, Phœbe.”

  They filled the tray with glasses.

  “Ready, here she goes!”

  Amory hesitated, glass in hand.

  There was a minute while temptation crept over him like a warm wind, and his imagination turned to fire, and he took the glass from Phoebe’s hand. That was all; for at the second that his decision came, he looked up and saw, ten yards from him, the man who had been in the café, and with his jump of astonishment the glass fell from his uplifted hand. There the man half sat, half leaned against a pile of pillows on the corner divan. His face was cast in the same yellow wax as in the café, neither the dull, pasty color of a dead man—rather a sort of virile pallor—nor unhealthy, you’d have called it; but like a strong man who’d worked in a mine or done night shifts in a damp climate. Amory looked him over carefully and later he could have drawn him after a fashion, down to the merest details. His mouth was the kind that is called frank, and he had steady gray eyes that moved slowly from one to the other of their group, with just the shade of a questioning expression. Amory noticed his hands; they weren’t fine at all, but they had versatility and a tenuous strength ... they were nervous hands that sat lightly along the cushions and moved constantly with little jerky openings and closings. Then, suddenly, Amory perceived the feet, and with a rush of blood to the head he realized he was afraid. The feet were all wrong ... with a sort of wrongness that he felt rather than knew.... It was like weakness in a good woman, or blood on satin; one of those terrible incongruities that shake little things in the back of the brain. He wore no shoes, but, instead, a sort of half moccasin, pointed, though, like the shoes they wore in the fourteenth century, and with the little ends curling up. They were a darkish brown and his toes seemed to fill them to the end.... They were unutterably terrible....

  He must have said something, or looked something, for Axia’s voice came out of the void with a strange goodness.

  “Well, look at Amory! Poor old Amory’s sick—old head going ’round?”

  “Look at that man!” cried Amory, pointing toward the corner divan.

  “You mean that purple zebra!” shrieked Axia facetiously. “Oooee! Amory’s got a purple zebra watching him!”

  Sloane laughed vacantly.

  “Ole zebra gotcha, Amory?”

  There was a silence.... The man regarded Amory quizzically.... Then the human voices fell faintly on his ear:

  “Thought you weren’t drinking,” remarked Axia sardonically, but her voice was good to hear; the whole divan that held the man was alive; alive like heat waves over asphalt, like wriggling worms....

  “Come back! Come back!” Axia’s arm fell on his. “Amory, dear, you aren’t going, Amory!” He was half-way to the door.

  “Come on, Amory, stick ’th us!”

  “Sick, are you?”

  “Sit down a second!”

  “Take some water.”

  “Take a little brandy....”

  The elevator was close, and the colored boy was half asleep, paled to a livid bronze... Axia’s beseeching voice floated down the shaft. Those feet ... those feet...

  As they settled to the lower floor the feet came into view in the sickly electric light of the paved hall.

  In the Alley

  Down the long street came the moon, and Amory turned his back on it and walked. Ten, fifteen steps away sounded the footsteps. They were like a slow dripping, with just the slightest insistence in their fall. Amory’s shadow lay, perhaps, ten feet ahead of him, and soft shoes was presumably that far behind. With the instinct of a child Amory edged in under the blue darkness of the white buildings, cleaving the moonlight for haggard seconds, once bursting into a slow run with clumsy stumblings. After that he stopped suddenly; he must keep hold, he thought. His lips were dry and he licked them.

  If he met any one good—were there any good people left in the world or did they all live in white apartment-houses now? Was every one followed in the moonlight? But if he met some one good who’d know what he meant and hear this damned scuffle ... then the scuffling grew suddenly nearer, and a black cloud settled over the moon. When again the pale sheen skimmed the cornices, it was almost beside him, and Amory thought he heard a quiet breathing. Suddenly he realized that the footsteps were not behind, had never been behind, they were ahead and he was not eluding but following ... following. He began to run, blindly, his heart knocking heavily, his hands clinched. Far ahead a black dot showed itself, resolved slowly into a human shape. But Amory was beyond that now; he turned off the street and darted into an alley, narrow and dark and smelling of old rottenness. He twisted down a long, sinuous blackness, where the moonlight was shut away except for tiny glints and patches... then suddenly sank panting into a corner by a fence, exhausted. The steps ahead stopped, and he could hear them shift slightly with a continuous motion, like waves around a dock.

  He put his face in his hands and covered eyes and ears as well as he could. During all this time it never occurred to him that he was delirious or drunk. He had a sense of reality such as material things could never give him. His intellectual content seemed to submit passively to it, and it fitted like a glove everything that had ever preceded it in his life. It did not muddle him. It was like a problem whose answer he knew on paper, yet whose solution he was unable to grasp. He was far beyond horror. He had sunk through the thin surface of that, now moved in a region where the feet and the fear of white walls were real, living things, things he must accept. Only far inside his soul a little fire leaped and cried that something was pulling him down, trying to get him inside a door and slam it behind him. After that door was slammed there would be only footfalls and white buildings in the moonlight, and perhaps he would be one of the footfalls.

  During the five or ten minutes he waited in the shado
w of the fence, there was somehow this fire... that was as near as he could name it afterward. He remembered calling aloud:

  “I want some one stupid. Oh, send some one stupid!” This to the black fence opposite him, in whose shadows the footsteps shuffled... shuffled. He supposed “stupid” and “good” had become somehow intermingled through previous association. When he called thus it was not an act of will at all—will had turned him away from the moving figure in the street; it was almost instinct that called, just the pile on pile of inherent tradition or some wild prayer from way over the night. Then something clanged like a low gong struck at a distance, and before his eyes a face flashed over the two feet, a face pale and distorted with a sort of infinite evil that twisted it like flame in the wind; but be knew, for the half instant that the gong tanged and hummed, that it was the face of Dick Humbird.

  Minutes later he sprang to his feet, realizing dimly that there was no more sound, and that he was alone in the graying alley. It was cold, and he started on a steady run for the light that showed the street at the other end.

  At the Window

  It was late morning when he woke and found the telephone beside his bed in the hotel tolling frantically, and remembered that he had left word to be called at eleven. Sloane was snoring heavily, his clothes in a pile by his bed. They dressed and ate breakfast in silence, and then sauntered out to get some air. Amory’s mind was working slowly, trying to assimilate what had happened and separate from the chaotic imagery that stacked his memory the bare shreds of truth. If the morning had been cold and gray he could have grasped the reins of the past in an instant, but it was one of those days that New York gets sometimes in May, when the air on Fifth Avenue is a soft, light wine. How much or how little Sloane remembered Amory did not care to know; he apparently had none of the nervous tension that was gripping Amory and forcing his mind back and forth like a shrieking saw.