When September Ends

by ANDREA SMITH

  Fat fucking chance. She hasn’t been clued in yet.

  I open the door quickly, and see that it’s Brandon. He’s wearing boxers and a worn U of A tee. “Seriously, September? You’ve got CNN blaring on your television in the bedroom at six in the morning?”

  He yawns, which makes the dirty look he’s giving me far less intimidating.

  “Oh, did I wake you?” I ask innocently, moving away from the door as he saunters in.

  “Well…no, but you’re keeping us from sleep.”

  “Hmm…well, I was sleeping pretty soundly until the cracked plaster started falling in there,” I tease, “What with the racket and opera singing going on at your place.”

  He smirks. “Yeah, I figured as much. Fuck it, who needs sleep? Got coffee?”

  “Sorry, coffee maker is packed.”

  “How about I make us some coffee and bring it over? I’ll help you pack up your car.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  And so he does, and within an hour and a half, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be to leave Ft. Smith and head back to Meridian.

  For some reason, saying goodbye to Brandon is more difficult than I thought. It wasn’t as if we’d known each other that long, or that well, but he was the closest thing to a BFF I had these days, or really, ever. I’m way closer to him than I ever have been with Shayla.

  My eyes tear up as he grabs me in a bear hug, and kisses the top of my head. “You be careful driving. Call or text me when you get there, okay Dawson?”

  I nod against him, not wanting him to hear my quivering voice.

  “And we will definitely stay in touch, right?”

  I nod again.

  “Okay then, I’ll let you go, for now.”

  “Bye, Bran,” I say softly, standing on my tip toes to kiss his stubbled cheek. “Thanks for everything.”

  He stands on the sidewalk as I get into the car that is packed solid with my belongings, and start the engine. I wipe away a stray tear as I put my seat belt on, and pull out onto the street, tapping the horn a couple of times. My eyes go to the rearview mirror and I watch him still standing there, his arms crossed in front of him as he watches me until my car is out of sight.

  I release a sigh.

  Inside I know that I’m starting a new chapter in my life, the same way that I had when I first arrived in Ft. Smith almost two years ago. But this chapter is way scarier for a couple of reasons, not the least of which is I’m not sure how I’m going to break it to my grandparents that it’s not just a winter break visit…it’s for good.

  Chapter 21

  Christmas is approaching and work is slow, which is typical for December, January and early February, but it sure has hell isn’t helping me get through the holidays.

  My work week is only about thirty hours, which gives me way too much time to dwell on the negative aspects of my life—which happen to be a complete one-eighty from a year before.

  On the home front, Scout and Sarah are still bonding big time, though Casey’s friendship with Sarah has cooled since I put her in her place, thank fuck. I’m not sure exactly how she’s handled that with Sarah, but I don’t fucking look a gift horse in the mouth.

  “When do you generally put up your Christmas decorations, Jesse?” Sarah asks me as I’m trying to focus on my account ledger for the shop, although unsuccessfully.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I reply. “Everything is in the basement, Scout can show you,” I continue without looking up at her.

  “I get the impression you’re not big on holidays?”

  I stop what I’m doing and peer up at her. “What makes you say that?”

  “Well,” she continues hesitantly, “Thanksgiving was a bust, and now it seems as if you don’t care whether Christmas comes or goes.”

  I shrug, “I guess you’re right. I’m not real big on holidays.”

  She studies me quietly for a moment. “Are you sure that’s it? Or is it because I’m here?”

  “Why would you think that?”

  “Jesse,” she sighs, “Nothing has changed. I know you don’t want me here. And now that Daddy has been released and is back in Meridian, I can surely make arrangements to go home. But if it’s all right with you, since we only have a week and a half before Christmas, I would like to stay and spend it with Scout unless you have objections?”

  I study her now, and as much as I want to call bullshit, there’s nothing in what she’s just said, or the tone in which she’s said it that comes across as being insincere.

  “Sarah, whatever you feel is best for Scout is what I want. She’s our daughter, and though you don’t recall me—or her, for that matter, you know her now and the fact that you both get along so well is a good thing. I certainly wouldn’t deny you spending the holidays here, because no matter what has transpired between you and me in the past, it has nothing to do with how you and Scout feel about each other now. So, rest assured, you are welcome to stay here through the holidays.”

  She smiles widely, nodding. “Thank you for that, Jesse. Even though I can’t recall the details of our marriage before I…left, I see nothing here now but a father who has raised his daughter in a loving and healthy home, and who has patiently allowed me access to her with these overwhelming circumstances and, for that, I am grateful.”

  “Okay, it’s settled then,” I reply, returning my attention to my ledger, but I notice she hasn’t budged. “Is there anything else?” I question, looking back up.

  She’s chewing her bottom lip nervously, something I recall from the past whenever she became nervous. “Just one other thing—I would really like to get my driver’s license before I return to Meridian. I previously had one, right?”

  “Yes,” I reply. “You drove, but under a different name you realize, and aside from that, has your doctor cleared you to well…drive?”

  She rolls her eyes, “I don’t have physical limitations, just memory limitations.”

  I quirk a brow, wondering why she’s approaching this now. As if reading my mind, she continues. “The thing is, I know with my studying the pamphlet I have I can pass the written test. It would help if you could take me out driving so that I can see how much I recall, and whether I have the ability to pass the driving test. And before you ask, the reason I want it is because once I return to Mama and Daddy’s, I want to surprise them. I want the ability to help Mama with taking Daddy to his appointments, or running errands for the both of them. I want it to be a surprise.”

  I can’t fault her for her intentions because they make sense. “Okay, well since I have spare time these days, I can take you down to the DMV to take the written exam, and get a learner’s permit until you feel ready for the driving test.

  “Oh Jesse, thank you! I know I can do this, and I know Mama will be so proud of me, too. I will be able to help out.”

  She leaves to find Scout and start on decorating for Christmas. I sigh and toss my pen down, rubbing my eyes with both hands.

  What has brought me to this point I wonder. I’m thirty-one years old, and my life is not the way I would’ve planned it. I never had any visions of grandeur for myself. My family life had been fairly dysfunctional, my father being a wildcatter and moving us around from one oil field to another, meaning a host of different schools and always trying to make friends wherever we landed next. As a kid and teenager, I never knew what it was like to have firmly planted roots. I knew that’s what I wanted once I settled down with a woman.

  It’s what I thought Libby and I would have once we married and settled in together. There was to be more children, maybe a son or two and eventually, I would have my own construction business.

  That part had finally come to fruition, but the other plans had gone awry. And for that, I have to take some responsibility I realize, and not for the first time. I can blame Libby for taking off and leaving all of us; it was irresponsible, immature and reckless, but it wasn’t without assistance from me.

  How many times had she told me she wanted more? Fuck.
I had taken that to mean more money, better housing, or more material comforts. I hadn’t considered she meant more for herself; more of a participant in the marriage versus being simply a caretaker.

  I shake my head now, the full realization that she’s reclaiming a life she has no recollection of, and maybe that’s a good thing.

  I don’t have that luxury. All of my mistakes, big and little, are still with me, pecking away at my conscience, clouding my judgment, and affecting my decisions.

  I’m not gonna lie, I was no monk after Libby left us. I recall the summer when Scout and September had gone to stay with Henry and Ruth so that I could have a break and prepare myself to be a single parent.

  I had spent the first couple of weeks trying like hell to find Libby; questioning everyone from her hair dresser to the cashiers at the grocery store. No one had known anything or, if they had, they weren’t talking.

  After that, I had sulked, drinking beer and shooting pool and working long hours to keep my mind from over-thinking and analyzing Libby’s motives for leaving, trying to let myself off the hook.

  I had fucked my share of chicks, mostly one-nighters, careful to shield my dick from any disease, and to let them know it was sex and nothing else. I had only dated one woman for any length of time, Jamie Anderson, a neighbor a few units down in the trailer park we’d lived in when Libby had left.

  She had been quick to befriend me several weeks after Libby had left. The rumor mill traveled fast through the park. She had stopped by one evening on her way home from work, letting me know if there was anything I needed to just give her a holler.

  So the next evening, I did just that. The chick was a freak in the sack, but I wasn’t complaining. We dated for the rest of the summer, and even after Scout returned in the fall, but then the possessiveness and clinginess started, so I did my best to distance myself from her.

  She continued to contact me, or stop by unexpectedly in the evenings. She even showed up at my job site asking why the hell I was ignoring her. I used the excuse of still being married, which of course was lame, and she immediately called me out on it. I finally told her to just fuck off and leave me the hell alone.

  Not one of my finest moments, I know.

  After that, I practiced discretion, but mostly abstinence, until I bought a home and then enter Casey.

  I leaf through the stack of mail on my desk, and see the unopened one from my attorney. It’s our divorce papers and I’ve been putting off opening the envelope until I had an opportunity to discuss it with Sarah.

  I open the envelope and see the Petition for Dissolution. It’s fairly standard. She waives all claims to my property, and I do the same for hers, not that she has anything. I did authorize my attorney to award her $10,000 in cash, figuring that would at least help her come to terms with the fact that we are no longer husband and wife in the event she would be reluctant to sign the papers.

  Scout would remain with me, and I requested no child support, and visitation as agreed upon by both parties.

  Now that Sarah has decided she wants to get her driver’s license, I figure the ten grand will get a decent car for her. Who knows? Maybe she will get some income from a part-time job, but the fact that she’s shared with me that she has a monthly income now and medical coverage means it’s time to bring this marriage to closure.

  Later, after Scout has gone to bed I approach her in the laundry room, with the packet of papers in my hand.

  “Sarah,” I start, and she turns to me where’s she been folding clothes from the dryer.

  “Oh, hi,” she says with a laugh. “You startled me. I’ve been trying to figure out what to get you for Christmas.”

  Perfect timing.

  “Let me make it easy on you,” I say, holding out the petition for her to take, “The best gift you can give me is to sign this. In front of a Notary,” I continue. “We can go to one tomorrow.”

  She lowers her eyes to the papers, and several moments later, she looks back up at me, her eyes welled up in tears. “Are you sure, Jesse? Are you sure this is what you want? God doesn’t sanction the breaking of the sacred vows we took when we married.”

  “Do you remember those vows?” I ask.

  “Well…no,” she says, her eyes looking downward, “But I know that we must have spoken them if we’re married.”

  “We did,” I reply, “And I’m not trying to hurt you now, but you need to realize that you broke those vows nearly six years ago.”

  “I believe you,” she replies, nodding, a tear escaping and rolling down her cheek. “Mama has explained all of it to me, and I know she doesn’t lie, but maybe I’m not that person anymore, Jesse. Maybe the Lord has a plan for us and everything that has happened was supposed to happen, do you know what I mean?”

  “All I know is that I need to move forward, Sarah, and I can’t do that unless you sign these. Will you do that for me?”

  The tears are rolling now. “What about Scout?”

  “I would never hold Scout from you now seeing how well you two get on, we can work something out for her spending summers with you, and school breaks.”

  “So, you want me to go back to Meridian after the holidays?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you need me to sign these papers?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well what if I don’t sign them?”

  “The divorce will still happen, Sarah, it will just be more costly for me, and take longer, and the cash award will be off the table.”

  “When will it be final if I do sign?”

  “In thirty days.”

  “Can I think about it for a day or two, Jesse?”

  And I’m stunned that she needs to think about it and I wonder what her angle is on the matter.

  “Yes, let me know day after tomorrow, okay?”

  She nods, putting the papers on the dryer and turning from me. “I will.”

  Chapter 22

  December 21st

  Gram and Grandpa have been back for several days, and I can see that Gram and I both have our work cut out for us. Grandpa’s mind is still sharp, though he does have some issues with his speech that seem to frustrate him more than anything else.

  He gets around with a walker, and he noticeably drags his left foot. Gram says that he needs to continue with the physical therapy.

  “Will he be able to go back to work?” I ask.

  She shakes her head, “No honey, but it’s time he retires anyway. He’s sixty-seven years old. We’ll be fine,” she assures me.

  And I wonder if she’s trying to convince herself of that.

  We get into somewhat of a routine, with me helping by cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry and Gram seeing to Grandpa’s care.

  In the evenings, we watch television, and Gram tries to get me to talk about school and my boyfriend, Brandon, but it’s difficult for me to do that since I haven’t been honest with her about that either. And yes, I see the irony in this since, in the not so distant past, I’ve had issues with honesty, but this is a bit more complicated.

  I’m not justifying it, mind you, but I do need a bit more time to figure out the best way to explain it. Gram has a lot on her mind right now. I’m here to support her, and that’s my priority at the moment.

  “So,” she says during commercial, “Have you talked to Brandon lately?”

  “No,” I reply honestly, “I’m sure he’s busy with family and holiday stuff.”

  “Where’s he from?”

  Aww…Geez…

  “Back East.”

  “That’s kind of vague,” she replies, “Where about?”

  I’m just about ready to spit out a lie, when I’m saved by her phone ringing. “Hold that thought,” she says with a snicker as she hoists herself up to grab her cordless phone.

  Several moments later, I realize it’s Mama at the other end.

  “Calm down, Sarah,” Gram says, trying to soothe her. “Remember I told you to expect that now, didn’t I?”

  Expect wh
at?

  “I know, honey, and I sure didn’t mean for you to hold false hopes, but the Lord deals in mysterious ways, now you know that, right?”

  Silence.

  “Well how’s Scout doing? Does she know?”

  Silence.

  “Okay, please try and keep calm and keep up your prayers like you do when you’re here. Have you been going to Sunday services?”

  Pause.

  “Well that’s good, honey. The Lord will provide you the strength to get through this. All you need to do is ask.”

  Pause.

  “Okay, so when will you be coming back then?”

  My eyes widen as what she’s saying to Mama finally sinks in. Jesse wants Mama gone? Trouble in paradise?

  “Okay, good. Well honey, a lot can happen between then and now, especially with the Lord’s infinite wisdom and intervention. Oh, did you know—?”

  And I know she’s about to tell Mama I’m here. I quickly wave my arms wildly and shake my head back and forth and she pauses…“that your father is doing much better?” she finishes, shooting me a puzzled look.

  I relax a bit and wait for her to finish the conversation with my mother. She’s going to have more questions, and maybe the time is right for me to be honest. If Mama is coming back here, then I have to move to Plan B.

  The problem is, I have no clue what Plan B is since, until now, I didn’t think I would need one.

  As soon as Gram gets off the phone, the questions start, but I’m the first to toss one out there. “When is Mama coming back here?” I ask.

  “Not until January, don’t worry. You’ll be back to school by then. Jesse is proceeding with the divorce. He apparently asked Sarah today if she’ll sign the papers and agree to it so, naturally, she is upset.”

  “He is?”

  She gives me a frown. “Well he’s always said that was the plan. Of course, we all hoped that if anything good came out of your grandpa’s stroke, it was that maybe it would rekindle Jesse’s affections for your mama.”