Half Upon a Time

by James Riley

  “Yeah, evil monsters not listening to you—who could have predicted that?” Jack asked, taking a quick look around his jail cell. Greenish hay filled one corner, probably for sleeping on. Nice of his jailers to throw him onto the hard ground in the middle of the room instead of onto the hay. An old wooden bucket sat in the opposite corner, the one nearest a barred window at the rear of the cell.

  “Great,” he said, shaking his head. “How do we manage to hit the worst possible outcome in every situation?”

  “We’ll just talk our way out,” May said, though she didn’t sound too convinced.

  Jack raised an eyebrow. “Talk to who?”

  “The guard, a judge, Malevolent … someone! They can’t just leave us here!”

  “Oh, really?” Jack said, then nodded toward the cell on his right. May strained to see what he meant, then gasped.

  “Is that a skeleton?” she said, cringing.

  “Yup,” Jack said. “He probably should have tried talking his way out.”

  “Don’t make me come over there,” May said, banging on the bars between them. Then she gasped suddenly, jumping backward. “Jack! I saw something moving!”

  “Don’t worry,” Jack said, following her gaze. “It’s just rats. Where’s Phillip?”

  “No clue,” May said. “I haven’t seen anyone but you. Well, and now that guy. And the rats.”

  Jack nodded and stood up, bracing himself against the walls. The room chose that moment to sway and spin, apparently just to spite him. He shook off the dizziness and set to work.

  “What’re you doing?” May asked Jack as he bent over and stared into each corner of the cell.

  “There’s always one in these places, just watching for someone interesting,” he said. “They can’t resist checking out the new people. You just have to find … aha.” He reached into the corner with the bucket and grabbed ahold of what looked to be a long white thread. As he yanked on it the thread pulled up a tassel, which topped a funny little red hat.

  Which, in turn, sat on top of an imp’s tiny, pointed head.

  Jack dragged the creature out of its hiding place and held it in midair.

  “Let me go!” the imp screamed, desperately clutching its red hat with little, white-knuckled fists as it kicked at Jack with all its strength. The imp’s furious face scrunched up as tightly as it could, considering its beard was tucked into its bright blue pants, a color that happened to go nicely with its shockingly goldenrod tunic.

  Jack held the imp out at arm’s length, both to keep the creature from biting him and to avoid the smell. Maybe the corner with the waste bucket wasn’t the smartest place to live.

  “Release me!” the imp said, struggling even more viciously.

  “No,” Jack said simply. “You’re going to help us first. I’ll let you go when you agree to free the princess there.”

  “Oh, a princess!” the imp said, immediately stopping its struggle with a big grin. “Put me down, let me get a look at her!”

  Jack smiled. “I’ll put you down, but your hat’s mine, just in case you’re thinking about running.” He jerked his arm, ripping the hat off the imp’s head and tossing the little creature to the floor. Before it even hit the ground, the imp started screaming obscenities, its face an unnaturally bright purple, but Jack just shrugged.

  “I’m keeping your hat until you get her out of here,” he said calmly.

  The imp stopped swearing. “I’ll help her out of here all right …” A smile slowly made its way over the imp’s beady little face.

  “Again, no,” Jack said. “You’ll put her out there on the floor, right outside our jail cells. You will not alert the guards or do anything else to put her in danger. Also, you will not turn her into a frog or shrink her to the size of a mushroom. You will put her outside the cell without changing or hurting her in any way. Do we understand each other?”

  The imp stamped its foot. “You humans have become far too clever to be any fun.” Then it smiled again. “But what about you, fine sir? You said you would give me my hat back if I freed her, yet you’ll still be stuck in this dank, dreary cell! What deal will you strike for your own freedom?”

  “No deal,” Jack said, his eyes narrowing. “She’ll find a way to get me out.”

  The imp managed to look indignant. “You wound me, good sir! I could easily grant your freedom from this cell and ask nothing in return!”

  “That sounds good, we’ll take that!” May yelled from the other cell before Jack could stop her.

  Jack groaned all the way down to his feet. “Oh, May,” he said, shaking his head.

  “Deal!” the imp said, jumping forward to seize May’s hand, which it pumped furiously up and down. “And now, I shall grant his freedom, yes, and for no price! However …”

  The imp snapped its fingers, and suddenly Jack was hanging in midair outside the castle, a few feet from the barred window and hundreds of feet above the ocean below.

  Jack glanced around fearfully and swallowed hard. The rest of the castle was below him; he was hanging outside the very top of the tower in the tail of the dragon. Apparently, the lit window they’d seen from the ground had been the jail.

  “Jack!” May screamed from inside the tower.

  The imp’s eyes burned with greed as they stared at the princess. “Let’s just say that if you want me to not release him at this point, milady, we’ll have to make a second deal.”

  May grabbed the imp by its white hair and smashed its head straight into the bars of her cell over and over. “Get him back in here!” she screamed.

  The imp howled in pain. Outside, Jack abruptly dropped a few feet. As Jack shouted in surprise May dropped the imp, who instantly collected itself.

  “That’s a no-no, milady,” the imp said, a cold gleam in its eyes. “Wouldn’t want me to lose concentration and drop our hero boy, now would we?”

  “What do you want!” Jack yelled from outside. “What’s the deal?!”

  The imp jumped up to the windowsill. “I’m a creature of few desires, good sir,” it said. “Why, I’d be perfectly satisfied with, say, both your arms.”

  Jack shook his head in disgust. The imp shrugged, and Jack dropped a few more feet, making him yell out again despite himself.

  This really wasn’t going well at all. “What else?!” Jack said, trying to keep his voice calm but failing miserably.

  The imp thought about it for a second. “You could hand over that pretty set of teeth,” it said. “Or an ear … an ear and an eye!” Its eyes lit up all of a sudden. “Oooh, I’ll take every other word from the princess’s tongue! That would serve me quite well! One can never have too many words, after all!”

  Jack shook his head again, and this time dropped out of sight of the window, coming to a stop about halfway down the dragon’s tail. May screamed his name, but he waited to respond until he could hear her over the sound of his heartbeat. “I’m okay!” he yelled finally. “You know, relatively! I’m actually a little scared for some reason!”

  “I figured that out!” May yelled in reply as the imp floated Jack back up to the tower’s window.

  Clearly, the imp had them. But maybe there was still a way out? Jack quickly ran through the stories he’d heard. What about … no, they didn’t have a chicken. Or … wait, what about … “A contest!” Jack yelled.

  “I know better than to fall for that,” the imp said disgustedly. “A cousin of mine taught a girl to spin straw into gold once, if she would give up her firstborn child. The girl agreed at first, then reneged on the deal—typical human. Being the kindhearted imp my cousin was, he agreed to one of your foolish contests. If she could but guess his name, he’d let her keep her gold and her child. The girl cheated, of course, as you people always do, and won.” The imp’s nostrils flared as it continued. “Then the bitter little witch had her husband, the prince, rename every city in their miserable little kingdom by my cousin’s name! He’s a laughingstock to this day! He even had to exile himself to regain his digni
ty!”

  May looked from Jack to the imp and back, and her eyes went wide. “Mr. Little Imp-Man, sir?” she said. “Can I offer something?”

  “May! Don’t!” Jack yelled, but the imp just waved its hand and Jack dropped halfway down the tower again.

  Even though he couldn’t see her, he could still hear the shake in May’s voice. “Okay, first of all,” she screamed, “you’re gonna have to stop dropping him like that!”

  The imp shrugged, and Jack reappeared outside the window.

  “Thank you,” May said, sighing in relief. “Now, I have something to offer you if you’ll bring him back in.”

  “Is it your skull?” the imp said, licking its lips. “The skull of a princess is a delicacy, you know.”

  May stared at the thing in shock for a moment, then shook her head. “Ah … no,” she said. “I have something much more valuable. Something I use each and every day. Something more important to me than my very life!”

  The gleam in the imp’s eye almost lit up the room. Jack started to say something to stop the princess, but she threw him a quick look that told him to stay out of it. He slowly shut his mouth, hoping she knew what she was doing.

  “I’ll give you …,” May said, then paused and leaned in close to the imp, who obediently followed suit. “I’ll give you … my sarcasm,” she whispered.

  The imp’s smile slowly faded, and it pulled back away from her. “Your … sarcasm?”

  “Yes,” May said, wiping a fake tear from her eye. “I don’t know if I can live without it! I’ll just have to do my best!”

  “But … but princesses don’t use sarcasm!” the imp protested.

  “Oh, yeah, they never do,” May said.

  “Wow,” the imp said, visibly impressed. “That’s pretty good!”

  “Who’d have thought a girl like me would know anything about sarcasm!” May continued, snorting a bit.

  “You are incredible!” the imp said. It was jumping up and down now. “Such a natural!”

  “It must be because I’m having so much fun right now!” May said, rolling her eyes.

  “You’ve got a deal!” the imp screamed delightedly.

  It snapped its fingers, and Jack instantly appeared back in the cell. The imp snapped again, and a bluish light appeared over May’s head. The light shone briefly, changing from blue to green, then disappeared. A second light, this one green, appeared over the imp’s hatless skull, then turned blue and also faded away.

  Jack gritted his teeth and leapt for the imp, but the creature made as if to snap his fingers again, and Jack stopped short. “You little monster,” Jack growled, more furious than he’d ever been. “If you’ve taken anything from her, I swear I will hunt you and take it out of your empty skull! And I won’t be using magic.”

  “Oooh,” the imp said, shivering. “I’m so scared!” Then it laughed. “Your sarcasm is amazing, Princess! You had a master-level talent!”

  May started to say something, then paused, looking confused. “Yeah,” she stammered. “I … um. Yeah, I … I used it a lot.” She glanced at Jack, her eyes wide. “I didn’t think it was something he could actually take!”

  “You didn’t know?” the imp said, grinning evilly. “Someone as worldly as you? I’m so surprised! Now …” It snapped its fingers. May disappeared, instantly reappearing on the other side of the cell. “My hat?”

  Now that the imp had fulfilled its part of the deal, it didn’t need Jack’s cooperation. It snapped its fingers, and its hat reappeared on its head, leaving Jack holding nothing.

  “Let him out too!” May yelled from the other side of the bars.

  “That was never the deal, genius,” the imp said, stroking its hat lovingly. “I just said I’d bring him in, and I did. He’s stuck here, I’m afraid. I’m really surprised you didn’t figure that one out sooner, though, considering that huge brain you’ve got going for you.”

  May glared at the imp, then suddenly smiled her half smile. “If you leave him in there,” she said softly, “I’ll tell everyone your name….”

  “Ha!” the imp shouted. “You don’t know it!” It went back to stroking its hat, but Jack noticed that it didn’t seem quite as sure of itself.

  “Oh, yeah?” May said. “Let’s just say I’ve heard of your cousin … and family names are family names, aren’t they, Mr. Stiltskin?”

  The imp started to respond, then turned a very pale shade of white. “How … where … how did …,” it stammered, then abruptly started howling and stomping its feet. It opened its mouth to say something else, then glared at the princess, who glared back defiantly.

  Finally, the imp dropped its head and sighed. It snapped its fingers, and Jack appeared outside the bars, right at May’s side.

  “That’s what I thought,” May said, turning up her nose at the dejected, sarcastic imp. “You don’t mess with a princess from Punk, little man,” she said. “Remember that next time.”

  The imp pushed itself up against the bars. “Oh, I’ll remember you, Princess,” it said, its smile showing all four hundred of its teeth. “You can count on that!” And then, with an unsettling wink, the imp disappeared.

  Chapter 34

  Jack grabbed May’s head with both hands and stared her straight in the eye. “How do you feel?” he asked her, looking from eye to eye. She seemed all right, but you never could tell with magic. “Does it hurt?”

  She looked at him miserably. “I don’t feel any different,” she said, “but it’s like … it’s like there are words I don’t know anymore. Except it’s not words. I can still say whatever I want, but when I try to use a tone, I just … can’t. Does that make sense?”

  Jack nodded slowly. “Don’t worry,” he said. “We’ll find that thing and get back whatever it took, okay? Trust me, that little monster’s not getting away with this.”

  She smiled weakly at him. “Since when did you care so much, huh? I thought you hated royalty and all.”

  Jack took a step back unconsciously. “I did,” he said. “I mean, I do.” He rolled his eyes dramatically. “Leave it to a princess to assume basic human decency is something more.”

  Her eyes narrowed, and she started to say something, then stopped, looking like she was searching for the right word. Finally, she sighed dejectedly and her face fell. “Let’s just go find Phillip, huh? I’m ready to move on and forget all about this.”

  Jack nodded, suddenly feeling absolutely terrible. Why had he said that? May had lost a part of herself to save him, and he insulted her? And it wasn’t like he really thought badly of her, not anymore. They’d gotten closer as they’d traveled, and he did think of May as … well, as something.

  He wasn’t quite sure what he thought of her, but he knew it wasn’t bad, princess or no. So why had he said that, especially after what she’d just been through? He ran his words through his head over and over, each time coming across worse than the last.

  “They took our stuff somewhere when they dumped us here,” May said, still not looking at him. “Your sword, the bag, the Mirror …”

  For some reason, the mention of the sword made him nervous, so he changed the subject. “Considering what good the bag’s been so far, we’re probably better off,” Jack said as good-naturedly as he could.

  May glanced up at him, and he did everything he could to smile, apologizing as hard as he could without actually saying the words.

  “The bag itself was kinda cool,” May said tentatively. “I mean, if it could fit everything in the world in it, it might almost have been big enough for your ego!”

  Jack raised an eyebrow. “I thought you couldn’t be sarcastic.”

  She shrugged, the hint of a smile playing across her face. “That wasn’t sarcasm,” she said. “I was making fun of you. Trust me, no one can take that away from me.”

  And just like that, everything was forgiven.

  Opposite the jail cells, a door opened to a dark spiral stairway that sank into the dragon-tail tower. As they stood at the top of
the stairs they could barely make out a light at the end. A light meant the stairway led somewhere, probably somewhere with people … or, more likely, goblins. Still, there wasn’t another choice.

  Jack led the way, wondering briefly as he trudged down the stairs what would happen at the end of all this. Eventually, they’d find May’s grandmother and, hopefully, rescue her. Then that would be that. Jack would go back to his grandfather, while May and Phillip went back to their royal lives. Despite all the obstacles still in their way, the thought of the quest ending gave him a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach.

  But why? It wasn’t like he was an adventurer like his grandfather—or even his father, for that matter. Jack knew the need for this sort of thing just wasn’t built into him like it was in them. In fact, the whole quest so far had been pretty miserable … hadn’t it? He glanced behind him, up at the princess, who flicked her eyebrows twice at him. He grinned and turned back around. She was so adorable….

  Wait, what? Jack stopped dead in his tracks, causing May to plow straight into him. The princess’s momentum pushed them both down a few more stairs before Jack caught himself against the wall, halting May’s fall, as well.

  “Sorry!” she said quickly. “I totally didn’t see you stop!”

  “That’s all right,” he said, his face bright red in the dark. “I hadn’t really planned on stopping.”

  “Oh, yeah?” she said, blowing a stray hair out of her face. “What happened?”

  Jack opened his mouth, then closed it, turned around, and started down the stairs. “We’re almost there,” he said, his face as hot as fire. “We should be quiet.”

  “Gotcha,” she whispered behind him, thankfully letting it go.

  The light they’d seen from above shone brightly through an uneven crack beneath another wooden door at the bottom of the stairs. Jack tiptoed up to the door and carefully pushed on it, just to test to see if it was locked. The door creaked open the slightest bit, hopefully not enough to be noticeable if anyone was watching from the other side.

  Now that he knew it was unlocked, Jack held his breath and listened against the door for any sounds, but there was only silence. He breathed out, and ever so slowly pushed the door open, trying to catch a glimpse of what lay on the other side in case someone was waiting for them.