by G. R. Lyons
Vic frowned. “That a problem?”
“Huh? What? No. Of course not. Why would it be?”
Ryley steered Zac aside so they could all get into the apartment, asking, “You alright, babe?”
“What? Me?” Zac asked. “Yeah. Of course. Fine.”
From the bedroom, Adrian called, “Hey, Zac?”
“Yeah?” Zac called back, hurrying off to the bedroom to stop Adrian before he could say anything more and out them.
Adrian turned around as Zac entered the room, asking, “Where's– Oh. Never mind. Found it.”
Zac cringed. “Sorry. I'll clean up in here, I promise.”
Adrian gave him a look that said he didn't quite believe Zac, but didn't say anything. Instead, he asked, “Someone here?”
“What? Oh. Yeah. Um. My bandmates.”
Adrian's face went blank.
“Oh.” Zac shook his head. “Not those ones. The other ones. Treble.”
“Oh!” Adrian almost smiled. “From Underground.”
“Yeah,” Zac sighed, grinning.
“Practicing?”
“Yep.”
Adrian reached out and snagged Zac by the belt loops on his jeans, yanking him closer. “Play for me when we get home tonight,” he whispered.
It was more order than question, and Zac nodded emphatically. He loved to watch Adrian's reaction when he played. Nothing got him quite so worked up as the look of lust and adoration on Adrian's face whenever Zac picked up his violin.
“Yes, sir,” he growled.
Adrian grinned, pulled Zac in for a kiss, then stepped back with a sigh. Zac saw the moment that Adrian switched off and checked out, arming himself for facing the outside world.
“Have a good class,” Zac said, though he wasn't sure Adrian even heard him as the man picked up his backpack and strode out the door. Zac followed him out of the room, watched him leave the apartment, then made a quick turn and headed for the kitchen, where he found Vic and Ryley unpacking bags of takeout breakfast they'd brought along.
Before Zac could say anything, Ryley whirled on him. “Who was that?”
Zac fidgeted. “Who was who?”
“Uh, tall, blond, and handsome who just came out of your bedroom?”
Zac shrugged and went to the couch, where he made a show of tidying up the blankets and pillow he'd put there just for show. “My roommate.”
“Mmmph.” Ryley set down a few plates on the coffee table and sank into a chair. “I could bend over for that man any day.”
Vic scoffed as he helped Zac move a few things out of the way so they'd have more space for food. “Yeah, because you'll bend over for anything with a dick.”
Zac's eyes went wide as he looked from Vic to Ryley and back.
Shit. Vic not only knew Ryley was cheating, but now he was calling him on it, and they were still together? No way could Zac ever put up with anything like that. How the hells did Vic stand it?
“Ha ha,” Ryley deadpanned, rolling his eyes. “I was joking, babe. But, come on, you can't tell me that piece of ass wasn't tempting.”
“You can't have him,” Zac snapped.
The silence that followed was so tense that Zac had to play the moment over in his head, and then he realized what he'd just done.
Vic and Ryley shared a look, then both turned their gazes on Zac at the same time.
“Something you wanna share with us, babe?” Ryley asked.
“I…um…I just…” Zac swallowed hard. “Shit.”
He slumped into a chair and held his head in his hands while his whole body shook with nerves.
Fuck. They know. Shit. What the hells am I gonna do?
Silence followed, until Vic asked gently, “Zac?”
Zac looked up at them from under his eyelashes, but he found no hint of amusement on their faces.
Just acceptance.
He tucked his hair behind his ears and looked down at the floor, clasping his hands together over his knee, his leg bouncing wildly. He whispered, “I'm gay.”
“Oh, honey.” Ryley jumped up from his seat, stepped around the table, and dropped to his knees, pulling Zac into a hug. “We knew that.”
Zac lurched back. “What?” He looked from Ryley to Vic and back, and found them both chuckling.
“Suspected,” Vic added, “but yeah. We pretty much had an idea.”
“We've just been waiting for you to finally admit it,” Ryley said, giving Zac's shoulder a squeeze.
“Fuck.” Zac ran his hands through his hair. “How long have you known?”
“For as many girls as you've turned down at the lounge?” Vic said, laughing. “Something had to be going on.”
“Fuck,” Zac said again, shaking his head. He sat up and saw Ryley giving him a concerned look. “No one knows,” Zac said, looking at Ryley and Vic in turn.
“And we would never tell anyone,” Vic insisted, and Ryley nodded agreement.
“Although,” Ryley said, a sly smile on his face, “I seriously hope your roommate knows. I hope he knows very well.”
Zac felt himself blush. “He knows,” Zac whispered.
Ryley threw his head back and laughed, then returned to his chair. “Look at you, badass rocker boy going all bashful.” Then he tilted his head to one side and gave Zac a once-over. “You mean we could have hooked up all this time?”
Vic let out a growl and rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything.
Zac shook his head, wanting to defuse the situation before the couple wound up actually fighting about Ryley's infidelity. “Wouldn't have worked, anyway.” He paused, then blurted out, “We're both bottoms.” He saw Ryley's eyes go wide, and Zac felt himself go bright red. “Fuck, I can't believe I just said that.” He put his face in his hands.
Ryley's laughter slowly faded, and in the silence that followed, Vic asked gently, “Zac, are you ashamed to be gay?”
“What?” Zac uncovered his face and looked up, then hesitated. “I– No. I mean, not really. Just– Come on, you know the horror stories. Hells, Adrian got disowned when his dad found out about us.”
“Oh, shit,” Ryley gasped.
“I just…” Zac began, then slumped back on the couch with a sigh. “Most of my friends are bigoted assholes, you know? They're always harping on fags and brag about beating them up and shit.”
“You need new friends,” Vic pointed out.
“I've known these guys since we were little kids. They're like family. I can't just–”
“I know, I know,” Vic said, holding up his hands. “It's alright. I understand.”
“I can't even tell them about this,” Zac said, gesturing at the three of them, “because it would be too gay for them.”
“Well, in that case.” Ryley slapped his hands down on the chair's armrests, pushed himself to his feet, and went to retrieve his violin case from the kitchen counter. “They can keep their bleak little outside world. Let's gay it up in here.”
Vic rolled his eyes, but he was laughing all the same, and Zac cracked a smile.
Holy shit. He'd just come out to someone important in his life. And it hadn't been a complete disaster.
But he knew that wouldn't always be the case. With Kade and Smitty, it would be a nightmare, that was for damned sure, so there was no way he could even consider it. As for his family? Still too difficult to say. He wasn't keen on trying that any time soon.
He didn't think he'd survive losing them all the way Adrian had lost his father. Seeing that kind of disgust and hatred on their faces? No fucking way.
He'd just have to keep staying in the closet for now, with only Adrian, Vic, and Ryley knowing the truth. That would have to be enough.
* * *
ADRIAN SHIFTED the blanket and pillow aside so he could sit on the couch and get his homework done while Zac was at work. Ever since Zac's bandmates had planned to visit last week—and especially after surprising them before Adrian could leave—they'd been leaving evidence that Adrian was sleeping on the couch rather than in the
bedroom. Zac said he rarely got visitors, but they weren't taking any chances. Not when neither of them could afford to be outed even more.
The damned things were always in the way, taking up space on the couch, but he didn't even consider tucking them back into the closet. On the off-chance someone else did just show up, Adrian wanted to be prepared.
Just a few more months. All they had to do was survive the next couple months, then Adrian could get his own apartment and not have to worry quite so much about hiding. Zac's apartment would be his own again, and if they wanted to escape the world for a bit and just be themselves, not having to worry about wearing the masks, they could sneak away to Adrian's together. Pull the walls back down. Put the disguises away. Be real and free.
Gods, Adrian couldn't wait.
Not that he didn't love living with Zac. Having that man nearby was heaven, even if he wasn't used to living with someone. Still, he could definitely do with more space.
Adrian shoved the folded blankets farther aside and tried to take a deep breath. The apartment was stifling. He was slowly but surely getting used to the smaller space, but it still felt too cramped and cluttered, Zac's stuff always dropped haphazardly all over the furniture and floors. Zac had been trying to be more tidy, but habits lingered. Books wound up on the floor while discarded shirts got tossed every which way. One time, Adrian even found a sock in the refrigerator.
The memory of that sight set him on edge. It was so incongruous with a proper order that he couldn't stand it.
Adrian tried to return his focus to his homework, but now his skin was crawling while it felt like the room was closing in around him. He jumped up and went to the washroom, snatching his pill bottle out of the medicine cabinet over the sink.
The bottle gave an echoing rattle. Oh, no. Adrian held his breath as he twisted off the cap and peered inside. Just one pill left. Good gods, had he really gone through them all so quickly?
Adrian fidgeted, staring at that lonely pill. If he took it now, he'd have nothing to keep him stable at school tomorrow. But if he didn't take it now, could he keep himself together for the rest of the day? With the rooms feeling smaller at every passing minute, he wasn't so sure.
A whimper escaped his throat, startling him. Adrian slammed the cap back on the bottle, dropped the bottle in the sink, and planted his hands on the counter, bowing his head and squeezing his eyes shut.
Focus. Breathe. Just calm down and breathe. His whole body shook as he tried to steady himself, curling his fingers over the rim of the sink and holding on for dear life.
It wasn't enough. Panting, Adrian tore through the washroom, opening drawers and cabinets, shoving things around, trying to find anything he could use. He checked under every box and behind every bottle, then ripped open his shaving kit. Thank gods. Tucked inside was his razor. He snatched it up and quickly shoved everything back in place, leaving just that shiny, sharp blade resting on the counter.
Adrian yanked his pants open and shoved them down to his knees. He grabbed the razor and pressed it to his skin, almost crying with relief when his flesh parted and blood started to show. Taking a deep, shuddering breath, he cut himself again.
The front door slammed shut. Adrian jumped, startled, then slipped on the rug beneath his feet and crashed to the floor.
“Babe?” Zac called. Rapid footsteps approached as Adrian scrambled to pull his pants back up, hiding the cuts. “Ade, baby, what's wrong?”
Adrian gasped and shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut.
“Hang on, babe. Just breathe for me, alright? Where's your–” Zac cut off, and Adrian heard the hollow rattle of the pill bottle, followed by the sound of the cap popping open. “Ade, did you take any of these?”
Adrian shook his head tightly.
“Shit,” Zac whispered. Adrian forced his eyes open and saw Zac recap the bottle and set it aside before crouching down next to him. Zac grabbed Adrian's shoulders. “Breathe, baby. It's alright. You're safe here. Just breathe with me.”
Adrian leaned against him, his whole body shaking. Zac put his arms around him and pulled him close, Adrian's neck at an uncomfortable angle as his head pressed against Zac's chest. He felt Zac's steady breaths and tried with everything he had to mimic them.
“That's it,” Zac whispered, rubbing his back. “That's it, baby. Just like that.” Zac was silent for a moment, then let out a sigh. “Shit. And now I can't get you more pills.”
Adrian caught his breath and tried to straighten. “Wh–” He gasped at the sight of a bandage on Zac's forehead. “What happened?”
Zac grimaced. “Car accident. Not my fault, thank gods.”
“Zac–”
“I'm alright, I promise,” Zac said, taking Adrian's hand and giving it a squeeze. He sighed again and turned to lean back against the wall so they were sitting side-by-side. “Just…now I'm really broke.”
“But you're alright?” Adrian asked, still staring at the bandage.
Zac rolled his head toward him and gave him a weak smile. “Yeah. Just a small cut, really. No big deal. But the car's not driveable. And of course it would be the one thing I didn't have insured.” He chuckled half-heartedly. “The thing's old, so I figured, why bother? Not like a crumpled fender could make it look much worse.” He paused and shook his head. “Never even considered mechanical damage. Stupid.”
Adrian shifted, wincing as his pants dragged over his cuts, though the sensation only added to his relief. “I'm sorry.”
Zac shook his head. “No, I'm sorry. I should have thought about getting you more pills days ago. I see you take them every day and never even thought to ask.”
Adrian shrugged, though the thought of being without them spiked his heart rate again.
Zac let his head fall back against the wall with a thunk and blew out a breath. “Shit. I let everything get out of control. I thought we were gonna make it but…Well, between working less and just paying the rent yesterday and the grocery and water bills doubling since you've been here and adding your phone to my plan–”
“What?” Adrian interrupted.
Zac nodded and glanced at him sideways. “Yesterday, before class. Sorry, I totally forgot to tell you about it. I put your number on my plan, so your phone will work now.” He shrugged again. “And now with paying for the stitches and the car repair–”
“Stitches?” Adrian demanded, staring at him.
Zac gave him a smile. “I'm alright, I promise.” His hand came down on Adrian's thigh, giving it a squeeze.
Adrian hissed.
Zac sat up straight, looking from Adrian's face to his hand and back, then lifted his hand and gaped at the sight of blood staining through Adrian's pants. “Baby!” He grabbed the waistband and tugged the pants down before Adrian could stop him. “Ade,” Zac sighed. He pulled Adrian into his arms. “I'm so sorry, baby. We'll get through this, alright? I promise.”
Adrian nodded absently while Zac rubbed his back, but he wasn't sure Zac was right. If Adrian did survive through graduation without the help of his pills, it would be some kind of miracle.
Chapter 18
ZAC STOOD at the washroom mirror, drawing on his eyeliner and sneaking glances at Adrian in the reflection. Adrian was in the bedroom, standing at the closet, wincing as he eased a pair of dress pants up over the fresh set of bandages he now had over his right thigh.
Letting out a sigh, Zac returned his focus to his makeup, not wanting to be caught staring. Adrian was unsettled enough as it was. The man was barely keeping it together ever since his pills had run out. It was all Adrian could do to psych himself up enough to go to school and face other people, and until the repair on Zac's car was finished, Adrian still had the added stress of traveling to campus by shuttle rather than the relative privacy of a car. Granted, Adrian had opted for that so that Zac could sleep in, but that had been before he'd run out of pills. Now Adrian was facing more time in public with only sheer willpower to support him.
And it wasn't enough.
&n
bsp; They'd barely made it home last night before Adrian scrambled for his razor. Zac had tried to stop him, tried to get him to breathe through it, but Adrian couldn't be swayed. The poor man was unraveling more and more by the day, and the only thing that seemed to make any sort of difference was the pain and the sight of his own blood.
And now, rather than being able to stay in and hide away from the world, Adrian was being forced outside again, this time with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Neither of them had classes, and Zac's diner had closed for the day for some kitchen upgrade they were doing, which meant Kade and Smitty were coming over to deal with band stuff.
Not that they had any gigs coming up, but on the off-chance they actually got a spot in the audition festival, they wanted to be ready.
A chance at fame and fortune? How could they possibly pass that up?
But, at the moment, that meant Adrian having to run out and hide so the guys wouldn't realize he was living there. Zac capped his eyeliner with a sigh and tossed it into a drawer. He'd told Kade he could walk or shuttle over to their house just fine, though the process might take a couple hours, but the guys had decided to save him the trouble of not having a car and come to him instead.
Zac smudged his eyeliner, buckled on his studded collar, and turned away from the mirror.
“Baby?”
Adrian fussed with his sweater, adjusting it so it sat just right, then bent to grab his shoes. “I'm almost done,” he mumbled.
“That's fine. Take your time.”
Adrian tightly shook his head and went about carefully and methodically lacing his dress shoes.
Zac fidgeted. “Where are you gonna go?”
Adrian tensed, then finished tying off the laces. “I don't know.”
“You've got your phone, right?”
Adrian nodded, never taking his eyes off the floor.
“Hey,” Zac whispered. He closed the distance between them, cupped Adrian's jaw, and brushed a kiss across his lips. “I'll miss you.”
The corner of Adrian's mouth twitched. It was nowhere near a smile, but it was better than nothing.
“Alright,” Zac sighed, looking around while Adrian went to grab his backpack. All of Adrian's things were neatly put away, as always, so all Zac had to do was keep the dresser drawers and closet shut. Adrian's toiletries were all packed away in a bag and hidden under the sink, so there'd be nothing obvious like a second toothbrush lying about, and the blankets they normally kept on the couch were also stashed out of sight. Zac blew out a heavy breath, hoping this was going to work, only to give a start at the sound of a knock at his door.