by G. R. Lyons
And keeping his hands to himself while Adrian sat there, struggling, nearly falling apart, was getting harder by the day.
It would all be so much easier if they didn't have to hide, but that wasn't an option. Not yet.
Zac finished his coffee, then ducked into the library and found himself a quiet corner where he wasn't likely to be disturbed. Zac grabbed a book at random and huddled up, setting an alarm on his phone to alert him when he needed to get to class.
He let himself doze, the book propped up on his knees to make it look like he was reading, should anyone happen to pass by.
It felt like he'd no sooner closed his eyes than his phone began to vibrate in his lap. Zac gasped and sat up, scrubbing his hands over his face. He got up with a groan, put the book back where he'd found it, and trudged off to his next class.
* * *
ADRIAN CLENCHED his jaw and tightened his left hand into a fist—out of sight, in his lap—while he tried to focus on the professor, his right hand shaking as he took notes.
He wasn't going to make it. How he'd even lasted this long was beyond him. They were only a couple weeks shy of graduation, but Adrian didn't think he was going to survive those few remaining days. Not without drastic measures.
But he was at a loss for a solution. Without his pills, and trying to resist the temptation of his razor, the only thing keeping him remotely stable was sex with Zac, but even that was dwindling lately. More often than not, Zac fell asleep before they could even get started. Adrian knew why, of course. He saw how busy Zac was, trying to keep up with his work schedule and still make all his classes and get his homework done, and all of that on top of frequently having to drop everything to talk Adrian down from yet another panic attack, so it was no wonder the man was exhausted to the point of falling asleep the moment he so much as sat still for two seconds.
But Adrian needed him. Gods damn it all, he needed Zac, or he wasn't going to reach graduation without a complete breakdown the likes of which he hadn't experienced in years. The kind of breakdown that had landed him in the hospital before, heavily medicated and under psych watch to make sure he didn't hurt himself.
Or anyone else.
Fear of that was the one last shred of motivation to keep him going. He couldn't wind up there again. Not with his father's voice constantly shouting in his head about how pathetic he was, how weak, how useless to end up in such a state. Granted, the hospital had required his direct permission to lock him up in the first place. With no government on Agoran, there was no law that allowed anyone to force a man into mandatory psych watch, but Adrian had agreed to the suggestion at the time—all four times, really—only because his father had convinced him it was for his own good. The medication helped, but having doctors constantly watching him through the window into his room and then frequently questioning him had all felt so much worse than just hiding out in a corner of his bedroom at home.
Still, he knew that was where he was headed. If something didn't happen soon, he'd have to be hospitalized for sure, and where would that leave him? Failing out of school right at the end? Right when he was so close to graduation?
And to have Zac see him sink that low…
Adrian sucked in a breath and held it, tightening his hand on his pen as he tried to maintain concentration for the last few minutes of class. He couldn't bear the thought of Zac seeing him locked up like that. Tied to a bed. Sedated. Watched like a lab rat.
Pathetic. Weak.
But there was nothing he could do. Without his pills, he simply didn't have the willpower to last on his own. If only Zac could do something. What, exactly, he wasn't sure, but something. Anything to keep him from totally losing his mind right there in the middle of class.
Yet Zac couldn't do anything. Wouldn't do anything. Not when it would risk outing them as being something more than just study partners, right there in front of all their classmates.
If only they didn't have to hide. Hells, Adrian was already out to his father, and there was no one else in his life who mattered enough to hide the truth from. He really didn't care if anyone else knew. Then again, people had jokingly called him a fag for years, ever since he was old enough to know what the word meant. He might as well have simply been out his entire life, except for the fact that he couldn't let his father find out, knowing what would happen.
But now that his father knew, what was the point in hiding anymore?
Other than for Zac's sake, of course. Zac wasn't ready to be out, and Adrian was trying his damnedest to honor that, but with his control slipping more by the day, it was becoming harder to care. He needed Zac to touch him. Talk to him. Breathe with him. Hells, he'd take Zac just looking at him, but the man wouldn't even do that half the time.
Finally, just about the moment Adrian thought he couldn't hold on any longer, the professor called an end to class, and noise erupted all around as students hurried to pack up their things.
Adrian carefully capped his pen, closed his notebook, and slowly put everything away. By the time he was finished, he was the last one in the room.
Even Zac was gone.
Adrian took a few shuddering breaths, grabbed his bag, and shuffled out the door.
ZAC HURRIED out of the classroom while Adrian wasn't looking. He had to get out of there. It was all he could do to resist simply grabbing Adrian and pulling him into his arms to try to calm him down, and he certainly couldn't do that in front of everyone.
He got to his car, threw himself into the driver's seat, and sat back with a sigh. He hated watching Adrian fall apart, but he had no idea what to do about it. The man simply couldn't function without his pills.
Zac groaned and scrubbed his hands over his face, then started his car. At that point, he really had no choices left. He was going to have to borrow some money and see about buying Adrian some pills. Otherwise, he didn't see how the man was going to survive through graduation.
But he doubted it would be as simple as walking into any old pharmacy and walking out with a bottle in hand. Getting the money was one thing. Getting the right pills was an entirely different matter, and that was assuming the pharmacist would even sell them to him.
Zac took a detour and headed across town to see if he could catch Ryley or Vic before they left the office, wondering all the while how Adrian was managing in getting home on the shuttle.
He reached the office for Sturmwyn Insurance and pulled around to their parking lot. Just his luck, Vic and Ryley were there, clearly about to leave for the day. Zac parked and got out, heading over to where the couple were standing between their cars, clearly arguing about something.
“I'm just saying you should get it checked out,” Vic insisted. He spotted Zac and gave him a nod of greeting, but the argument didn't stop there.
“Vic, there is nothing wrong with me,” Ryley countered.
“Come on, Ry, you've gotta admit it's at least a little worrisome.”
“Are we really going over this again? Vic, I'm fine–”
“But you're not, Ry. I mean, the flashing lights were one thing, but now with the–”
“Baby, please, please,” Ryley begged. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and sighed, looking up at Vic and clasping his hands together. “Can't we just let it go?”
“No, we can't,” Vic ground out, practically fuming. “You've been ignoring this for years now–”
“Maybe it just doesn't matter–”
“How could it not matter?” Vic yelled. “For gods' sakes, Ry–”
“Hey!” Zac shouted. Vic and Ryley both turned to look at him. Zac groaned and scrubbed a hand over his face. “Can't you two save it for home?”
Vic glanced around, his mouth settling into a grim line as he gave a sharp nod and looked at Ryley. “We can talk about this later.” He turned toward his car.
“So I'll see you at home?” Ryley asked.
Vic paused, then shook his head as he turned to look at Ryley again. “I think I need to be alone tonight.” He hesitated,
looking like he wanted to say something else, then shook his head again and got into his car without so much as a goodbye.
Zac and Ryley watched him drive away, then Ryley let out a sigh. “Sorry you had to see that. What's up?”
Zac ran his hands through his hair, now even more wound up since he'd caught his friends arguing. “I need help,” he said, forcing the words out before he could change his mind.
“Yeah, sure, babe. Anything.”
Zac took a steadying breath, then looked around before lowering his voice to ask, “If I was able to get the money, do you think a pharmacy would be able to sell me Adrian's pills?”
Ryley's eyebrows went up. “Eh, depends on what they're for, I would imagine. And the pharmacy's specific policies. Plus any restrictions listed by his doctor–”
Zac held up a hand, groaning. “Alright, I get it.” He sighed and looked away.
“What's up, babe? You look frazzled.”
“Yeah, no shit.”
“Come on.” Ryley put an arm around his shoulders. “Let's go have a drink and talk.”
Zac shook his head. “I've gotta get home. So much work to do–”
“Zac. Come on. One drink. Just sit still for a few minutes. You look like you could use it.”
Zac hesitated, then finally gave a nod.
“Come on,” Ryley said, steering him toward his car. “I'll drive, and I'll bring you back here when we're done.”
Zac got into Ryley's car, then sat back and closed his eyes while Ryley drove them to a quiet bar a few blocks away. They got settled in at a booth in the back corner, each with a beer in hand, and sat in silence for a few minutes while Zac tried to simply slow down.
“So…” Ryley began.
“So.” Zac nodded to himself, his leg bouncing under the table. Instead of talking about Adrian, though, he tried for a distraction, latching on to the first thing that came to mind. “What was all that about? With Vic, I mean.”
Ryley breathed a laugh. “Oh, no, we didn't come here to talk about me.” Then Ryley shook his head and shrugged. “Vic thinks I might be a mage.”
Zac choked on his beer. Once he caught his breath, he stared across the table at Ryley, his eyes wide. “A mage?”
Ryley nodded.
“As in,” Zac went on, “magic and spells and shit?”
Ryley shrugged.
Zac gaped at him. “Where did that come from?”
Ryley took a sip of his beer and shrugged again. “Just…weird things that happen. Things I can't explain.”
“But…you would have known, right? I mean, don't they, like, come for you as a kid or something?”
“Yeah, so I've heard, but…Honestly, I don't care. So what if I am? It's not like I'm gonna drop everything and run off to Jadu'n,” Ryley continued, naming the Isle where the magi lived and trained. “I like my life as it is. But Vic thinks it might be dangerous if I don't learn to control it.” He paused. “Assuming I even am one, which I doubt.”
Zac stared at him, then chugged the rest of his beer and set the bottle down with a thunk. First Ryley's cheating, and now he might have magical powers? “I'm gonna need another drink.”
Ryley snorted a laugh, then finished his own beer. “I'll second that. Be right back.” He jumped up and snatched away their empty bottles, returning a few moments later with fresh ones.
Zac took a few swallows, still trying to process Ryley's words, when Ryley cut into his thoughts.
“So what about these pills?” Ryley asked, giving Zac a significant look, one that said he wasn't going to allow the conversation to derail again.
Zac sighed and set down his beer.
“They're for…”
“Your friend,” Ryley supplied with a nod.
“Yeah.” Zac gave him a grateful smile. “Something to do with his anxiety. He ran out after he came to live with me, and I haven't been able to afford to buy more for him. But he's having a really hard time dealing without them. So, I figure, if I can get the money, and I go buy them…”
He trailed off, and Ryley nodded thoughtfully, sipping at his beer.
“If you had the money, couldn't you just take him to get them himself?” Ryley asked.
Zac shook his head, then shrugged. “Maybe? But it's just about all he can do to make himself leave the apartment to go to class. He doesn't go anywhere else. I'm not sure he'd hold up.”
“Well, we can certainly try,” Ryley said, “and if that doesn't work, we can convince him to come with us another time.”
Zac blinked. “We?”
“Of course.” Ryley looked at him. “What, you didn't think I wasn't going to help you, did I? Zac, I'm your friend, and I've got the pull of an insurance agent. Between the two of us, we could probably manage it alone. I can spare the money, no problem.”
Zac stared at him, then looked down, twirling his beer bottle between his hands, trying to buy himself a moment. “Thank you,” he finally said. “I'll pay you back, of course, just as soon as I can.”
“I know.” Ryley smiled at him. “Now, first of all, we'll need to know which pharmacy he uses.” Zac nodded along, making mental notes. “His doctor's name would help, too. The name of the drug. What dose he takes.”
“Wouldn't the pharmacy have all that?” Zac asked.
“They will,” Ryley said, “but I'm going to be going in there, basically lying and pretending I'm his agent, so I'll need as much information as possible to pull that off.”
“Shit.” Zac sat back. “Ry, I don't want you lying for me.”
Ryley shrugged. “It's not gonna hurt anybody, and it'll help him.”
Zac scrubbed his hands over his face and sighed. “Alright, fine. Just…I don't want you getting in trouble over this.”
Ryley waved a hand dismissively. “Don't worry. It'll be fine.”
“If you're sure…”
Ryley nodded.
Zac blew out a breath. “When do we do this?”
Ryley checked his watch. “Hmmm. Most pharmacies would probably be closed by now. What's your schedule like tomorrow?”
“Uh.” Zac thought. “I've got work from nine to six.”
Ryley whistled. “You're on your feet that long?”
Zac shrugged. “Gotta pay the bills.”
“Ouch. Alright, how about before that? I don't have any cases or appointments first thing, so we could go at eight and you could still get to work on time.”
Zac nodded. The sooner they got this done, the better. “Works for me. And tell me what I owe you for your time– Shit. This isn't even your area, is it?”
“Alright, first of all,” Ryley began, sitting forward, “I'm doing this for you. Off the clock. So you won't owe me a thing. Secondly, no, it's not my specialty, but I am trained in insurance in general, so I can manage. Might be an interesting change of pace from dealing with dead bodies all the time.”
Zac shuddered. “Dude, I still don't see how you handle that. I would be freaking out.”
“What, examining murder scenes and watching autopsies?” Ryley teased. Then he shrugged. “I couldn't do what Vic does. Rescuing kids from abusive situations? Gods, I went with him on a retrieval once, and the look on this poor kid's face, seeing how fragile he was, how much his spirit had been destroyed by the abuse…” He trailed off and shivered.
Zac finished his beer, thinking. “You think Vic could help Ade? I mean, he wasn't beaten or anything…”
“Vic sees just as much mental abuse as physical,” Ryley told him. “So, yeah, I bet he could, if you asked him.”
Zac nodded to himself. He'd have to run that by Adrian. He got the impression Ade hadn't done well in any sort of therapy situation before, but he'd heard Vic was really good at what he did. Maybe he'd be the one to get through to him.
Before they left, Zac and Ryley got a quick bite to eat so they'd be safe to drive by the time they left, then Ryley drove Zac back to his car, and Zac headed home. He had so much homework to do, but he doubted he'd get any of it done that nig
ht. He'd have to see in what state he found Adrian, first.
Zac let himself into the apartment and set down his bag. “Ade?”
He heard a low cry in response, and found Adrian curled up on the floor in the washroom, his razor clutched in his hand. Zac froze, looking him over. Adrian hadn't cut himself yet, but it looked like he was about to completely lose it.
“Ade, baby, look at me.” Zac crouched at his side and slowly reached out to rest a hand on Adrian's shoulder, making him flinch. “Baby, it's alright. I'm here.”
Adrian gasped for breath, his body curling in tighter.
Zac just managed to stifle a sigh of frustration. Taking a deep, calming breath, he forced his voice to stay low and soothing as he rested a hand on Adrian's fist, the one holding the razor. “Baby, why don't you let me have that, alright?”
Adrian shook his head fiercely.
“Come on, baby, I don't want you hurting yourself.” Or me, for that matter.
Zac inched his fingers closer to the blade, and Adrian flinched, the razor catching on Zac's finger. Zac hissed, and Adrian gasped, immediately dropping the blade.
“I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,” Adrian cried.
“Shhh, shhh, it's fine,” Zac said, trying to soothe him as he snatched up the razor and pushed it out of reach.
“I'm so sorry.”
“I know, babe. It's alright. Just an accident. I'm fine.”
Adrian tightly shook his head.
Zac shifted around, wrapping his arms around the big guy, and rested their foreheads together. “Come on. Breathe with me. You know how.”
Adrian struggled for a long while, fighting against Zac—more like fighting his own mind, Zac knew—until he finally seemed to either give in or run out of energy. He sagged against Zac, closing his eyes and matching their breaths.
“That's it, baby,” Zac whispered before he blew out a sigh. “That's it.” Thank gods. He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. “Let's get you into bed.”
Adrian barely nodded, and Zac hoisted the man up off the floor, the two of them shuffling together back to the bedroom. He tumbled Adrian into bed, pulled off his shoes, and covered him up, clothes and all.