by G. R. Lyons
Zac lowered his hands to his sides and let out a sigh. “Fuck,” he breathed, shaking his head, then looked up, forcing himself to meet Adrian's eyes. “I've only ever had sex with women before I met you.”
Adrian's eyes went wide. “What?”
Zac nodded. “That's how fucking deep in the closet I am.” He laughed humorlessly. “Kade and Smitty throw these parties after our gigs, and all the groupies show up. You know, lots of drugs and alcohol–” At Adrian's shocked look, Zac broke off before adding, “I don't do drugs, babe, I swear. But, yeah, I drink a lot at those things. Kinda need it to get through them. It's like this massive, drunken orgy. Random sex with whoever's available.”
Adrian grimaced with disgust. “That's sick.”
“Yeah, I know. It makes my skin crawl, just thinking about it…but I didn't know what else to do. I can't be out to those guys yet, babe. I just can't.” He grabbed Adrian's hand. “Hey. I haven't been with anyone else since I met you. I swear. I would never do that to you.”
Adrian looked away, mumbling, “But you're gonna have to, aren't you? At some point…”
“Ade, baby, look at me.” Zac waited until Adrian met his eyes. “I'll figure something out. Some excuse. Whatever it takes. I swear to you, I won't ever let it happen again. No one but you, alright? I'm yours.”
“But then your friends will suspect…”
“Look, I know I'm gonna have to come out to them eventually. Just…not yet. I can't do it yet.” He shifted closer. “We might have a chance at a slot in this big audition concert after graduation, and if we get in, I just know we'll get picked up by someone. It's our chance to really hit it big, get a decent following and make some money. I have to do that for my family.” Adrian nodded slowly in understanding. “But if I come out now, the whole band falls apart. I can't risk that. Not yet. Besides, I've been friends with these guys since we were kids. I just…I can't imagine losing them, you know?”
Adrian frowned. “They don't sound like good friends, though,” he whispered.
Zac gave a shrugging nod. “Yeah, they're assholes, but…they're still my closest friends. We grew up together. We've been through everything together. And we've been working toward this dream for years now. I can't let it go when we might finally make it, you know? I just…It's just for a little while longer. Once I can afford to get my dad his surgery, at the very least, then I'll consider coming out. Just a little while longer.”
Adrian nodded slowly and gave him a trembling smile. “You're right.” He looked away for a moment, deep in thought, then turned back to Zac and tentatively took his hands. “Yeah, you're right. I don't want you losing everything like I did.”
Zac squeezed his hands back, sighing with relief. “It's just a little while longer, babe. We just have to hold on. But we'll make it. I know we will.”
“Yeah,” Adrian whispered, though his voice lacked conviction.
Zac nodded to himself. He was so tired of pretending and living a lie, but there was too much at stake. He only hoped Adrian would be able to hold on.
For that matter, he hoped he would be able to hold on a while longer as well. Between work, money issues, wanting to help his parents, preparing for a possible audition, gigs with both Treble and Inferno, classes, getting ready to graduate, and trying to stay in the closet, having to also take care of Adrian was pushing him close to the edge. He was going to need to catch a break, and fast, or he just might snap.
* * *
ADRIAN PACED the apartment, waiting for Zac to get home from work.
He needed help. Going without his pills was wreaking havoc on his entire body. It was all he could do to make it through a day alone at Zac's apartment while the man was at work. School days were ten times worse. He was hanging on by a thread.
And the only thing keeping him remotely sane was Zac's presence.
He continued pacing from room to room, feeling the walls seem to close in more with every step. Adrian sucked in a breath, desperate for his old home. As much as he didn't want to be back under his father's control, at least his old apartment was familiar. Not owned by him, but technically his. Now, everything was Zac's. Gods, Adrian couldn't wait to graduate and finally have some money of his own, some control, some stability.
Adrian stopped and let out a sigh. Truth be told, he did have stability. At least, as much as he could have under the circumstances. Zac had given him a roof over his head. He knew he ought to be grateful—hells, he was grateful, more than he could say—but he wasn't sure how much longer he could handle the change.
He darted for his phone and pulled up a calendar app, counting the days until graduation. Still too many. It was coming nearer every day, but he wanted it now.
Adrian set his phone aside and squeezed his eyes shut, clenching his hands into fists while he tried to catch his breath, trying with everything he had to resist going for his razor. He hated the look on Zac's face every time he cut himself. Zac never berated him for it, but the man was never quite quick enough to mask his disappointment and sympathy.
If he just had a distraction! Without his razor or his pills, the next best thing was something to occupy his mind, but there was nothing. His homework was all done. More than done. Hells, he'd even jumped ahead on their group project without telling Zac just to give himself something to do, but now he had nothing. He thought about picking up the incessant clutter, but couldn't bring himself to move Zac's things, much as he wanted to. As for cleaning, Zac had already taken care of that, keeping the place free of dust and grime even if he wasn't good at being tidy.
Adrian dropped onto the couch, trying to draw up his knees and hug them to his chest, his large frame almost too big to accomplish it. He sat there, panting and clenching his fists, wishing there was just one thing he could control.
But the only time he felt in control lately was in the bedroom, even after his disastrous experiment with bottoming. Adrian cringed at the memory. Gods, he'd been so stupid, but Zac had forgiven him.
And Zac had definitely been right about one thing: What they did, worked for them. Seeing Zac in his collar, telling the man what to do, being inside him—it was the only time Adrian really felt in control.
Adrian got up and ran for the bedroom, digging through drawers until he found Zac's collar. He ran the icy blue thing through his hands, the corner of his mouth twitching into something like a smile as he sank down onto the edge of the bed with a sigh.
Gods, how he loved to see Zac in that collar. It was only during those intimate moments that Adrian felt he was actually doing anything right.
Or was he? For as often as his father had told him he wasn't good enough, had Adrian ever done anything right in his life? Was he even screwing up this?
Clutching the collar in one fist, Adrian hunted around for Zac's beat-up old laptop and fired it up, waiting anxiously as the web browser slowly opened. Then he sat there, just staring at the screen. Where did he start? How did he go about trying to find what he was looking for?
He glanced down at the collar in his hand, then carefully set it on his lap, freeing up both hands to start typing. Feeling a blush seem to creep over his entire body, he searched for collars, then a combination of collars and sex, then wound up clicking through all sorts of horridly fascinating things he'd only ever imagined but never dared to allow himself to actually research before.
In the midst of it all, he barely noticed the sound of the door opening as Zac got home from work.
“Hey, babe,” Zac said with a weary sigh.
Adrian looked up, feeling his cheeks heat even more. “Hey.”
Zac set his things down, watching Adrian. “You alright?”
Adrian nodded and reached for the laptop to close it.
“What are you doing?” Zac asked, a smile peeking through his exhaustion.
“Nothing,” Adrian blurted.
Zac's eyebrows went up, and he darted over before Adrian could close the screen. “Whoa.” Zac blinked, then tilted his head. He paused there
, then tilted it farther until he'd bent to one side and his head was almost upside-down. “That's…wow.” He straightened. “I hate to say it, babe, but I don't think I'm that flexible.”
Adrian blushed and closed the screen. “I wasn't– I just–” He broke off with a huff of frustration.
“Hey,” Zac soothed, rubbing Adrian's arm. “Something wrong?”
Adrian grimaced and looked down, brushing his fingers along the length of Zac's collar. “Are we doing this right?” he mumbled.
“Doing what right?” Zac crouched at his side, looking up at him.
“This–” Adrian waved a hand at the collar, the laptop, the bedroom. “Any of this.”
“Who says there's a right way to do it?”
Adrian ducked his head and didn't answer.
“Hey.” Zac grabbed Adrian's hands and tugged, waiting to speak until Adrian turned to face him. “We don't have to follow any sort of rules here, alright? Why can't we just do our own thing?”
Adrian looked up from under his eyelashes, studying Zac's face. “Is that enough?”
Zac shrugged. “Sure, why not? We both want it. We're being safe. So who cares?”
Adrian glanced back at the laptop, thinking. “But what if–”
When Adrian was silent for too long, Zac asked, “Did you want to try something different?”
“No,” Adrian quickly answered, shaking his head. “No, I just…I wanted to make sure we're doing it right–”
Zac sighed, then seemed to take a moment to fight for patience before he asked, “What do you think we're doing wrong?”
Adrian shrugged, looking down at their hands and the blue collar beneath them. “It's just…everything I saw on there about collars…it seems to be this whole lifestyle with rules and…” He looked up at Zac. “I mean, do we need safewords and–”
“Babe, babe, stop,” Zac insisted. He sighed heavily, then took a deep breath and put on a smile, giving Adrian's hands a squeeze. “You like me in the collar, right?”
Adrian nodded.
“And you like telling me what to do in bed?”
Adrian nodded again.
“And spanking me?”
Adrian blushed. “Yes.”
“And fucking me?”
Adrian's blush spread. “Yes,” he whispered.
Zac grinned at him. “I like all that, too.” He shrugged. “So let's just keep doing that, yeah?”
Adrian smiled shyly and looked down again. “I don't want to hurt you.”
“You don't, babe. And if you did, I'd tell you to stop.”
Adrian looked up. “Promise?”
“Promise.”
Adrian studied his eyes, seeing the sincerity there, and gave a nod. “Alright,” he whispered.
Zac squeezed his hands and stood. “Now, I've had a hell of a day.” He gestured at the collar. “You wanna put that thing on me and give us both a little break?”
Adrian nodded, and slowly stood. Feeling a little more in control, he held the collar in one hand, and used the other to gently wrap around Zac's throat, not applying any pressure but just giving himself a sense of power. “Go take a shower,” he murmured.
Zac grinned. “Yes, sir.”
Adrian shivered with delight and released him, and Zac ran off to do as he was told, his hurry to obey flooding Adrian with a heady feeling of control.
If only the feeling could last.
Chapter 20
ZAC GOT into his car and sat back with a sigh.
Holy gods, was it ever a relief to have his car back. An expensive relief, but a relief nonetheless. Having to get about with shuttles and walking was costing him so much more time than was required to simply drive himself to work or school that it was all he could do to find time to do his schoolwork and still get a full night's sleep. And that wasn't even counting the fact that Adrian woke him most nights with some anxiety attack or nightmare.
Holy hells, he was exhausted.
Zac closed his eyes. Just for a moment, he told himself. Just a moment to slow down and rest before he had to rush off for class. This was his last term. He couldn't slack off now, not when he was finally so close to his degree. Besides, the classes were already paid for, and there were only a few weeks left in the term. If he slipped at this point and couldn't catch up in time for final exams, it would all be for nothing.
He had to hold out a little while longer, no matter how hard it might be.
But, gods, he needed a break.
Feeling himself start to doze off, Zac grabbed the steering wheel and yanked himself upright, forcing his eyes open. He took a moment to make sure he was safe to drive, then started the car and headed off, navigating the familiar streets to Denmer almost without thinking about it.
If only he could afford to cut back his work shifts. That would definitely help his sleep hours and his stress level, but not for long, since it would only make his finances tighter. He was barely affording food at this point, now having to buy enough to feed both himself and Adrian. And he refused to be late on the rent. He never had been, and he never would.
As for borrowing? A shiver ran through Zac at the thought. He saw how much his parents struggled with their debt, so he didn't want to put himself in the same situation, even if it might alleviate things temporarily. He didn't want to fall into the trap of relying on a loan, only to have things get worse and wind up even further in debt thanks to the interest. No, somehow, he'd manage.
It was either that or sacrifice schoolwork and sleep in exchange for more work hours. The only other option was to sell something, but the only things he owned that had any value whatsoever were his violin and his guitar, and those were two things he wouldn't part with for anything. His violin made him steady money at Underground, and his guitar…
Well, that was all wrapped up in his big dream. The biggest dream of his life. He was going to be a famous musician one day, he just knew it. If he could just be patient and find the right opportunity, he knew it would happen. He, Kade, and Smitty had joked about such a thing since they were kids, but it was only in the past couple years they'd really buckled down and tried to make it a reality.
They had the skills. They had the talent. And soon, with music degrees from the prestigious Denmer University, they'd be taken seriously. Not just any old punk rock band flailing about in their parents' garages. Zac was determined to make Inferno the real deal.
Of course, he had to actually get the degree first. Zac arrived at campus, parked his car, and ran to his first class, making it just in time before the professor arrived. He had to fight to stay awake through the lecture, but he managed, squinting as he took notes and hiding yawns behind his hand.
Between classes, he met up with Kade and Smitty, the former shoving a to-go cup of coffee into his hands.
“Looks like you could use this.”
Zac groaned and took a sip. “Gods, thank you for that. I'll pay you back.”
Kade waved him off. “I found a ten-piece on the ground, so–”
“Kade!” Zac scolded. He was half-tempted to throw the drink away, knowing it was paid for with stolen money, then sighed and changed his mind. It wasn't like Kade had picked someone's pocket. Still, it made him uneasy. “Do you really want us to wind up with a reputation for stealing?”
Kade scoffed. “I didn't steal it. I found it. Big difference. What? It was just there on the ground. Cold, if you must know, like it had been there all night. And it wasn't like anyone saw me, anyway.”
Zac rolled his eyes. “Whatever.” He just hoped whoever had lost it wasn't in desperate need of it.
“Dude, come on,” Kade went on. “Half the stiffs who go here are wealthy brats with trust funds, I'd bet. Not like they're gonna miss it.”
“Doesn't make it right,” Zac insisted.
Kade started to speak again, but Smitty cut in: “So, you partying with us this weekend?”
Zac took another sip and shook his head. “Sorry, man. Can't.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“Because I–” Zac broke off, about to mention he had a show at Underground that weekend, but that was something Kade and Smitty still knew nothing about. He'd managed to keep Treble a secret from them all these years, and he wasn't about to go revealing that secret now, not when they'd get on his case for hiding it.
Or worse: call him a fag for playing the violin.
Zac coughed and pounded a fist on his chest, then shook his head, trying to cover up his hesitation. “Sorry. Because I've got family stuff.”
Smitty grumbled. “You're always doing family stuff.”
“Hey, I happen to like my family, thank you very much,” Zac countered.
Kade snorted a laugh. “Only thing my parents are good for is paying my tuition.”
“Dude.” Smitty high-fived him.
Zac rolled his eyes again and took another sip of his drink. “Whatever.” It was one thing they'd never understood, growing up together. Kade and Smitty merely tolerated their families, while Zac loved his. Then again, Kade and Smitty were also from broken homes, with drunkards for parents and criminals for siblings, whereas the only real black mark on the Cinder family was Dad getting disinherited for marrying Mom. But that was an old argument between the three of them, not worth going into again. Zac jutted his chin toward the next building, which happened to be the library. “Gotta run.”
“No lunch?” Smitty asked.
Zac shook his head. “Got some research to do.”
“Lame,” Kade said with a snort, but offered a parting wave anyway.
Zac waved back, and headed for the library while his bandmates went off to lunch. He really did have some research to do, but mostly he just needed a few minutes of peace before having to face his next two classes, especially the last one with Adrian. Trying to focus on the professor while being keenly aware that Adrian was right next to him, barely holding it together, was hardly the best combination, especially when Zac couldn't do anything about it. Not without the risk of outing himself. It was bad enough he'd quietly flirted with the man those first few days of class. Since then, he'd had to pull way back in their direct interactions, keeping his eyes off the man as much as possible and limiting their conversation strictly to their project.