Marrying Jonah

by Amy Lillard

  “It’s a school day.” She didn’t bother to remind her sister that as a teacher on probation, she couldn’t afford to go flitting around town while someone else took care of her class. “If you wanted to go to town, you should have asked me Saturday. We could have shopped to our hearts’ content.”

  Annie gave a pretty pout. Like that was unusual. Everything Annie did she did better than anyone else. It was simply her nature, one of the favored. “I didn’t need to go then.” She made a sad face. “I had forgotten my time was coming.”

  Sarah’s brush stilled in her hair. How long had it been since she—

  She jumped up from the bed and rushed over to the wall calendar hanging on the back of the closet door.

  “What are you doing?” Annie asked, watching with wide eyes. But Sarah couldn’t answer. Shock sliced through her like lightning, leaving her arms and legs weak, her fingers trembling.

  She grabbed the calendar and flipped through the pages. So much time had passed since that night by the pond. How much time? One month? Two? How was she supposed to remember? How was she supposed to know? But if she couldn’t remember all the details . . . How long had it been since she had her time? A while. That was all she knew. Longer than a month? She was pretty sure. But that could mean anything. She had known couples who had tried for a baby for years and years with still no success. Just because—

  “Sarah? What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” she lied. This couldn’t be happening to her. Could not.

  “You’re as pale as a sheet. That’s not nothing.”

  “I just forgot something is all. I’m supposed to take cookies for the scholars tomorrow.” Nowhere near the truth, but perfect sister Annie didn’t need to know that.

  She shook her head. No. She was overreacting. She was worried for nothing. She had made a mistake and loved the wrong man. But that didn’t mean God would punish her for it.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive.” With slow, deliberate motions she rehung the calendar and turned back to her sister. Somehow she managed to paste an adequate smile on her face. At least she assumed it was genuine enough, for Annie stopped asking so many questions. “I’m just mad at myself for not remembering to make the cookies yesterday.”

  Annie tilted her head to one side as if studying her words from a different angle. Then she raised her shoulders in a quick shrug and hopped beneath the covers. “If you say so.”

  “I do.” Sarah took a deep breath and exhaled quietly as Annie turned over and pounded her pillow into shape.

  “Will you turn out the light?”

  “Of course.” As if led by a higher power, Sarah extinguished the light, then made her way to her bed. She was just settling down under the covers when her eyes adjusted to the darkness.

  She couldn’t allow the word to enter her mind. But it hung around the fringes, taunting her with the unknown. It had been more than a month. Probably closer to six weeks. And it wasn’t like she was regular like Annie, just one more thing her sister did better than she did. Regular or not, she knew what she had to do. But in a town the size of Wells Landing, she wasn’t sure how she was going to pull it off without everyone knowing before sundown.

  * * *

  Sarah stood in the grocery store aisle looking at box after box. They were all in pretty colors, pink, purple, and blue. School had let out a half an hour before and she only had a few more minutes before her parents started to wonder where she was. She needed to choose and get out. Before someone saw her.

  She would get the pink one. She wasn’t sure if it was any better than any of the other ones, but it claimed to give the most accurate results in half the time of the other leading brand. Not that she was in a super-big hurry to learn what a fool she had been. She took a step forward, hand out, ready to pick up the cotton candy–colored box.

  The squeak of shopping cart wheels sounded behind her. She didn’t turn to see who was coming, merely switched her attention to the other products stocked on the aisle. Something for bladder infections and an ovulation kit. Like either one of those was better.

  She cast a quick look over one shoulder only to see an English woman pushing a toddler in the basket. Sarah heaved a sigh of relief when she didn’t recognize them. The woman grabbed a package of diapers from the opposite shelves and tossed it onto the pile of groceries. She shot Sarah a quick smile, then continued down the aisle and turned the corner out of sight.

  Sarah turned back to the rectangular boxes. Pink. Yes, she was definitely going with the pink one.

  As quickly as possible, she snatched it off the shelf and hurried to the front counter. The checkout girl she had seen a hundred times. Her name was Kelsey and she was a senior at the high school. She was a nice girl, but Sarah knew she was bored in her job and talked to the customers way too much. If she went through Kelsey’s line, her purchase would be all over the district before sundown.

  She had never used the self-checkout before, but it was never too early to learn something new. Wasn’t that what she was always telling her students?

  She walked up to the counter studying the screen. She might just be an Amish girl, but she could do this.

  Touch screen to start.

  Sarah reached out trembling fingers and brushed them across the smooth television-looking device. Then she jumped as a voice spoke.

  “Please scan first item.”

  Scan? Scan how? Then she remembered how the checkout girl would wave the products over the glass piece on the counter. She tried it, and thankfully it beeped on the first try. From there, it was a simple matter of stuffing the offending box into the sack and following the directions on how to deposit her money. As quickly as possible, she retrieved her change and receipt.

  “Thank you.” The security guard smiled at her as she started for the door. Had he seen what she had purchased? Did he know she was unmarried? Was he passing judgment on her as she nodded and walked by?

  She pulled those thoughts in. There was no way for him to tell if she was married or single. Most Englishers knew that men grew beards when they married, but most had no idea of all the rules associated with aprons, apron colors, and what distinguished an unmarried woman from a married one. He couldn’t know. He just couldn’t.

  Sarah tucked her package behind her seat and hopped on her tractor. She would put it in her dress, under her apron, and sneak it into the house and . . .

  No. She would be better off to stop at the gas station on the edge of town and use their restroom.

  The small cinder-block room reeked of urine and toilet bowl cleaner. The dual scent was nauseating and strange. Sarah let herself in with the key given to her by the attendant and locked the door behind herself. Thankfully she wouldn’t have to buy anything in order to use the restroom. She didn’t need gas and she couldn’t stomach any food or drinks. Her throat was tight, her belly flip-flopping. She knew it was merely nerves, but she wasn’t sure how much more of it she could take. Her heart had been pounding in her ears ever since she had stepped out of the grocery store.

  She took a deep breath and surveyed her reflection in the water-speckled mirror. She didn’t look any different than she did any other day. Yet today could very well be life-altering. She was going to take the little box she’d bought at the grocery store, take the test, and see if she was pregnant.

  She could barely stand the word in her private thoughts. She couldn’t be pregnant. She just couldn’t. But there was only one way to find out.

  Her fingers flitted over her prayer kapp, then she reached for the plastic sack. She stuffed it in the trash and turned the box over in her hands. Her fingers trembled as she opened one end. There were instructions, written in English on one side and what looked to be Spanish on the other. Sarah scanned them. She had to pee on the little stick, wait two minutes, then she would have her answer.

  She was a little nervous, peeing on something so small. But it seemed to be the way these things worked.

  Somehow despite the
tremor in her hands, she managed to get the second packaging open. There were two tests inside, but surely she could get it right the first time. She sucked in another breath and made her way to the toilet.

  It was definitely tricky, but she managed to hit the mark. She finished her business and took the little plastic wand to the sink and laid it there. Now she had to wait for two minutes. Two full minutes. She didn’t have a watch on, so she counted. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, on and on. One hundred and twenty seconds shouldn’t have taken so long.

  Thankfully no one came knocking on the door wanting to know what she was doing inside.

  It was time. She squeezed her eyes tight and reached for the little wand. Please God, she prayed as she opened her eyes and stared into the little window. Please.

  Chapter Four

  Sarah pulled her tractor to a stop. She could do this. She could.

  She took a deep breath, then climbed down. Her gaze swung to the house, but all was still. She hoped he was home. Maybe she should have called to see before she drove all the way over. But if she called, then he would want to know why, and she wasn’t prepared to tell him. And yet here she stood, palms sweaty, mouth dry. She started for the door of the house.

  Someone must have seen her pull up. There was movement in the window, then the front door opened. Jonah stepped out onto the porch.

  “What are you doing here?” he asked.

  He looked the same as he always did, handsome despite the frown that marred his features. It was the expression he most used when he was around her. Except for that one night . . .

  The wind stirred his straw-colored hair as his tawny maple syrup eyes narrowed.

  “I need to talk to you.” That was the one line she had practiced. The rest, she wasn’t so sure about. Especially not with him glaring at her like she was the last person he wanted to see. She supposed that she was.

  “Now?”

  She had to remain strong. As much as it pained her, she had to keep her chin up and her backbone straight. She couldn’t let him see how much his annoyance hurt her. “It’s important.”

  He looked back at the door as if someone was waiting for him. Another girl? Had he finally decided to move on from his heartbreak? “Okay, fine.” He shut the door behind himself and loped down the steps to her side.

  She tried not to wilt with relief. There was still too much ground to cover to let her guard down now.

  “Do you want to walk?” she asked. She kept her eyes forward and didn’t let them stray toward the field of corn to her right, or more specifically, the copse of trees that hid Millers’ Pond from view.

  “Not really.” He shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants and eyed her uncomfortably.

  She looked back at the house. The Miller home was full. Jonah had three brothers and two sisters, and only one had moved out. Hannah had married Will Lapp last year. They had lived with the Millers for a while as tradition dictated, but had moved into their own home earlier in the year. That left four siblings plus his mother and father to overhear her shame.

  “Let’s walk over here.” She started across the yard toward the small barn where they kept their horses. One must have heard them coming. The sound of his snort and his hooves pawing at the ground carried to her on the light breeze.

  “What’s wrong with you, Sarah?” He followed behind her. She could hear the reluctance in his steps.

  Oh, the mistakes she had made.

  What was wrong with her? “I think you know.”

  He shook his head, lips pressed together. He was going to make her say it, lay all of her shame out in the open for him to see. But it’s not just your fault. He was a part of this. He’d had just as much responsibility for the outcome as she had. And yet the church wouldn’t view it the same.

  “I’m . . . I’m pregnant.” She turned toward him to see if he heard.

  But Jonah just stood there, his expression confused, dumbfounded even. “Jonah?”

  It was as if she hadn’t spoken his name at all.

  How could two people be so dumb? How could they be so careless? But that wasn’t even the worst of it. No, by far the worst was she knew in her heart that Jonah wanted nothing to do with her. He had avoided her from the time he had dropped her off at her house that fateful night until this very moment. And now? Now everything had changed.

  “What?” He jerked his gaze from the ground back to her.

  “Did you hear what I said?” It had been the hardest words for her to say. Ever. Please don’t make me say them again. Please, please, please don’t make me say them again.

  He opened his mouth, closed it again, then somehow managed to speak. “You are? You’re sure? Is it . . . ? I mean—”

  “Of course I’m sure. Do you think I would be standing here if I wasn’t?” What kind of person did he think she was? What kind of person was she that she had allowed herself to get in this predicament?

  “I don’t know.”

  “I’m going to pretend that you didn’t say that.” It might’ve been different if things between them had been . . . different. But they weren’t. Somehow in a moment of weakness the two of them . . . And now . . .

  “What are we going to do?”

  It was perhaps the most intelligent thing he had said since she delivered her news.

  But he wanted her to say it? How could she?

  His eyes were blank, his mouth slack as if he were in shock. But how did he think she felt? She’d been walking around with this information for three days before she managed to get over here to talk to him. Three days of not being able to look anyone in her family in the eye. Three days of praying that it wasn’t true. Three days of bargaining with God for a different solution.

  But one didn’t exactly make deals with God, and here she stood with only one option available that would help her save face, recover the faith and the standing in the community that she was about to lose.

  “Jonah?”

  “I need some time, Sarah.” He turned as if he was about to walk away.

  Her heart gave a painful thump in her chest. “We don’t have much time.”

  He stopped. He knew what she said was true. It had been over a month already. Many more weeks and their secret wouldn’t be a secret any longer.

  “Tomorrow,” he said, his voice strangled. “Give me until tomorrow. Come back then.”

  “I can’t get another day off from school.” She hated the tone of her voice, the hint of a whine that had crept in. She couldn’t wait any longer. She just couldn’t, but what she said was true. She had barely gotten this day off to come here. Her teaching job was already teetering in the balance. And of course this would push it completely over the edge. She could hear them now. Unfit to teach the scholars of the district.

  He hesitated. She could see it in his eyes. This wasn’t what either of them wanted.

  Tears stung the back of her throat despite her vow not to cry. But there were too many things gone wrong, too much to recover from. She would lose her job, force Jonah to marry her, and deal with the shame that everyone in Wells Landing knew what they had done.

  Yes, they would be forgiven. That was always the way. And she had wanted to marry Jonah for so long. But not like this. Never like this.

  * * *

  His breath was stuck somewhere in the middle of his chest, unable to actually get to his lungs. He couldn’t inhale. He couldn’t exhale. He could only stand and look at her. A strange buzzing started in his ears.

  Sarah was pregnant.

  Everyone in the district knew that she had had a crush on him since before they left school. And now they would know that he took advantage of her feelings for him on one warm September night.

  Marrying Sarah was the last thing he wanted to do. He had never wanted to marry anyone but Lorie. Once she was off the list of options, he didn’t think he would ever get married. He hadn’t really thought about it, instead existing day to day, night to night, just trying to go forward. One
foot in front of the other. One day at a time, and all those other encouraging things people said to get through a crisis. Say a prayer. He had prayed. Maybe not enough. That was the one thing he should’ve done more of.

  “Jonah?”

  He jerked his gaze back to her.

  Her eyes were soft, misty with tears. This wasn’t any easier on her. In fact, it might even be harder. He was a man, and people tended to forget the indiscretions of men, the sleights of faith and their mistakes, a lot easier than they did for the womenfolk.

  “Just give me tonight, Sarah. Give me a day to get used to the idea. We need to make a plan to tell our parents.” What was he going to tell them? The truth was the only thing. But how could he explain how he had stumbled across Sarah walking down the road? An angry Sarah who hadn’t told him all the nice words about how wonderful he was and how terrible Lorie was. Sarah who laid it all out. A Sarah who, in that moment, had intrigued him. And in that moment of weakness, he had taken advantage of her innocence, her affections, her devotion to him.

  “Just come back tomorrow,” he said. “We’ll figure everything out then.”

  He ignored the bruised look in her eyes and turned away, stalking back to the house.

  Thousands of thoughts tumbled over inside his head. Beginning with what would he tell his parents? What would they say?

  Would he and Sarah have to get married? Did they really have to?

  That last one he knew the answer to, even if he didn’t like it. Of course they did. Getting married would begin the forgiveness and healing for the community.

  He stomped up the porch steps and into the house, careful not to let the door slam behind him. As usual his household was a loud mixture of shouting voices and sounds of living.

  “Jonah?” His mother came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron. Gertie Miller was as round as she was tall, but to Jonah that just meant she gave the best hugs. Right now he could use one of those, but he was afraid if she touched him at all he would completely fall apart.