Moon Over Minneapolis
Page 8
I tell you something, Linda, these places are mad-houses. Never, never plead the balance of your mind is disturbed in court: get a prison sentence and relax, and wait for time to pass and one day you’ll be free. Once you’re in a secure hospital, you may never get out at all, and they fill the women up with so many tranquillizers, you may never be fit to. The drugs give you brain damage. But I reckon I’m all right; my hands tremble a bit, and my mouth twitches sometimes, but it’s not too bad. And I’m still me, aren’t I. Eddie’s fine—they don’t give men so much, sometimes none at all. Only you never know what’s in the tea. But you can’t be seen not drinking it, because that’s paranoia.
Eddie says I should sue the barrister, with his fine talk of therapy and treatment in Broadmoor, but I reckon I won’t. Once you’ve been in you’re never safe. They can pop you back inside if you cause any trouble at all, and they’re the ones who decide what trouble is. So we keep our mouths shut and our noses clean, we ex-inmates of Broadmoor.
Are you sure that man’s not watching? Is there something wrong with us? Eddie? You’re not wearing your earring, are you? Turn your head. No, that’s all right. We look just like everyone else. Don’t we? Is my lipstick smudged? Christ, I hate wearing it. It makes my eyes look small.
At the clinical disco! They hold them at Broadmoor every month. Lots of the men in there are sex offenders, rapists, mass murderers, torturers, child abusers, flashers. The staff like to see how they’re getting on, how they react to the opposite sex, and on the morning of the disco Sister turns up and says ‘you go’ and ‘you’ and ‘you’ and of course you can’t say no, no matter how scared you are. Because you’re supposed to want to dance. And the male staff gee up the men—hey, look at those titties! Wouldn’t you like to look up that skirt—and stand by looking forward to the trouble, a bit of living porno, better than a blue film any day. And they gee up the women too: wow, there’s a handsome hunk of male: and you have to act interested, because that’s normal: if they think you’re a lezzie you never get out. And the men have to act interested, but not too interested. Eddie and I met at the clinical disco, acting just gently interested. Eddie felt up my titties, and I rubbed myself against him and the staff watched and all of a sudden he said ‘Hey, I mean really,’ and I said ‘Hi,’ and he said ‘Sorry about this, keep smiling,’ and I said, ‘Ditto, what are you in for?’ and he said ‘I got a job as a woman teacher. Six little girls framed me. But I love teaching, not little girls. There was just no job for a man,’ and I believed him: nobody else ever had. And I told him about my mum and my ex, and he seemed to understand. Didn’t you, Eddie! That’s love, you see. Love at first sight. You’re just on the other person’s side, and if you can find someone else like that about you, everything falls into place. We were both out in three months. It didn’t matter for once if I wore lipstick, it didn’t matter to him if he had to watch blue films: you stop thinking that acting sane is driving you mad: you don’t have not to cry because you stop wanting to cry: the barking and howling and screeching stop worrying you; I guess when you’re in love you’re just happy so they have to turn you out; because your being happy shows them up. If you’re happy, what does sane or insane mean, what are their lives all about? They can’t bear to see it.
Linda, it’s been great meeting you. Eddie and I are off home now. I’ve talked too much. Sorry. When we’re our side of our front door I scrub off the make-up and get into jeans and he gets into drag, and we’re ourselves, and we just hope no one comes knocking on the door to say, hey that’s not normal, back to Broadmoor, but I reckon love’s a talisman. If we hold on to that we’ll be okay.
Pumpkin Pie
THIS IS A STORY for Thanksgiving. Pay good attention or there won’t be many more—and I mean Thanksgivings, not stories. The rich have got to come to some accommodation with the poor—and by that I don’t mean provide housing (though I can see that might help) but ‘to accommodate’ in its old sense: that is to say recognize, come towards, incorporate, compromise.
Otherwise, I tell you, next year or the year after, there’ll be poison in the packet of mix for the pumpkin piecrust and not only that: some person will step out of the shadows and knife you as you stop your car for once outside, not inside, your high-security garage, the better to take the giant pumpkin for the filling out of the boot. That person will be your conscience. How much do you think they paid the man who grew the pumpkin? Enough to live on? Enough to pay a doctor to get the pesticide out of his lungs? Of course not. Are you still listening? Or have you turned the music up? One of the things you should never do in the presence of the rich, I know, is to mention the problems of the poor. It is in the worst possible taste. Almost as bad as suggesting to the rich that that is what they are—rich. Well, it’s understandable. The hearts of the rich bleed for the poor, of course they do, but what can they do about any of it? Bleed to death?
Look, I don’t want you to share your pumpkin pie. The poor make pumpkin pie just as well as the rich—given a sink, of course, an oven, some ingredients and a scrap of energy left over from survival—and probably make it better, usually belonging to some immigrant community in which the tradition of home-cooking still lives. This is no compensation for being poor, mind you. I am not of Solzhenitsyn’s opinion, when he reckoned that the piece of dry bread saved against all the odds by Ivan Denisovitch in the labour camp tasted better than a rich man’s feast. No.
Take Antoinette for example. Antoinette was the maid up at the Marvin household. The Marvins were once of banker stock but now owned shopping malls and theme parks in the West. They weren’t particularly nouveau riche or vulgar: they had books on the shelves, and a good painting or two on the walls, and the ballgames stayed silent on the giant screens all through Thanksgiving dinner. The house was on many levels, true, with an indoor swimming pool and a workout room full of wonderful metallic shapes, and thin elegant trees growing through glass tables as if indoors were the same as out; and it was built for the family by the family, custom-built with an eye for detail, and it had high steel fences and a barred steel gate which slid aside gracefully for known and named guests, and kept the poor, the hungry and the angry out. This year Thanksgiving dinner was to be buffet-style, that is to say eaten on the lap not around the table. Antoinette’s family—she had raised seven children without benefit of live-in or maintaining husband—would not have thanked her for requiring them to eat their food on their laps. But Honey Marvin, who liked everything just perfect, had decided that was how Thanksgiving would be—a buffet. Sit-down dinners were old-fashioned and clumsy, and her husband, John Junior, might take the opportunity to eat and drink too much, against the nutritionist’s advice. Antoinette and Claire, the Cordon Bleu girl, could surely manage a buffet; only eleven guests this year anyway, which with family meant thirteen—thirteen; that really got Honey going: it took both her familiar psychiatrist and her new fortune-teller to calm her down about thirteen. Sometimes Honey confessed to guests that she’d really rather not entertain at all: she couldn’t endure it: you either asked the wrong people, or you forgot one or other of the right people; and John Junior would sulk, and not say a word to anyone, or John Junior would not sulk, and say too much. She would make the cranberry sauce herself and everything else would be home-made by the staff.
So there would be no day off for Antoinette. Antoinette knew better than to ask: asking would be spoiling the spirit of the occasion. It wasn’t all bad—she would be allowed to take home the leftovers and there would be plenty, twice as much as anyone could possibly need because Honey Marvin was like that. Well, not exactly ‘allowed to take home’—she would be presented with a basket of prettily wrapped cold turkey legs (Texas the guard dog was hand-fed the white meat) and cold sweet-potato patties.
‘Oh thank you, ma’am. Isn’t that real pretty!’
‘But we’re so obliged to you, Antoinette. What would we do without you? You’re part of the family. Here, you’re forgetting the chocolate-chip cookies. Don’t dream of l
eaving the chocolate-chip cookies behind!’
Ma’am was always desperate to get the cookies out of the house: otherwise she might succumb and eat them and then she’d have to do an extra couple of hours’ workout penance. She was as thin as a praying mantis; hold up her mean little hand to the light and you could see right through it; if she ate anything not Pritikin the whole meaning of her life was gone. She’d have hysterics if there was a drop of oil in the lemon dressing on the spinach salad, yet sometimes whole walnut cakes would vanish from the fridge overnight, and that couldn’t be John Junior because since his operation John Junior only got about in a wheelchair and anyway since John Junior Marvin’s operation the fridge was a special new make with a lock on it and Honey Marvin had the key. Honey Marvin just threw the old fridge out: Antoinette would have liked it but she wasn’t going to ask. It would have been too tall for her kitchen, of course, but she could have put it on its side, or in the yard. Mr Junior had had a triple bypass three months back and now finally Honey had him eating the way she did, though sometimes John Junior fought back, as well as a man in a wheelchair can fight back. Antoinette was sorry for him but not all that sorry.
Antoinette took out the family silver for Thanksgiving and hand-polished it as Honey Marvin wanted her to do, though it had been done when she put it away after the summer party, and wrapped in tissue since then, but there you were, that was Honey Marvin for you. Things had to be done just right. Honey Marvin spent $500 on an all-white table centrepiece, then decided she hated it, threw it in pieces round the room, changed decorators, and got in a centrepiece which cost $1,250. She didn’t like that one either but said she wasn’t going to waste any more money on stupid things like centrepieces when bits of old tree would do.
‘What do you think, Antoinette? You must have thoughts.’
‘I think it’s real pretty, ma’am.’
‘It’s certainly very bright, if that’s what you mean. Well, they’re the in decorators. God knows why.’
And then everything in the dining room had to be changed; the pale furniture moved out to the rumpus-room: the strong-coloured pieces from the covered patio brought in to match the centrepiece, and still it wasn’t right. Hired movers and cleaners came and went. Then Claire called the day before Thanksgiving to say she was sick and was fired on the spot for lack of loyalty and love: she’d posted a doctor’s certificate from Honey’s own physician—crawled to the post with it, or so she said—but it was Claire’s manner on the phone which really upset Honey. Which meant Antoinette had to do all the cooking, even the cranberry sauce because Honey’s hand developed neuralgia, she was under such a strain; and at Thanksgiving you really can’t use caterers. Apart from anything else, they’d cheat. They wouldn’t keep everything cholesterol-free. Especially the pumpkin pie. For cholesterol-free pumpkin pie you use a fat-free crust and the filling’s made with white of egg, not whole of egg.
And meanwhile, at home, Cheri, Antoinette’s nineteen-year-old married daughter, the one who’d just had a C-section baby, had turned up weeping with a black eye. Her husband’s parents had said she should go back to work straight away and she’d said she couldn’t, she was weak from the operation, and the debts were mounting up; but they were so young, the pair of them. Antoinette knew if she could just talk to them—but she had to be at work by six to get the turkey in the oven so it could be cold enough for supper because one of Honey’s friends had read you should never chill a turkey in the fridge, only at room temperature. Fortunately Honey Marvin didn’t have many friends. Antoinette had noticed this. She’d have guests, but they weren’t what Antoinette would call friends. Honey gave them a lot of presents, tiny little things, silver or gold, cute, beautifully wrapped. Antoinette had at one time saved the paper and smoothed it and taken it home for the kids to make collages with, but she’d had a memo from Mr Marvin’s office to all staff saying ‘no domestic accoutrements, even when apparently discarded, were to be removed from the dwelling’, which she and Juanita next door had finally deciphered as meaning Honey didn’t like her taking the paper home and she’d better stop or else. Honey never raised her voice or got mad at you; she was the sweetest thing. Everyone said so, especially John Junior. Well, he had to. He was trapped. He didn’t speak too well either. Antoinette reckoned he’d had a stroke as well as a bypass but no one was saying. Sometimes Honey flipped and someone got fired, and stayed fired, but mostly she spoke soft and memos got sent from the office.
That’s enough of that. You get the picture? Whose side are you on, I wonder? The employers or the hired help? The rich or the poor? Have I loaded the scales? No. You wish I had, but I haven’t. Who are you identifying with? Honey Marvin, Antoinette, Cheri’s husband, or John Junior? A bit of all of them? I hope so. That way progress lies. If it hurts, it heals.
Anyway, this Thanksgiving there was Antoinette working a sixteen-hour day worried stiff about Cheri—though at least Juanita was helping with the baby, her first grandchild—and the two boys still at home—thirteen and fourteen—would have to move over and share a bed and she was not there to handle any of it, keep things smooth, she even wondered if she should call off sick too, but if she was fired, then what? They stuck together, the ladies who lived in big houses, the kind which had steel doors to let you into the property, remotely controlled from the house. They’d call Honey and Honey would say, ‘She just wasn’t into the spirit of the household. She let me down when I needed her most,’ and then what could Antoinette do? A dumpy 45-year-old Latino with a scar down the side of her face, so she needed to keep to the kitchen, wasn’t right for opening doors and smiling? If she had time she’d get herself to college and learn English properly, but with seven kids and Honey Marvin what could she do? And now Cheri was back with baby Gerry, who was cute; and if they wanted to stay they’d have to stay. Who could afford housing?
Antoinette had the turkey in the slow oven—basted in yoghurt, not oil—and the cholesterol-free pumpkin pie in the fast oven. She gave the stripped turkey skin (the fat in poultry is always just beneath the skin) to Texas the guard dog to calm him down: if he got hungry he was likely to bite: she’d had to have stitches twice and was now known as ‘not good with Texas’. Honey Marvin liked a spotless kitchen whenever she walked into it, so Antoinette kept the pots and pans cleaned up as she went.
Honey Marvin walked in and said, ‘You are a treasure, Antoinette, coping with thirteen single-handed; why have you taken your shoes off? We have to be so careful about hygiene, what with Mr Marvin’s special requirements. Please put them on again.’ So Antoinette did, though they hurt in a way that soft leather shoes don’t; and just as well, because Texas squatted and crapped there and then, as he often did when Honey Marvin came in. Honey Marvin needed Texas to protect her at night in her great big house on many levels—now that John Junior slept soundly at last, on sleeping pills—but she’d have done without him if she could. She just ignored him and walked out, so Antoinette cleared it up.
Honey Marvin came back presently and said, ‘I remember now. There’s a phone call for you on the rumpus-room extension. Don’t be too long. It’s Thanksgiving, after all, and John Junior and I are calling all our friends and family and the lines are busy,’ though the red light on the extension in the kitchen which meant the phones were in use hadn’t shown all morning. Antoinette went to the rumpus-room phone and Juanita said, ‘I thought you’d never come. Get home quick, Antoinette, your Cheri’s husband is banging on the door and she’s in here crying and he’s going to murder us all.’
So Antoinette gave Texas the bowl of six left-over egg yolks to keep him quiet and just ran from the big house, out the back door, through the garage with the ten cars so squashed in that no one could ever get any but two of them out, and she squeezed through the hole in the fence everyone but the Marvins knew about, and ran for ten minutes solid to get home, and when she did found Cheri and her husband sobbing and smiling and sighing in each other’s arms, and she was glad because she liked the young man, he wa
s just so young, and a baby needs two parents, and the smell of a pumpkin pie which the boys were making was rich and strong in the house, and there was Juanita saying she was sorry, she was sorry, she’d got frightened, and Antoinette grabbed the hot pumpkin pie out of the oven because she knew the one at the Marvins’ would be burned, she’d forgotten to turn the oven down, and the boys said that’s okay, that’s okay, because they were good kids, and she borrowed six eggs from Juanita who, what with the hangings and crashings, hadn’t got round to making her own, and ran back to the house, and she was in through the hole in the fence and sure enough the kitchen was full of the smell of burnt, fat-free, egg-yolk-free pumpkin pie but she switched on all the extractor fans, of which there were many, and whisked the ruined pie out of the oven, burning her fingers so she dropped it on the floor and it skidded under the table and Texas ate it, as she knew he would, scalding his mouth but he didn’t care.
‘That’s a good-looking pumpkin pie,’ said Honey Marvin, staring at the one Antoinette had brought from home, one second after the evidence had been eaten, ‘but what’s that funny smell? It didn’t burn, did it?’ If there was anything Honey Marvin hated it was the waste of burned food, of food caught on the bottoms of the very best pans.