6 Digit Passcode

by Collins, Abigail

  He’s starting to ramble, speaking faster and softer with each word; I’m not even sure he’s talking to me anymore. There is a manic look in his eyes that startles me. He is such a gentle person, but I also watched him shoot a Digit in his simulation today without even batting an eye.

  “He doesn’t blame you,” I say, though I know from the look on his face that Holden doesn’t believe me. “Dori chose to follow you because he loves you. That’s not your fault. And it was his choice.”

  Holden looks down at his fingers, twined together in his lap. “Did he tell you to say that?”

  I don’t want to lie, but I also know better than to give someone hope when there is none. “It’s the truth,” I say instead, hoping that my answer will be enough for him.

  He nods. “That’s what he told me, too. But I know he thinks it’s his fault, too. He thinks the reason my legs don’t work is because of him.”

  “How…?”

  “You know,” Holden says, smiling sadly, “you’re the first person Dori and I have come across who hasn’t had a problem with our relationship in a long time. It’s not exactly… acceptable to most people.”

  “Yeah, but you guys love each other, right? Why would anybody have a problem with that?”

  “You’d be surprised. I tried telling my parents pretty much the same thing right before they kicked me out and disowned me. They weren’t quite as open-minded as you are.”

  He blinks quickly and sniffs, clearly trying to hold back tears. I want to tell him that he doesn’t have to talk about this, especially if it makes him sad, but he seems to want to say it. Maybe letting it all out will make him feel better. It’s never really worked for me, but then again, I’ve never really told someone everything I was feeling.

  I wait silently for him to continue; he takes a deep breath and clears his throat softly before he does.

  “I didn’t have anything, you know? That’s what it felt like, at least. I had no family, no job, no future. And yeah, I had Dori, and I loved him – still do – but I just couldn’t see that back then. I was upset at myself and the rest of the world, and I got into a huge fight with Dori that’s entirely my fault, but he still blames himself for it.”

  “Is that when you… um… got hurt?” I ask, gesturing to his damaged legs. They look normal – albeit a little disproportionately skinny compared to the rest of his body – but his toes are curled inwards and his knees are pressed tightly together like they’re stuck that way. It feels so strange, thinking about him walking; I’ve gotten so used to his chair that it seems like a part of him to me now.

  “Yes,” he answers, then pauses. “I… I was upset. I don’t even remember most of it, except that I ran away and I woke up in a hospital two days later.”

  “Do you know what happened?”

  His eyes gloss over and I think for a moment that he’s going to cry, but then he coughs, rubs his eyes, and continues speaking. His voice sounds distant, more detached, and I know it’s because he’s trying to recount his story through someone else’s eyes; if he doesn’t treat it like a memory, then it can’t hurt him like one.

  “I tried to kill myself,” he says finally. “I just wanted everything to be over, so I ran in front of a train without even really thinking about it. It didn’t kill me, obviously, but it messed up my spine pretty bad. I can’t feel anything from the waist down. So you can see why I’m here; I don’t care what happens to me, as long as I can walk again. That’s the only way I can fix my mistake.”

  “And Dori thinks it’s his fault that you got hurt? Because you guys had one little fight?”

  “That’s part of it. But it’s really because I love him. My parents threw me out of the house the second they found out that I was in love with another man, so of course, Dori believes that it’s his own fault. Like he made me love him. Or like I would ever have regretted it, because I hadn’t. I still don’t.”

  My heartbeat is thrumming loudly in my ears. I wish I knew how to comfort him. Compared to Holden, I feel pathetic for ever having pitied myself for my situation. At least I still have Fray, and Crissy, and the memory of two parents who loved me very much; even though my mother kept secrets from me, I know that she did it because she thought it was what was best for me.

  Sometimes people hurt the ones they love, even if they don’t mean to. But that doesn’t mean that they love them any less.

  I feel a hard pit of guilt in my stomach. I’ve spent so much time being angry with my mother, and spiteful towards the Digits, that I’ve completely forgotten what’s important in my life.

  “Holden, I’m so sorry,” I tell him. “You shouldn’t have had to go through all of that. But Dori really does care a lot about you, and I think he’s forgiven you for what you did, so… Maybe you can try forgiving yourself, too?”

  Holden grins, and it’s the first real smile I’ve seen on his face since our conversation began. “That’s why I’m here. I want my legs back. I want my life back.”

  “Why… why are you telling me this?” I ask, and Holden pauses, taken aback by the sudden shift in the flow of the conversation.

  His smile fades quickly, and his eyebrows furrow as he thinks. His hands are restless, his thumbnails scratching against his palms and his fingers tapping sporadic rhythms on his knuckles. For someone with such limited mobility, Holden really can’t keep still very well.

  “I don’t know, really,” he finally admits. “Maybe it’s because you remind me a little bit of Dori, so I trust you. But it’s also because I know that you didn’t choose to come here. You and Dori have that in common, and I think if things ever went south, you’d be able to help him get out. I already signed up for this, and I’m sticking with it no matter how hard it gets, but if you ever get the chance to leave…”

  My head is spinning. His words enter my ears like a foreign language, and it takes me several seconds to process them.

  “You… want me to take Dori with me? If I can ever find a way out of here?”

  Holden nods solemnly, his eyes fixed on his hands. His shoulders are slumped forward and his entire posture is folding his body inwards, as if he’s trying to make himself as small as possible. I can’t even imagine how hard it is for him to ask something like that – for me to help the love of his life escape, even if it meant that they would never see each other again.

  “But what about you? If you know that this isn’t a good place for Dori to be, then why are you willing to stay here? Why not leave with him?”

  “Because,” he sighs, “I’m no good the way I am. I mean, look at me.” He gestures first to his legs, then his waist, and up along his torso as he speaks. “I can’t walk; I can’t even feel my feet. I’ve lost a lot of muscle and gained a lot of weight from just being stuck in this chair all day. There aren’t a whole lot of good jobs out there for someone like me. I’m worth nothing to anybody the way I am right now, even if Dori tries to tell me differently. And this is the only way that I even have a chance of changing that. I can’t leave without even trying.”

  There is so much desperation in Holden’s voice, pleading with me to understand what he’s trying to tell me, that I can’t help but sympathize with him. If I was in his situation, what would I do? His past is a mess, and he doesn’t have much of a future if he stays as he is now, so I can understand why he’s choosing to live for each moment as it comes. He’s not even thinking about the consequences of his choices yet, just what he stands to earn from them.

  A personality trait like that could prove to be his downfall. I really hope it isn’t, but I’ve seen firsthand what kind of things the Digits are capable of, and rebuilding someone’s life isn’t one of them.

  “I’ll help you,” I agree, and a wave of relief washes over Holden’s face. Did he honestly expect me to refuse to help him? “But I’m not planning on leaving just yet. It’s true, I don’t want to be here, but now that I am I might as well get something out of it.”

  “What are you after?”

  I take a m
oment to think of the best way to phrase my response. “Information,” I say. “My parents were murdered by two Digits who I was told belong to another Division. Dori told me about the army Division 6 is building to fight 4, and I think that’s where my parents’ killers are from. Tesla – that’s the Digit who brought me here – told me that my mother ran away and that the reason she did it is the reason she died. But she wouldn’t tell me anything else. She said I have to stay here and do what she asks, and afterwards she’ll tell me everything. But…”

  “But you don’t trust what she says?” Holden guesses, and I incline my head tersely. “I understand that. I don’t exactly trust them either. But I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”

  “Maybe you will. Maybe I can dig up some information that’ll help you, too.”

  He smiles again, but it’s so wan and tight that it makes my chest ache. I feel so terribly for him and Dori. I’m not lying when I tell him that I will help him if I can, but I’m not telling him the entire truth, either – that once I get the information I need and the opportunity to escape, I’m leaving, with or without Dori.

  He helps me to my feet, gripping one hand around mine and the other on one of the arms of his chair. My legs aren’t shaking as badly as they were yesterday, but I still feel like I haven’t slept in weeks; my entire body is exhausted, and I can barely summon enough energy to walk from the Main Lab back to my cabin.

  I am covered in sweat, and I probably smell worse than I have in a long time, but I don’t feel like showering right now. So much information is jolting through my brain that it feels like it could short-circuit itself at any moment. I wish I could just close my eyes and rest without thinking about a single thing, but I know better than to hope for something like that.

  I’ve learned a lot over the past two days, but I still don’t know nearly enough. My mother’s secrets remain a mystery, and I have yet to figure out exactly why I’m here.

  Holden helps me out the central building’s main door, letting me use the back of his wheelchair as a makeshift crutch, and we part ways when we reach my cabin. Part of me expects him to come inside and see how Dori is doing, but he leaves without a second glance.

  Dori is asleep when I enter, his face contorted into what is clearly the sign of a nightmare. Though it’s only the middle of the day, I feel tired enough to sleep until tomorrow morning.

  I haven’t stopped having nightmares about Fray’s death ever since the first time I witnessed it in a simulation, and I expect today to be no different. But instead of my brother’s mangled corpse, I see Holden’s, with Dori standing over him, his body wracked with sobs.

  I wake in a cold sweat just a few hours later, not sure which image terrifies me more.

  Chapter nineteen

  Dori is gone by the time I wake up the next morning. His sheets are strewn across his mattress, and the clothes he wore yesterday are thrown in a pile at the end of his bed. Judging from the light filtering into the room through the windows, it’s barely daybreak. I am used to Dori waking up early and leaving before me, so I’m not surprised.

  When he doesn’t show up for breakfast, though, I start to worry.

  I ask Holden if he’s seen Dori, and he tells me that they haven’t spoken for nearly a day; they’re not fighting, but I know that the guilt they are both feeling is making it difficult for them to be around each other right now.

  He tries not to act too concerned, but I can see worry-lines creasing his forehead. His fingernails drag across the bottom of the cafeteria table, echoing scratching noises in my ears and raising the hairs on the back of my head. It’s eerily silent in here today, and every sound is magnified in the empty air.

  “Do you know what Dori’s group has been doing?” I ask after the silence gets to be too much. I am whispering, but my voice sounds like a shout in my own ears.

  Holden shakes his head. “No. He won’t tell me. When I asked, he gave me this strange look I’ve never seen on him before. I told him what we’re doing, and I think it’s pretty obvious from his reaction that his group is doing something completely different.”

  I think back to my previous conversations with Dori, remembering how he avoided the topic whenever it strayed too close to his activities in the lab. He seemed almost… nervous? Like he knew something he didn’t want to tell me. And apparently it’s something he hasn’t told Holden yet, either.

  “I don’t know him as well as you do,” I say, “so I don’t know if his behavior lately is normal for him. But I’m guessing it’s not.”

  He picks at a burnt piece of toast on his tray, tearing off bits of the crust and crumbling them between his fingers. He’s hardly eaten anything this morning, but then again, neither have I.

  “I’ve known him since we were ten. He was my best friend first, you know? And he’s always been the more extroverted of the two of us; but I suppose you’ve already noticed that.”

  “Kind of.” I pick up the plastic knife I was given and cut into the rubbery piece of meat on my tray as best I can. I wonder why we aren’t given metal utensils; it seems like it’d be a lot easier to eat the poorly cooked meals we’re fed if we could actually pick apart bite-sized pieces of them. “When I first got here, he seemed a lot more energetic. But I think he still feels guilty about hurting you. I think he takes things a lot more seriously than he lets on.”

  “That’s true. He doesn’t like to talk about what he’s feeling very much. But I remember when he tried to, after I… um… you know. I’d never even seen him cry before then.”

  My nightmare from last night resurfaces in my mind, and I shake my head to push it out. The only time I’ve seen Dori cry was during the first simulation, the day after I arrived here. I think I know what he was seeing, now.

  After breakfast, we all split into our groups and are led by a handful of Digits to rooms on opposite ends of the main hallway. Again, I look for Dori among his own group, but I don’t see him. Holden lags behind and cranes his head over the crowd, his eyes flitting in every direction; he can’t even hide his worry now.

  At first I assume that we’re going to be taken back to the Main Lab to continue with our simulations, but instead we branch off into separately assigned rooms – the same ones we were taken to shortly after we arrived, where we had microchips implanted into the backs of our necks to keep us from trying to escape.

  My memory of that moment flares up again, and my neck starts itching and burning like a fresh wound. Every so often, I can feel the chip pulsing underneath my skin, and I am reminded again why I refuse to ally myself with the Digits.

  One of our guides points me towards a room in the middle of the cluster, and I step into it cautiously. My last experience in one of these rooms was not an enjoyable one; I would almost rather go back to the lab and get shot at in a simulation than face whatever might be waiting for me behind this door.

  I push the door open and step inside. Immediately, I notice two things: one, that the layout of this room is identical to that of the previous one I was in, and two, that I am not alone inside of it.

  Tesla is standing with her back to the metal desk, watching me with a grin on her face that makes my blood boil.

  “It’s been a while, Everly,” he says smugly. “How have you been adjusting to life here? I hope you’ve been comfortable.”

  I know for a fact that she couldn’t care less about how comfortable I am, but I don’t tell her that. I walk forward a few paces and close the door behind me, standing with my back against the wall and as much distance between me and Tesla as possible.

  “What do you want?” I ask her. “I’ve been holding up my end of the bargain. When are you going to give me the answers you promised?”

  Tesla holds up an index finger and says, “Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong. You haven’t been doing what I asked you to. I heard from your instructor that you’ve failed each of your simulations thus far. Why is that?”

  I’m trying to keep my voice calm, but it’s difficult; every t
ime I see the smug look on her face, anger burns in the pit of my stomach. “You know why. I never agreed to shooting people.”

  “Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t it you who wanted so badly to avenge your parents’ murders? What are you planning to do once you find their killers – offer them some tea and tell them to ‘have a good day’?”

  My spine is pressed so hard against the wall that I can feel bruises blossoming across my shoulder-blades.

  “Now, then, let’s get this over with, shall we? I just need to take a look at your implant, to make sure everything’s working properly. If it is, then you’re free to go. Your next sim test isn’t until this afternoon, so you have plenty of time to spend with those new friends of yours – what were their names again?”

  As soon as my back leaves the wall, I ball my hands into fists to relieve some of the tension building in my muscles. I haven’t even seen Tesla since my first day in this compound, but clearly she’s seen me. How does she know about Dori and Holden? Has she been watching me this entire time? And more importantly, has she been listening?

  I turn around obediently, parting my hair along either side of my neck and running my thumb over the place where I know my microchip is embedded. There is a small bump on my skin that I wouldn’t even notice if I wasn’t looking for it, but it doesn’t hurt to touch it anymore. I kind of wish it did, because sometimes I forget it’s even there.

  “Dori,” I spit out as soon as my back is turned to Tesla. “I haven’t seen him since yesterday. You know where he is, don’t you?”

  It’s not a question I really expect her to answer, and her silence speaks for itself. She presses her fingernails into the back of my neck and drags them along my hairline.

  “Even if I did,” she says coldly, “he’s not in your group, is he? You have no business asking where he is. For all you know, he could have passed his program and moved on.”