‘I intend to.’ Gil grinned, his handsome face alight with an inner warmth. ‘I know for certain you’ll never disappoint me, Philippa Noble.’
The blood rushed to her face at the double meaning of his words. Since Grant’s abrupt exit from her life, no decent man had flirted with her and she had encouraged no friendliness, but this man had broken down her defences without her realising it, and she didn’t know if she was happy about it or not.
Chapter Ten
After a tiring journey from the Hawkesbury district, Gerald sat on the bed in the Talbots’ Sydney home and re-read Pippa’s letter. Her words conveyed her pride in the stud’s progress. The list of improvements done over the four months since Christmas made him feel guilty for his lack of attendance.
Without him, she had created a home.
Without him, she had survived.
It shamed him to think that despite his abandonment, she’d endured.
… The vegetable gardens grow, Father. Over the summer, rows of sweet corn, potatoes, carrots, onions, and spinach grew well enough to feed us all. I’ve traded our surplus vegetables for fruit trees of apples, pears, lemons, and peaches with a man in Berrima. It hasn’t been all good in this area, as we had to spend valuable time on fencing it to keep the wildlife out. They feast on our vegetables very well unless we have constant vigilance. I’m looking into getting a dog or two to help in this regard.
Last week, Millie and I built a trellis alongside the hut, which we’ve planted with two young grape vines, and in desire for some colour, we’ve also planted seeds of marigolds near the front door. Do not laugh at us!
Douglas Meredith, bless the man, allowed us to borrow a team of bullocks and a plough. Robson got the men to plough the far fields of the valley and they are ready for spring sowing of grass seed and hay crops. Another room has been added to the hut, which became the bedroom, and we feel light-headed at all the space! The fowls have doubled in number. A pigpen and sow now add to the livestock, but they are on credit with a farmer in Bong Bong. His payment is to take half of the litter when it arrives. I agreed since at the time I had no money to pay him. He says the sow is past her breeding time and this may be her last litter, but I will try her again one more time after this and hope she makes us some profit; if not, I will send her to the butcher.
I’ve begun to make friends with local merchants and landholders, though my sincerest friends are the Merediths and the Ashfords. Gil and Augusta visit every week – sometimes twice a week – and we have much fun together riding and entertaining each other. They loaned me a rather placid mare. Last week I went on my first kangaroo hunt. My hunting talents constantly surprise Gil. He believes I shoot as well as any man. He makes me laugh so very much. Their company soothes my loss over my real family being so far away.
My biggest news, and what I was leaving until last to tell you, is that my advertisement in the Sydney Morning Herald newspaper has been successful, Father. I know you thought it a great expense, but it has paid off. Did you see it? A grand advertisement about Noble Blaze and his ability to produce splendid horseflesh. Many gentlemen have written to me, enquiring about his pedigree. A stallion of his superior quality is rare this far from Sydney, and three gentlemen have brought their brood mares from as far as Goulburn in the south, the Mountains in the west, and one came up from the Southern coast. I’ve enclosed copied pages of transactions for you to keep, but rest assured, Father, that I have a very detailed record here. It is the money from these siring fees which has enabled me to improve the valley and pay the wages …
Sighing, Gerald lowered the letter onto his knee. All this she had done on her own. His depression grew. What kind of man was he to do this to his daughter? Her letters largely went unanswered unless they requested money, which he promptly denied, not because he wanted to but because he had no other choice. He no longer had money to give her. What’s more, if the stud didn’t become self-sufficient soon, then the next step would be to sell. It would break her heart to do so and he didn’t think he was strong enough to face it should the decision be made.
But perhaps Noble Blaze would pull them away from financial disaster. Was he a fool to hope?
Gerald gazed at his reflection in the mirror and heaved another great sigh. He didn’t like what he saw. Here he was, cowardly holed up in someone else’s house, refusing to be the man his daughter so desperately needed him to be.
His sudden ill health had been a huge shock, reminding him that he wasn’t to be on this earth forever. A man’s mortality should never be taken lightly, and that’s exactly what he’d done. He’d spent his life pleasing only himself, and if he’d died, what kind of life would his family inherit? Poverty.
It was his role to care and provide for them, and what a terrible job he’d done. Shame swallowed him whole – shame and disgust. His daughter had achieved so much while he, gutless and weak, hid in another man’s home and allowed her to do all that he should be doing.
From somewhere in the house, laughter floated to him. Esther, he knew, brimmed with happiness. The time spent on the Hawkesbury with the Talbots was exactly the kind of life she wanted. She ate the best food, slept in the best bed, and enjoyed a good social life. Everything she had given up in England had returned to her through the generosity of the Talbots. Hilary too seemed happier, and spent a lot of her time with the Talbots’ son, Toby. Esther declared a marriage between the two would set them up for life.
Even now, back in Sydney to attend some tedious social events, they lived in the Talbots’ large house by the harbour at their expense. How did anyone expect him to try and compete against that? His pride hung in tatters. Yet again, he couldn’t provide for his family. They couldn’t rely on him.
Glancing down at the dressing table, his gaze rested on another letter. A much dreaded letter. He couldn’t bear to touch it again, but then he didn’t need to; the words were burned into his brain.
He walked over to the window. A gentle breeze blew the lace curtains and he captured them in his hands, wanting to rip them down and tear them to pieces.
Grant Lindfield. He’d be sailing into the country sometime towards the end of April and requested for Gerald to meet him in Sydney.
Gerald felt ill again at the thought. He had one week left to decide what he would say to Grant. He guessed he could show him Pippa’s letter about the stud’s improvements, but it might not be enough. He still might demand the money back. On Howard’s death, all his investments went to his son, and if Grant called the loan before they could repay him, the valley would become his.
A pain squeezed Gerald’s chest, bending him over with its force. He gasped, clutching at the windowsill. After a moment the pain receded, allowing him to breathe easier. Puffing and feeling as old as time, he stumbled to the bed and sat once more, his legs shaky beneath him. He cursed his weak heart.
The dinner gong rang throughout the house. He would have to go downstairs, but he wondered if he could make it. It was no wish of his to endure another meal at another man’s table. The Talbots’ charity was like bile in his throat.
Taking a deep breath, Gerald heaved to his feet and stood for a moment to regulate his breathing.
Slowly, he made it to the dining room, where both families chatted with accustomed ease. He was thankful to make it to his chair without notice. As a servant placed the leek soup before him, he steeled himself not to gag. Sweat beaded his forehead.
Hilary, seated on his left, placed her hand on his. ‘Are you all right, Father? You look pale.’
‘Yes, my dear, I’m fine.’ Gerald forced a smile even though his chest tightened and he grew hot in the face. His breathing laboured as a vice gripped his chest.
‘Are you certain?’
‘I-I do feel a little unwell … Maybe I should retire …’ he half-whispered, half-groaned back to her.
Hilary helped him to his feet, causing everyone at the table to look in their direction.
‘Whatever is the matter, Gerald?’ Esther frow
ned.
‘Father is feeling a little under the weather, Mother. I shall help him to his room. Excuse us, please.’
‘Here, let me help you, Hilary.’ Toby stepped to her side and caught Gerald as his legs buckled and he collapsed against the table. The fine china rattled amid the women’s shrieks.
‘Call for the doctor, Father!’ Toby struggled to keep them both upright.
Between Hilary and Toby, they got him upstairs and into his bedroom. Hilary left while Toby and a male servant undressed him and pulled a nightshirt over him. Once they had finished, she returned to sit beside the bed. ‘Are you feeling a little better, Father?’
‘Yes …’ Gerald lied. Pain rose and ebbed in exhausting waves.
‘Good.’ Her small smile was full of concern. ‘Why do you think you are sick? Is it your heart?’
He nodded, frightened that he might not make the morning. ‘Worry.’
‘Worry? But why? About Pippa? She is doing well. Her letters are very encouraging.’
The pain in his chest lessened to a dull ache, permitting him to suck in more air. ‘In part about Pippa … but not all.’
‘Then what?’
‘Grant … Lindfield’s arrival,’ he puffed.
‘Grant?’ Hilary’s eyes widened and she reared back. ‘He’s coming here?’
Gerald nodded. Talking was difficult and this scared him even more.
‘But why? I don’t understand.’
He shook his head. ‘Howard’s money. The stud,’ he gasped, finding it hard to breathe.
She took his hand and held it in hers. ‘I am sure Grant will not want it back. He will respect his father’s decisions. The money was loaned in good faith and the stud will earn it back. Look how well Pippa is doing. We can’t sell it. It would break her heart. We must believe in it as Pippa does.’
‘But … will … Grant?’
Esther strode into the room. ‘The doctor has been sent for and will be here shortly.’ She stood by the bed and looked at him. ‘It is most impolite to become ill in a friend’s home, Gerald. I thought we were over this. I am not amused by this display of weakness. The Talbots have been the very best of friends to us and this is no way to repay them!’
He grunted. ‘I … assure you … my dear, that I did not do it … on purpose.’
‘I should think not, the Talbots have been uncommonly kind to us these past months.’
Hilary glared at her. ‘Mother, I believe it would be best for Father if you were to move to another room for the night. I’m sure Mrs Talbot won’t mind.’
‘Indeed, I shall do so at once. Though I am ashamed to be the cause of such disruption.’ She turned on her heel and left the room.
Hilary followed her out and caught her in the hallway. ‘Mother, that was incredibly rude. Have you no compassion? Father is dreadfully ill.’
Esther faltered. ‘I have compassion, yes, but not towards your father, not after all these years. Did he think of me as he gambled away what money we had? Did he ever think of me or you girls when he made terrible business decisions? Did he think of me when he dragged us to the other side of the world?’
‘Of course he thought of us. He wanted us to regain what we had lost.’
‘What he lost, you mean.’
‘You can’t blame him for every wrong thing that has happened in our lives, Mother!’
‘Why not? It’s usually down to him.’ Esther took a step, but turned back. ‘I once loved your father more than life itself, but each year, as we suffered more and more humiliation, my love and respect for him died. Now look at how we live.’ She shook her head, the light in her eyes fading as tears glistened. ‘We live on the charity of others, while my daughter works like a man toiling in a valley that isn’t even ours and likely never will be.’
Hilary realised she didn’t know her mother at all. For a fleeting moment, she saw so much of Pippa in her mother that it scared her. Their father had inadequately ruled their lives for so long, that only now, as he weakened, did the true character of her mother appear. Pippa had always shown her strength of spirit, but not their mother, and maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing that at last her mother was the stronger partner in her marriage.
Esther sighed. ‘You think ill of me now, don’t you?’
‘I don’t know what to think.’
‘I’ve had no power over my life. Before I married, my father controlled my life; after my marriage, my husband controlled both our lives and he did it badly. Do you blame me for being hard-hearted, for being cynical?’ Esther gripped Hilary’s hand. ‘I never want you and Philippa to suffer as I did. You must marry a man who will provide for you; don’t let love rule you.’
‘Is that why you were so harsh to Pippa when she declared her love for Grant and he rejected her? You refused to speak to her for days.’
Esther raised her chin. ‘Although Philippa wouldn’t agree, she is a lot like me. No one else might see it, but I do. When I was young, I was terribly impulsive. I wanted your father and I got him and look where it landed me.’ She straightened her shoulders. ‘I’ve become selfish and demanding, Hilary. At times, I don’t even like myself, but I refuse to allow my daughters to travel the same path I took. Ruination changes people, destroys their dreams, their ideals, and leaves them hollow and bitter. Love for a man should never be considered or desired. You love your children, but never love a man. It will ruin you.’
‘I think I understand.’ Hilary nodded and squeezed her mother’s hand, but knew she could never marry without love. ‘I had best return to Father.’
Her mother stopped her. ‘Toby Talbot is a good man, sensible, wealthy, and of stable temperament. If he asks, you should marry him whether you love him or not. Understand?’
‘What if I do love him?’
‘Then I have failed to protect you as I failed Philippa with Grant Lindfield. Falling in love is for poets to write about, not for us to aspire to.’ Esther turned away and entered the room opposite.
Hilary walked back to her father’s room and placed her hand on the door handle. How many times had she talked with her mother? Hundreds, thousands of times. They’d spent years shopping and visiting together, sitting by the fire in winter sewing in comfortable silence, and yet, never once had she seen the woman that her mother truly was.
Tears stung her eyes. She felt guilty for every joke and comment she had uttered about her mother’s silly whims, for she hadn’t been aware, hadn’t taken the time to find out that her mother’s true self lay hidden beneath a grumbling exterior, an exterior that protected her from facing the misery that was her life.
Hilary took a deep breath and entered the room, knowing nothing would be the same ever again.
Pippa stepped through the front door of the Talbots’ Sydney harbourside home and into Hilary’s arms. ‘I am here at last! How is he?’
‘Better. The doctor said it was a heart seizure.’ Hilary hugged her tightly again. ‘I’m so glad you’re here. It’s been awful.’
Separating from her, Hilary instructed a servant to collect Pippa’s luggage from the hansom cab and take it to her room. Holding Pippa’s hand, she led her into the sitting room to greet the Talbots and their mother.
‘Good Lord, Philippa. You look positively wild.’ Esther’s horrified expression showed her displeasure.
Pippa put a hand to the hair poking out from beneath her bonnet. She knew the sun had tanned her skin and lightened her hair to near white gold. Her old gowns were faded with repeated wearing when she visited the Merediths and Ashfords, but she refused to spend the much-needed money on buying new ones. The green and black striped dress she wore today was borrowed from Augusta Ashford. Augusta had been generous, for her wardrobe was immense and a great many went unworn. Pippa was now grateful to have accepted the offer. ‘Forgive me for not being at my best, Mother, but I have been travelling for two days.’
Once all the introductions had been made, Pippa escaped upstairs to see her father. He stirred as she entered. Quietly sh
e sat on the chair by the bed and slipped her hand under his.
Gerald’s eyes fluttered and focused on her; he smiled. ‘Pippa.’
‘Sorry to wake you.’ She bent over and kissed his thin, whiskery cheek. He had aged so much in the months since they’d last been together. ‘I came as quickly as I could.’
‘I’m not planning to die just yet, my dear.’
She grinned and squeezed his hand. ‘I should hope not. There is much to do in the valley.’
His eyes softened. ‘There is something I want to tell you, that is, if you haven’t already been told.’
‘Been told what? I haven’t had the time to be told much at all.’
‘I have instructed to be informed when the ship Starlight docks.’
‘Oh? Why is this ship important?’
‘Because it carries Grant Lindfield to these shores.’
Pippa gasped. Her mind swirled with images of the man she once loved so deeply. Her heart beat a tattoo against her chest. To see him again, to hear his voice …
Pippa sat silent. Grant. Here.
She shook her head wordlessly, rose, and stepped to the window. In the distance, a tiny sailing boat tacked along the water. So, he was to come here then, to her place of sanctuary.
Would she ever be free of him and the pain he caused?
‘Pippa.’
She swallowed. ‘Why? His father has died. He should be in England, not here. Never here.’
‘I believe he has been home for a short time. He would have reached England about the same time we arrived here. He must have stayed there over Christmas and then decided to journey here.’
‘Why didn’t he just write to you? There is no need for him to come here.’
‘I suspect he wishes to know more about the money Howard lent us and what we are doing with it. Alas, I am not privy to his thoughts.’
‘And what will you tell him when he comes?’ Her voice came as though from far away.
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