‘That it is gone. However, I shall try and get a position with the government or some other organisation and earn the money back for him until the stud shows a profit. I hope he will accept that as a gentleman and a family friend.’
‘There is no need to trouble yourself, Father. I will pay an instalment of the loan with the profit from the next wool clippings. I noticed the price of wool has risen.’ She paced the floor, thinking. ‘I shall make regular repayments over the next few years, perhaps in less time if able. I have had more enquiries about Blaze. And next year we’ll have the foals born this October to sell as yearlings.’
‘That won’t work. He won’t want promises. He’s not that type of man.’
‘Yes, it will work. It has to.’ She tried to keep calm and not panic. ‘Money is coming into the stud little by little. I’ll make no more improvements now the house is finally finished and instead give all our spare cash to Grant. May I know of the amount of the loan, Father? Did Howard agree for you to pay in instalments? It can’t be that much. We used our money, too—’
‘None … none of my money went into purchasing the land, I used all of Howard’s that he gave me.’ Gerald’s voice shook and tears reddened his eyes.
She backed away. ‘I … I don’t understand.’
‘I’m sorry, Pippa. I used what money we had, which wasn’t much after I paid my debts in England, to buy stock and materials. I never thought Howard would die before we had the chance to pay him back. Every time he loaned me money, I was never pressured to repay it quickly. We had an understanding.’
‘What do you mean? The stud is Grant’s? Wholly paid by his money?’
‘We have one year left under the terms of the original agreement to repay the loan. If Grant calls in the loan on time and we cannot pay, the land goes to him by default. That was the agreement I made with Howard, knowing he would never take the land from me. Howard knew this was my last chance to provide you all with a home. He loved me like a brother. But Grant isn’t Howard …’
‘One year?’ she squeaked, aghast, drowning out his pathetic excuses. ‘We can never pay it all back in one year!’
‘I could try to acquire another loan …’
She looked at him, stricken on the bed. Who would give him a loan now?
A hideous weight crushed her chest. Blinded by shock, she stumbled and groped for the door. She fought the faint that threatened to claim her. Her valley would never be Grant’s! Never his.
Chapter Eleven
For the next three days, Pippa hardly slept or ate. She walked the length and breadth of Sydney’s main streets, trying to come to terms with the news that the beautiful land she had shed blood, sweat, and tears for was not Noble land, not hers to love. She couldn’t bear it.
A slow burning rage ate at her. Grant. Grant. Grant. His name was a chant in her brain, sending her mad. She was tired of his power to hurt her. Once again, fate dealt a deathblow to her heart. Wasn’t it enough she suffered the humiliation of loving him and received nothing in return but his pity and gossip? Now she was to endure it all again, would have to beg again, not for his love like last time, but for the land she’d come to love in his place.
One evening, as the family sat playing cards after dinner, Pippa walked the garden to the harbour edge. A few minutes later, Hilary joined her and together they stared out over the ink-black water.
‘It is May first tomorrow.’ Hilary linked her arm through Pippa’s. ‘How strange it is autumn here and back home it is spring.’
‘Yes.’
Hilary sighed. ‘Don’t be so glum, dearest.’
Pippa stared at her. ‘How do you expect me to behave?’ Her voice rose. ‘Should I smile and laugh and tell funny stories when all the while I’m trying to accept that my home isn’t really mine?’
‘Don’t shout, please.’
Pippa spun away. ‘I wish to more than shout. I want to scream and cry and curse. Do you know what it is like waiting for his ship to dock? It is over a week late and every day the dread in my heart digs deeper.’ She twisted to glare at her sister. ‘Why, Hil? Why has he been given the opportunity to wound me again?’
‘I don’t know, darling.’ Hilary stepped closer and held her. ‘What are you to do?’
‘I have no idea.’
‘It is not like you to give up so easily.’
‘I do not have anything to give up on. I have nothing.’ Pippa sighed, exhausted.
‘If you can show Grant that you can make a success of the property, as you are doing, then surely he will let you go on living there and pay back the money once the year is up. You may be worrying for nothing. He may allow you an extension of the loan.’
‘It is not the same.’ Her heart weighed heavy. ‘All that time, I thought I was building a future for us. Giving us something solid to hold on to after all the years of being unsettled due to Father’s debts. It was our land, ours.’
‘But you knew of the loan.’
‘Howard’s loan, Hil. Howard was a good and kind man. Generous to Father always. Howard would no more have called in the loan than flown to the moon. He loved us as family.’
‘And Grant is his son, not a monster. I believe he will allow you to continue—’
Pippa sprang back. ‘Allow me? He will allow me? I don’t want to be treated like a servant, to be at his beck and call, to have him forever looking over my shoulder, wanting to know our expenditure, our profits. The very thought repulses me.’
‘Of course not, I meant—’
‘You don’t understand. I love that valley. It’s a part of me. I’ve lived in a tent, then a hut, and I eat the same monotonous food every day. I battle the heat, the mud, the rain, the flies, and the ridicule from my family and people of my class because I have blisters on my hands. Yet, I would do it all again a hundred times over if I knew that it would be all mine forever. Instead, it’s his! Of all the people in the world it has to be his.’
‘He is not the devil, Pippa,’ whispered Hilary, placing her hand on Pippa’s arm.
‘Yes, he is!’ Pippa closed her eyes and rubbed them in torment. ‘He has to be for me to feel about him as I do.’ She turned and walked back inside and up to her room.
The following morning, while the family took breakfast and discussed the ongoing fascination of gold being discovered in the colony, a message arrived. The housemaid gave it to Esther. ‘It’s for Mr Noble, madam.’
‘Pray, child, take it up to him. I have no wish for it.’ Esther waved her away and proceeded to finish her meal.
Pippa stared at the paper in the girl’s hand, knowing it was probably from the wharf with news of a certain ship’s arrival. ‘I will give it to him.’
The maid passed it over and hurried away. Taking a deep breath, Pippa slowly climbed the stairs and knocked on the bedroom door.
At her father’s bidding, she entered the room. She’d not seen him in four days, ever since he gave her the devastating news. Hilary said it was cruel not to visit, but Pippa hadn’t been able to face him. To be let down by her father again hurt too much. He should have told her that the Lindfield loan had paid for the valley and not their own money. He’d scraped her too raw for her to feel any kindness towards him.
He sat propped up in bed with a breakfast tray on his lap. He gave her a brief smile, his eyes wary. ‘Pippa.’
She stood at the end of the bed. ‘A message has come for you.’
‘Open it and read it to me.’
It pleased her that her hands didn’t shake as she opened the letter. ‘The ship, Starlight, has been sighted off the coast near the Heads. They should anchor sometime this afternoon.’
‘The time has come, then.’
Pippa straightened her shoulders and raised her chin. ‘I won’t give up the land. If I have to work until my hands bleed, then I will. I will pay back every penny we owe Grant, but I will not give the land up even if the year agreement elapses.’
Gerald nodded. ‘Very well, my dear, we shall do it togethe
r, like it should have been from the very start. I’ll talk to Grant and make him aware of our plans and see if he will let us pay the money in instalments.’
Amazed, she stared at him, speechless. Could she believe him this time? Would he actually try and save the valley, believe in it as she did? Or would he give up at the first hurdle and while away his time in Sydney?
Gerald reached out his hand and she stepped alongside the bed to take it. ‘I’m terribly sorry that I put you through such distress. However, things are going to change. We will, as a family, return with you to the valley, and we shall all live there together, helping each other. We will build a fine stud and pay Grant back the loan.’
‘What about Mother?’
‘Your mother will do as I say. The time has come for us to be dependent on ourselves. We cannot live with the Talbots any longer. She will not like it, to be sure, but we all have to make sacrifices.’
Pippa flopped down onto the edge of the bed, nearly upsetting the tray. ‘What if Grant has found a way to take the land from us? What if he doesn’t honour his father’s agreement with you?’
‘I don’t see him doing that. He is a good man, or he used to be. I doubt he has changed much while in India. Besides, do we not have a long-standing friendship between our two families, as well as blood ties? He will respect his father’s wishes, I’m certain of it.’
‘He may not have changed in the two years he’s been away, but he might be changed now that his father has left him a wealthy man.’
‘No, he’s a gentleman. True, he is arrogant and conceited, but that is who he is. Someone born into money, breeding, and position cannot act like normal men.’ Gerald lifted his hand and brushed it softly along her cheek. ‘Pippa dear, I know this will be hard for you and seeing him again will not be easy—’
She shot to her feet. ‘I will not cause a scene like I did last time we were in Grant’s company, you can be assured of that.’
‘I know.’
‘I shall be strong, and who knows, I might not even feel anything for him.’ She prayed it would be so.
In the candlelight, Pippa gazed at her reflection in the self-standing full mirror. Her violet, short-sleeved gown tapered in at the waist and then flared out over a stiffened horsehair petticoat in yards of shimmering satin to the floor. Violet satin slippers and elbow-length white lace gloves completed the ensemble. Her hair, sun-lightened to white gold, was swept up in thick tresses and held there with mother-of-pearl combs and violet satin ribbons. She worried about the slight tanning of her face and hands. She looked so dark against the rest of the women, but no matter how much she wore her hat and gloves while working in the valley, the sun still touched her skin. Her mother said she looked like a bush woman of no consequence and begged her to apply lotions every night to her face. Would she soon have wrinkles and freckles aging her before her time?
‘Oh, what do I care?’ she muttered, adjusting her gloves at the elbow.
Still, she wanted to look her best tonight. She needed every confidence in herself. Grant had been invited to the Talbots’ house for dinner, along with several other acquaintances of the Talbots, and Pippa had dressed in one of the finest dresses Augusta had loaned her.
With a last pat of her hair, she was ready to face him – ready to see if he still had the same effect on her heart. She secretly hoped he wouldn’t, for she didn’t think she could go through the anguish again.
They’d been best friends ever since she first noticed him at a garden party at the Lindfields’ manor house. Grant had just returned from his grand tour of Europe, lasting some two years. At twenty-three, he possessed an aura of sophistication that easily commandeered her sixteen-year-old heart. She won a game of croquet against him and then they played blind man’s bluff with the other guests.
The following week, they went riding over the dales and moors of his Yorkshire estate. And, as the summer progressed, they spent wonderful days together and with other friends in the happy pursuits of the rich. When she and the family returned home, they continued their friendship with witty letters and funny drawings of their everyday activities.
In that vein their lives continued for nearly three years, until on one winter’s day close to Christmas, when the Nobles were staying with the Lindfields, Pippa came upon Grant whispering playfully in a young lady’s ear at a dinner party. Something happened to Pippa that had never happened before: jealousy.
She realised Grant wasn’t only her friend, but a man. Suddenly, she was watching his every smile, every conversation. In sickening fascination she became aware of other women, young and old, sending him looks of clear flirtation and invitation. It made her ill and furious and confused. She swayed from wanting his sole attention to hating him for giving it to others. They quarrelled over silly things, usually stemming from her jealousy. Then, abruptly, Grant no longer sought her out to talk, play games, or ride. He went on long trips abroad and never sent her a letter.
At her and Hilary’s nineteenth birthday, Grant gave them presents. Pippa received a leather and gold bounded writing case with her initials in gold leaf on the front. Hilary naturally gave Grant a kiss for her present and Pippa rose to do so likewise, but, unintentionally, Grant at the same time turned the other way, so instead of a friendly kiss on the cheek, they kissed full on the mouth. The sensation surprised them both.
The next day, Grant called and asked her to go riding with him. The moment they rode into the woods, they reined in their horses and fell into each other’s arms. His kisses sent her mind spinning out of control, and although they didn’t make love in the fullest sense, she knew it would only be a matter of time, for soon she’d be his wife.
For Pippa it was exciting and special. She loved Grant Lindfield with a passion that frightened her. In his kisses, he awakened senses that she didn’t know she owned, and it overwhelmed her. His urgent responses to her naïve advances taught her the power women can hold over men. She didn’t hide the love she felt and when people speculated a forthcoming marriage between them, she encouraged it. To be his wife was her greatest dream. She thought of him in everything she did. She planned her life with him as her husband, and never once thought he didn’t feel the same.
Then, without warning, he went away for a month. She, her family, and several other guests were dining at the Hall when he returned. Grant walked into the dining room resplendent in uniform. Howard rose and proudly presented his son, 2nd Lieutenant Grant Lindfield of the Queen’s Royal Hussars. In the morning he would sail for India.
Confused and upset, Pippa believed she would die without him in her life. Later, she cornered him in the hall and demanded an explanation. Why hadn’t he told her?
Grant, his expression sad, took her hand. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t wish to be tied with a wife and children. Not yet. I want to see and experience more of the world.’
She didn’t understand his refusal. Surely he loved her as she loved him? ‘There are many army officers stationed in India with wives.’
‘Yes, there are, but I don’t wish to be one.’
She raised her chin, the pain crucifying. ‘Will you not marry me then?’
‘No, Pip. I’m sorry. A marriage between us would never—’
‘But what we shared. You made me believe …’
‘I’m sorry for that, too.’ He dry-washed his face, his eyes tormented. ‘Forgive me, Pip.’ He shrugged helplessly. ‘I’m not ready for that. I’m only twenty-six, Pip. I’m not ready for a wife and children.’
‘Then you don’t love me?’ Her voice cracked and she was aware that beyond Grant her family and friends were silently entering the hallway to watch them.
‘No, I don’t love you. I’m sorry.’ He shrugged his shoulders.
Devastated, her hand shot out and slapped his check. ‘Then you can go to hell!’ She hit him again and he took it without complaint. ‘I hate you for doing this to me!’ Sobbing, she spun from him and pushed through everyone who had come to see what the shouting was about.
>
Grant’s departure to India without her and her own unladylike behaviour at his rejection did the rounds of drawing rooms for months. Everyone had expected an engagement. Instead they got enough tittle-tattle to satisfy the most ardent of gossipers. They all speculated on why Grant didn’t take her with him. Many knew her father’s debts were considerable and didn’t blame Grant for removing himself from the Noble family.
The following two years of financial difficulties gave Pippa something else to worry about. Yet Grant Lindfield continued to haunt her dreams, forever living at the back of her mind. She had some offers for marriage, and every time she rejected the suitor, the talk would start again. Her mother’s friends said she was idiotic to refuse any offer, while her friends believed she was pining for Grant and would die an old maid …
The cool night breeze blew through the lace curtains and Pippa turned away from the mirror and her memories to close the window. Taking a deep breath, she left the bedroom and went downstairs to greet her old love.
The grand clock in the hallway chimed seven times and Pippa’s nervousness grew with every passing minute. She sipped her sherry a little too quickly and smiled a little too widely as the Talbots’ guests conversed on colonial topics which Pippa tried to follow.
Hilary came to her side and slipped her arm through hers. ‘Relax, dearest. All will be well.’
At last there came a knock and a flurry of movement as the maid answered the summons. In panic, Pippa glanced at Hilary, who smiled and gave a tiny wink of encouragement.
Pippa stepped behind the other guests, many prominent Sydney people, and let her mother and father rush to the front. Her mother’s squeal of welcome filled the room and Pippa looked down at her slippers, trying to still her beating heart.
His voice, clear and strong, carried to her and a shiver of remembrance overwhelmed her. It had been so long since she had heard him. Two people in front moved aside and before she was aware of it, he was standing a few feet away. Like a dumb mute, she stood and absorbed the sight of him. He looked older, thinner. His blue-black hair still shone, his dark blue eyes still sparkled with hidden amusement, and his sensuous mouth had the same wry smile. He wore no uniform. Instead, he looked magnificent in formal dinner wear. He made every other man present look incomplete.
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