by Tricia Goyer
Hope’s heart beat like the wings of a hummingbird, so fast and yet so fragile. She’d never felt this way about anyone before, and she didn’t know if she liked feeling so vulnerable. She had a garden, but she couldn’t hide away. She’d never be able to hide away again after hearing Jonas’s words.
It was what she wanted to hear but was afraid of at the same time. And deep down she knew she felt the same. She’d opened herself up to love, which also meant opening herself up to heartbreak.
“Hope, is there something bothering you?”
The silence turned tense, but she couldn’t answer. Not yet.
Jonas crossed his arms over his chest. She could see from his face that he was confused. The problem was, so was she. She wanted to confess her love in return, but the words wouldn’t come. She wanted to be with him, yet she was fearful of that very thing. The fears were small, but there were many of them, and they joined forces to choke out all the hopes she had in her heart. She should have known better. She should have plucked each fear, like a weed, when it first planted itself in her mind. Hope could see that now, but that didn’t make ridding herself of them any easier. Instead of telling him she loved him too, she knew she had another question. One she needed an answer to.
“Jonas, I’ve been wanting to ask. Did you ever get angry at God… for allowing that to happen to Sarah?”
“Angry, no. Confused, yes. I know God has a right to do as He chooses. I just didn’t understand why it had to be her. And why Emma had to hurt so.” He sighed. “It was harder seeing Emma’s struggle than anything. One day she had a healthy mem who’d chase her around the yard and dance with her in the grass, and the next… well… ” He shrugged.
“My Bible is what helped me most. And there was one verse that played over and over in my mind.”
“What’s that?”
“ ‘They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.’ It’s in the Psalms.”
“That seems fitting for a farmer, but how did it help?”
“The rest of the verse talks about going forth and weeping, carrying precious seed. Preparing soil takes work. The planting takes labor. But in the end we rejoice and bring sheaves. That verse helped me because even when we discovered Sarah was getting weaker, not stronger, I was encouraged that I couldn’t give up on my family or my farm. I had to trust that there would be a good harvest in the future, even though I couldn’t see it. For Sarah that meant stepping into her eternal life. For Emma and I—well, I’m just now starting to get a glimpse of what that could be.”
She smiled at that, thinking that God had written this as part of her story—his story—even before they’d met. “I wish you didn’t have to hurt so.” She reached over and took his hand, feelings its warmth, its strength.
“In life there are times when we don’t think there will ever be an end to our weeping, but that’s not what we need to look at, Hope. Instead, because of our relationship with God, we’ll have no end of joy. Joy wins in the end, and that’s where I place my hope.”
Hope looked into Jonas’s face. A hint of tears touched the corners of his eyes. She’d been worried about having this conversation with him. She’d expected it to be hard to listen to his love for Sarah. Instead, it showed her something else. He was a man capable of loving deeply. He was a man who cared about his family. He was also someone who turned to God during difficult times. Those were all things to be respected.
“Do you want to walk with me?” He stood. “I told Ruth Ann and Emma I’d meet them at the park for a picnic dinner.”
“Ja, of course.” She stood and followed him, and as they walked she realized there weren’t very many people out. So many of the Amish had returned to their farms up north to prepare for spring.
As they walked, Hope stared up at the tall Royal Palms. Every time she saw the palm trees it reminded her she was far from home. To her it felt like she’d been on a very long vacation. But walking side by side with Jonas made her feel as if she was exactly where she should be. There was something familiar about him. Maybe he was the home she was looking for.
But with each passing day the clock ticked down. The school year would be over in just a few weeks’ time. Should she move to Kentucky with the hopes there could be something more to come? She wanted to say yes, but something held her in check.
Why couldn’t she just allow herself to love like Lovina? What was keeping her from the hope that her future was with Jonas, wherever that might be?
Chapter Thirty-One
Sometimes the simplest things are the very best.
AMISH PROVERB
Jonas held Hope’s hand as they walked to the park, and with each step he sent up a prayer. He prayed God would take away all her fears. He prayed she would be willing to move to Kentucky. Reluctantly, he also prayed that if Hope wasn’t God’s will for him and Emma, that God would make that clear too.
They found Ruth Ann and Emma at the park, relaxing on a quilt with a picnic basket set between them. Every few seconds Emma’s hand reached in for a grape, and Ruth Ann pretended not to notice. The oldest of the siblings, Ruth Ann was usually more firm and strict, but as they’d been in Pinecraft God had used Emma to soften his sister’s heart—just in time for the twins to arrive, Jonas guessed.
Hope released his hand as they approached, and disappointment flooded his heart. But Jonas didn’t have time to think about that now. His daughter’s face brightened as she saw them.
“Dat, Hope! Come eat with us,” Emma insisted.
Hope was easy to persuade, and together they enjoyed the sandwiches, potato salad, and homemade lemonade.
“Do you know what sounds good now?” Hope sat straighter. “Pie, my treat! I know Lovina is trying a new recipe today. We should go try it out.”
“Oh, but I wanted to play with Sadie and Natalie.” Emma pointed to the grassy areas where two little girls played with a jump rope. “Their mem said she’d watch me if I wanted to stay.”
Jonas turned to Ruth Ann.
Ruth Ann nodded. “Ja, Mary Miller did offer to let Emma stay after the picnic. She said she’d walk her home later.”
Jonas stood and patted his belly. “It’s settled then. Emma stay and burn off calories, and we’ll go add more on.”
Hope chuckled, wiping grass from the hem of her dress. “Sounds like a plan to me.”
The three of them made their way to Me, Myself, and Pie, and Hope moved to the door. “Jonas, I’ll get the pie and bring it around the back. Why don’t you show Ruth Ann the garden? I think she’ll be surprised by how well everything is doing.”
Ruth Ann smiled. “Not surprised, Hope, but I’m sure I’ll be pleased. I never doubted you.”
They walked toward the back of the pie shop, and as they neared the garden Jonas paused. “I need you to know, Ruth Ann, that when Emma and I return to Kentucky I’m hoping Hope will come too. Judith offered for her to stay there. I want her to see the farm, and for us to spend time together. Then, around November, we could have a wedding—either there or here.”
Ruth Ann’s mouth dropped open. “This November? I do like Hope, I do, but don’t you think this is fast?” Her voice rose, and Jonas turned to make sure his sister’s comment wasn’t overheard.
On the street, two women rode by slowly on three-wheeled bicycles. An older couple strolled by with a picnic basket, most likely headed to the park. Jonah had always pictured himself and Sarah like that, spending their golden years together. Now, in the recent weeks, a new face had replaced Sarah’s in his mind. He smiled whenever he thought of Hope. He delighted that it appeared God had given him a second chance at finding love.
“Fast? Don’t you think that Emma’s been without a mother long enough? You’ve seen them together, Ruth Ann.”
“Is that what this is about?” Ruth Ann’s words were sharper than he expected.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“A mother for Emma. Is that what matters most?”
He continued toward the garden and motioned
for Ruth Ann to follow, knowing that his sister had no idea how her voice carried.
They rounded the corner, and Jonas lowered his voice. “I wouldn’t say it matters most, but it’s something that I do want. Do you know how hard it is to raise a young girl in an Amish community without a mother? Do you know how hard it is depending on everyone else for help? I can’t sew her dresses, and I do a poor job with her hair and kapp. Emma doesn’t know how to bake bread or even sew a button. What type of mother will she be some day? How will she care for her own home?”
“What about you, Jonas? What about your heart?”
“I care for Hope, I really do.”
“Do you care enough to spend the rest of your life with her?”
Jonas nodded, but he didn’t answer. Of course he loved Hope—his heart confirmed that—but a part of him felt guilty. It seemed wrong to love again. It seemed unfair to Sarah. He cringed when he thought how she would feel if she knew he was loving another.
“It’s what I want, Ruth Ann. You have to trust me on this.”
Hope balanced three plates of Luscious Lemonade pie in her hand, and she walked to the garden. Her footsteps slowed as voices carried. It was Jonas’s voice and Ruth Ann’s, and when Hope noticed the tone in the woman’s voice she stopped short.
“When are you going to ask her, Jonas? And when do you want her to move to Kentucky?”
“I’ve already asked her.”
“I just want to know why you’re taking things so quickly.”
“You’re the one who set up this thing with the garden, aren’t you? You started talking to Clyde about it because you thought Hope and I would make a good couple. Isn’t this what you hoped would happen all along?”
“I hoped that you would find a friend. I hoped that maybe you’d be willing to love again, but Jonas, what if it doesn’t work out?”
“Why do you think it won’t work out?”
“Well, Hope is so different from Sarah. They’re opposites almost. Hope’s a good friend to Emma, but can she be a good mother? More than that, I just want you to know for certain that she’s the one you want to spend your life with. There were many women back in Kentucky interested if you would have given them the time of day… ”
“It’s too late for that. We’re already so close—”
The rumbling of a truck split the air, blocking out their words. Hope glanced over her shoulder, wishing it away. Jonas said something more, but Hope couldn’t make out his words over the noise of the truck. Hope took another step closer—as close as she dared without being seen—and strained to listen.
“—I’m not going to do that to Emma. I’m not going to hurt her again. All she can talk about is Hope, and if we lose her it’ll be just like losing Sarah again.”
“I understand that… ” Ruth Ann’s voice trailed off. “I just don’t want to see your heart broken. From what I hear she’s a loner. She likes to keep to herself. Who says she’ll even stick around?”
“Anytime you offer your heart there’s a chance it’ll get broken. You know that.”
Footsteps sounded behind her, and Hope turned. Amish Henry approached with a bread bag in his hand. It looked as if it were full, and he wore a contented smile on his face.
“I been collecting popcorn and old bread to feed the ducks at the park. I was just coming by to see if Emma’s around.”
Hope turned and smiled. “Emma, uh, she’s already at the park. I was just bringing pie to Jonas. I’m sure Emma and her friends would like to feed the birds with you. Jonas is in back; we can ask him.”
Hope forced a smile, pretending her heart wasn’t breaking into a million pieces. He’s doing this for Emma after all. He doesn’t want to break her heart. She’d been waiting for Jonas to tell his sister that he was in love. She’d been waiting for him to say that she was the person he wanted to spend his life with, but the words didn’t come.
“You know what?” Hope thrust the three plates of pie in Amish Henry’s direction. “I just had something come up. Why don’t you take this pie to them and enjoy a piece yourself. Tell Jonas I’ll talk to him later.”
A large grin split Amish Henry’s face. “Why, I’ve never said no to a piece of pie.”
“Gut.” Hope thrust the plates into his hand. Her knees felt weak, and she knew she’d never make it home. Instead, she decided to go inside.
Her feet couldn’t carry her to the door of Me, Myself, and Pie fast enough. The place was filled with customers enjoying their pie and chatting. For once she was thankful for the noise and commotion. Two small girls Emma’s age stood at the picket fence barrier and peered over, watching Lovina with fascination. Hope’s heart pinched seeing them, but she couldn’t think of Emma now.
She spotted a small empty table in the back. Hope hurried that direction. She pushed the empty pie plate that had been left by the last customer to the side and leaned her elbows on the table. She lowered her head, staring intently at her hands folded on the table in front of her, but she didn’t really see them. An ache filled her chest, and she chided herself for not taking Eleanor’s offer for a job in Walnut Creek earlier. She’d dared to hope she’d found something special in Jonas. She’d also given her heart away too easily and she’d fallen in love with that little girl.
Of course he’d been thankful for someone who made his daughter smile again. What good father wouldn’t want that for this little girl after she’d lost so much? But had he really been so intent on Emma’s happiness that he’d been willing to marry someone he didn’t love—even going so far as to lie about loving her? Apparently so.
Hope closed her eyes, feeling like such a fool.
“Hope, there you are!” Jonas said. He reached down and touched her shoulder. She glanced up, hoping he didn’t notice the thin film of tears in her eyes.
“Oh, ja. I… ” She couldn’t think of a good excuse, and she didn’t want to lie.
“Henry said you gave him your pie.” Jonas smiled, but his gaze displayed worry as he studied her face.
“Yes, I—uh—was going to order another piece.” She forced a smile. “There’s always more where that came from.”
“I’ll get it for you then.”
He strode away with determined steps, and Hope’s stomach sank, as if it was filled with lead. She watched him as he approached the counter and asked one of Lovina’s clerks for another piece. He smiled as he chatted and placed a few folded bills in the tip jar after he paid. Hope’s heart broke watching the interaction. She was certain that she’d never met a more caring and thoughtful man. And up until fifteen minutes ago she’d even dared to dream that man could be her husband. But now… now she knew she’d never let him go through with marrying her. She cared for Jonas too much to let him settle for someone he didn’t love with all his heart, no matter what he said.
He returned a moment later with a plate. He placed the pie before her and Hope said a quick thanks.
Hope looked down at her plate. The last thing she wanted to do was eat, but if she didn’t Jonas would start asking questions, and how could she ever explain that she’d overheard him and Ruth Ann? How could she explain that after four months of appreciating every moment with him and Emma, she now wished she’d never even met them? Maybe then the ache inside wouldn’t be so intense.
She picked up the fork, keeping her head adverted and her eyes on the plate. She took a bite of pie. It tasted good but she couldn’t swallow.
Jonas sat across from her, but she didn’t trust herself to catch his gaze. She didn’t want to try to read more into Jonas’s gaze than he was really wanting to give. And she didn’t want him to see that her heart had just broken in two.
Jonas leaned over the table, and she dared to glance up at him. “Hope, I know I’ve only known you four months, but it seems like years. You’re an answer to a prayer I had been too timid to pray. I never thought I’d find someone again. But from the first moment I saw you, when you were dripping wet and Emma was in your arms… well, it seemed so natural.”
He lowered his head. “It was hard losing Sarah. I’d known her since I was a child, and even before rumspringa I wanted her to be my wife. But what broke my heart most was knowing my little girl would be raised without a mother… ” He paused as if trying to find the right words to say.
A cold chill traveled though her, and she knew what she had to do—where she had to go. Yes, it was true that some couples married because they were a good match and love came later, but that wasn’t what she wanted. Hope wanted—needed—someone to know her and understand her quiet ways. She wanted to be an adored wife, not simply an adored mother. She couldn’t think of anything worse than being lonely in marriage.
When Jonas returned to Kentucky he’d return to his farm, his community, his friends. And where would that leave her? Yes, he’d have someone to be a mother to his daughter, but was he ready to share every part of himself with her? His life and his heart? Hope questioned that.
Hope stood. She leaned down toward him so only he could hear. “Jonas, I’ve been thinking about the future, too, and I think we’re rushing things. My moving to Kentucky is a big step. A big commitment. I’ve enjoyed spending time with you. Seeds of affection have been planted—in both of our hearts. Now, I think we need time to water them. We need time for them to grow.”
Jonas’s mouth gaped opened, and she could see that it was the last thing he expected to hear. “Hope, what are you saying?”
“Well, I’m saying, we don’t need to rush things. You’d never want to dig up a carrot before it’s time—”
“Hope—”
“I care about you, Jonas, I really do. And you know how I feel about Emma. That little girl means so much to me. I’m going to miss you.”
“So you’re not coming to Kentucky?”
“Ne, I’m going to move back to Ohio to help my cousin. We can keep in touch. There are always letters.”
“Letters?”
“Ja.” She straightened her shoulders. “We can spend some time writing letters. To really get to know each other better.”