Just a Little Honesty

by Tracie Puckett

  “Sure.”

  “Do you love him?” he asked, and it was almost as if he’d lost his voice.

  “Luke—”

  “Back then, in the months before he left,” he said. “Your feelings for Derek were strictly platonic.” I nodded, and he looked as though he’d never doubted that fact. “But things seem different now that he’s home. I just… I want to know what’s changed.”

  “I don’t know,” I said. But it wouldn’t have mattered what I said. I knew very well what Luke was fishing for. He wanted me to admit that he’d been right. He wanted to hear it—straight from my mouth to his ears—that I had feelings for Derek.

  “Julie,” he said, now sitting at the very edge of his chair again. His fingers gently traced the naked ring finger on my left hand. “Do you wanna get married?”

  “Whoa,” I said, jerking my hand back. And as soon as I pulled away, his face dropped, and he shook his head.

  “No, no, no,” he said, trying to take it back, but I kept it far from his reach. “I’m not asking you to get married.”

  I sucked in a breath and held it for a minute, but the panic couldn’t drain from my face. “Try again.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, dropping his head as if he couldn’t believe he hadn’t found a better way to phrase his question. I kept my hands planted firmly in my lap as Luke took a few deep breaths to start over.

  “When we started dating in December, I was overwhelmed with work and reconnecting with Dad. And then… Rebecca and Molly showed up, and all hell broke loose. I lost you, and I’m not really sure I ever had you. We went on what… two dates in the matter of months? I can’t remember spending more than a few hours with you in the time that we were ‘together.’ And, like an idiot, I never took the time to ask the questions a boyfriend is supposed to ask. I don’t know what you want from life. Are you going to college in the fall? Have you even applied anywhere? Are you going to strike out on your own and give life a shot? Do you want to get married? Do you want to have children? Do you want the same things from life that your parents had? Or are you chasing after something completely different? Who are you? What do you want, Julie?”

  His questions were all reasonable, and though I’d never taken the time to vocalize my aspirations, I vaguely knew what I wanted from life.

  “I’m not any closer to knowing what I want do about college than I was nine months ago,” I said, thinking back to how much I’d hated the stupid job-shadowing project that’d started all of this. “I loved working on the Fall Ball, and putting the holiday parade together, sure. I think I’m good at executing things like that, but it doesn’t feel realistic enough to work in the long run.” I shrugged my shoulders and tried to think of all the questions he’d asked me. “I don’t even know what dress I’m wearing to graduation, so please don’t expect me to know what I want to do months after I get my diploma. College is probably not going to happen right away. I don’t even know if that’s something I want for myself.” I tried not to smirk as I answered the next question, but it was hard not to considering how he’d first asked. “Yes, I want to get married. I want to experience falling in love to the point of complete bliss; I want to create a happily ever after with someone who loves me as passionately as I love him. I want everything my parents had, Luke. I want to marry the man I love. I want to fall asleep in his arms every night. And… just like my parents,” I said, fighting my tears. “I want to die in his arms.” A single tear slid down my cheek as I watched his begin to well. “I want a family, Luke; of course I want children. And I’d stay in Oakland forever if it meant that my children got to be loved, hugged, and spoiled by Charlie and Matt.”

  Luke simply smirked, so I took that as an indication that I’d answered everything to his satisfaction. I didn’t want to stay up any longer and let the night get any more confusing than it already had. I’d only come down looking for answers about Derek, and somehow I ended up spilling my guts about all the things I wanted—or didn’t want—from life.

  “I think I’ll just go to bed.”

  “Julie,” Luke said, standing up just as I started to walk away. I turned back and watched as he shrugged. “I’m an asshole, I know.”

  “Glad we’re on the same page.”

  “I’ve made you’re life a living hell these past few months, and I’ll never be able to apologize enough. I’m not asking for you to love me, and I’d never dare ask again for your forgiveness; I know I don’t deserve it. But I don’t want you to walk away and think that I don’t know just how bad I screwed up. I know, and I have to live with that.”

  He half-smiled, and I couldn’t help but do the same.

  “I think Derek’s a good guy,” he said, and I could see that it almost pained him to admit that out loud. “You came down here looking for honesty, and that’s what you’re going to get. I’ll never trust him with you, but that’s only because he’s not me. I know he can’t protect you the way I can. And I know for damn certain that he’ll never love you like I do. But I want you to be happy, and if Derek is what makes you happy… tell me, and I won’t stand in your way.”

  My chest rose with a few heavy breaths as I watched Luke’s eyes softly reflect the lamp light. “Promise?”

  “I swear.”

  I nodded once and walked out of the living room, leaving Luke to stand firmly in place as I traipsed up the staircase. I stood at the balcony and watched him for a minute, but he never looked up. He simply stood where I’d left him, looking as though he wasn’t sure what to make of how we’d ended our conversation. After all, he’d done everything short of asking me straight up. Did I want him, or did I want Derek?

  “Luke,” I said, and his eyes slowly met mine. I watched him for a few long seconds, hoping that I wasn’t making the biggest mistake of my life by admitting what I’d known all along. “My happily ever after doesn’t end with anyone but you, I hope you know that.”

  He tried not to smile, but he failed miserably. “You know I love you, right?”

  “That’s beside the point,” I said. “Hearing you say that used to matter. But actions speak louder than words, Luke. So, just… shut up. And prove something for once.”

  He nodded, and I turned back to my bed.

  “Good night, Jules.”

  “Good night, asshole.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Monday, April 08 | 9:00 a.m.

  It wasn’t easy to get the previous night out of my mind. Things seemed to have changed so quickly, and I’m not really sure why. I’d asked Luke for something simple, but he’d given me so much more. He seemed to trust Derek, despite what he’d been saying all along. He just didn’t trust Derek to protect and love me the way he could. And honestly, neither did I.

  But I trusted Derek with my happiness… and that’s why I knew that he’d always be the best friend a person could ask for. What I didn’t know was what Derek expected from our friendship long-term. And I prayed that my decision to follow my heart—to hopefully pursue some kind of future with Luke—wouldn’t break his heart into a thousand tiny pieces.

  All I’d ever wanted was for Derek to come home. I wanted him by my side, encouraging me and guiding me the way no one else ever had. And I finally had that again; he was home and within arm’s reach. I’d spent days, weeks, and months wanting nothing more than for my best friend to show up at my doorstep. And as soon as I had him again, I had no idea where to go from there.

  Had I once had deeper feelings for him that had gone unexplored? Was he ever what I really wanted? I didn’t know. I had no way to know, and it would’ve helped had he ever given me any kind of sign.

  But ever since Derek showed up days after my birthday, he’d barely let me touch him. Every time I’d try to rest my head on his shoulder, touch his arm, or throw my arms around him for a hug, he’d always find a way to duck away as nonchalantly as possible—or so he thought, but it was just as obvious to me as it was to him; he didn’t want me touching him.

  The only time I could actu
ally remember him touching me (after his surprise homecoming) was when he hugged me, pressed a kiss to my head, and whispered that one little word—surprise. And then, of course, the way he comforted me back at Frank’s after the announcement of his father’s prison break. But other than that, as far as physical intimacy was concerned, Derek had remained very distant.

  “Hey, Little,” Luke yelled up the stairs and disturbed my thought process. “You hungry?”

  I reached over and took the extra pillow from the other side of the bed and pretended to smother myself beneath it.

  Hey, Little. You hungry?

  Seriously? After everything we’d talked about the night before? After everything I’d said, everything he’d confessed… after everything! The most he could muster was Hey, Little. You hungry?

  I threw the pillow across the loft, and it hit the opposite wall.

  “Oh, Lucas,” I mumbled sarcastically under my breath as I slid out of my bed. I stood at the balcony and stared down at him, wondering if I looked half as disheveled as I felt. “How did I ever survive without your sweet and loving nature?”

  Luke stood at the bottom of the stairs and didn’t look the least bit impressed by my sarcasm.

  I stomped down the steps, getting closer to Luke with each step I look to the first floor. Once I reached the landing at the bottom of the staircase, Luke and I were practically standing chest-to-chest. He hadn’t moved an inch since he yelled up the stairs, and I could only assume he had no intention of moving by the way he remained weighted to the floor.

  “Luke?” I asked, watching his stern expression. “Can I get through?”

  “You okay?” he asked, squinting as he looked down at me. His eyes studied my pupils before moving to trace the rest of my face.

  “I’m fine, why?” He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t move either. I didn’t know if he expected me to read his mind, but I wasn’t in any kind of mood to play games. “Luke?”

  “You tossed and turned all night,” he finally said, still studying me. “You were talking.”

  “Talking?”

  “In your sleep,” he said, lifting a hand to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. “You sure you’re okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I said, trying to remember what I’d dreamt about the night before, but nothing immediately came to mind. I traced my thoughts back as far as I could remember them, and to no avail.

  “What did….” I cleared my throat and broke our gaze. “What did I say, exactly?”

  Luke studied me for a minute, and his stare almost looked sad and forlorn. When I watched him with worry, his expression quickly changed, and a wicked smile crept up his lip.

  “If I told you that you were tossing and turning, sweating feverishly between the sheets, panting I love you Luke, take me now… would you believe me?”

  “No!” I said, smacking his chest.

  “Yeah, I didn’t think so,” he said, and he almost sounded disappointed. Luke reached forward and stroked my—undoubtedly messy—hair once again. His face inched closer to mine, and just when I thought he was about to attack me with a mind-blowing kiss, he turned his head and pressed his lips gently to my cheek.

  The sound of creaking floorboards pulled my attention away from Luke; my head snapped up, and I looked over his shoulder—keep your eyes peeled, Julie—and my heart almost fell immediately to the floor as I stared at the other man in the room.

  “Oh my God,” I managed to whisper, but I could barely get it out. Standing just a few inches shorter than Luke, his messy blond hair falling at his eye line, my cousin looked at me with wide eyes and a grin. “Mattie!”

  “Hey,” he said, and he opened his arms for an inevitable hug.

  I jumped into his embrace and found myself squeezing him hard enough to snap him in two. “What are you doing here?”

  “Same thing as you,” he said, finally able to pull away from my grasp. He rubbed his side as if my hold had hurt him, but he managed to smile nonetheless. “Dad wanted us out of Oakland.”

  “Us?” I asked, looking around the room. “You’re not alone?”

  “No,” he said, throwing a glance back into the kitchen.

  Kara turned the corner sipping on a glass of orange juice.

  “Oh my gosh, Julie! You’re awake!” she shrieked, and it took every ounce of restraint I had not to jump in the air and scream.

  She slammed her glass down on the counter—a little too—hard and ran to my side. Taking me in her arms and hugging me with as much force as I’d hugged Matt, we exchanged a million hellos. Kara immediately began talking about all of things that were happening back in Oakland, but I couldn’t begin to understand her through all of my explanations. We talked over each other, neither one hearing what the other had to say, but it didn’t seem to matter. We were back together, and having my only real girlfriend nearby was all I could really ask for.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” we both said at the same time as we jumped up and down, and then found ourselves going in for another hug.

  Luke and Matt exchanged wide eyes at the sight of mine and Kara’s hellos.

  “So, not that I don’t want you here,” I said, now standing a few inches from Kara, but we still held each other’s arms. I looked to Matt and then back to her. “But why are you here? Why now?”

  “There’s nothing on Milton,” Matt explained. “No sightings. No leads. Nothing. Dad’s getting restless, I think. He’s starting to fear for anyone with our last name.”

  “But Kara?”

  “She’s your best friend,” Matt said, still watching us as if he couldn’t believe the way we’d just said hello. “Dad’s not convinced that Milton has boundaries. If he sees an opportunity to hurt someone you love… well, there’s always a chance that he might.”

  “Right,” I said, but I tried not to look too disappointed. I was thrilled that Matt and Kara were now joining us at the safe house, but I couldn’t believe that they’d come alone. If Charlie was worried that Conan Milton was going to target the people I loved, the cabin should’ve been much fuller.

  Charlie should’ve been there.

  Bruno should’ve been there.

  Derek….

  Derek most definitely should’ve been there.

  The other three people in the room watched as if they knew exactly what I’d been thinking. I tried to hide it with a gentle smile, but Kara wrapped me into a hug once again.

  “He’s okay,” she whispered against my ear. “We saw him just before we left. Bruno hasn’t let him out of his sight. He’s safe, Julie. I promise.”

  I nodded as if I didn’t need the reassurance, but just knowing that Derek was protected settled my nerves.

  “I’m gonna take a rain check on breakfast,” I said, finally giving Luke the answer to his Hey Little, you hungry? nonsense.

  Kara and I linked arms and turned back to the stairs, talking the whole way up. I asked her about her trip from Oakland, the long walk down the dirt path to the cabin, and whether or not they’d come alone. She said that Charlie had trusted Matt enough to follow the route, and they arrived just an hour or so before I’d rolled out of bed. She said their orders to leave came late in the night, so they had to pack quickly and get out of Oakland as soon as possible. She wasn’t sure what had changed, or why it had changed, but Charlie seemed eager to get them as far away from town as possible.

  And then she asked to hear all about my stay since arriving at the cabin. I tried to keep the details as kid-friendly as possible, but of course I told her about Luke’s half-naked traipse through the cabin the other morning. She fanned herself dramatically as I told her all about it, but her over-the-top reactions only got bigger as I told her about cutting my finger open. I showed her the bandage, but refrained from opening it and facing the wound yet again. Then, I told her that Luke had been nice enough to take me out to see a movie, but I never mentioned that I’d called Matt (just in case he’d never said anything—I didn’t need them mad at each other).

&nb
sp; But Kara wasn’t satisfied with just the simple explanations. Obviously she knew I was brushing over serious details, so—without making Luke sound like a complete girl—I (as quietly as possible) told her about the confessions he’d made—how he’d said he’d always love me, and how he’d promised he’d never give up on me. And of course, as soon as I started in on those stories, she was back to fanning herself.

  Filling her in on the details of my trip (and hearing all about hers) took up the better part of the morning. By the time we’d swapped stories, Kara was strewn across the bed and looking as though she could pass out at any moment. And I completely understood—that’s exactly how I’d looked and felt after the long trip from Oakland to Piqua. I dropped a blanket over her and told her to get some rest, and then I retreated to the first floor.

  Matt was stretched out on the couch, sleeping soundly, but snoring loud enough to wake a hibernating bear.

  “There she is,” Luke said, watching me turn into the kitchen. He stood at the counter with a coffee cup in hand, drinking—what I could’ve only guessed was—his second or third cup for the day.

  “That stuff’s gonna stunt your growth,” I said, repeating the words I’d so often heard Mom say to Dad. It was an ongoing joke with them (because Dad was addicted to coffee, and Mom always got a kick out of his silly reaction).

  “That’d sure be a shame,” Luke said, taking another drink. He savored the taste before flashing me a charming smile.