Her Perfect

by Walls, Stephie

  My eyebrows rose in question, encouraging him to get to whatever point he tried to make before he caused me to be late to my next class.

  “I’m sorry. You must think I’m a total ass. I thought Caleb told you I’d be teaching the class. I talked to him about it last week when I saw your name on my roster. And I’m embarrassed to admit, I assumed you’d know who I was since your brother and I are pretty tight.”

  I continued to stare at him—the way his brown eyes softened like melted chocolate almost had me mesmerized—but when he continued to talk, notably flustered by my indifference, I stayed focused on his words.

  “I didn’t want you to have the impression I’d let you slide just because of my relationship with your brother.”

  “With all due respect, sir, your relationship with Caleb isn’t my concern and holds little interest in my life. I don’t make a habit of arriving late, but even more so, I don’t slide in anything academic. Where my brothers want to be star quarterbacks, I’m aiming for valedictorian, and I didn’t get there by resting on my laurels or my brother’s friendships. Vanderbilt doesn’t give a shit who Caleb Chapman is.”

  He gave me a curt nod of understanding and tilted his head toward the door to excuse me. Two hundred and seventy-nine more days before I could wave goodbye to that cocky bastard…and counting.

  Jess scared the hell out of me when I rounded the corner, exiting Dr. Douche’s classroom.

  “Holy crap, Colbie. What was that about?”

  She kept up with me as we traversed at break-neck speed across the school to AP Chemistry. As hard as it would be to make these trips in the few minutes we were allotted between classes, I was grateful for the bit of cardio thrown into my day. “He’s friends with Caleb. They played ball together at UGA.” I had a bad habit of rolling my eyes. It wasn’t lady-like, and my mother hated it, but that one action said so much that words couldn’t.

  “Jesus. He’s so intense. I can’t imagine Caleb being friends with someone like that. But you have to admit, his broody personality is sexy in a dark way. Did you see his eyes? And if he’s friends with your brother and he’s into football, that means there’s a badass body beneath that Polo shirt and khaki pants.”

  “Yeah, but let’s focus on the only part of that sentence that matters…he’s into football.” I let that statement hang in the air for a minute. She knew what it meant. Guys like that weren’t into girls like us, and girls like us quickly grew bored with guys like that. “And don’t forget, that would make him at least twenty-four.”

  “Age is just a number.” She shrugged with indifference, but I knew her well enough to know she was anything but flippant.

  “So are the years handed down in a prison sentence. Don’t be stupid, Jess.”

  Just before we crossed the threshold to our next class, my best friend turned her head toward me with a dopey grin and a glazed look in her eyes. “Can’t we fantasize about his being an intellectual?”

  “Daydream all you want. I’m not interested. I don’t appreciate being called out in front of the entire class or told he wasn’t going to let me ‘slide’ because of Caleb.”

  As we took our seats and waited for the bell to ring, Jess kept talking. “He said that to you?”

  “Yep. And seemed a little put off that I wasn’t aware of who he was.”

  Men always thought everything was about them. I wondered if the guy had bothered to think of how little I had in common with a brother that was six years my senior, a college football star, and every girl’s wet dream. Although, he clearly knew who I was, which made me pause. I couldn’t imagine Caleb had ever mentioned me to his friends at school. Those I knew back home were by default because I’d grown up around them. I could only recall a handful of times I had talked to Caleb when he was at UGA, and I’d only seen him when he’d come home for holidays. The notion that my brother’s friend even knew my name shocked me almost as much as the warning he’d issued in his class. The few times Caleb, Carson, or Casey had brought anyone home from school—which hadn’t been often—they were always surprised to learn there was a sister they’d never met.

  My parents and my brothers traveled in packs to UGA games. They were all die-hard Bulldog fans. But even as a child, I’d begged to stay with a friend or relative while they were gone. Nothing about football interested me. I hated the noise of the crowd, thought the game was insipid, and couldn’t fathom why anyone would want to watch guys run around on a field and slap each others’ asses. If I didn’t look exactly like the female version of my six siblings, I’d question my heritage. But as it stood, my lineage couldn’t be denied.

  “Earth to Colbie.” She waved her hand in my face to get my attention. “Where’d you go?”

  “Are you surprised he knows who I am?”

  Before she could answer my question, the bell sounded, and the class started.

  * * *

  After school, I gathered my books for hours of homework and made my way out the front of the building to the parking lot. Before I reached the doors, my name being called grabbed my attention. When I saw Dr. Paxton, I waved and kept walking as though I hadn’t fully understood he’d wanted me to stop. I knew from traveling these halls for the last three years, he’d get bogged down in the crowd and not be able to reach me before I was long gone, and I took full advantage. The final bell had rung—he couldn’t keep me here. And I hadn’t done anything wrong…other than cuss in front of him. But it was warranted, and my record didn’t have a blemish on it. If he had an issue, it wasn’t like he couldn’t reach out to his good-buddy Caleb to pass along a message.

  My early acceptance to Vandy was based on academics, but I’d decided to minor in music, and my piano lessons were just as important as any AP class I was enrolled in. With my fall recital only a few weeks away, I was working on some of the most difficult pieces I’d ever played, much less performed. Perfection wasn’t an option; it was a must. I worked with Dr. Chalmers, my music teacher, tirelessly and spent a minimum of an hour a day with him five days a week.

  He was well compensated for his time, but I was also his star pupil. I’d been under his wing since I was seven, and there were occasions I had spent more time with him than I did anyone else in my life. Dr. Chalmers knew if I got into a difficult passage and struggled with it, I wouldn’t leave the practice room until I’d conquered the notes. My parents had waited hours in the parking lot of the university where he taught for me to emerge on more than one occasion. At some point, he had started taking me home until I was old enough to drive myself.

  Today was one of those days where I needed to stay and work. My entire recital would be comprised of Chopin pieces I’d slaved over, and “Étude in A Minor” was causing problems it shouldn’t. I had known the étude was difficult when I’d chosen “Winter Wind,” but there was no point in playing if I didn’t push my limits and test my skills. The notes raced on the page, and my fingers strained to keep up. I needed to spend hours here but had to leave to pick up my brothers from football.

  “Colbie, it will come. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. And if it doesn’t work, then we’ll pull it before the recital.” Dr. Chalmers’s words were meant to soothe, yet they only served to send my nerves into overdrive.

  I’d never pulled a piece, and I wasn’t about to start now. I tucked my dark hair behind my ear and then gathered the sheet music to slide it into my bag. “I’ll get it.”

  His frail fingers met my forearm, and I turned my eyes to his grandfatherly gaze. “Even the greatest concert pianists make mistakes. Perfection is an illusion; don’t try to achieve something that’s unobtainable.”

  My head bobbed in agreement, but nothing could be further from the truth. He worried about me and the pressure I heaped on my own shoulders. When I was younger, he’d listened not only to my fingers on the keys, but hours of my confused chatter as I’d tried to navigate my way in a family that didn’t know what to do with me. Dr. Chalmers was acutely aware that I believed the only way I c
ould prove to my family that something existed outside of football was to be better than great—I had to be flawless.

  My stomach growled on my way to pick up Caden, Clayton, and Collin. The downside to my grueling class schedule and piano afterward was hunger. Couple that with a stressful day, and it was a recipe for an incident or hours on the treadmill. I stared at the clock on the dashboard and mentally calculated whether or not I had time to grab a snack before dinner, and with each passing moment I waited on the Chapman clan, that notion became a fantasy. I couldn’t snack on the way home and then eat dinner thirty minutes after I arrived. Instead, I pulled a room-temperature bottle of water from my backpack and chugged it in the parking lot next to the stadium. It would have to tide me over.

  My agitation grew, and my leg started to bounce. My fingers ran the imaginary keys on my steering wheel as I mentally worked through the étude. The stress of the first day, as well as the encounter with Dr. Paxton, acted as mental blocks on my ability to allow the music to flow. The sooner I eliminated that obstacle and regained control, the faster I’d work through the piece.

  Caden joined me first. He startled me by throwing his backpack onto the floorboard before climbing into the front seat. “Hey, Maestro.” Of all my siblings, Caden and I were the closest, and he was the only person I’d ever let tease me about music or anything else he deemed comical.

  “Hi. Where are the Bobbsey Twins?” The three of them traveled in a pack, and it was rare to see them apart.

  “They had laps after practice for smarting off to the coach. I wouldn’t want to be either one of them when Caleb finds out.”

  Blatant disrespect was something not tolerated in our family—by anyone. My parents didn’t allow it to them or between any of us, and my brothers enforced it down the line. Caleb sure as hell wouldn’t permit it happening on his field to one of his colleagues.

  Before I could ask any questions, my youngest brothers joined us. The chatter amongst the three started almost instantly, so I just put the car in gear and drove home. Clayton and Collin raced from the backseat before I came to a complete stop, but Caden only moved to face me.

  “You okay, Cole?”

  His intuition at fifteen was astounding—not that he couldn’t see the visible distress on my face at the moment, but it wasn’t just when we were together. Caden and I were connected almost like the twins. We didn’t even have to be in the same state, and he’d sense something was wrong and call. That was great when I wanted or needed someone to talk to. It had become a liability in the last six months. And every time I lied to him, I lost a piece of me I would never get back. Part of secrecy was deception, and I’d become a veritable Pinocchio.

  “I’m good. Just got a lot on my plate.”

  His jaw clenched, and his head bobbed slowly in acceptance, but he was leery. Caden knew something was off, yet for the first time in his life, I wasn’t able to confide in him what it was. Our father was a doctor. I was intelligent. I knew the consequences of my choices if I took it too far, but once I’d started, I hadn’t wanted to stop.

  “I’m here when you want to talk.” When, not if. My little brother wouldn’t out me, but if I weren’t more careful, he’d certainly become a hurdle.

  Caden grabbed his bag, and I followed behind him. I hadn’t seen my brother’s truck outside, but there stood Caleb and Chasity in our dining room just the same. They were the picture of perfection. Both gorgeous in their own right, they were as American as apple pie. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t sting to watch my mother and father embrace Chasity in a way they never had me, even though the two of us were different. And regardless of how much I envied the attention she received in my home, I wouldn’t want to be her for all the money in the world. She wasn’t shallow per se; she just lacked depth.

  As the family gathered around the dinner table, yammering on about how the Bulldogs were shaping up for the season, I excused myself without notice to do homework until I was called for dinner.

  “Colbie, where are you running off to?”

  I didn’t have any desire to be bosom buddies with Caleb’s fiancée. We had nothing in common, no shared interests, and talking to her bored me. She taught kindergarten, an admirable profession, and coached the local middle school cheering squad. I didn’t like kids or football, and I doubted she could recall the last bit of literature she’d read that wasn’t written by Dr. Seuss or found at the cash register of the nearest grocery store.

  “I have homework to do and need to practice for my recital.” My tone didn’t reflect my feelings. I kept up the manners instilled in me since birth.

  “You’ve already gotten into college. Stop being so stiff and come hang out.” She meant well.

  “Yeah, Critter. I haven’t seen you in ages. Don’t leave. The books will be there tomorrow.”

  I detested the nickname. One of Caleb’s moronic friends had given it to me when I was a toddler because I scurried away from the people that were always in our home. Neither he nor anyone else in my family understood being an introvert or an outcast. And I was both.

  I snickered. “Yeah? You might want to let your buddy, Dr. Paxton, know you told me to leave the books for another day…you know, since he’s not going to let me ‘slide’ just because I’m your sister.” Mentally, I counted backward…three, two, one—

  “Colbie Chapman, you apologize to your brother this instant. What’s gotten into you? That tone is unbecoming of a lady.”

  Insert internal eye roll. “Sorry, Caleb.”

  He knew I wasn’t, but it pacified my mother and allowed for my escape. I found solace in the retreat of my bedroom. The noise that floated through the house having seven people downstairs made me feel like part of the whole without actually being in it. For so long, I’d wanted to be involved, to fit in, just like the rest of them, but I gave up years ago.

  There was a light tap on my door just before it opened. “Dinner’s ready, Fido. You coming down?” Caden acted as though not attending was an option.

  I closed the textbook after marking my place with my pen. “Yeah.”

  “What’s going on with you, Colbie? You never lose your cool like that, especially not with Caleb.”

  “Nothing. I’m fine.” And I was. I knew what I wanted and how to get it. I just refused to let anyone stand in my way. I wasn’t a child anymore.

  “You’re a liar, but I’m not going to press. For now.”

  Mama had obviously known Caleb would be around for dinner tonight. We were having chicken and dumplings, which was his favorite. The wedding was only a few days away, and then she’d be saying goodbye to her oldest boy and handing him over to another woman. And while she made the best dumplings in the world, I’d grown to hate anytime they showed up on the table.

  There was no color variance. The chicken, the dumplings, the thick liquid they swam in…it was all beige…off-white. They appeared as bland as the life around me did, and I couldn’t stand it. I’d have to find a way to add carrots or a salad to my plate. When I swung open the refrigerator door, the beets immediately caught my attention. I grabbed them along with another bottle of water, sat them on my placemat, and took a seat. Meals in the Chapman house were served family style. Bowls were passed around the table, and each person took what they wanted before handing it off.

  While the color wasn’t appealing, the taste was that of pure comfort. Each bite made my brain hum with pleasure. I tuned out the conversations around me and focused on the way I felt and the joy that settled inside me. There was little these days that brought me serenity, but every now and then, dinner did. Until someone stole the emotion I coveted.

  “Where do you put all that food, Colbie? I wish I could eat like that and stay as tiny as you are.” I stopped chewing and met my sister-in-law-to-be’s grin across the table. “Be careful developing eating habits like that. Your metabolism tanks in your twenties. You’ll have to exercise twice as often to eat half as much.”

  I angled my head to the side just slightly,
my brow furrowed a bit.

  “What am I talking about? You’re the only Chapman who doesn’t do anything sports related. You really are blessed.” She winked at me to indicate her teasing was just that, but my chest heaved with restrained anger.

  I didn’t bother pointing out the hour I spent running every morning before I even started my day. Chasity saw what she wanted to.

  “Oh yeah, Mama said you have one of your little recitals or something coming up.” And as quickly as Chasity had ruffled my feathers, Caleb deflated my balloon.

  My shoulders dropped, although I doubted it was visible to anyone other than Caden, whose jaw ticced in agitation.

  “It’s the weekend of the UGA-Auburn game,” Daddy piped in.

  I anticipated that comment. There was always a game. I just quit planning around them.

  “So we don’t have to go to her piano thing?” Collin looked to our father, hopeful for confirmation.

  He ignored the twins, and instead, addressed his answer to me. “Sorry, buttercup. I wish you had picked another weekend.”

  Clayton and Collin met between their chairs with a loud high-five that clapped and echoed around the table. Caleb and Chasity had already lost interest, and Mama rattled off her tailgating plans for that weekend. But Caden’s stare held mine down the long table. And it was the first time since he was a child that I witnessed his eyes brim with tears. He would be expected to attend the game with everyone else, and even if that’s where he’d have more fun, he knew my heart broke with their dismissal. I refused to force him to face my disappointment, and instead, asked to be excused.

  “Of course, sugar, but don’t you want dessert? Your mama baked a peach cobbler.”

  “No thanks, Daddy.” I loved him. I would always love him. And one day, I hoped he’d brag about me the way he did his sons.

  “Cole?” My little brother’s plea rattled me, but I didn’t stay.

  I knew what Caden was capable of, how quickly he could blow his top, and it just wasn’t worth it. I gave him a feeble smile as I fought the emotion burning my eyes.