Her Perfect

by Walls, Stephie

  Hidden in the shadow of a large hedge and the cover of night, I reached up and cupped her jaw. She shifted her gaze to me. The vulnerable innocence I only caught glimpses of stared up at me through her pale blue eyes, and I stroked her cheek with my thumb. “You okay?”

  Colbie nodded, although she didn’t speak or look away. I could drown in her beauty and not once bother to fight for air. I wanted to soak up her pain, pull her from the situation and take her home with me. The need to protect Colbie could suffocate me if I weren’t careful.

  She closed her eyes, and in a brazen move, slipped her arms around my waist. I didn’t hesitate to use my hold on her to pull her cheek to my chest and wrap my other arm around her shoulders. There I basked in her scent. When she pulled away enough for me to look down, I fought the urge to capture her mouth. Instead, I pressed my lips to her forehead. In my opinion, it was more intimate than a chaste kiss, and there was no way in hell I could take what I wanted from her, standing on the sidewalk. Yet when I leaned back, her eyes were closed, and she wore a contented smile.

  “I need to go.” The strain in her voice told me she didn’t want to.

  I brushed her hair behind her ear. “If you need to talk, you know how to reach me.”

  Her nod was almost imperceptible. Something else lingered on her tongue, but I wasn’t sure what. “I like having someone to run with…if you wanted to work out in the morning.”

  The shy side of Colbie was endearing.

  “I could probably arrange that.”

  Colbie’s grip on my hips tightened, and she lifted onto her toes. She could make a habit of kissing my jaw. “Thank you, Eli.” And she could whisper into my ear anytime she wanted.

  She held my hand as she walked away until the last finger dropped. Then she turned toward her house, looked both ways, and crossed the street. I didn’t move until she waved from the front porch and I saw her safely inside.

  Just as I got home and toed off my shoes, my phone dinged with a text.

  Beautiful: Goodnight.

  Me: Night.

  I was in deep shit, and I didn’t have a clue how to get out of it. Colbie was a siren, and I’d become a sailor. The lure irresistible, and the future inevitable, yet I was too drunk on the melody to assess the danger. But even if I had, there was no possibility that I could walk away.

  Either I had to get myself in check, or Colbie and I needed to have a serious discussion about what we were doing.

  9

  Colbie

  Sunday dinner used to be something I looked forward to. Years ago, it was always the time that everybody was home, and I felt like part of the group even if I just sat and listened to the others talk. Now, I dreaded it. If Caleb came, he brought Chasity with him, Carson and Casey never showed up, and Caden had attached himself to Jess like she was an arm he couldn’t function without. After the last argument with my little brother, I couldn’t hide the tension anymore, and I didn’t try.

  “Jess…” My dad had taken a sudden interest in my best friend. “Are you going to join us for the Auburn game?” He sliced his roast and then put a chunk into his mouth, waiting for her answer.

  Jess glanced at Caden with a smile. “If you have an extra ticket, I’d love to.”

  Caden slid his arm around the back of Jess’s seat. “Of course we do. Dad always buys a season ticket for Colbie, but since she never goes, that leaves an open seat. You should come.”

  Daddy didn’t give her a chance to refuse. “It’s settled then. The ticket is yours.” And he turned the conversation to my mother, discussing a patient of his.

  Across the table, I peered at Jess and Caden through my lashes and tried to avoid eye contact. Jess had always come to my recitals, and either she’d forgotten it was the same day—which I doubted—or she’d chosen Caden over me.

  “Can you pass the potatoes, please?” I asked Mama. “And the roast.” If I couldn’t address my feelings, then I’d consume them instead.

  My mother smiled and sent them down the table through the twins. “I don’t know where you put it all, Colbie. I guess it’s all that running you do.”

  “Why don’t you join the track team, Cole?” It was the first thing Caden had said to me since he’d stormed out of my room.

  Jess interjected, “Or cross country. I hear Dr. Paxton is going to be the assistant coach.” Her smug grin said she knew more than I cared for her to. Thankfully, no one else saw it.

  “Oh, Colbie, sweetheart. That would be fantastic. He and Caleb are very close.” My mother was so naïve. “It would be great to have that on your resume.” She grinned and patted my dad on the arm. “Wouldn’t that be wonderful, Phillip? Another athlete in the family.”

  “Certainly wouldn’t hurt. You should give it some thought.”

  I slanted my head to the side, wondering what planet they all lived on, and why Jess had tried to inconspicuously throw me under the bus. But the only one who still took notice of me was my best friend. The rest of them had moved on to another topic. Her eyes narrowed, and I wondered about her end game.

  My chest heaved with anxiety, and two helpings turned into three. When I reached the point that I thought I’d burst if I put one more bite into my mouth, I leaned back to enjoy the contentment. My stomach pressed against my ribs, and each breath I took was more labored than the last. There was no point in asking to be excused before the dishes were cleared, so I hopped up and grabbed everything I could without drawing anyone’s attention. With the dishwasher loaded, the rest of my family lingered over dessert.

  “Mama, can I be excused?” I prayed she didn’t insist I stay since we had “company.”

  She took my hand in hers and stared up at me from her chair at the table. “Don’t you want any dessert?”

  I puffed out my cheeks and put my hand on my stomach in an exaggerated display. “I can’t eat anything else.”

  “But what about Jess?” My mom apparently hadn’t caught the tension between us, nor had she realized Jess and I hadn’t hung out in quite a while.

  Jess saved me, although I had no idea why. “Go ahead. I’ll come up after cake.” She waved me off, but I didn’t miss the squint of her eyes. Jess had never been a vindictive person, but she had something working in her brain.

  Daddy finally gave me the green light. “Go ahead, sugar.”

  My mom dropped my hand, and I walked to the stairs. Once I was hidden behind the wall, I raced toward my room. The comfort of food had transformed into the pain of guilt. The rush of emotions came as fast as the need to purge. I pushed my bedroom door closed behind me and locked the bathroom once I was inside.

  The lid lifted easily along with the seat. I bent at the waist, put one hand on the edge of the bowl, and started my ritual. The meal had been good, but this would be better. My eyes focused on the still water as I inhaled deeply, exhaled, and then swallowed the tips of my pointer and middle finger, inducing my gag reflex. My stomach jolted but didn’t rebel, not yet. That first spasm, the clenching, was almost as satisfying as the first bite of food. My eyes watered before the tears fell, and they wouldn’t fall until at least the third time I wretched. I hadn’t drunk enough water during dinner, making everything more painful. If I wanted it badly enough, I’d suffer through it. It was my choice. I was the keeper of that destiny. And I coveted the emptiness that remained when I reached it. I jerked my hand from my mouth between each gag and relished in emptying my body, ridding myself of the calories that had tasted so good going down.

  Saliva hung from my fingers and lips, yet I never made a sound. The taste of bile when there was no more food signaled another triumphant win.

  After I peed and flushed, I washed my hands. My eyes were more bloodshot than usual, so I splashed a bit of cold water on my face to cool them. It hadn’t really helped, but no one would see it regardless.

  Or so I thought. I turned off the light and opened the door to find Jess facing the bathroom and staring at me. “Hey. I didn’t know you were in here.” I glanced around t
o see if she was alone—she was—and if she’d closed the door to the hall. She had.

  For the first time in weeks, concern marred her expression instead of hostility. “What’s going on, Colbie?”

  I scrunched my face and pulled my head back as if I didn’t know what she referred to. “With what?”

  She raised her brows and tilted her head. “Do you do that a lot?”

  “Do what?” I’d planned for this scenario in case it ever happened. I just hadn’t planned on it being Jess I had to lie to.

  Jess crossed her arms over her stomach and sat up straighter. “Did you just throw up?”

  I did my best to appear mortified. “Oh gross. No. My stomach is pretty upset.” I paused so she’d believe I had to think about how to put this. “I had diarrhea.” My stomach gurgled to back up my lie. I pressed my palm to the site the noise had come from. “You probably don’t want to go in there for a while.” I used my other hand to point toward the bathroom.

  But I’d prepared for that, too. If she chose to go in, she wouldn’t find anything in the toilet or trashcan. She would, however, be overwhelmed by the deodorizer I’d used to cover up the smell of bile. In fact, she might choke on it as she inhaled.

  Her expression softened, and her mouth quirked to the side the way it did anytime she needed to say something she was uncomfortable with. “Can we talk? Or would you prefer to save it for another time?”

  My head wanted to tell her to take a hike, but my heart missed her. I warred between the two, and in the end, I gave way to emotion rather than reason. “Sure. What’s on your mind?” Maybe I could diffuse whatever came my way by acting nonchalant.

  Jess took a deep breath. Her complexion had taken on a rather green hue, and I worried she might need the bathroom next. “I need to apologize to you.” She held my stare and refused to look away.

  “For what?”

  She laughed, although not because she believed anything was funny. Jess was uncomfortable. “Everything I’ve done since the end of school last year.”

  I chewed on my lip and waited. No part of me had expected an apology. At best, I’d hoped we’d forget about it and find a way to move on that worked for all of us. “Okay…” I sat next to her.

  Jess turned on the bed, drawing one leg into her, and took my hands. It was a bit odd. Nevertheless, sincerity danced in her eyes even though she hadn’t said a word. “Will you hear me out without interrupting? Then you can ask whatever questions you need to or say whatever you have to. I’ll listen if you’ll give me a chance to explain.”

  I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear any of it. Nothing justified all the lies she and my brother had told. I’d be happy if we pretended it had never happened. “You don’t have to do this, Jess.”

  Her fingers squeezed mine, and she nodded almost imperceptibly. “I do.” She took another deep breath and started. “Caden needed help to pass his math final last year. If he didn’t pull a C or better, he wouldn’t be able to play football. One day after school, a couple weeks before the semester ended, he asked me if I’d tutor him.”

  “Why didn’t he say anything? I would have helped him.” This probably wasn’t the time or place to get my feelings hurt over my brother needing a tutor.

  “You said you’d hear me out.”

  I held up my hands in apology. “Sorry. Go ahead.” I laced my fingers together so I’d be able to fidget and keep my mouth shut.

  “He thought your parents would pull him off the team over the summer and make him go to summer school if they found out.” Jess’s facial features went soft in sympathy for Caden. “He’s not like us, Colbie. Caden has to work for every A or B he gets, and in math, he works his tail off for a C.”

  My heart sank. I should have known this, but Caden’s grades had never come up, only his success on the football field. In all fairness, my grades only came up when one of my family members made fun of my drive for valedictorian.

  “Don’t do that. I see you mentally berating yourself. He didn’t want you to know. You didn’t just miss it.”

  Tears welled in my eyes, and I nodded so she’d keep going.

  “Caden came by every night after football practice. I tutored him for an hour or so, and after a couple days, my mom started asking him to stay for dinner. I swear to you, Colbie, it all started out so innocently.” Wrinkles formed on her forehead and between her eyes. She huffed, and I knew this was where she admitted how things changed. “My mom and dad were at some charity thing, but they agreed Caden could still come over. I got the lecture about no boys in my bedroom or behind a closed door, blah blah blah.” She rolled her eyes, and I knew why. Jess had still been committed to our pact at that time—the warnings were pointless because she wouldn’t have entertained an advance from a guy.

  A tiny chuckle escaped my lips as I thought about how preposterous it would have been for my mom to say the same thing to me. At the sound of my laughter, the lines of worry eased on Jess’s forehead.

  “I’m not going to lie to you, Colbie. I was attracted to Caden and had been for two years. But girls like us don’t date guys on the football team, much less ones as popular as the Chapman clan. And with only a year left, I didn’t see risking class rank for any boy.”

  All of it made sense thus far. “What changed?”

  “He kissed me. It was the night before his exam, and he thanked me and pecked me on the cheek. I stood there like a moron. My eyes had to have been the size of saucers. But Caden didn’t pull away. It was like slow motion when he leaned in to kiss me on the lips.”

  I stuck my finger in my mouth, pretending to gag.

  Jess pushed my shoulder playfully. “Stop it. You know I didn’t have a clue what was going on. I’d never kissed a guy, and when he opened his mouth, I lost all coherent thought.”

  “Eww. That’s still my brother you’re talking about.”

  She stopped and raised her brow. “You can’t tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about.”

  I ignored that comment. “Go on.”

  Jess flopped onto her back on my bed. “We’re coming back to that, so don’t think you’re getting out of it just because I’m currently the one in the hot seat.”

  I leaned on the pillows against my headboard. “Fine.” The two of us had done this so many times that if the topic weren’t Caden, this wouldn’t be different than any other night.

  “I thought the whole thing was a fluke, honestly. Caden Chapman could have any girl in school, and it made sense for it to be a cheerleader or someone in his class. Not me. I fought how the kiss made me feel and promised myself that I’d never breathe a word of it to you, since it would never happen again. The next day, Caden’s math teacher graded his exam while he waited after school. And after practice, he stopped by to tell me he’d gotten a B.” She lifted her head to see me. “If you could have seen how proud he was of himself…. Anyway”—Jess dropped her head—“he picked me up in a bear hug and swung me around, thanking me. Then when he finally set me down, the kiss was as natural as the hug had been.”

  She proceeded to tell me that she still didn’t think it had meant anything, and while she had enjoyed it, she certainly didn’t expect it to continue. Jess knew she had violated girl code. Nevertheless, Caden kept stopping by all summer, and before she realized it, they were dating exclusively. By then, Jess was in so deep that she didn’t know how to get out. Her first attempt was in the parking lot on the way into school. And I knew the rest from there.

  “There’s nothing I can do to erase the deception, Colbie. I just hope you’ll forgive me and we can move forward.”

  Trying to be a hard ass was pointless. I missed Jess and Caden. Somehow, I had to find a way to make things work so we all got what we wanted. I just didn’t have a clue how. “I do. And as much as I don’t like you dating Caden, at least I know he’s not a jerk.” I had so many questions I wanted to ask my friend about kissing and making out and sex, but when it was my brother on the other end, I couldn’t bring myself to probe.


  Jess sat up and scooted next to me against the headboard. She took a pillow and hugged it to her chest and drew her legs in with it. When she turned to me, she rested her cheek on her knees. “You ready to tell me what’s going on with you and Dr. Paxton?”

  My neck jerked faster than I could register shock. “Huh? What are you talking about?”

  She hit me with the pillow she’d been cuddling. “Come on. I’m not stupid…. And I may have seen the two of you jogging together last weekend.”

  “What were you doing out that early on a Saturday morning?” Deflecting was my best defense at this point.

  “Driving to your house to go to the game with your family. So, stop avoiding the question. What gives?”

  I shrugged. “There’s nothing going on. Occasionally, he joins me on my morning jogs.” This was not good.

  “He joins you on your morning jogs?”

  “Are you a parrot? Yes. Sometimes he does.” There was no hope of getting out of an interrogation.

  I needed to put some physical distance between the two of us. I got up and turned on some music. It wasn’t loud, so we could keep talking. I just prayed she took the hint.

  She did not. “Isn’t that illegal or something?”

  I plopped down on the corner of my mattress, and my shoulders slumped. “I don’t know, Jess.”

  Jess scooted down the bed next and leaned on me the way she always did when I needed comfort. “Has anything else happened?”

  Here I sat between a rock and a hard place. I was also in the same position Jess had been in with Caden this summer. The difference was, Eli could get in serious trouble if anyone found out, yet lying was still deception, regardless of who it was to protect.