Charlie and the Karaoke Cockroaches
Page 2
‘I am a muscly lady,’ I said.
(Never tell a middle-of-the-night-door-knocker that you are a kid.)
‘Charlie. Open the door. It’s Vivien,’ said a voice that sounded a lot like Vivien.
I wondered whether the voice-that-sounded-like-Vivien sounded a bit too much like Vivien to actually be Vivien. A real person doesn’t always sound like themselves but a person pretending to be a real person always sounds like the person they are pretending to be.
‘I am going to ask you a series of questions,’ I said to the may-or-may-not-be-Vivien, ‘so that I can ascertain who you are and whether I should let you in.’
‘Charlie, it’s Vivien. Open the door. Please,’ said the may-or-may-not-be-Vivien.
‘Are you a burglar?’ I said.
‘No,’ said the may-or-may-not-be-Vivien.
‘Are you a burglar’s accomplice, and while I am talking to you the actual burglar is sneaking in through the back door to do burglarising?’
‘No.’
‘Are you a crazy person who used to live in this house and because you are a crazy person you think you still live here and when I open the door you will shout “WHO ARE YOU!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE!?” and then you will start screaming and it will be very embarrassing?’
‘No. Charlie –’
‘Are you a long-lost relative who wants to give me all their money before they die?’
‘It’s Vivien.’
‘While I have been asking you these difficult and interesting questions, have you been using mind control on me to make me think I have been asking you difficult and interesting questions when actually you’ve been in the house doing burglarising and I didn’t even know?’
‘OPEN THE DOOR!’
‘Close your eyes,’ I said. ‘Picture the sea. How does the sea make you feel: scared, happy, salty?’
(I had read in a magazine that if you want to know what sort of person a person really is it is important to ask them what they think of the sea.)
‘OPEN THE DOOR,’ said the may-or-may-not-be-Vivien. ‘OR I’LL KICK IT IN!’
10
THE THREAT
No one had ever threatened to kick my door in.
Not even Hils.
THINGS HILS HAS THREATENED TO DO
Blow up my door
Flamethrower my door
Put a My Little Pony into a part of my body where a My Little Pony most certainly should not go
Even though no one had ever threatened to kick my door in I knew two things about Vivien threatening to kick my door in.
She could kick my door in.
She would kick my door in.
I opened the door.
11
THE VIVIEN
The may-or-may-not-be-Vivien was Vivien.
12
THE BOX
Vivien walked in and quickly closed the door.
She was carrying a large, shiny black box.
‘I need you to look after this box.’
‘Okay,’ I said.
‘I need your solemn promise,’ said Vivien. ‘Your solemn promise that, no matter what happens, you’ll look after this box.’
I had never made a solemn promise before. Especially not a solemn promise about looking after a box that had been delivered in the middle of the night by someone I hadn’t known for all that long.
It was exciting.
And a bit scary.
‘I solemn promise,’ I said.
Quite a bit scary.
I decided I didn’t want to know why Vivien needed me to look after this box.
‘Why do you need me to look after this box?’ I said.
‘Are you sure you want to know?’ said Vivien.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
‘Yes. I’m sure I want to know,’ I said.
‘All right,’ said Vivien. ‘I’ll tell you.’
13
THE TELLING
Then Vivien told me.
She told me the story of the large, shiny black box.
It was the most amazing story anyone had ever told me.
14
THE SWEARING
‘What I just told you,’ said Vivien. ‘Swear you’ll never repeat it to anyone.’
‘I swear.’
‘Thank you,’ said Vivien, and she opened the door and disappeared into the night.
‘Wait. I have questions,’ I said.
Then I couldn’t remember the questions. Then I could remember. Then I got confused.
‘Why did you set off the axolotl?’ I shouted into the night. ‘Is the fire alarm going to recover? Do you like brain hummus?’
15
THE REALLY
What Vivien told me – the story of the large, shiny black box – really was the most amazing thing anyone had ever told me.
I would really love to tell you.
I really can’t tell you.
Sorry.
16
THE THINKING
It was even later.
I couldn’t sleep even more than before.
I sat on my bed thinking.
Thinking about my solemn promise. To look after the box for Vivien. No matter what happened.
I thought about how I was feeling.
I was feeling happy, worried, excited, like running away, slightly taller than I was yesterday, and like I really needed to do a poo. All at the same time.
This must be what it feels like to make a solemn promise.
I stared at the box.
I thought about the story Vivien had told me.
If her story was true then it was not just a large, shiny black box. It was a large, shiny, mysterious black box. A large, shiny, really, very, super mysterious black box.
I thought about looking after the large, shiny, mysterious black box ‘no matter what happens’. ‘No matter what happens’ includes a lot of matters. A lot of matters that might actually happen. If I needed to look after the box because of matters that might happen, then the matters that might happen were probably bad matters. Really, very, super bad matters. I didn’t like the idea of really, very, super bad matters that might actually happen actually happening. To me.
I felt a bit less happy.
A bit less excited.
A bit less tall.
I felt a bit more like running away and a bit more like doing a poo.
I knew what I had to do.
17
THE HOUSE
It was early morning. I was standing outside Vivien’s house.
I was standing outside Vivien’s house because I was going to go inside Vivien’s house and tell her that, no matter what happened, I could not look after the box.
Even if I had made a solemn promise.
I couldn’t tell her, though.
I couldn’t tell her because she wasn’t there. No one was there.
Vivien’s house was completely empty.
18
THE SIGNS
Vivien’s house was completely empty and completely covered in signs.
19
THE SECRET
It was the morning.
I met Hils outside her caravan and we walked to school.
I didn’t know what to do with the box now that Vivien had disappeared after she’d reappeared after she’d disappeared the first time.
I needed Hils’s help.
To get Hils’s help I would have to tell her about Vivien and the box and the signs on Vivien’s ex-house.
But I couldn’t tell her the amazing story Vivien had told me. The story I had sworn never to repeat to anyone.
I needed to be subtle and only give Hils the information I wanted to give her.
I was really, very, super bad at being subtle and only giving Hils the information I wanted to give her.
I decided that I wasn’t going to tell her anything.
But I needed her help.
‘What am I going to do?’ I said out loud instead of just thinking it like I meant to.
‘About what?’ said Hils.
‘Nothing. Nothing.’
‘About what?’ said Hils.
She stopped walking. She started staring. At me.
Hils was going to stare at me until I told her what the nothing was.
I started walking faster. To get away from her staring.
‘About what?’
I could feel Hils still staring at me.
I kept walking.
I wasn’t going to tell her.
‘About what?’
I could feel Hils still staring at me harder.
I started to slow down.
I wasn’t going to tell her.
I could feel Hils staring at me even harder.
I stopped.
I wasn’t going to tell her.
‘About what?’
I wasn’t going to tell her.
‘About what?’
I told her.
Everything.
Well almost everything.
‘I need you to relate to me all intelligence you gathered from Vivien pertaining to the box,’ said Hils. That is the army way of saying, ‘You have to tell me the story Vivien told you about the box.’
‘I can’t,’ I said. ‘I swore not to.’
‘Then I can’t help you,’ said Hils.
‘You have to help me.’
‘Negative.’
‘Awwww.’
It was the afternoon. I was sitting outside Hils’s taekwondo training place waiting for her to finish her class. While she practised kicking and grunting I sat on the front steps reading my book. After a while one of the taekwondo teachers came out and asked me if I wanted to come in and join one of the classes.
‘Thank you, but I can’t,’ I said. ‘I have twice as much blood in my body as normal people. If any part of me gets hit I will just pop like a blood-filled balloon and instantly die.’
The teacher went inside.
I went back to my book. But I couldn’t concentrate on it. I was too busy concentrating on Vivien turning up with the box and then Vivien disappearing without the box and then Vivien’s house not being her house any more and then Vivien not being at school. What was I going to do? I couldn’t look after the box. Looking after a mysterious black box was a big responsibility. I wasn’t ready. I needed to practise looking after boxes. I needed to start on an easier box. I needed to practise on a less-black, less-mysterious box that was less-delivered in the middle of the night by someone less-Vivien.
What Hils’s Taekwondo Class
Sounded Like From Where
I Was Sitting Outside
Rustle
Bow
Rustle
Bounce, bounce, bounce
Swish
Grunt
Dodge
Swish
Grunt
Dodge
Bow
Sip, sip, sip
Bow
Swish
Grunt
Thwack!
‘Owwww!
Why did you hit me so hard, Hils!?’
Thwack!
‘Stop hitting me, Hils!’
Thwack!
‘Owwww! Hils!’
Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!
‘Owwww! Owwww! Owwww!’
Thwack!
‘Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!’
Bow
Rustle
Push, push, push
‘Hello? Yes. Ambulance please. It’s
Damien. Hils just broke his leg again.
Yes, I’m sure it’s broken. It looks
exactly like it did the last time she
broke it. Thanks.’
Rustle
Bow
Swish
Thwack!
‘Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!’
‘Hils! Leave Damien alone.’
Bow
Rustle
Siren
What I mainly needed to do was to give the black, mysterious box back to Vivien.
But I didn’t know where Vivien was. I was no good at giving things back to people when I didn’t know where they were.
I needed Hils’s help but Hils had told me she wouldn’t help me unless I told her the amazing story that Vivien had told me. The one I’d sworn I would never repeat to anyone.
Hils sat down next to me. She had finished taekwondo-ing.
‘How’s Damien?’ I said.
‘He’ll live,’ said Hils.
Hils stared at me.
‘If you want me to help you work out a strategic battle plan then you must provide me with all available intelligence,’ she said.
‘If you want me to help you work out a strategic battle plan then you must provide me with all available intelligence’ is the army way of saying, ‘I’m not going to help you work out what you should do with the mysterious black box now Vivien has completely disappeared unless you tell me the amazing story that Vivien told you about the box, the one you swore never to repeat to anyone.’
‘I can’t tell you,’ I said. ‘I swore I’d never repeat it to anyone.’
‘Then I can’t help you,’ said Hils.
‘But you have to help me.’
‘Negative.’
‘But you really, very, super want to help me.’
‘Negative.’
‘Why,’ I said, ‘does no one in Vivien’s street seem to have noticed that yesterday Vivien and her family were living in their house and today they’ve completely disappeared and their house is covered in signs and being guarded by antelopes with sword-filled cannons?’
‘If something seems like it really couldn’t or really shouldn’t have happened, adults are very good at ignoring it,’ said Hils. ‘As long as it doesn’t wake them up at night, poo on their lawn or scratch their car they won’t see it or care about it.’
‘See, you do want to help me.’
‘Negative.’
‘I can’t tell you what Vivien told me. It’s a secret.’
‘I hate secrets,’ said Hils.
‘No you don’t,’ I said. ‘You love secrets.’
‘What I think about secrets is classified,’ said Hils.
‘“Classified” is just another way of saying “secret”,’ I said. ‘See, you do love secrets.’
‘I have asked my mum to buy me an armoured personnel carrier for my birthday,’ said Hils.
Whenever I was right about something and Hils knew I was right about something and was annoyed that I was right about something she just ignored what I had said and started talking about something else entirely.
‘Don’t ignore what I said and start talking about something else entirely,’ I said.
‘Gum leaves are a good substitute for toilet paper,’ said Hils.
She did it again. It was so annoying. Okay, I thought. Two can play at that game.
‘Sweet and sour pork isn’t really that sour,’ I said.
Ignoring what someone has said and just saying something else entirely was easy.
‘Thumbtacks can actually be pressed in with any finger,’ said Hils.
‘It would be impossible for a mole to drive a car because they are totally blind,’ I said.
‘The world’s largest owl is exactly the same size as a meerkat standing on a skateboard,’ said Hils.
‘I enjoy . . . um . . . pink . . . um . . . grapefruit,’ I said.
Okay. Ignoring what someone has said and just saying something else entirely wasn’t all that easy.
‘The French general Napoleon was exactly the same size as a meerkat standing on top of the world’s largest owl,’ said Hils.
‘Okay, okay,’ I said. ‘You win.’
‘Affirmative.’
‘YOU HAVE TO HELP ME, HILS, BECAUSE THERE IS A MYSTERIOUS BLACK BOX AT MY PLACE AND VIVIEN HAS DISAPPEARED AND I HAVE NEVER HAD A FRIEND DISAPPEAR ESPECIALLY WHEN I NEEDED TO GIVE THEM BACK A MYSTERIOUS BLACK BOX AND I’M NOT SURE WHAT TO DO AND YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE
AND I’VE NEVER BEEN IN A SITUATION WHERE SOMEONE WAS MY ONLY HOPE AND I DON’T LIKE IT PLEASE HELP ME.’
‘Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day,’ said Hils. ‘Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.’
‘I DON’T WANT TO KNOW HOW TO FISH, HILS, I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO RETURN A BLACK BOX TO A DISAPPEARED-PERSON AND YOU KNOW I DON’T LIKE FISHING AFTER THAT TIME I CAUGHT A FISH AND WHEN I PULLED IT OUT OF THE WATER IT GAVE ME SUCH A HORRIBLE LOOK AND THEN EVEN WHEN I THREW IT BACK IT POPPED UP OUT OF THE WATER AND LOOKED AT ME IN A HORRIBLE WAY AGAIN AND I DON’T LIKE TARTARE SAUCE EITHER AND THAT ALWAYS COMES WITH FISH.’
‘Halt!’ said Hils. ‘At ease. Maintain radio silence.’
‘Halt’, ‘at ease’ and ‘maintain radio silence’ are all army ways of saying, ‘Shut up, Charlie.’
‘You will not provide me with all pertinent intelligence, therefore I cannot make accurate strategic plans. I can only facilitate you in developing your own campaign,’ said Hils.
‘What does that mean?’
‘It means,’ said Hils, ‘that we are going to relocate to the park and we are going to have a Thinc-nic.’
‘What’s a Thinc-nic?’
20
THE INGREDIENTS
We arrived at the park.
Hils took off her large, green, camouflaged backpack, placed it on the ground and took out the following items:
1 large, pink My Little Pony picnic blanket featuring a picture of four My Little Ponies all having a great time (I can’t remember their names but I think one was Rainbow Sparkle or Flutter Dash or something like that)
1 small battery-operated blender
1 carton of coconut water
1 tin of tuna (pole and line caught)
1 tiny, ferociously red chilli
1 branch covered in small leaves
1 blue plastic container which seemed to have something grey and squashy in it
1 nine-volt battery – the small rectangular ones with the two sticky-out bits at one end. The sort you put in smoke alarms.