Cruise Chaos: A Humorous Cruise Ship Cozy Mystery (Cruise Ship Cozy Mysteries Book 3)

by A. R. Winters

  “Don’t try and run! If you do, next time we’ll break your legs,” Cece threatened. She sounded pretty serious.

  I climbed off Betty and Sam released her legs.

  “Go sit in that chair and don’t move.”

  While Betty did as she was told, I called Ethan to tell him that we’d captured Betty.

  In less than five minutes, Ethan was there, two more security officers behind him.

  “Good work,” he said to me.

  We’d spent the time while we waited for Ethan staring at Betty, while she sat silently tight-lipped in the armchair we’d originally found her in. She hadn’t made any further escape attempts.

  When Ethan arrived, we finally started talking.

  “Betty,” I said to her. “Felicity found out you had stowed away, and you killed her. Isn’t that right?”

  “Or maybe you just killed her because you wanted her cabin,” said Cece.

  “Please, you’ve got it all wrong. I didn’t harm anyone.”

  None of us believed her. At least not yet.

  Betty lifted one hand nonchalantly. “You’re right, I’m a stowaway. It’s what I do.”

  “What do you mean it’s what you do? Like a job?” asked Sam.

  Betty shrugged.

  “I like ships. I like cruising. But I can’t afford the rates they charge nowadays, not on my disability allowance.”

  We looked at her skeptically. She didn’t look like she should be eligible for a disability allowance.

  “So,” continued Betty, “I sneak aboard ships. I come in when no one’s looking, find myself somewhere to hunker down, and then just enjoy the ride. Sometimes I try and help out by doing some work.” She looked at me. “Thank you for giving me a chance to help with the murder mystery.”

  I crossed my arms and glared at her. I hadn’t meant to help her out; she’d taken advantage of me.

  “But you have to understand, I’m not a violent person. I’d never hurt anyone. I wasn’t scared of getting caught by Felicity or anyone else.”

  “Why not?” asked Ethan suspiciously.

  “Because what are you going to do?”

  “Throw you overboard,” said Cece threateningly. Ethan reached out a calming hand and squeezed her arm. I didn’t think employees were supposed to subject guests, even illegal ones, to death threats.

  Betty wasn’t scared by Cece’s threats and just shook her head at my friend, an amused smile on her lips.

  “You don’t think this is the first time I’ve been caught, do you? Goodness, no,” she let out a little laugh and a dismissive shake of her head. “No, what usually happens is I get caught, and they put me in the brig, or confine me to an empty cabin, until we return to an American port. They refer me to the police, but I always end up being let go. It’s not like they can sue me for losses—I don’t have anything for them to take away from me.”

  “Don’t you think it’s in bad taste to go into a dead person’s cabin?” asked Ethan with a frown. “And then a crime scene? That’s even worse in a way.”

  Betty shrugged nonchalantly. “The dead don’t care.”

  “Are you sure about that?” said Cece.

  “Well, they’ve never complained to me,” said Betty. “Anyway, this was only the second time I’ve used a dead person’s cabin. It’s not exactly a regular occurrence.”

  “The second time?” asked Ethan curiously.

  She nodded. “Sure. In fact, I think it was this same ship. There was another murder, and I used that guy’s cabin too for a few days. It was lovely. Much better than Felicity’s, or this place.” She looked around the room as if examining it and finding it lacking. “He had one of those VIP staterooms. Lovely bathtub, and the views from the terrace were to die for.”

  I stared at her. She’d used the cabin of one of the previous guests who’d been killed, too! She was unbelievable!

  “So,” she continued, “I think you can see why I wouldn’t have killed Felicity Bull over being caught. It’s a ridiculous suggestion.”

  “That’s a nice story you’re spinning,” said Ethan, “but I don’t buy it.”

  The expression on Betty’s face went dark. She didn’t look like she liked it when people refused to believe her. It was like we were seeing a small glimpse of another, meaner Betty who was hidden underneath her placid exterior.

  “I know for a fact that Swan prosecutes stowaways to the full extent of the law. If you’d been caught on a Swan ship before, you’d have been locked up, and they would have sued you too. I don’t buy that you’re not scared of being caught in the slightest.”

  This jived with my earlier theory that she had killed Felicity because she had found out about the stowing away.

  “Furthermore, we have a witness who says you attacked another passenger,” I added.

  “What? Attacked who?”

  “You know exactly who. Harley Dane. She saw you, so don’t pretend you know nothing about it.”

  “But I don’t know anything about it,” she said. “Do you mean that ruckus last night? That was nothing to do with me.”

  “Zip it,” said Cece. “You’re caught, now fess up and admit it.”

  “I will not,” said Betty angrily. “Never.”

  “I think we’re done here,” said Ethan. He turned to the two security officers he’d brought with him. “Guys? Take her down to the brig.”

  The two young security guards who had accompanied Ethan stepped forward smartly and offered her their arms. She looked at them for a moment like she was considering refusing and forcing them to drag her out, but she relented with a sigh. Betty climbed to her feet, and with the two guards’ arms locked in her own, she was led out of the library.

  “How’d you know she would be in here?” asked Ethan.

  “She liked the dead passenger’s cabin. It seemed logical that she’d use this comfortable room instead, since she obviously had no regard for the dead.”

  Ethan nodded.

  “Okay. I’m going to sort out a formal interview with her. And I suppose I’d better inform the captain that we’ve caught our killer.” He said the final sentence with a tone of weary annoyance, as if he really did not want to have to talk to the captain about anything.

  “Guys?” said Samantha, getting our attention. “We’ve only got five minutes until the final scene.”

  “Oh, cornstalks! You’re right!”

  Cece shook her head at me in disappointment. She’d been trying to persuade me that there were much better words than cornstalks to express frustration, but the nagging voice of my grandmother in my head didn’t allow me to experiment with any of Cece’s words. I shuddered at the thought of it.

  With a feeling of elation that the biggest mystery had been solved, the three of us hurried out the door and across the hallway to the library.

  Without the worry of a murderer on the loose, it would all be smooth sailing from here.

  At least that’s what I thought.

  Chapter 30

  The three of us walked into the game room together, all feeling quite pleased with ourselves. We’d caught our murderer, and now all we had to do was wrap up the pretend murder. Then things could go back to normal and I’d finally get a chance for a rest. And a proper meal.

  It looked like a full house in the game room, with all of the mystery guests present. There was one thing that worried me though.

  I nudged Sam. “I’m worried Edward isn’t going to show. He’s supposed to do the big reveal.”

  Sam frowned and nodded. “Right. I know I’m no Edward Dane, but do you want me to take his part if he doesn’t come?”

  I winced and nodded. It really should be Edward, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he was on strike after our earlier altercation.

  “There you are! I am most annoyed. Most. Annoyed,” said Oliver McGinty as he approached me.

  “I’m so sorry we had to leave you earlier. Something very urgent came up.” I lowered my voice so that he would know I was revealing confidential in
formation to him. Making people feel special is a good way to dampen their anger. “We found the person who committed the real crime, partly thanks to what you said.”

  He blinked, a little smile forming on his lips until he forced it down again. “And my books? Does that mean I can get my books now?”

  “Ummm,” I hesitated. “Not quite yet. After this scene, I’ll check with the first officer and we’ll get your books out of there. Today. I promise.”

  He stared at me for several seconds and then offered me a nod of acceptance. That was one more fire put out for now.

  Tap, tap, tap.

  I was near the door and I could hear the approach of Edward and Harley Dane before they arrived. He was using his new wooden cane and seemed to be whacking it on the floor extra hard as he walked, as if testing out its durability.

  I put on my best smile as they entered, trying to look welcoming, apologetic, friendly, and not the kind of person you’d want to sue, all at the same time.

  “I suppose I better do my part,” said Edward.

  “That would be really, really wonderful, thanks,” I said as brightly as I could manage.

  He walked to the center of the room. In this scene, he was to play a police detective, and any amateur sleuth worth their salt should be able to figure out the solution to the mystery by the time he was done.

  Harley stood next to me. Neither of us spoke for a moment. As Edward began saying his lines, Harley offered me a small smile.

  “I think I went a little off the handle at you earlier,” she said, much to my disbelief. “I guess having found Edward’s cane, it wasn’t too unreasonable for you to jump to the conclusion that you did.”

  Hallelujah. It was a miracle.

  “No, it was my fault. I’m sorry, Harley. I should have thought about it more. Just because it was Edward’s cane doesn’t mean he did it.”

  We smiled at each other again, this time a little more fully.

  “I’ve got some good news,” I said to her. “We caught her.”

  “The hat lady?” asked Harley.

  I nodded. “Yep. She was a stowaway, of all things. She hid in Felicity’s room, and then she started hiding in the library. We caught her there just now.”

  “No,” said Harley, gripping my arm in excited surprise. “That’s amazing. Well done, you.”

  I basked in the moment of recognition. I hadn’t received much of anything apart from blame during this cruise so it was good to finally be congratulated on something by a guest.

  “We won’t sue you. Edward really wanted to push it, but I told him I didn’t think we should go after you personally. I mean, after all, it’s not like we need the money, right? He’s rich from his books and I’m... comfortable from my inheritances.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “Is Ethan off the hook too?”

  She nodded. “Edward was really irate, though. I think he’s going to still try and get some compensation out of Swan for being locked up overnight.”

  “Well, I think he should get some compensation. We made a mistake and we should pay for it.”

  We both nodded at each other in companionable agreement.

  Edward began to address the room loudly as he played his part of detective, going over a number of the clues that had been dropped in earlier scenes, and setting it up for the grand reveal.

  While I watched, I thought about what Harley said. About how it was Edward who was so keen on suing us. And then what she had said about them both being rich.

  I slowly bit my lip as I thought. Was Edward rich, though? Perhaps he wasn’t. Perhaps he had gambling debts that his wife didn’t know about. That would have been why he was so keen on suing, to get some money to pay off the scary Las Vegas bookie.

  “I think we won’t ever need to worry about money again—not that we do—but even less so,” said Harley with a boastful little smile.

  Don’t you just love it when rich people brag about how much richer they’re getting?

  “Why’s that?” I asked politely. I knew she wanted to tell me.

  “Edward’s new book is brilliant, just brilliant. I read it all last night. It’s about this Celtic goddess who’s a police detective, and—”

  “Oh! You mentioned it before!” I said, interrupting. I didn’t need a recap of an unpublished book I was never going to read.

  Harley beamed at me, pleased that I remembered.

  “I think, and Edward agrees, that the publishers are probably going to have a bidding war over it. It’s just so good, you know?”

  Harley was beginning to annoy me again now. I didn’t want to hear about how wonderful, clever, and rich she and her husband were. It didn’t exactly make me feel good about myself.

  “I’m happy for you. I’m sure it’ll be a big success,” I said politely, turning to watch Edward play his role.

  I managed a good ten seconds of watching the mystery before Harley was tapping me on the arm again. I turned to her with a polite smile, hoping she wasn’t planning to bore me with more bragging.

  Luckily, this time she wasn’t.

  “I was thinking, about this stowaway,” she said, gripping my arm.

  “Yes? Awful business, isn’t it?”

  She nodded quickly but it wasn’t what she was getting at. “I was thinking… I understand why she might have killed Felicity—because she’d been found out. But why in goodness’ name did she attack me?”

  Good question. One I hadn’t yet considered. After a few seconds, it came to me though.

  “I think to frame your husband, I’m afraid,” I told her sadly. “If Edward were blamed for attacking you, suspicion would fall on him for the death of Felicity, too.”

  Harley nodded. “I suppose that makes sense. I mean, suspicion already had fallen on Edward.”

  I gritted my teeth. Suspicion had fallen on Edward because of me.

  Harley and I turned back to watch as Edward came to the closing part of his scene. But while it was playing out, I couldn’t stop thinking about everything. While I’d been certain I’d solved everything before, I was now having annoying, nagging doubts.

  Why was Edward so keen to sue?

  Were his gambling debts relevant? And how come Harley seemed to be unaware of them?

  And did the stowaway really try and murder Harley in cold blood, just to point suspicion on Edward?

  The best I could come up with was maybe. But maybe there was something we were missing, some clue or fact that would explain everything properly.

  Edward finished speaking, and the crowd around him began an enthusiastic round of applause. His character had reviewed all the clues that had been dished out, leaving them on a cliffhanger of who the actual fake killer was.

  I hopped up onto a chair to address the room.

  “Thank you ever so much, Detective,” I said with a nod toward Edward when the room had quieted down. “I would ask all of you excellent sleuths to write down your best guess as to who the real killer was, and what was their motivation. We’ll go through all the answers you have submitted over the last couple of days, and the first person to reach the right conclusion will win a free Swan cruise!”

  There was a loud ooh and aah from the crowd as well as another smattering of applause.

  “And that’s not all! Every correct entry will also receive an autographed copy of one of Edward Dane’s books!”

  There was another happy round of applause.

  Tap, tap, tap.

  “Ahem! Excuse me!” said Edward Dane, getting everyone’s attention. “Can I add—I will give a free autographed copy of one of my books to everyone who has taken part, not just those who get the correct answer!”

  There was more cheering and clapping at this happy announcement. Even the losers would be winners.

  It was now up to the guests to put their final solutions to the crime, as well as the motive, into the box.

  “The winner will be announced tomorrow morning, in here! I hope you’ve enjoyed participating in our murder mystery eve
nt and you’ll all come and enjoy another cruise with Swan soon.”

  More applause. I could get used to this. It was addictive. I found myself wanting to make another announcement so that I could bask in more adulation, but I didn’t really have anything else to add. Still, there’d be more tomorrow.

  “Well done,” said Sam to me as we stood by the door, waving people out.

  “Excuse me?”

  An older lady with permed hair and pearl earrings was approaching me with a confused smile. According to her name tag, she was called Gladys. I’d seen her around, participating enthusiastically in every scene we had performed, taking meticulous notes, and, blessing of blessings, she hadn’t complained once.

  “Yes?” I said kindly.

  “Are we supposed to put both our answers in the box?”

  I frowned at her. “Both? You’re only supposed to have one killer and one motivation.”

  She looked down at her envelope and frowned at it. “Oh, dear. Which one was I part of?”

  “I’m sorry?” I asked in confusion.

  “Which killing? The big woman or the dummy?”

  Oh no. She thought Felicity Bull’s death was part of the game.

  “Just... just the dummy. Please. Thanks.”

  With a little nod to herself, the lady finished writing on her card, dropped it into her envelope, and popped it into the box.

  When she was gone Sam and I both looked at each other in disbelief.

  How could some people be so clueless?

  Chapter 31

  The next morning, the atmosphere was jovial in the game room as the guests gathered for the winner to be revealed.

  Sam and I had gone through all the answer cards the night before to find out who was the winner of the competition. The guests had submitted their best guess at the end of each day, and we were surprised to find that the winner had indeed figured it all out by the end of the second day, not needing the final hints and clues at the end.

  Almost all the guests had figured out the correct culprit by the very end, so in that regard everyone would be a winner, but it was only one person that had figured it all out by the end of the second day and would thus win the free cruise.