The Kiss

by Danielle Steel

  “What were you? An ice skater?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at him. She was a bright girl, and he already liked her style.

  “I'm in politics.”

  “Is that something you can't do sitting down? That's news to me.”

  “You know what I'm talking about.”

  “Yeah, I do. I used to feel that way too, and then I figured out how stupid it was. I talk funny now. I forget things sometimes, I fall down in the middle of talking to someone. Pretty embarrassing. And I don't know if I can work anymore either. But I'll be goddamned if I'm going to give up my life over it. I'm better than that. I can do other things. I still look halfway decent,” she said modestly, and he rolled his eyes, they were friends now. Friendships here formed quickly, it was like shipboard, and the bond they had in common held them fast. “I'm still smart, even if I sound stupid. And if that's not good enough for someone, then to hell with them. My fiancé doesn't give a damn about all this, and if he did, I wouldn't want him anyway. Maybe you should give the lady a chance to make up her own mind.”

  “It's a little more complicated than that.”

  “What isn't?” Helena said, unimpressed, watching the game again for a minute, and then she turned her eyes back to Bill. “Just make sure you don't decide that for the wrong reasons. I'd bet my ass that if she's worth your loving her, and she probably is, she wouldn't give a damn if you can walk or not.” He knew that what she was saying was true. But for Isabelle there was still the problem of Teddy. And for Bill, whether he continued seeing her or not depended on whether or not he could walk again. It was a condition he had imposed on himself, unbeknownst to Isabelle.

  “You know, Helena, that's a bet I'd like to take,” he was teasing her right back. But he had heard everything she'd said, and was profoundly touched, not only by her own courage, but for her candor with him.

  “What bet?”

  “Your ass,” he said, and she laughed out loud.

  “Calm down, big boy. You're in love, and I'm engaged.”

  “It's a damn shame,” he said with good humor. They sat together like old friends for the rest of the game.

  Joe's team had won when he finally joined them again. He was happy and sweaty, and a gorgeous kid, Bill noticed again as the three of them went back to the cafeteria for something to drink afterward, and most of the members of both teams and their supporters were there. It had been a fun evening, and when Helena left them finally to go back to her room, Joe grinned at Bill.

  “So, is she breaking her engagement?” Joe asked with a grin. “We've all tried.”

  “I'm working on it, but not yet.” They both knew he was only kidding. She was madly in love with her fiance, and Joe said he was a great guy. They were planning to be married in the spring, and Helena was determined to walk down the aisle under her own steam. And from what he'd seen that night, the indomitable spirit that shone from her like a beacon, Bill figured she could do it. She was a terrific girl.

  “She has a sister who comes to visit her,” Joe commented to Bill as they rolled back to their dorm. “She looks like a frog.” Bill laughed out loud. “They must have had a different mother or something. Helena fixed me up with her, and I was really surprised. But she's very nice.” The two men exchanged a very male glance, and Bill laughed again.

  “It works that way sometimes.”

  “So will you play with us next time?” Joe asked as they rolled down the hall to their rooms.

  “I think I'd rather watch.” He had enjoyed the conversation with Helena, and was thinking about what she'd said, but he still didn't agree with her. He was not going to be a burden or an invalid in anyone's life, and surely not Isabelle's, even if they only met a couple of times a year. That was a headache she just didn't need. She had enough in her life without that.

  “Do you want to come into New York tomorrow? Some of the other guys are coming with me. We're going to dinner and a show.”

  “I'd love to,” Bill said kindly, “but my daughters are coming to see me. They're coming up from school.” Olivia was coming up from Georgetown, and Jane from NYU.

  “How old are they?” Joe asked with interest. He was definitely interested in girls, although he hadn't actually dated anyone since the death of his fiancée.

  “Nineteen and twenty-one. I'd like you to meet them if you're around when they get here.”

  “We're not going to the city till six o'clock,” Joe said as they got to Bill's room. “I've got a swim meet tomorrow, but I'll be here.” He had been the captain of his college swimming team.

  “I'll look for you,” Bill promised, and then they both went to their rooms. Bill felt bad because he hadn't had time to call Isabelle that night, but it was too late to call her now. It was five in the morning for her. And then he decided to wait an hour and call her when she got up.

  He lay in bed and read for an hour, trying not to fall asleep, and then at midnight, he called. She was very quick to answer the phone, and she sounded relieved to hear his voice.

  “Are you okay? I was worried about you.”

  “I'm fine. I went to watch a basketball game. They're running my ass ragged here. But it's a very impressive place.” He told her about the people he'd met and the stories he'd heard, and the therapy he'd done all day.

  “My God, I don't think I could do any of that,” she said, impressed.

  “I'm not sure I can either. You only get one day off. The girls are coming tomorrow, it'll be good to see them.” He hadn't seen them in two months, and he missed them both. He was surprised to find he missed Cynthia too. But he didn't tell Isabelle that. After thirty years, Cynthia's presence had become a habit in his life that was hard to break, even if it was a habit he felt no longer belonged in his life. “How are you, sweetheart?”

  “I'm fine. I just got up. Teddy's still asleep.” They chatted for a little while, and then finally hung up when she heard the boy stir, and she was still thinking of Bill when she went to check on Teddy. She gave him his morning medications, and he went right back to sleep. She went to her own room and dressed, and stood looking at the garden for a long time, thinking of Bill. It saddened her to realize that it would be a long time before they saw each other again, but it was for a good cause. But she knew it might be as long as a year.

  And in his own bed that night, Bill smiled to himself as he thought of her and drifted off to sleep. Helena's words came back to him just as he was dozing off, and they made sense to him, but he still thought she was wrong for him. He didn't belong in Isabelle's life, or anyone's, if he couldn't learn to walk again. He believed it to his very core, although his belief was counter to everything he was seeing here. But Helena was beautiful and young, and a woman… she just didn't understand how he felt… it was different for him… he was a man. He knew that if he couldn't walk back into Isabelle's life, he couldn't be there at all.

  Chapter 14

  When Olivia and fane came to visit Bill the next day, they were thrilled to see him, and they both thought he was looking well. He showed them around the hospital and the grounds, introduced them to the people he'd met, and then found a quiet corner to sit with them outside in the warm September air. It was a sunny afternoon, and both girls were looking happy and well. They had a lot to say, they talked about their mother a lot, and said they'd missed him, and wished he'd come home. They were still both very upset about the divorce, but they were both distracted by school.

  They went to the cafeteria for a hamburger in the late afternoon, before they left, and when they got there, they ran into Joe. Bill introduced the three young people to each other, and they seemed to hit it off immediately. Olivia knew someone he'd gone to school with in Minneapolis. The world of college kids was small. And he asked Jane how she liked NYU, he was thinking of going to law school there. She told him she loved it, and the conversation continued at a lively pace without further input from Bill. Joe joined them for a hamburger, and they talked about all the subjects that interested them. And the fact that Joe was in
a wheelchair seemed entirely irrelevant to all of them. No one noticed, no one cared, and Bill observed as they left the cafeteria and walked back to his dorm, Olivia walked alongside her father, and Jane was walking along next to Joe. He seemed to be very taken with her, and asked if she'd like to go to a movie with him and some of his friends that night in New York. But she said she had other plans, and seemed sorry she couldn't go. She told him to call her another time, or she'd call him. They seemed to have a lot in common, and he hung around almost till they left, and then discreetly left them to their family gathering. He was sensitive and polite and intelligent, and Bill commented on how much he liked him once Joe left.

  “He's nice” was all Jane contributed, and Olivia laughed at her.

  “Never mind ‘nice,’ he's hot!” He was a great-looking kid, and Bill was amused by how they all related to each other at that age. They reminded him of puppies at play.

  The girls were on their way to stay with their mother that night. And Bill went back to his room when they left. And when he got there, Joe was waiting for him, looking concerned.

  “I'd like to ask you something,” he asked nervously.

  “Sure, Joe, what's up?” He assumed it was another basketball game.

  “I wanted to know if… actually … what I was thinking was …” This was serious, the bright personable boy was suddenly severely tongue-tied, and blushing to the roots of his red hair.

  “This must be good,” Bill teased. “It sounds like you want to borrow my car. I don't have one, and neither of us can drive.”

  Joe Andrews laughed. “I was wondering if you'd mind if…” He took a breath and plunged in,“… you'd mind if I call Jane sometime? I won't do it if you'd rather not, and she may not want to see me anyway … I mean … you know … it… well…”

  “I think that's a great idea.” She'd had a boyfriend they'd all hated for two years, and much to Bill's delight, they'd broken up the year before, and she hadn't been interested in anyone else since. “As far as I know, she's free and not spoken for, though I'm not always privy to those details. You'll have to check it out with her.”

  “She said I could call, and she gave me her mom's number and her number at school. But I wanted to ask you first.” It was a nice thing to do, and Bill was touched.

  “I'd say that's a hopeful sign,” he smiled at the boy. “Better than Helena's sister then?”

  “Are you kidding? You can't even compare the two of them. Jane is great! I mean … Helena's sister was a nice girl, but…”

  “I know. She looked like a frog.”

  “Don't tell Helena I said that, she was a really sweet girl, and very smart.” He looked panicked at the thought that Bill would tell Helena what he'd said.

  “I promise I won't. I'm flattered you liked Jane. I'm very proud of both of them.” Joe could see why. He had liked Olivia too, but she seemed older and more mature, and more reserved. He was more comfortable with Jane, and bowled over by her looks.

  “Maybe I'll call her tonight.”

  “That's up to you,” Bill said, looking fatherly. “From here on, I'm out of the loop. She's a big girl.” But it touched him that this boy whom he liked so much had felt some kinship with Jane. It would be good for both of them, he thought. She needed someone bright and decent and kind in her life, and he deserved some happiness after what had happened to him. It never occurred to him for a moment that the match was unsuitable because he was in a wheelchair. He felt that way about himself, in terms of Isabelle, but for Joe and Jane, he thought it was fine. The dichotomy between those two ideas never even dawned on him.

  The girls were pleased with their visit with Bill. And they both called him before they went back to school the next day. Jane didn't mention Joe again, so Bill had no idea if he'd called, and he didn't want to pry. And Cynthia got on the phone before they hung up, and asked if she could visit him that week. He hesitated and then agreed. There was no harm in it. After all, he'd told her himself that he was divorcing her so they could stay friends. Like the girls, he hadn't seen her in two months.

  Two days later, on Tuesday, Cynthia came to have dinner with him. And when he rolled into the cafeteria next to her, she was amazed. People were smiling and laughing and looking happy, and it didn't seem to matter if they were walking, or in wheelchairs, or on gurneys strapped to body boards, everyone seemed to know each other and have something to talk about. It was one of the liveliest places she'd ever seen.

  Helena stopped by to say hello to him, and he introduced her to Cynthia, who he explained was his wife.

  “Who was that?” Cynthia asked afterward. “She's incredible looking.”

  “She's a model.”

  “Are you going out with her?” she asked, with a flash of jealousy in her eyes as he laughed.

  “She's engaged.”

  “Lucky guy.” Cynthia sounded relieved.

  “That's what I said.” Bill laughed. They went back to his room then, and talked for a while. She looked all right, but she sounded unhappy when they talked about the divorce.

  “Are you sure that's what you want?” she asked him again. “It seems such a stupid thing to do now, at our age, after all these years.”

  “There was nothing left, Cyn. You know that.” He was gentle but firm.

  “Yes, there was. There still is. Look at us now. We've been talking for hours. I still love you, Bill. Can't we give it another chance?”

  “I don't have anything left to give,” he said honestly. “I love you too, but I ran out of gas. I'll always love you, but if we tried again, I think it would turn out the same way. If I go back to work, I'll be gone, you'll be pissed, you'll be doing your own thing again,” he didn't spell it out, but they both knew what he meant. She'd be having affairs. “And if I can't go back to work, I'd be sitting around the house moping while you lead your life, and this time I'd be pissed. I'm better off on my own. And so are you, until you find the right guy.”

  “You were the right guy,” she said, looking sad. She couldn't tell him he was wrong. But she felt bad leaving him on his own.

  “Maybe I was, and maybe I wasn't. If I had been, it would have worked better than it did.”

  “I was stupid then. I've grown up.”

  “We both have. So let's be grown-up about this.” She didn't say anything for a minute, and then sighed. She could tell he'd made up his mind. And once he did, Bill never changed course. That was just the way he was.

  “What about Isabelle?” Cynthia asked then.

  “What about her?” Bill didn't want to talk about her with Cynthia. “There's nothing to say.”

  “Why not?” Cynthia was surprised. He had been so obviously in love with her, it was hard to believe he was willing to let that go too. She wondered if he was depressed.

  “She's married. I'm here. That's where it ends.”

  “It's not like you to give up that easily. Why are you doing that? She can't be happy with that iceberg I saw in London. He looks like a real son of a bitch.”

  “He is. But she has a very sick kid. I told you that. She can't leave Forrester, she thinks it would be too traumatic for the boy, and she can't provide for him. Believe me, Cyn, it's complicated. And besides, it's a moot point. I'm not going to inflict my problems on her on top of it. She deserves better than that. And so do you.”

  Cynthia looked at him carefully. “Is that why you wanted a divorce?” She was horrified at the thought.

  “In part,” he answered honestly, “but we have other reasons too. I did it for myself. And I'm going to stay away from her, for her sake. Unless they can work a miracle here.”

  “You know what they told you in London,” she chided him, “that's not going to happen. You're not going to walk out of here on Rollerblades, Bill. Don't do that to yourself. Don't expect too much.”

  “I'm not. I figure whatever I get will be an improvement. I'm just saying that as long as I am like this, I'm out of her life.”

  “Does she know that?” Cynthia looked ups
et for him. It was a terrible reason to leave someone you loved, worse by far than the reasons why he wanted a divorce. And in some ways, she thought he was right to want a divorce, although she wouldn't have admitted it to him. If he'd have been willing to come back to her, she'd have taken him in a flash. But she knew only too well how indifferent she'd been to him for years. She only realized now fully what a great deal she'd had. And it was too late for them. “Does she know why you're ending it?” She felt sorry for them.

  Bill shook his head. “She doesn't even know I am ending it. But you can only keep something alive at this distance, without seeing each other, for so long. We'll drift apart eventually. I'm going to be here for a long time. She has her own life. She'll get over it.”

  “I'm not so sure. It sounds like she doesn't have much else in her life. And more importantly, will you get over it? And why should you? If she's half the human being I suspect she is if you're so crazy about her, she's not going to give a damn what state you're in. You're better than most guys standing on two feet.” It was exactly what Helena had said to him. “That's not what love is all about.”

  “Maybe not. But it's who I am. I will never do that to her. She's not leaving Forrester anyway. She can't.” It didn't sound like a happy situation to Cynthia, and Bill was quiet for a long time after she left. Why was it that everyone was so insistent that it didn't matter if he was in a wheelchair permanently? It mattered to him. And he knew that, in the long run, it would matter to Isabelle. He refused to go down that path, with her or anyone else, no matter what Cynthia said. She had no idea what it was like. And he knew damn well that she could never have put up with it. She would have wound up hating him in the end for all that he wasn't and could no longer be or do. And he would never do that to Isabelle, not even if it meant lying to her and telling her he no longer cared. He was determined not to go back to see her in Paris if he couldn't walk off the plane. And as Cynthia had reminded him, there was almost no hope of that. If he had wanted that, he should have gone to Lourdes.

  As time went on, the weeks at the rehab center went incredibly quickly for Bill. He was so busy, so tired, working so hard at all his therapies, that he hardly had time to come up for air.