Long Hill Home

by Kathryn Pincus

  “Yes, Mommy,” Grace responded right away. Kelly looked quickly in her rearview mirror at Anna’s face and saw that she was slowly and silently nodding her assent as she continued to stare out the window.

  “First of all, I love you and Daddy more than anything in the world. I know that I have not been around very much—or at least not really with you when I am around. I’m so sorry for that. I am not making excuses; I just want you to try to understand why. That bad man attacked me, and I was hurt very badly. And I was changed. After the attack I felt an incredible amount of sadness and anger, and a feeling of being unsettled all of the time.It is taking me a little while to feel normal again, but I am getting there. I never, ever stopped loving you guys, I just sort of got lost there for a while. And I am grateful for Daddy for being such a big help and I am so sorry if you felt like I was abandoning you or mad at you for something.” Kelly had a hard time finishing her sentence, as she was getting all choked up. She heard a soft sobbing in the back seat and was surprised to see tears on Anna’s face when she glanced in the dashboard mirror.

  A short drive later, Kelly took a deep breath as she steered the car into their driveway and parked in the garage. She turned around quickly to continue talking to her daughters before they started to leave the car. “Girls, I want you to know I am taking some concrete steps to show you that I mean this. I’m taking a little break from work, for at least six months, which includes your Christmas and spring-break vacations from school. I’m not going to work at all. I just want to make your meals, drive you to school and sports and play dates, help you with your homework, and take a few fun trips here and there.”

  “Awesome,” Grace said, unbuckling her booster seat.

  As Kelly stepped out of the car, Anna came over to her slowly. With tears streaming down her cheeks and her arms outstretched, she met her mother and wrapped her in a tight hug. “Oh, Mom. I’ve missed you.”

  Kelly stood in the garage for a few minutes, feeling her older daughter’s arms around her and stroking her hair with her hand. She realized how much she had missed their connection, their warmth.

  *****

  Kelly tidied up the family room in anticipation of Dan’s arrival as the girls finished their homework in the kitchen. She built a fire with newspaper, kindling and logs. It did not crackle and jump like the fires Dan made, but it did give off a cozy glow. With the fresh flowers she had put on the coffee table and a few flickering lights, the room looked soft and inviting. The smell of lasagna baking in the oven and a chocolate cake cooling on a rack filled the air and Kelly felt as if she was right where she belonged, a boat moored safely in the midst of a storm. She heard the door open and saw Dan walk into the room slowly. He moved tentatively. His eyes took in the fire glowing and the flowers on the table.

  “Dan, please, come sit with me here. I want to talk to you.” Kelly said as she gestured to the couch and then sat down. Dan still had his coat in his hand as he sat a few feet away from Kelly. He looked at her almost quizzically, but he did not speak.

  “So what is going on now?” Dan asked, dumfounded.

  “What do you mean?” Kelly asked.

  “I mean you seem different than you have been for a long time. I don’t know, peaceful maybe?” Dan asked arching his eyebrows to signal that he was having trouble labeling the change in his wife. “You made a fire, you are cooking something that smells really good, and you look like you are actually happy to see me.”

  “Dan,” she looked directly into his eyes and she took his hand in hers. “I have been suffering since the incident in ways I can’t even explain.”

  “I know, babe.” Dan whispered back, choked up with emotion.

  “But what I am saying is, I want it to stop. The evil that man unleashed on me does not need to keep seeping into our lives. I want to feel a little bit like I’m back in control, that I’m still a healthy, functioning person who sleeps and eats and showers….” She squeezed Dan’s hand, “and who loves.”

  Dan looked back up at Kelly as he heard these words, and she wasn’t certain, but she thought she saw a pained expression in his eyes at the word loves.

  “So what can we do to help you?” Dan asked, inching closer to Kelly on the sofa and meeting her eyes with his.

  “Well, you have already been so helpful. You have been patient with me, and have really stepped up with taking care of the girls and everything. I am really grateful for that. And I love you.”

  “Oh, my God, Kel, I love you, too. You know I do. And I… I miss you.”

  Kelly continued, “I know it sounds funny, but I sat down a few days ago and wrote a list. Simple things to get it back together, to make me feel whole again.” She took the list out of her pocket and handed it to Dan. She continued speaking as Dan studied the list. “I saw a woman today, a counselor. She’s experienced in helping people cope with traumatic events, including sexual abuse. I was really nervous and cynical about it, but I was so desperate for something to change.” Kelly looked directly into Dan’s eyes to see if he saw her differently, because she felt different. “Her name is Dr. Jeter and she is already helping me. I feel comfortable talking to her and sort of hopeful for the first time since the attack. She made me realize that I can take deliberate steps right now to get back a lot of things I have lost.”

  Kelly stopped for a moment, and carefully chose her words. “I think I felt at first like I was ruined. I was hurt and humiliated and angry and scared and basically not functioning. But then it became deeper and darker than that. Those feelings were festering over time… they made me angry and withdrawn and unable to see beyond myself, and I couldn’t see what I was doing to you and the girls.” She checked Dan’s expression again, which was one of concern but perhaps also longing. She squeezed his hand again. Dan placed his other hand over hers, eager for the touch.

  Kelly continued. “Oh, babe, I am so sorry. But I am also feeling hopeful. I can climb out of this hole, and I can function…and I can love, and be a mother again….and a wife.”

  “Well,” Dan sighed, “I’m not sure how we do this, but I am definitely happy to try.”

  The girls poked their heads in the room. “Is it dinnertime yet?” Anna asked.

  “Yes, it is,” Kelly replied. “Please wash your hands and set the table and I’ll get the lasagna out and make a salad.”

  “Wow,” Dan said, standing up. “Did you just say you baked lasagna?”

  “Yes,” Kelly said with a smile. “And—don’t have a heart attack— I baked a cake, too.”

  “Oh, my God, what have you done with my wife?” Dan joked.

  “I’d say she has returned.” Kelly answered. “Well, at least she is on her way back.” Dan and Kelly embraced, with the rapt attention of their daughters lingering at the edge of the room. “Oh, and one more thing Dan,” Kelly blurted out, as an afterthought. “I want to tell you my other big news. I already told the girls. I’m taking a sabbatical from work.”

  “What?” Dan asked. “What does that mean?”

  “It means my cases and clients can be taken care of by other lawyers. Everyone is okay with me staying home to take care of myself and my family for a while, and then I’ll go back to work when we are all ready.” Kelly stated this with complete conviction in the soundness of her plan.

  “Are you sure, Kel?” Dan asked. “You love your work.”

  “I love my family, too, and right now, I need to focus on my list.” Kelly gestured toward the paper still in Dan’s hand. “Besides, lawyers at the firm have taken sabbaticals for everything from travel, to divorce, or even just burnout. It’s okay. I know they’ll hold my spot for me, and we have enough money saved. Plus, some of the time off will be accrued paid vacation, and the firm will continue our medical benefits the whole time.”

  Dan shrugged and handed Kelly back the list. “Hey, I’m totally behind you if this is what you want. I like the idea of homemade dinners and knowing the girls are going to be picked up and driven around and all of that. In fact
, I will feel like I am on vacation.” Dan laughed again. Kelly realized she had missed his laugh.

  “Speaking of vacations,” Kelly interrupted, “I want to start planning a vacation for Christmas. Maybe we should go back to St. John, or go someplace else warm and restful for us all to recover from a rough fall, and, unfortunately, a trial.” Kelly noticed that her mention of the word “trial” caused Dan to back away slightly.

  “I love St. John.” Grace said. “Remember we drank out of pineapples there and we saw colorful fish and collected seashells?” She giggled. Kelly was grateful for the perpetual optimism of her youngest, and the cheerful diversion.

  Anna walked over and squeezed herself between Dan and Kelly. “Mom, I know the trial is going to be really hard on you. I’m sorry I have been kind of bad lately. I’ve been really scared, but I know you are going to be fine because you are brave.”

  “Thank you, baby.” Kelly said, hugging her. Kelly looked at Dan as she spoke, trying to explain in words that Anna would understand. “I know that they have evidence now that will make it a short trial and the bad guy will be found guilty. So that helps a lot.” Kelly saw Dan arch his eyebrows, looking for more information. Kelly mouthed the letters “D-N-A” to him. Then she continued speaking, “With this evidence, they might even be able to convince the bad guy to admit his guilt and go to jail without a trial.”

  Dan spoke up. “Putting this guy away with or without a trial sounds very good to me. Now, we have a delicious-smelling lasagna to eat, and the details of our day to share over dinner, so let’s enjoy that now, okay?”

  *****

  Later, after cleaning up dinner and getting the girls through their bathing and bedtime routines, Kelly sat on her bed watching Dan’s reflection in their bathroom mirror as he brushed his teeth and hummed to himself. He was wearing a pair of worn blue boxers. Her eyes ran appreciatively over his flat stomach, his long muscular legs, and the way his right bicep flexed as he moved his arm back and forth to brush. She felt a longing and a pulling in her that quickly and surprisingly became a throbbing, hot arousal. “Try to have sexy thoughts,” Sally Jeter’s words rang in Kelly’s head. She quickly jumped out of bed and threw off her cotton boxers and worn T-shirt. She grabbed a short satin nightgown out of her underwear drawer and pulled it over her head. When she saw Dan grab the dental floss, she knew she had a moment to light the cinnamon-scented candle that stood on her night table. She climbed back into bed and put her hands behind her head to try to appear casual. She smiled as she felt the throbbing, moist sensation between her thighs, a drought broken, a dam breached, she thought. She was overwhelmed by the long-lost hunger for her husband’s flesh.

  Unaware of the inferno waiting in his bed, Dan casually flipped back the covers and slid between the sheets. “Oh, the candle smells really nice,” he said, good-naturedly. He leaned over and gently kissed Kelly on the cheek, and then turned to lie on his back.

  Kelly climbed on top of Dan so quickly that she caused him to flinch. She put her lips over his and kissed him hungrily. Dan kissed her back, tentatively. He kept his hands at his sides, resting on the bed. She ran her hands through his hair, along his neck, and traced his collarbone. Then she slid down under the covers, running her tongue straight down the middle of his chest, over his muscled stomach and to the top of his boxers. She sat up a little and started pulling at his boxers.

  “Whoa! Whoa!” Dan said. “Are you sure?” Dan was breathing heavily and his face bore a grimace of pain. He felt such an urgent swelling between his legs and throughout his whole groin that he thought it might kill him.

  Kelly sat up over Dan, and shook her head “yes” violently. She removed his boxers and flung them on the floor. She tucked her head under the comforter, eager to touch him and to taste him.

  Dan groaned, “Oh, my God!” With all the restraint he could summon, he whispered, “I can’t take much of this, babe. You know it has been a while. I want to be inside of you.”

  Kelly ducked her head out from under the comforter long enough to say, “Not this time. This is exactly what I need.” She found herself pleasantly aroused as she did so.

  Several minutes later, Dan lay on his side stroking Kelly’s bare shoulder. “My God, Kel. That was amazing. Thank you, baby.” He wrapped his arms around her. “Maybe next time I can, you know, please you a little, too? I’d like to make it a joint enterprise,” he said, smiling.

  “I know it is hard to imagine, but that was exactly what I needed,” Kelly said. “The whole thing kind of took me by surprise, and I just went with it. I needed to remember how beautiful and special your—uhm—parts are to me.” Kelly giggled. “I think I also needed to be in control this time.”

  “Hey,” Dan said, “feel free to control me like that any time. I’m at your disposal.” He grinned at Kelly with his whole face—an expression Kelly had not seen in a long time. He wrapped his arms around her and pressed his body against her back. Kelly felt safe, hopeful, and almost whole.

  CHAPTER 31

  CHAD: OCTOBER 4, 2011

  CHAD LAY IN his usual position, on the thin bottom bunk facing the cinderblock wall. The bunk above him shielded him from the bright lights of his cell and he closed his eyes trying to focus. Just hang on. Almost out. Almost home.

  His cellmate, Rico, had been escorted to the visitation room to see a relative or a friend, and the cell was quiet for a change. Chad had no one to visit him, other than Stuart. He wished desperately for him to appear, and to tell him he was free of this place.

  “Wake up sleeping beauty. It’s shower time.” A guard opened his cell door. Alarm cursed through Chad. “I’m not feeling well. I really just need to sleep.”

  “That’s not going to work, inmate. You said that yesterday and you checked out at medical. No fever, no symptoms, nothing. You are starting to stink, and trust me, you do not want to upset your cellmate.”

  It’s not my cellmate that I am worried about. Chad thought.

  The guard tapped Chad on the back. “Come on, you have no choice.”

  Moments later, Chad stood in line with other inmates waiting for the showers. He held a scratchy white towel tightly around his waist with one hand and a bar of soap in the other. He nervously scanned the line and was relieved that he did not see his tormentor, Paco. A guard stood just outside the bathroom entrance, hopefully within shouting distance.

  An inmate left the shower farthest from the guard when it was Chad’s turn. “Go ahead,” Chad said awkwardly to the man behind him, “I’m not ready yet.”

  The man shoved Chad hard, “That one has the worst water pressure, get your ass in there.”

  Reluctantly, he walked to the defective shower. With the noise of the showerheads and the inmates chattering as they showered or waited in line, Chad hoped desperately that the guard at the doorway would hear him if he yelled. He hung his towel on a hook and turned on the water. He quickly scrubbed his head and shoulders with soap and just as quickly began to rinse so he could finish and get out. His eyes were shut for the briefest of moments to protect them from the soapy rinse. A strong hand curled around his right wrist. He opened his eyes to see Paco, in only his underwear, standing just outside the stream of the shower. He held a metal shank in front of Chad’s face.

  “Shhhhhhhhh,” Paco said. “If you make a sound, Fresh Meat, I will fucking cut your throat open before you can finish your first word.” Paco released Chad’s wrist to turn off the water. He motioned to a tall, muscular man behind him to go watch for the guard. “Now you come with me and don’t do anything stupid or you know what happens.” He waved the shank again, just below Chad’s chin. He grabbed his victim and pulled him quickly out of the shower and behind a wall to the bathroom stalls.

  Chad was pulled into a stall with Paco and the door was locked behind them. As Paco pushed him forward, he put his hand out to the wall over the toilet, with his body bent over the toilet. Chad tried to turn around and Paco growled, “Don’t move. You know what I want.” A sharp blade wa
s pressed slightly into Chad’s buttock. “There’s a little taste of what I can bring if you do not cooperate. And,” he laughed a squeaky, eerie laugh, “I just branded you as my bitch.”

  Hot tears rolled out of Chad’s eyes as he felt two hands grab his hips and start to pull him backwards.

  “Don’t touch that kid now, or ever, or you and every sad fucking excuse for a relative you have will die.” The deep, confident and powerful voice of Chad’s cellmate, Rico, caused Paco to immediately release Chad.

  Chad turned around to see a panicked expression on his attacker’s face. Paco whispered. “Say you wanted this or I will kill you later.”

  “I can hear you, Paco, you dumb shit. This kid’s under my protection. Touch him and you’re fucking dead.”

  Paco unlocked the door and it swung open. Rico stood calmly and clearly in control with his arms crossed as Paco scurried out of the stall and ran out of the shower area. Chad walked out with his hands down, trying to cover his genitals. “Go get a towel, kid, I got your back.”

  Chad walked quickly around the wall to his shower and grabbed his towel off the hook where he had hung it only minutes ago. The shower area had been emptied, and there was no guard in sight. He wrapped the towel around his waist and stood there, shaking violently.

  “Look man, I still got to take a shower, so just stand there for a minute and you’ll be fine. No one is going to mess with you now, okay?”

  Chad shook his head slowly. He couldn’t move his feet if he wanted to. He stood like that for what felt like an eternity, while Rico showered and sang loudly in Spanish. When Rico came out of the shower wrapped in a towel, he walked to where their clothing hung. Chad followed behind. They silently put on their DDOC garb, slipped on their shoes and walked out of the shower room.

  Back in their cell, Chad curled up on his bunk. A tiny droplet of blood soaked through his pants where the shank had marked him. It was a superficial cut that would leave a lifelong scar.