Do Re Mi

by A. D. Herrick

  “Mr. Demark, I understand what you're asking. But we need you to realize that you’re in no position to make demands.”

  I heard the words coming out of his mouth, but I needed him to hear mine. “I understand and respect your opinion, but I also need you to understand. These are my terms. I will not waiver. I am in the position to make demands. I already have a brand, a well-known one, in fact. I have one of the largest followings in my genre. My fan base is ironclad.” I sat back in my seat, my hands folded casually in my lap. I had nothing to prove to these people.

  “Mr. Demark, it wasn’t my opinion. It’s a stone cold fact. If we sign you, you will have to relocate. You will have to play by our rules. I honestly don’t care how big your fan base is. Rules are rules.” Mr. Epps continued.

  “I’m a sure thing when it comes to bringing home the gold, you know it. I know it. Location doesn’t change that. Location doesn’t change the fact that I sell out stadiums.”

  “You’re trip to rehab could have changed that. All of the rumors about your drug use have tarnished your reputation.” A short balding man added, as though his opinion would sway me.

  “I have documented accounts for every day I was rumored to have been in rehab. I have never or would ever touch any type of drug. There are absolutely zero links to me in association with any form of drug use, nor will you find any witnessed medically or otherwise.

  All you have to go on are reports put out by a scorned ex who happens to be related to the head of the label I was signed to.”

  “Be that as it may. Rules are rules. We budge for no one.” Jeremy stated matter-of-fact giving me a firm look.

  “It appears we agree to disagree. Thank you, gentlemen, for your time; I do believe this meeting is over.” I intoned. Standing, I tipped my head in farewell and walked out the door without looking back.

  Per our email conversation, I had explained my situation. I made it perfectly clear what I required if signed to their label. The label had accepted. They seemed eager to sign. That’s why the meeting was called, to finalize paperwork. However, in typical label fashion, it appeared they were expecting to take advantage of an artist desperate for a contract.

  That wasn’t me. Once upon a time, I could have been convinced. The label wasn’t asking much. They were willing to give into a majority of my demands, but I didn't need the majority. I needed all or nothing.

  Riding the elevator down I shook out the annoyance that had been tingling at my spine. They had brought up Angela and her ill attempt to drudge my name through the mud. The moment her name passed through their lips I knew it was going to be a rough ride.

  The label was good, solid even. I liked to believe I would have enjoyed working with them. But I wouldn't budge. I wouldn’t give in to anyone, for any amount of money. Losing Makayla wasn’t worth it. Losing my daughter wasn’t worth it.

  We had enough money. Hell, we had plenty. Making music wasn't about the money for me. It was about doing something that made me happy. I loved to sing. I loved to perform on stage in front of thousands of people.

  It was a rush. The lights, the vibrations of the bass as it echoed through the room. The vibrations resonating through your bones. The sound of my name resounding through the crowd. When I closed my eyes I could still hear it.

  But none of it was enough to sacrifice my family.

  There was no offer great enough to make me turn my back on those I loved. I would not give up another moment of Avery’s life.

  Had I known this was how the meeting would have gone I would have never brought it up to Makayla. The entire fight the night before could have been avoided. I would have been at home, our limbs tangled beneath the sheets.

  Hindsight is 20/20.

  No sooner had I pulled out of Dark Edge’s parking garage my phone started ringing. Hitting the button on the wheel the Bluetooth kicked in, sending the call through the car’s speakers.

  “Lenz, it’s Jeremy,” I smirked shaking my head.

  “Jeremy, what can I do for you?” I replied cockily.

  “Look, I know we talked about it but are you really sure you can’t give in on this? I mean, we're giving you everything else you asked for.” Already I could hear the desperation in Jeremy’s voice.

  “Jer, do you have kids? A wife?”

  “Two sons and a wife.” I could hear the confusion in his voice.

  “What if I told you that the only way you could keep your job was to move to LA. Just you, no kids. No wife?”

  I could hear him sigh into the phone.

  “Lenz, you know we didn’t ask that. I told you. Kids and family, we're good with. We won’t ask you to hide them away. Hell, bring your daughter to the studio while you record, for all we care. We just need you here.” His tone was exasperated, much like my own.

  “See, that’s where you’re wrong. My family lives in GR. They’re not moving. I won't ask them to. I won't ask them to give up their life for me. They already gave up four years. I won't ask them to sacrifice anymore for me. Never again. It’s just over a two-hour commute. I’ve spent a longer time in traffic to pick up dry cleaning in LA.”

  A long silence came from Jeremy’s end of the line. I listened patiently as I merged onto the interstate, eager to head back home.

  “Lenz, I can’t bend the rules.” This man should win a prize for his unrelenting task at beating a dead horse to death.

  “I understand and respect your position.”

  “Look, I may be able to help you. I can already tell you’re a good guy, great even. Hell, I would have loved to have signed you no matter where you lived. But rules are rules. Let me make a couple calls and get back to you.”

  “I understand. Thanks, Jer.”

  Ending the call I turned up the music and let the sounds of Apocalyptica, the powerful haunting sounds of the cellos fill the car.

  I was nearly home when my phone rang again. Jeremy had pulled a few favors and had set up an interview with a small label located in Grand Rapids. The studio was only twenty minutes from the house, an easy commute. The only catch, I have thirty minutes to get there.

  Glancing at the clock I pressed down on the accelerator. I could make it. It would be pushing it, but it was doable.

  There was a chance I would break my promise to Avery. Makayla kept our daughter on a struck schedule. Breaking the rules once and keeping her up late was a one-time thing. I wouldn't go around Makayla and uproot our daughter's life to fit my schedule. I had a moment of hesitation, letting off the gas as I contemplated my choices.

  Do I keep my promise to Avery or do I follow my dreams?

  Chapter Eighteen

  Makayla

  Some days I wonder how Lisa and I became best friends. Today was one of those days.

  “You may be the biggest idiot I know,” Lisa growled as she paced the length of the living room.

  “Really, we've resulted to name calling? What are we, in 3rd grade?” I intoned, glaring in her direction. I had called her over to vent, not to be chastised like a child. I knew I had made a foolish mistake. I didn't need her rubbing my nose in it like a dog that’s soiled the carpet.

  Lisa spun on her heels to face me, her long red nails coiled around her fist as she fought to control her emotions. “If your actions hold any bearing, then yes, 3rd grade sounds about right.”

  “Well, its right on par with your IQ.” I retorted shamelessly.

  Lisa scoffed.

  “Idiot” I muttered unsure if it was meant more me or her. Right now it suited us both.

  Lisa's eyes narrowed, her fist flanking her hips. “I'm so sorry Makayla. I held back the big guns in fear of you might kick me to the curb as well.” Her bitter words hurt, striking right to the core. Her sarcasm was running at an all-time high today, but the bitter truth in her words was a razor sharp blade perfectly hitting its mark.

  “Harsh” I intoned. With my arms crossed over my chest I shot her with a death glare. I didn’t care if my hurt showed or not. I was angry. Angered by
the truth of her words.

  Lisa shrugged as though she didn't care. “Honest.”

  “I told you I regret it.” I had resulted to stomping my feet like the child she accused me of being. Tears burned the back if my eyes. I couldn't remember a time in which I had cried so much. My body felt like it had been dragged through the wringer.

  “Well good for you. But what's telling me going to change? It's not me you need to convince. It's Len. He's been through hell the last four years and as soon as he comes home and tries to get his life together you toss him out like day old pork. What kind of fucked up shit are you on Mak?” With each word Lisa stomped closer to me, her eyes cast in a deadly slant, her long red acrylic nail pointed out in my direction as if to punctuate her intent. I would have been terrified if I didn't know her any better. She wouldn't hurt me - physically. But she didn't need to. Her words cut straight to the marrow.

  I groaned in defeat, my head lulling back on my shoulders. My hands dropped to my sides, having given up their fight to hold me together.

  “I'm trying to protect myself here. Why don't you understand that?” My voice wavered making me feel that much more vulnerable.

  Lisa stopped in front of me, her hip popped out expectantly. Her arms crossed over her chest as she glared down at me. She had the mad mom look and stance down to a science. “What exactly are you protecting yourself from? You said he told you he wasn't leaving. That he promised he wouldn’t. How could you hold so much faith in him that he would come back and the moment his words prove true, you turn tail and run when he makes you another promise?”

  “I don't know, Lisa. If I knew I would tell you. I can't rationalize it. I don't know why I suddenly have doubts.” I stomped my foot in defiance, pouting like a child.

  It was the only emotion I had left. The only movement my body was willing to make. Stubbornness shrouded me, bringing out the worst in me.

  Here we were; two grown women acting like stubborn, bull-headed children.

  “There’s more to this. More than you're not saying. If you won't tell him and you won't tell me then maybe you should find someone you trust to tell it to. Someone to help makes sense of the crazy spewing from your lips.” The resignation in her voice had my heart beating rapidly in panic. She was giving up on me.

  I swallowed around the lump that formed in my throat, forcing out the words that shamelessly filled my heart.

  “I can't compete.”

  Lisa's head cocked, her eyes scrutinizing me, searching for the purposes behind my statement. “Compete with what?”

  I rolled my eyes like a pubescent teen. “Have you seen him? I mean really looked at him? He's gorgeous. Everything about him screams sex. Even his feet are sexy.” My voice came out whiny and I didn't care. It had taken a lot to admit those words out loud.

  “Mak, I've seen him. Hell, I told you back in high school, I would have asked him out if I thought there was a chance. But there wasn't. There still isn't. That man only has eyes for you. You are the only woman he sees. You need to get over your insecurities and face the facts. That man isn't going anywhere.” I heard what she was saying. I really did. I knew it was true. But seeing and believing were two different things. Plus there was more. So much more.

  “But I can't compete with the Hollywood actresses he's used to seeing.”

  “Did he ask you to? Did he ever once say anything that would make you think he sees you any different?” Lisa’s brow rose daring me to deny what we both knew was true.

  “No” the words came out in a groan of defeat.

  Lisa's hands flew out to the side, exasperation heavy in her voice. “So what's the problem? What do those girls in LA have that you don't?”

  I motioned toward my body with hands as limp as overcooked noodles. “Mom bod. Mom boobs.” It would have been funny if it wasn't true. The girls were looking pretty sad these days.

  It didn't bother me at first. I was proud of my body. My body gave life to another human being. But when I was looking in the mirror I began to wonder what Lenny saw. My mind stumbled down a deep dark hole when I realized I didn't have the same body I had before. It had changed. I had changed. But Lenny, he was still the same - better.

  Lisa's voice broke through my self-inflection “There are a crap ton of moms in La. I bet nearly half of the women you're comparing yourself to are moms and they look rocking just like you. The other half is plastic, and that shit gives cancer. Don't nobody wanna go near that. There's more to this. More you're not saying. You’re the most secure woman I know. I get a little self-doubt. But if you can’t be honest with me, at least be honest with yourself.” Lisa reached out to me, her hand locking around my own as she shared her strength, giving me comfort to go on.

  “Lisa, I just feel less. The mom body piled onto the fact that both you and Lenny are living your dreams and I'm just here. What do I have to offer? How can I keep his Love? His attention?” The words tumbled out; there was no fighting them once they broke free.

  “Yes, me and Lenny have managed to land the careers of our choice, but you are, too. You're just taking a little longer than us. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't change your value.

  Your life took a detour, a surprising but amazing one. You don't have the same thing to offer Lenny you always had, you have more. Your heart, support, your love, and a beautiful little girl. You just added Avery to the mix to sweeten the pot.

  That man will never grow tired of you. Between you and Avery he will be too exhausted to run away.” Lisa teased lightening the truth bomb she dropped at my feet.

  Retracting from her grip I walked to the entryway table. Lisa followed closely behind as though afraid to let me out of her sight, neither of us saying a word.

  Opening the narrow drawer of the entry table, I pulled out a stack of small white envelopes. Pressing them to my heart I willed my nerves to fade away. It was now or never.

  I could turn away now, pretend this never happened and continue the path I was on breaking both mine and my daughter's heart. Or I could face reality; put everything out on the table. Accepting the help and guidance of the people that loved the most. I felt weak, both emotionally and physically. I needed to make a decision - the right one.

  Spinning on my heels I thrust the stack of letters out to Lisa. “What about this?” I asked, dropping all my fears at her feet.

  Lisa flipped through letters, pulling out letter after letter. Her eyes scanned the pages, with lightning speed as she ripped through them with a fierce hunger. The look of horror grew on her face with each letter read.

  “Where did you get these? How long have you had them? Why didn’t you tell me?” I cringed at her venomous words.

  The look on her face was one I had never seen before, one I immediately regretted. It was a deadly combination of incandescent anger and disappointment. Anger at the contents of the letter but disappointed in me. She was disappointed I had held on to this secret for so long. The very secret that had shaken my world to the core.

  “I started getting them the night before Lenny was served. I don’t know who left them. I would find them in random places. On my windshield at the grocery store. In Avery’s bag after picking her up from daycare. I even found one in the seat of my car after girl’s night. They’re everywhere.” I picked at the imaginary lint on the hem of my shirt afraid to look up. Afraid of what I would see on her face. I was terrified of her reaction.

  The silence between us was momentous, filling the room with tension. I had no idea what Lisa was thinking. What was going on in her head?

  The letters in her hand were from Angela. They threatened everything from having Avery taken away sighting child abuse and neglect and child endangerment for having Lenny in the home. Down to letters saying Lenny was a drug abuser with a long history of overdose and physical violence. The last letter I received was a letter from Angela stating she was willing to testify in a court of law in order to have Avery placed in protective care if I didn’t leave Lenny.

  “Why
didn't you tell someone? Me? Lenny? Anyone?” I could hear the devastation in her voice thinned by the anger I knew radiated through her veins.

  I took a long steady breath, forcing my eyes to look up and meet hers. “I didn't know what to do. At first, I just hoped it would go away but they started coming more frequent and were getting more threatening. I panicked. Instead of talking to you or Lenny about it, I used the first excuse I could come up with to throw him out.” My excuse sounded weak in my own ears. Once vocalized I could hear the stupidity of them. It was a big slap in the face. The slap I needed to get my shit together.

  “I’ll fix this. You don't have to worry about Avery. But you have to tell Lenny. You have to tell him everything.” Lisa’s voice was deathly low. The threat visible. There would be no second chances. This was a breaking point in our long-time friendship. If I failed to adhere to my end it could mean the end of our friendship.

  “I will,” I promised, meaning every word.

  “I mean it, Mak. You have to tell him when you see him. Not a moment later.” There was no second chance. This was it.

  “I promise, Lis.” Holding her gaze I promised with all my heart that I would tell Lenny.

  “He has a right to know.”

  “I know.” God did I know. My selfishness had already fractured two of the most important relationships in my life. I wouldn't let it destroy them.

  “I have to go. I'm going to start on this.” Lisa waved the letters in the air. “You need to shower and fix your hair. It looks like a nest of rats lives in there “Without so much as a goodbye, Lisa grabbed her things and left.

  Exhausted both emotionally and physically I sank into the couch, willing it to swallow me whole. I needed to call Lenny. I needed to fix what I had broken.

  Fear coated my throat as I dialed his number.

  “Makayla?” The unmasked hope in his voice shot through my heart like an arrow, piercing the fractured pieces.

  My mouth worked tirelessly but the words were muted. What did I say? How do I start?