She gave him a playful shove. “Ha, ha, very funny.”
The silence that followed wasn’t as awkward as either of them feared it would be. Over general small talk, they finished their drinks and ate from the cheese-and-cracker platter Selena had ordered. “I wasn’t sure if you had eaten dinner, so I figured this was a good way to start. If you’d like, we can order for you.”
James shook his head. “I’ve eaten, but thank you.” With all of the easy conversation used up, James had to wonder who was going to be the first to bring up the elephant in the room. Things were going so well, so completely relaxing, that the thought of talking about anything remotely uncomfortable made his gut clench. By the look on Selena’s face, she wasn’t anticipating it either.
“We don’t have to do this,” he finally said, taking one of her hands in his.
Relief immediately washed over her features. Squeezing his hand, she gave him a sad smile as she whispered, “I really think that we do.” James gave a curt nod. “I hate that it’s taken us so long to actually sit down and do this, and now that we’re here, I don’t even know where to begin.”
Carefully, James removed his hand from hers before finishing his beer. Standing, he paced away from the sofa and back again. It’s like pulling off a Band-Aid, he told himself. There were so many things he needed to get off his chest, and although it pained him to dredge it all up, he knew there was no other way. With a deep breath, James steadied himself and spoke the words out loud that he hadn’t allowed himself to think for far too many years.
“The last time I saw you,” he began, his voice gruff with emotion, “we were happy and planning our future. The next thing I know, I get a frantic call from Jen. All she would say was that you’d been in an accident. When I got to the hospital, I wasn’t allowed to see you and I had to stand there like some sort of criminal while I was being told that while, yes, you were in an accident, you had gotten rid of our baby. Why, Selena? Why did you do it?”
“I didn’t!” she cried, jumping to her feet. “The car accident caused a miscarriage! Believe me, I would have never done what you’re accusing me of! How could you even think that?”
“I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m going by what I was told, dammit! Your father stood there, flanked by two policemen, thank you very much, and told me that you had a fender bender and opted to terminate the pregnancy!” The stricken look on her face almost made him regret his raised tone of voice, but it felt so good to finally say the words to her out loud. “He told me you didn’t want to see me, that you had sent him down to talk to me, and then told me to leave! When I tried to get by, to get around him and to the elevator, the cops stopped me.”
“He lied to you!”
James shook his head with disbelief. “I said that to him, I accused him of lying, and he grabbed me, hard, and told me that if I didn’t leave, he’d have me brought up on statutory rape charges.” His eyes were hard as he stared Selena down, daring her to defend her father.
“What? Where did that even come from?” she demanded. “I knew he wasn’t happy about our dating or about the whole situation, but why would he threaten you with something like that? It doesn’t make sense!”
“You were seventeen when we started dating; I was twenty. If he wanted to, he could have had me thrown in jail, and you would have had nothing to say about it. As your parent, it was his right to make that call. It didn’t matter that it was consensual; it doesn’t matter that you were eighteen when he made the threat. He had the power to ruin my life, and you didn’t do a damn thing to stop him.” It was amazing how quickly the emotions came to the surface, no matter how much he told himself that they didn’t matter anymore.
“I was unconscious for three days, James! By the time I woke up, you were gone! Kent wouldn’t tell us where you were, and everyone we knew had no idea how to find you! Jen tried the whole time I was unconscious, but there was no trace of you. She even went to your boss!”
“No,” he said defiantly. “I think you got cold feet about marrying me. It was fine when it was just us talking casually about it, but once you said you were pregnant and I pinned you down about marrying me, you changed your mind. You thought I was going to amount to nothing, just like he said, and you wanted a way out. I know you didn’t plan the accident, but it certainly gave you a convenient excuse to dump me.” He stalked over to the bar and grabbed the second beer she had ordered earlier.
Selena did her own stalking and grabbed the bottle out of his hands. “You can’t be serious! Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?”
“I don’t think it does,” he snapped as he grabbed the bottle back out of her hands. “I think that you, just like your parents, didn’t think that I was good enough for you. I was a fun way to pass the time, but as soon as we had a way to be together, you found a way out.”
“I didn’t find a way out, you jackass! I was hit by a drunk driver and could have been killed! I had broken bones, a concussion… For God’s sake, I was in a coma! Believe me, if I had wanted a way out of our relationship, there were far less dramatic ways to do it!”
They stood there glaring at one another. James didn’t appreciate being called a jackass any more than he appreciated the way her father had talked to him all those years ago. “Call him.”
“Who?” she asked, confusion covering her face.
“Your father. Call him and make him tell me he lied. If you’re telling me the truth,” he challenged.
She paled. “I can’t.”
He wanted to punch something; he wanted to howl and scream and yell until his throat was raw. For so long, he did his best to convince himself that maybe he was wrong about Selena, that her father actually had lied. But now? When given the opportunity to prove it, she couldn’t. “That’s what I thought,” James said. Walking across the room, he picked up his keys and headed toward the door. “I don’t think there’s anything else to say.”
“Don’t you dare walk out on me again, James Montgomery!” Selena yelled across the room. “You had your say, and dammit, now it’s my turn.” Walking over to him, she took the keys from his hands and threw them over her shoulder. She was tired of never standing up for herself, for letting everyone else have their say while she stood back and kept her silence no matter what the cost to her emotional state.
“Ten years ago I fell in love with you and wanted to have a life with you. No, my parents weren’t pleased, and no, they didn’t think you were good enough, but I didn’t care. I loved you, and whether you choose to believe it or not, I loved our baby. I wanted to marry you more than anything else in the world.” Turning her back on him, she walked farther back into the living room. “When I woke up and found out that I had miscarried, I wanted to die. I called out for you, begged Jen and my mother to go and get you, but you were already gone. I didn’t want to believe it; I couldn’t believe that you would just leave me like that. I thought you loved me.” Tears began to freely flow down her cheeks, but she didn’t care.
“All the time I spent recovering, the only thing that kept me going was the hope that you were going to come back for me. I missed the fall semester of college due to physical therapy, and I kept telling myself that if I got strong enough, you’d come back.” She turned and glared at him. “But you didn’t.
“When I finally did leave for college I thought for sure you’d find me then. After all, I was living away from home, away from my family, and you’d know that we could finally be together. And still you didn’t come,” she spat. “Since you never told me about your parents or where they lived, I had no idea where to find you. Kent and his parents were no help either. There was nothing left for me to do but give up and go on with my pathetic life.”
“Selena—”
“No,” she sobbed. “I’ve waited a long time to say this, and you’re going to let me finish.” Wiping the tears from her face with the back of her hand, she continued
to slowly pace the room. “I didn’t care about school. I didn’t care about anything. My parents sold the house here and moved down to Florida, where I was going to school because they were worried about me, but they should have paid more attention to themselves because by the time they got down there, their marriage was all but over.”
“Don’t expect me to feel bad for them, Selena,” he said firmly.
She gave a disheartened laugh. “I don’t expect that at all, and to be honest, I didn’t feel bad for them either. They divorced six months later, and I haven’t spoken to my father much since.” She stopped and did the math in her head. “It’s actually going on about four years now since I last spoke to him.”
“Because of me?”
She shook her head. “Because of me. He lied, he manipulated, and when I finally got my head together, I realized he had been doing it my entire life. He was so fixated on what was best for him and what he wanted that he never considered anyone else’s feelings. Once I severed all ties with him, I found that I actually had some peace.” Another sad laugh escaped. “I hadn’t had that in a very long time. Since us.”
Walking over to the dining room table, she poured herself another glass of wine and took a sip. “I finished school mainly because it was something to do, but I wasn’t interested in what I was studying.” She shrugged. “My roommate in college was from North Carolina, and she invited me to visit after graduation. I fell in love with the Outer Banks and never left.”
James wasn’t sure what to say. If what she was telling him was true, then he had wasted a large part of his life over a lie. But how was he ever going to be sure? How could he just blindly believe her? His mind was still reeling with all of this new information when Selena continued to speak.
“Coming back here was too painful. I knew that if I allowed myself the opportunity, no matter how many years had passed, I’d still look for you. I had no idea if it would do me any good, but I…I just needed to see you.” She nearly choked on the admission.
“Do you know why I became a cop?” he asked suddenly. Selena shook her head. “It was because of what happened that night. I was put in a position that wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right, and I vowed that I would never let that happen again. I left town the next morning, stayed with some other relatives in upstate New York. I worked my ass off to get my GED and joined the academy. I had to struggle and fight my way to get a job back in this area. Because, like you, I felt if I stayed here in the area, I’d be able to find you and prove you and your family wrong.”
She ignored the last part of that statement. “What about your plans for college? Your landscaping business?”
“What was the point?” he said. “I had to make sure I never felt like I did that night ever again.”
“So you gave up your dream?” Disbelief laced her tone.
James shrugged. “It was worth it. I have a job where I am respected, and now I have the authority.” His voice was hard, and Selena cringed. She had never seen this side of him. “I used to wish that I’d run into your father, that I’d pull him over for something and threaten him like he threatened me. The idea of seeing the look of fear on his face was something that kept me going through a lot of hard times.”
“And now?” she asked quietly.
“Now, he doesn’t matter. What’s done is done, and if you’re not willing to make him admit that he lied, then we’re at an impasse here.”
Selena balled her fists. “Seriously? You still think I’m the one who’s lying? Why? Why would I even do that? Did this morning mean nothing to you? Do you think I’m the type of woman who just sleeps around? I have never given myself to another man the way I have to you! I could never!”
The thought of any man with his hands on Selena had James seeing red. “No,” he said through clenched teeth. “I don’t think that, but maybe this was all about closure or maybe just passing the time while you’re here. Or maybe, just maybe, you thought it would be fun to play with my head a little bit more for old time’s sake.”
Shock hit Selena as if he had physically thrown a punch. “If that’s what you think of me, then I guess you never really knew me at all. Maybe everything that happened back then was for the best, because if you think so little of me that I would do all of those horrible things, then you’re not the man I believed you to be.” Tears began to form again, and she quickly swiped them away. Straightening her spine and doing her best to keep her voice steady, she faced him. “I think we’re done here, and you should go.” Looking around the room, Selena found where his keys had landed earlier and went to pick them up. Walking over to James, she faced him and held them out for him.
They stared one another down for several minutes. The only sound in the room was their breathing. Finally James broke the silence. “It’s not supposed to end like this.” His voice broke with emotion. “Not now.”
“It didn’t,” she said with equal sadness. “It ended ten years ago, and it was so much worse.”
He stepped forward and winced when Selena took a step back. Stopping where he was, James dropped his hands to his sides in defeat. “I just don’t know how I’m supposed to believe you.” But James was filling up with a sense of self-loathing; if she were right, then he had nothing else to hold on to. All of the anger, all of the years of self-discipline, were for nothing.
“I never lied to you, James, not once. I can apologize for the things my father said and did, but it won’t change anything. Even if I picked up the phone right now and called him, would it change anything? Our baby is gone; ten years of our lives are gone.” She wiped away the last of her tears. “I can’t keep living in the past; I’ve been there for too long.”
“I have too,” he admitted. “I don’t know how to live any other way anymore.” This time when he took a step forward, she didn’t move. He kept walking until he stood right in front of her. “If I don’t have my anger, I don’t know what I have.”
You have me.
The words were on the tip of her tongue, and yet Selena wasn’t sure if she should say them. “I’m angry too,” she said quietly.
James knew that he couldn’t hold back any longer; the need to reach out and touch her was too great. His hand came up and caressed her cheek. “Where do we go from here?”
“I can’t force you to believe me; I can only tell you the truth. I’ve only ever told you the truth. Only you can decide whether you’re going to believe me.”
“I want to, Selena; I really do. I just don’t know how. For so long I’ve believed the things your father said to me. It’s hard to believe that someone, even a distraught father, would make up such a hateful story.”
She snorted with disbelief. “Then you never really knew my father either.”
And that’s when it hit him: he didn’t. Selena’s parents had formed their opinion of him right from the start, and James had done his best to steer clear of them while he and Selena had been dating. They’d made their feelings perfectly clear, and at the time, James hadn’t been interested in trying to change their minds.
In the heat of the moment, at a specific point in time when emotions were running high, James had chosen to believe the words of a man who had never shown him anything but hatred. Why? How could he have let himself do that? At the time, he knew why he couldn’t have fought the man; Jerry Ainsley held all the cards, and James knew without a doubt that the man wouldn’t think twice about having him arrested. He had worked too hard to let that happen.
So he ran.
Back then, he didn’t have a choice, but he could have come back when things settled down. He should have come back and at least confronted Selena then. He dropped his chin to his chest. He should have listened to his heart instead of being so damn stubborn and full of pride. Hadn’t his own parents told him that it was his worst trait and that it would likely be the ruin of him? They were right, and it had.
It was a bitter
pill to swallow.
“Don’t make me leave,” he finally said over the lump in his throat as he raised his head, his brown eyes shining with unshed tears of his own.
It was more than Selena could bear. “I don’t really want you to.” The last was a mere whisper as she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close. Together they wept for all they’d had and lost, grieving together like they were denied so long ago.
Minutes passed before they reluctantly pulled apart. Before she moved too far away, James put his arm around Selena and tucked her into his side as they walked over to the sofa and sat back down. When he was sure she was comfortable, he poured them each a glass of water.
“I’m so sorry,” she began, but James placed a finger over her lips to silence her.
“I’m the one who’s sorry. I should have been there for you.”
“But you couldn’t…”
“Maybe not right then and there, but I should have come back. I was so angry and hell-bent on proving everyone wrong that I completely lost sight of what was most important. And that was you.” Shoulder to shoulder, he leaned in and rested his head against hers.
“I missed you so much,” she said. “I always thought that if you had been there with me, it wouldn’t have hurt so much, that the pain, the loss would almost be bearable.”
“You should have never had to go through that alone. I can never make that up to you…”
Selena shook her head. “You don’t have to. You’re here now, and that’s what matters. As painful as this was, we needed it.”
He nodded. “I know you’re right.”
Pulling back, Selena looked at him with wary disbelief. “Are you saying that you believe me?”
The answer wasn’t as simple as he had hoped. “I never should have doubted you,” he said carefully. “I knew how your father felt about me. I can’t believe that his words didn’t raise more red flags. All I heard were the horrible things he was saying to me and the way he talked down to me; nothing made sense. I ran when I should have stayed and fought for you. For us.”
Return to You Page 12