Bein' Dead Ain't No Excuse

by Penny Burwell Ewing

  The words were meant for Bradford, but the challenge was directed at me.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Twilight Time

  “Lilith is launching her final assault tonight.”

  “Good work, Scarlett. Quick, give me the details.” We were in the backseat of Diamond’s unmarked cruiser on our way back to the police station. In the front seat, Diamond and Bradford were discussing the next logical step in the investigation since nothing had come of Lilith’s interview. Because you can’t trap a demon in the physical world, I knew they were facing a dead end. I tuned them out so I could concentrate on Scarlett’s more important information.

  “Well, while scoping out the back of the shop, I stumbled upon two of Lilith’s demon companions fighting in the back alley. Before they could detect my energy, I hid behind the big dumpster so I could eavesdrop on their argument. Apparently, they were fighting for the coveted position of second-in-command on tonight’s raid.”

  “Is the target still Roddy?”

  “Yes, Lilith is confident he’s receptive to her invasion.”

  “I’m afraid she’s right,” I agreed. “I saw firsthand his reaction to her when Diamond threatened to take her downtown for questioning. He’s bewitched, all right. We have to stop her again.”

  “Easier said than done, Jolene. You’re terrible with a sword,” she pointed out. “How do you propose we stall off her horde of demon companions? And not only are you a terrible swordfighter, but you’re also a noisy klutz. Your words,” she added at my frown. “Remember what Saint Peter said about Lilith being a dream weaver? We have to somehow catch her while she’s vulnerable—which is, according to him—during Roddy’s dream state. With all her energy focused on seduction, she’ll be open to attack. We also must catch her unawares. If you’re bumbling around waking the dead, how are we going to catch her unaware and stab her in the back? It must be timed perfectly for her to be vaporized.”

  I felt a burst of hopefulness. “To be honest, I don’t have a clue how we’re going to pull this off, but my senses are tingling off the charts with optimism. Don’t you worry about me, I’ll do my part. Last night taught me a few things. What else did you hear?”

  “The ringleader will take his legion of demons and surround the house at sunset. The imps are out. Gone back to whence they came. Lilith sent for backup. The big, bad, kind and way out of my league. Lilith will arrive after Roddy is well into REM sleep. She also learned from last night’s fiasco.”

  I thought for a moment. “Time-wise it would be best if we snuck into Billie Jo’s house sometime in the midafternoon before Lilith’s goons stake out the place. We can hide upstairs in the master bedroom. Lilith will never know we’re there.”

  “If she finds us, we’re toast.”

  “Have you a better plan? I’m open to suggestions.”

  “I’ve got nothing. Your plan it is. What now?”

  I motioned to the front seat. “We ditch them and head back to mission control and sketch out tonight’s strategy for our attack.”

  “And a quick cat nap won’t hurt,” she added, stifling a yawn behind one hand. “I’m still bushed from last night. You had a massive shot of caffeine to boost your energy.”

  I smiled with remembrance. “Yep, that’s the first thing I’m going to request when I wake up from this nightmare—a cup of strong, black coffee.”

  “I’d request sex if I were given a choice. Preferably a Scottish highland laddie—in a kilt. Oh, and minus the underwear.”

  Her dreamy smile made me laugh. “Good grief, Scarlett. You’re a nymphomaniac. C’mon, we’ve work to do.”

  We shot through the car roof and zipped down Main to Love Avenue and through the salon’s rear door. Scarlett immediately stretched out on the loveseat. “Wake me when it’s time to go.”

  “Not so fast,” I admonished. “We need to strategize.”

  “No, we don’t. I’m a pantser. I fly by the seat of my pants.” She closed her eyes.

  “C’mon, Scarlett. Don’t be a pain in mine.”

  No answer came from the loveseat. Seeing how I was getting nowhere with my ghost partner, I unsheathed my sword and practiced a few swashbuckling moves I’d learned from Hazell. As my sword swatted and whooshed through the air, Scarlett opened her eyes and said, “I can’t sleep with all the noise you’re making.”

  “If you won’t help me plan, I figured I would practice my sword skills while you slept.” I moved into the En Garde position. “Practice makes perfect they say.”

  She sat up with a thoughtful expression. “Actually that’s not a bad idea. We could find a pasture or field out in the country and face off. With practice, we can synchronize our movements and strengthen our chances of victory. From there we can proceed directly to Billie Jo’s house and take our positions.”

  I agreed with her plan, and we zipped out of town in the direction of my parent’s farm where we would find open fields and pasturelands. Scarlett liked old man Durfree’s berry farm, so we settled in a fallow backfield and squared off in mock battle scenarios.

  It was a blast, and under Scarlett’s tutelage I came out a much better sword fighter. Not great, but passable in an emergency. When the sun had progressed deep in the western sky, we sheathed our swords and raced back toward town. On the outskirts, we slowed down and approached the downtown historic district with caution in case any of Lilith’s demonic warriors were scouting out the neighborhood in preparation for tonight’s raid.

  On the corner of Sixth Street, we decided it would be more practical to split up and do a little reconnaissance of our own, and meet up in the holly tree in Billie Jo’s backyard. Scarlett would survey the back alleys of Sixth and Park, and I would probe the front streets for any sign of inhuman movement from the dark side.

  Scarlett was perched in the highest branch when I settled down beside her. “Looks like we beat them here, Jolene. No sign of trouble. I scouted out the house and no one’s home. Now would be a good time to check out the interior and find a good hiding place in the master bedroom before the family returns.”

  “It’s too calm, don’t you think?” I asked in nervous surprise. “Even the breeze has died down. Like the calm before the storm.”

  “Get a grip, Claiborne.” A feral smile lit her eyes. “War is hell, and hell is war.”

  “Aren’t you scared even a little?” I had to ask.

  “Only of losing my place in Heaven,” she answered. “Cleaning Saturn’s rings isn’t my idea of fun, and I have no intention of losing this battle. Gird your loins, Claiborne, and let’s finish this job.”

  Her impromptu pep talk did little to boost my confidence, but I sucked it up and followed her to the roof of the house and down below. In the upstairs hallway, I ducked into Lynette’s room and did a quick search. Clear. Back in the hallway, I continued my search until I met Scarlett in the master bedroom.

  “The downstairs is clear of unclean spirits,” she stated with a confident nod. “Everything okay on your end?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, we’ve got the house to ourselves. Did you scout out a good hiding place?”

  “The walk-in closet. There’s a nice spot behind Roddy’s golf clubs. You?”

  I gazed around the room, seeing few options. “Under the bed is out. I could hide behind the drapes like I did that night in Richard Payne’s library, remember?”

  I was referring to our first murder investigation as a team. Scarlett’s murder investigation, I might add. That’s how she came to haunt Dixieland, but now’s not the time to launch into that story, I still needed to find a great ambush spot.

  “What about the bookcase?”

  “Too tight. I’m thinking Billie Jo’s antique wardrobe. It’s large and has a clear view of the bed.”

  Scarlett floated over to one of the windows looking out over the backyard. “We can keep a lookout from here. You take the other window, and at the first sign of demonic activity, we can go into hiding.”

  I drifted over to the other w
indow which offered a clear view of the side yard. “It won’t be long now, it’s close to sunset.” I watched as a late model Dodge Charger came down the side street. “There’s Billie Jo now. Roddy and Lynette won’t be too far behind.”

  “And neither are Lilith’s troops,” Scarlett said. “They’re settling into the trees and on the power lines now.”

  I scanned the tree line in the neighboring yards. Yep, dark shadows flittered among the still autumn leaves and evergreens. “We’ll hold our positions until Roddy and Lynette make it home safely.” The clanging of pots and pans drifted from downstairs. “Billie Jo is starting supper. Since Lilith won’t make an appearance until Roddy is in bed, we have a short span of time to keep guard. He’s in bed by nine.”

  Ten minutes passed before Lynette arrived home, and darkness had fallen by the time Roddy’s pickup drove into sight and pulled around to the back alley. The back kitchen door opened and closed with a bang, and Roddy’s hearty hello drifted upstairs.

  Scarlett and I maintained our guard posts at the windows until they had eaten dinner and Roddy’s boots sounded on the stairs. She flashed me a confident smile, and said, “I’ll be watching from the closet, Jolene. Remember to wait until Lilith is beyond the point of no return. Then we give it to her right between the shoulder blades.”

  I gave her a thumbs-up, and she disappeared through the closet door before I entered the wardrobe. Roddy entered the bedroom, and I heard the click of a lamp switch. The bathroom door closed and the shower came on. Several minutes passed before the shower stopped, and the bathroom door opened. Next, a drawer opened and then closed. Downstairs, Billie Jo and Lynette’s murmured voices pinpointed their position in the kitchen as they cleaned the dinner dishes.

  The bedclothes rustled when Roddy slipped into bed, and the lamp switch clicked off. His tired sigh rang loud as he wrangled his body into a comfortable position. As the room settled into quietness except for his gentle breathing, I cracked open the wardrobe doors and waited for Lilith to appear. And waited.

  Lynette came upstairs, and then Billie Jo. She showered and changed into bedclothes and climbed into bed and released a tired sigh. From the wardrobe, I continued my vigil as her gentle snores joined Roddy’s more vigorous snorts.

  The moon had stretched its silvery beams far across the floor before I detected the slightest change in atmosphere. A slow chill began to invade the room along with a deep sense of evil, and I observed a dark shape lean over Roddy and inhale his man scent.

  Lilith, in her seductive succubus form!

  Fury almost choked me as she licked full, red lips, and floated her nude body over his and began to whisper erotic words into his ears. In his sleep, Roddy groaned and turned over onto his back. Billie Jo stirred but didn’t awaken.

  Watching Lilith’s continued seduction dance with my brother-in-law made me feel like a demented voyeur, but I kept my tired eyes glued to the bed. To look away might cause me to miss the signal, and I could tell by Roddy’s moans that it was drawing near.

  I dared not make a sound when suddenly Roddy jerked his hips upwards, and a low, growl began deep in his throat. Lilith gasped, and I knew she had also reached the point of no return. Time for some good ole fashioned Southern justice! With my sword unsheathed and ablaze with righteousness, I flung open the wardrobe doors just as Scarlett emerged from the closet with sword blazing.

  “Die, bitch,” we screamed in union and plunged our flaming swords in the bulls-eye between her shoulder blades.

  “Ahhh,” Lilith screeched, her arms flailing to pull the impaled swords from her back. Red smoke poured from her wound. “Attack!” she wailed as she rolled off the bed and onto the floor, her black wings unfurled.

  “Don’t let her get away,” Scarlett yelled at me and withdrew her sword to take another swipe as evil spirits swarmed the room like a black tide on a hot, Georgia seashore. She plunged into the swarm, battling the enemy with a steely vengeance.

  I drew my sword, trying to concoct another plan. Whoosh, swords clashed, and sparks flew as I slashed and swung through a black mass, trying to reach Scarlett’s side. My partner in battle was penned down by two huge demons. I shot to the ceiling and dove down like an avenging angel I’d seen on a TV show last month. My sword arched through the air and pierced the heart of a demon. He withered into a pile of black soot.

  In the mayhem, Scarlett wiggled free, rolled onto her side, and leaped to her feet. She soared through the ceiling and back down in one long, sweeping arch that sent demons to the dust pile. Together with flaming swords, we faced a wounded Lilith, still sprawled crippled on the floor, those hypnotizing eyes glittering with raw hatred and fear.

  “I ask for no quarter,” she spat the words like poisonous darts and turned her back to us.

  “And no mercy shall you receive,” I replied. “Scarlett, let’s finish this mission.”

  Scarlett gave me a quick nod. “I’m with you, girlfriend.” She raised her sword, and together, in one perfectly timed lunge, we planted our swords deep into the gaping wound.

  Lilith vaporized in a shower of red dust.

  From the bed, Billie Jo sneezed. Roddy rolled over and gathered her into his embrace.

  I sheathed my sword. “We’re not needed here any longer. Let’s leave them in peace.”

  “Well, Jolene, where do we go from here?” She gave me a questioning look.

  “To the hospital where this whole damn thing started.”

  ****

  “Well done, ladies. Let me congratulate you on a job well done.” Saint Pete beamed a triumphant smile from my hospital bedside. “I couldn’t be happier with the results. The enemy has scattered, and Lilith is back in chains at the bottom of the great abyss. Fine job. Fine job.”

  Scarlett touched the hilt of her sword. “I guess you’ll be wanting these back now?”

  He cleared his throat. “Well, there is a matter of protocol I must adhere to, Scarlett. You should know the rules by now.” He paused to scratch his chin. “However, because of your excellent leadership abilities and outstanding swordsmanship, and the fact your probation period is complete, the Powers That Be has decided to promote you into the Guardian Angel program.” He snapped his fingers and Scarlett was clothed in a long, white gown complete with a golden sash and halo.

  Scarlett gasped, and her cherry pink fingertips made a fluttering gesture. “Oh, thank you, sir. You won’t be sorry. I’ll make Heaven ring with applause.” She tapped the floor with her shining white heeled slippers, then she hesitated the briefest moment before asking, “Is it possible to shorten the gown a mite? I might trip and fall in the line of duty.”

  He held up his hand in appeal. “Thanks are totally unnecessary, my dear. You’ve earned your place among the guardians. And no, you can’t shorten the gown. Pants may be possible, but that will be decided by the Council. You’ll begin your training period with Hazell and his staff where all the rules will be explained. We have an immediate position for you, but you must first earn your wings.” He chuckled. “What is a guardian angel without her wings, I ask you?”

  “Congratulations, Scarlett.” I gave her a huge hug. “The child who lands you as his or her guardian angel is lucky indeed.”

  Saint Pete raised a bushy eyebrow. “Oh, it’s not a child. Your guardian angel requested a transfer six months ago, and it was finally granted. As soon as Scarlett is ready, she’ll be taking his place.”

  I mulled over his words. “I’m honored to be chosen as Scarlett’s first assignment.”

  “Indeed.” His kind smile widened. “But you weren’t chosen. No one wanted the position. It goes to Scarlett by default.”

  Scarlett laughed. “I warned you this would happen someday, Jolene, but you didn’t listen. Now we stuck together. I have the worse luck.”

  “That goes both ways, Scarlett,” I pointed out with a mock frown. “I’m getting an angel with on-the-job training.”

  “Okay, enough about Scarlett,” Saint Pete said with a stern tone. “I
’d like to talk about you, Jolene, and what the Council of Noble Purposes has decided for your future.” He snapped his fingers, and I was once again in the backless hospital gown. A shaft of cold air immediately had me grabbing the back of the gown and tugging it closed.

  “As promised, you are being given a second chance.” He wagged a finger under my nose. “But this time around use a little common sense. Stop and smell the roses, my dear, because, as I’m sure you’ve learned, life is short and full of surprises. The Council has plans for you, but I’m not at liberty to share them at this time. However, I will be popping in with updates. For now, trust the system and don’t freak out if you find yourself with a new gift from above. Keep a cool head and deal with it until you learn how to use it. Okay, you two. Say your goodbyes. It’s time for Scarlett and me to catch the long, black train back to Heaven, and you Jolene, back to your life in Whiskey Creek. We leave in three.”

  “Wait a minute,” I protested. “You can’t drop that kind of news in my lap and then scram back into the wide blue yonder. I need additional information. And who’s watching my six while Scarlett’s in training? And what about Mama? Is she back on the List?”

  Saint Pete patted me on the cheek. “Your mother is off the List, for now, my dear. And as for who’s watching your, ah, six, well, your Granny Tucker is filling in for now. Your grandfather is being assigned to Billie Jo’s child. Now, if I’ve answered your questions satisfactorily, you may say your goodbyes.”

  I bobbed my head, and with one hand securely holding the back of my gown, I threw the other one around Scarlett. “Thanks for all your help. I couldn’t have done it without you.”

  He snapped his fingers. “One.”