Mission: Soldier to Daddy

by Soraya Lane

  “Fine, great. Anyway, we best get going,” Olivia said.

  Luke excused himself to follow Charlie, leaving her to deal with her burning hot cheeks alone. Talk about embarrassed!

  She watched as he walked off, hands stuffed into his pockets, probably feeling like a complete outsider. And she hadn’t done anything to make him feel more at ease.

  “Daddy!” Charlie flung himself against his dad when he realized he was being followed, and Luke swung him up into the air and onto his shoulders.

  Olivia watched, unable to look away.

  It was things like that she felt sad about, or had felt sad about before, when she’d seen other kids with their dads. It wasn’t that she didn’t have a great time with her son, but seeing Luke play with him, tussle with him, made her cringe. Some things men were just better at than women. Like play fighting, Letting kids ride on their shoulders, pretend gunfights...all things she loved seeing fathers and sons do together.

  “Liv, you’re drooling. Snap out of it.” Kelly laughed, but Olivia didn’t miss the concern in her voice.

  “Sorry, it’s just...” What?

  “You still love him.” Her friend’s voice was firm. No nonsense. “You want him back and he doesn’t deserve it.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous!” Even as she said it, another flood of heat rushed to her cheeks.

  “Come on, Liv.” Kelly put her arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. “You don’t want to let him go. Be honest with yourself. It doesn’t make you weak—it just makes you human.”

  Olivia wanted to pull away, but she knew her friend was right. They might have known each other only a couple of years, but two single moms covered a lot of history, and spent a lot of time talking. Olivia was wishing she hadn’t been quite so honest with her friend now that Luke was home, though. All she knew was that he’d left Olivia and Charlie, and Kelly probably hated him for it. She hadn’t known how things had been between them.

  “You haven’t given him the divorce papers, have you?” her friend asked, her voice soft and full of concern.

  Olivia shook her head. “I tried but...no.”

  “It’s your life, Liv, and I’ll support you no matter what. I just don’t want you to get hurt again.”

  “It’s just...I...” Olivia searched for the right words. “Seeing him with Charlie, having him back. It’s tough.” She fought the stinging tears that threatened to spill. “Tougher than I thought it would be, that’s for sure. Just seeing him again has brought it all back, the good and the bad. And it wasn’t all his fault, Kel. I have to take some ownership of that.”

  Kelly squeezed her around the waist and stepped back. “Just be careful, okay? Promise me that.”

  Olivia looked into her friend’s eyes and saw the depth of her concern. She was lucky to have someone looking out for her, and she did appreciate her support. Her words of wisdom, too. Trouble was, unless Olivia walked away from Luke, or plain kicked him out, there was nothing she could do to be careful. She didn’t want to get hurt, either, but it was hard. Impossible. She’d be hurt either way, regardless of how things worked out between them. All she had control over was making sure Charlie didn’t get dragged into the middle of it all.

  “You go catch up to him. Call me later. And be strong!”

  Olivia dropped one hand to Bec, who had stood quietly at her mom’s side while they chatted, and blew her a kiss before walking away.

  “Thanks, Kelly. Love you,” she called back as she followed her boys. Olivia could have all the strength in the world and not be able to fight off Luke Brown. He might have disappeared from her life these past couple of years, but seeing him again, being with him, had brought it all tumbling back.

  Every time they were close, every time they touched, or laughed at something, it reminded her. She’d thought when he came back that she’d want to distance herself from him. That there’d be nothing left between them—no spark, no desire, no longing.

  How wrong she’d been.

  Because Luke was more than just the father of her child. He’d gotten under her skin again already, and she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to get rid of him or hold on tight and never let him go.

  * * *

  Luke stood at the entrance to the kitchen, watching Olivia. He’d never stopped thinking about her, even when he’d tried his hardest to block her from his thoughts, but he’d never imagined he’d come back and feel like this. Like he’d do anything to turn back time, to change the way he’d left and the way things had soured between them.

  He’d run when he should have stayed and faced their problems like a man, and for that he’d never forgive himself.

  “You want me to help?” he asked, not sure what else to say to announce his presence, and not wanting to be caught staring at her.

  “Everything’s under control,” she said, glancing up at him under her lashes before looking down again. “But sometimes it does feel like I spend all my life in the kitchen.”

  “Well, it smells great.”

  Olivia was stirring a pot of something on the stove, and he edged closer to take a look, and to get closer to his wife. After the junk he’d eaten for years, being back here was like eating at a gourmet restaurant each night, and he loved that Olivia was cooking for him.

  “Actually, could you call Charlie to the table?” She looked up again, this time connecting with him instead of shying away.

  He smiled, wanting her to feel at ease, to let her know that he was as uncertain about what was happening between them as she was. “Sure thing.”

  He went to the hallway. “Charlie, dinner’s ready.”

  A burst of noise indicated Charlie had heard him. A door banged, followed by his son launching himself down the hall.

  “Here,” Charlie said.

  “What is it?” Luke asked.

  They boy frowned. “A picture.”

  Luke chuckled as he took it from him. Of course it was a picture.

  He scanned the squiggly lines and tried to figure it out without asking for a clue.

  “It’s me, you and Mom.”

  Huh. He guessed it could be, if he squinted. Kind of.

  “What’s the big round thing over here?”

  Charlie was already walking off, leaving Luke to trail behind, still looking at the drawing.

  “It’s a plane,” Charlie told him.

  “You like planes, huh?”

  Charlie shook his head vigorously. “I hate planes. They take you away from us. That’s why I put it there.”

  Luke felt an ice-cold press of dread. Wow. Talk about a kick in the guts. By a four-year-old.

  “I’m not going to fly off and leave you again, Charlie. I’m not.” He wished he could make his son realize how determined he was not to let him down again.

  Charlie had settled himself at the table. Luke kept his voice low, not wanting Olivia to hear what they were talking about.

  “I promise, bud. I’m not gonna leave you, okay?”

  Charlie smiled but didn’t look convinced. “I’m hungry.”

  “It’s coming now,” Olivia called out.

  Luke stood back, fighting the urge to either walk from the room to find somewhere to be alone, or grab his kid hard and hold him tight, until he convinced him how much he cared. Because he’d done to his son what he’d hoped never to do. What he would regret for the rest of his life.

  He’d given a little kid issues, and he had no excuse for it. He should have known better. But when Luke had finally come to his senses, he’d thought he’d come back in time. A four-year-old should be worrying about what toy to play with, his favorite television shows, and instead Charlie was worried about keeping his father here. About a parent not coming home again. Luke had never wanted a child of his to know what it was like to have a dad, then hav
e him snatched away, but that’s exactly what he’d done. Just because Luke hadn’t died didn’t mean his son had felt the loss any differently.

  If he hadn’t been sure before, he was now. It was time to break that cycle, to be a man and step up to his responsibilities. What worried him was the knowledge that if he hadn’t almost died over there, he might never have realized what an idiot he’d been, and hightailed it back home.

  “Dinner’s ready.”

  Olivia stood at the table across from him. She had an apron tied around her middle, her hair pulled back off her face into a ponytail, and her cheeks were flushed from standing over the stove. Luke had everything to fight for, so why the hell had he been such an idiot?

  He knew why. He’d met Olivia, thinking she was pretty and fun, and then it had turned into something more without him even realizing that fact. He had fallen for her hard, but he’d always planned to leave, and they’d never planned on having a baby. Hell, he’d never even thought about marriage until Olivia had taken the home pregnancy test. Then reality had come calling.

  But the army had been his life, and when Charlie arrived Luke had faced the hardest decision he’d ever had to confront. And all he’d been able to think was that he should have kept walking, that first day he’d set eyes upon Olivia. If he’d kept walking, he would never have had to deal with being a dad, when he’d never wanted to be one. Or being married to a woman who deserved so much better.

  “Luke?”

  Olivia had sat down at the table next to Charlie. They were waiting for him. His perfect little family was watching him, wondering why he was standing still and staring at them like that.

  He shook himself from his trance. “Sorry, I was a million miles away.”

  She started to dish food onto their plates, and Luke sat down. They’d been waiting for him a long time, his family. If he logically figured out what he had to do, it was to make them both—Olivia and Charlie—realize that he had been worth the wait.

  Luke had to be honest, and make them understand just how hard his decision to stay away from home had been.

  CHAPTER SIX

  OLIVIA HADN’T BEEN able to think about anything other than Luke since they’d seen Kelly. Now Charlie was tucked up in bed, and that meant they had to talk about the tough stuff. Now. Before she lost her nerve and ended up calling it a night and heading for bed.

  She doubted Luke wanted to talk about the past any more than she did, but it was a conversation they had to have, and as soon as he came back with their coffee, it was time to start.

  “Luke, I’m sorry about today.”

  He placed her mug in front of her and sat in the chair opposite the sofa she was curled up on.

  “It’s no big deal. I like that you have a friend looking out for you.”

  Olivia grinned. “More like a mama grizzly bear showing her teeth every time you looked at her.”

  Luke laughed, but their burst of humor was short-lived. The expression on his face sobered as his eyes met hers.

  “Do you think Charlie’s coping? With having me back?”

  Olivia knew the answer to that. She thought Luke probably did, too. It wasn’t as black-and-white as how he was coping now, but rather was how he would cope if.

  “He’s doing fine, Luke. We just need to make sure he does fine after.” She wasn’t going to mince words. She owed Luke the truth and he owed her the same. If they were ever going to consider how things could work for them, actually consider if they could ever build a future again, being honest was the best place to start.

  The words hung between them, silenced their conversation. She stared into her coffee before looking back up. It wasn’t time to falter; it was time to be real. And that meant dealing with the tough stuff.

  “Luke, we’re talking around things, talking around what happened, but we’re never going to move forward unless...” She paused and watched as his fingers worked the fabric of a cushion. Then she took a deep breath. “I know things were bad between us, and I know that we’re both to blame, but I still can’t understand how you left. Do you have any idea what it did to me?”

  He kept his eyes down. “Yeah.”

  No, he didn’t, and she needed him to look at her. “How could you know? You were with your army family and I was alone. Bringing up a baby on my own, with no support, no help.”

  He was silent. When he looked up his features were almost haunted, if that was possible, showing his emotions like she’d never seen them before. But she was glad. He deserved to know, to feel, how painful his leaving had been for her. How hard it had been to care for Charlie, to deal with her husband leaving and a child, with no one to lighten the load. She wasn’t saying it was all Luke’s fault, but when he’d never returned...

  “I suffered every day, too, Ollie. Just not in the same way.” His voice was deep, husky, so low she had to listen hard to hear what he was saying.

  It wasn’t that she didn’t believe him. For goodness’ sake, he’d lived in a war zone for years! But what she’d felt was another kind of pain. The pain of a heart that had been shattered into a million tiny shards, like a smashed pane of glass. A heart she knew could never heal, but would remain wounded. A heart that had been given to him, that she had trusted him with, when she’d never thought she’d be able to let a man in.

  But maybe that was the problem: she’d never truly believed that Luke had wanted to marry her, and part of her still didn’t.

  “It was hard for me, too, Ollie. It was so, so hard.”

  She wasn’t enjoying this conversation one bit. Anger swept up her spine like an angry snake, curling around her shoulders and snapping at her throat, even though she wanted to be compassionate.

  “I didn’t think you were ever coming home, Luke. I never, ever thought I’d see you again.” She fought her anger, her tears. “I had to grieve for you, never knowing, always waiting.”

  What had he thought when he’d left? That she was going to wait around forever until he decided he was man enough to come back? If he ever decided to come back...

  His silence told her he thought otherwise. Had he always planned on coming home one day, or were there times when he’d thought about turning his back for good?

  “I never intended on leaving him.”

  Olivia hated that Luke always referred to Charlie. The motherly side cherished that he loved his son, but the hurting, wanting woman in her wished he would say her. That he hadn’t meant to leave her, that he’d thought about her every day.

  “You were always there. In my mind.” Luke looked up, his fingers thrumming impatiently against his jeans-clad thigh. “I never forgot what I’d left behind, Ollie. And while I know that might be hard for you to understand, I need you to believe me.”

  She wanted to believe him, but trusting Luke again, believing in his words, was going to take time. “You need to prove yourself to me, Luke. Words are meaningless without action.”

  He hung his head for a moment, then suddenly sat upright. As if someone had commanded him to, he braved her gaze, and met her eyes with a new intensity that almost made her falter. But there was one thing on her mind that she needed to say, to get off her chest now before she regretted it.

  “I was faithful to you, Luke. I have always been faithful to you. I might have moved on with my life out of necessity, but I never forgot that I was married, and I need you to know that. No matter what I said or did before you left, I loved you.”

  A warmth filled Luke’s brown eyes, a softness that showed itself in the slant of his shoulders as he leaned forward, in the way he stopped gripping his coffee cup as if he were trying to break it.

  “Were you?” she asked, the words catching in her throat. The thought of Luke being with another woman, even kissing another woman, made her feel sick. A hot, clammy sweat broke out on her forehead. She could taste bile in
her mouth. “Faithful?”

  “I—”

  “No.” Olivia put up her hand to silence him, shuddering at the thought of his response. “You know what? Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.”

  He smiled, a kind, relaxed smile that eased her fears. “I never forgot that we were married, either, Olivia. I promise.”

  That she hadn’t been expecting. Her heart had been hammering, waiting for him to confess that he hadn’t been so dedicated to the vows they’d made. But if he was telling her the truth, then maybe, just maybe, there was a flicker of possibility that they could work things out. Relief washed over her.

  “It wasn’t that I didn’t move on, Luke. I did.” She pushed through the pain of talking about all those months that she’d been on her own. “You were gone from me, as if the army had swallowed you up. I had to move on. But I couldn’t move on that far, because I never really let go.”

  He moved from the chair to the sofa, sitting beside her. Olivia let him take her hand, watched as his fingers interlaced with hers.

  “Ollie, I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I haven’t exactly been honest with you about why staying in touch was so difficult for me.”

  She didn’t get it. “What do you mean?” Excuses were not something she needed to hear.

  Luke looked uncomfortable. He wasn’t good at talking, never had been. He was a listener, and a darn good one, but she knew he’d be finding this difficult.

  “When they called me up again, it was for a major promotion. I, uh...these past couple years I’ve been in Delta Force. An elite Special Forces operative.”

  The coin dropped. So he’d had a major reason to leave. He still could have explained to her, could have talked through his leaving, but hearing there was more to it than him just wanting to walk away took at least a little edge off her pain.

  “It doesn’t explain why I left like I did, but I need you to know that I was doing something that counted. I was so damn scared of wrecking things at home, and what did I end up doing? Turning my back for the sake of the army, and sacrificing you and Charlie.”