The Hearts That Hold

by Rosie Clarke

  ‘Where is Angie?’

  ‘At the Cottage. I’m going to fetch her tomorrow, and we fly home to America in a couple of days.’

  ‘So it really will be just once …’ I raised my head, smiling, looking into his eyes. ‘She need never know … no one will know. We shall not hurt her or the child …’

  ‘You will come?’ He looked unbelieving as I nodded. ‘To our place, Emma? I bought Jane’s house – did you know that?’

  ‘No, I didn’t know.’

  ‘Angie has never been there,’ he said. ‘I let friends stay there – but the studio is kept locked. I couldn’t let anyone else … but I go there sometimes and remember.’

  ‘Oh, Jack,’ I whispered as the tears stung my eyes. ‘You foolish, foolish man …’

  ‘Foolish for loving you?’ he asked, then shook his head, his smile tender and loving. ‘No, I don’t think so. Foolish for leaving you … for hurting you, yes, I was that. I know I’m being unfair to you now …’

  I touched my fingers to his mouth.

  ‘No, Jack. For this one night we will pretend it is still war time. We’ll pretend that the years between never happened – that there is no Angie and no Jon …’

  I told Sol that I would be staying with a friend that night. He did not need explanations, but promised that he would make my excuses should my mother or Jon happen to ring.

  When I kissed James goodnight, he told me that Jack was going back to America.

  ‘He has to go – it’s business. But he says he will write and that I can go and stay with him when I’m older.’

  ‘That’s good, darling.’

  I left him clutching the leather-bound photograph album that was Jack’s latest gift to him and went down to the waiting taxi. I was wearing a dress I had not worn for years. It was very old, and had belonged to Margaret before it was mine – a blue velvet gown that had a slightly medieval look: the gown I had been wearing the night Jack and I met.

  It fitted me as well as it had then, and although old it still looked beautiful, at least in the softer lights of evening.

  Jack smiled as he saw me. ‘You’re so lovely, Emma. I always did like that gown.’

  ‘I wore it for you. I’ve never worn it since … the party at Jane’s. The night we first made love …’

  He drew me into his arms and kissed me, then took me by the hand, leading me out into the courtyard behind the house, down the stone steps to the little studio apartment where we had always made love.

  During the war we had always had to leave the shutters closed because of the blackout, but Jack had pushed them back so that we could see the sky and a sprinkling of stars. He had filled the garden room with flowers, so many that their perfume was overwhelming.

  ‘I always wanted to give you diamonds,’ he said, as we stood for a while looking out at the sky, his arms around my waist, his body close to mine, so close that his breath tickled my neck. Now that we were together, we were in no hurry. This was a night to savour, to remember for the rest of our lives. ‘But you would never let me give you more than a few trinkets.’

  ‘All I wanted was your love, Jack.’

  ‘That will be yours for as long as we both live,’ he vowed. ‘When I’ve gone … I shall always think of you here, like this, my arms about you, wearing that dress.’

  I turned and put my fingers to his lips.

  ‘No, Jack. No regrets …’

  ‘I want you so much …’

  ‘Let’s go upstairs …’

  I smiled, took his hand and led him up to the bedroom.

  It was as if we had never been apart. Our bodies fit together so well. Every caress was a memory deeply imprinted into our hearts and minds. We touched and kissed, exploring each other hungrily, the pleasure as fierce and sweet as it had always been when we lay together.

  We did not sleep all night. Sleep would have been a waste of those precious hours. Instead, we lay entwined, beating heart to beating heart, as we talked, made love, talked and made love again … and again.

  Jack had brought champagne and an ice bucket. We sipped our champagne, ate chocolate truffles and strawberries.

  ‘Where did you find strawberries in February?’ I asked as he dipped one in the champagne and fed it to me with his lips.

  He laughed and touched his finger to my nose. ‘That’s my secret, Emma. If I told you, you would be horrified … but they came from a long way away.’

  ‘You are so extravagant!’ I scolded, kissing him as I swallowed the delicious fruit. ‘They must have cost as much as diamonds to get them here.’

  ‘Worth every penny,’ he murmured, his mouth moving down to my navel, to the strawberry he had placed in a very odd position. ‘I wanted to cover you with diamonds, my darling. I wanted to give you so much …’

  ‘You have,’ I said, pressing my body closer to his as I felt the desire stir between us once more. ‘When I thought you hated me it broke my heart – but I can bear anything now …’

  Jack hushed me with kisses. We would not think of the parting that must come after this night. We would make it last for ever …

  But it could not last. Morning came too soon, and we knew it was over. We both tried to laugh and make jokes as Jack cooked bacon and mushrooms for me, just as he had after our first night together.

  At last, I knew I must end it. I reached for the telephone and ordered my taxi.

  ‘Must you go yet?’ Jack asked. ‘Stay another hour …’

  ‘Or another day, another week …’ I shook my head at him. ‘We promised ourselves we would say goodbye after last night, and we must, Jack. If I stay another hour, you will stay another week – it will go on and on and Angie is going to be hurt.’

  ‘Damn her! I wish I had never married her.’ Jack groaned. ‘Forgive me, I almost wish she would die …’

  ‘No!’ I pressed my hand fiercely over his mouth, glaring at him. ‘Don’t you dare say that, Jack! Don’t you dare ever think it. Never. Not once. Do you hear me? If you do you will betray everything we have been to each other, everything we have of each other will be sullied.’

  He nodded, his eyes dark with pain. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I wouldn’t hurt her, Emma – not even to be free.’

  ‘Of course you wouldn’t, Jack. If you could do that you would not be the man I love so much …’

  I kissed him once more and then I left him. It was not as hard as it had been when I sent him away the first time. We had parted in anger then, and I had believed he hated me, but this time he went with my blessing. I knew he loved me. I would hold that thought in my heart for the rest of my life.

  We had not said goodbye. We would never say goodbye.

  Francine suggested a trip to Paris.

  ‘We could go together,’ she said. ‘It’s lovely there in April, Emma. I know lots of small workshops where they make beautiful clothes at a fraction of the price you would pay in the main showrooms. I am sure you would find stock for your shops.’

  I had thought I would never wish to return to Paris, but it would be different this time. I had been feeling low since Jack left me and a holiday was just what I needed.

  ‘We’ll take the children and Sarah, too,’ I said. ‘I had been thinking of perhaps taking them somewhere different for a holiday, and I’ve arranged travel documents for them. Yes, we’ll all go together. James has never flown. It will be a new and exciting experience.’

  Francine looked dubious, but having suggested the trip could not draw back. I smiled as I saw the doubts in her eyes.

  ‘Don’t worry. Sarah will look after them most of the time. They won’t be a nuisance.’

  ‘I am not used to being around children. I was always with Grandmère. She did not like noise. To be honest, she did not like me very much.’

  It was the most revealing thing Francine had told me about her past. I sensed now that her childhood had been far from happy.

  ‘I’ll warn James to be on his best behaviour. You’ll see, Francine, we shall al
l enjoy ourselves.’

  She looked at me with curiosity. ‘You always manage to smile, don’t you, Emma? I have sensed that you were sad recently – but still you smile.’

  ‘Not always,’ I said wryly. ‘But crying doesn’t help.’

  ‘No, tears never help,’ she agreed. ‘But friends do, Emma. I hope we shall be friends?’

  ‘We are already.’ I laughed. ‘If you still want to know me after five days with my terrible two, we shall become bosom pals for life.’

  Francine looked amused. ‘We shall see …’

  The children were thrilled when I told them we were going to France. Lizzy looked a little nervous at the idea of going up in an aeroplane, but James was excited.

  ‘When are we going?’ he wanted to know.

  ‘This weekend, when you start your school holiday. We shall be away for five days.’

  The look in his eyes was my reward. I knew that he often resented my leaving him for my business, but this time I was taking him with me.

  James spread his arms and began to run round the playroom, making a noise he fondly imagined sounded like an aeroplane engine. Lizzy watched for a while, then slipped her hand in mine.

  ‘Are you better now, Emmie?’

  ‘I haven’t been ill, darling.’

  ‘You’ve been sad.’ Her eyes were serious and thoughtful. ‘Why were you sad, Emmie?’

  ‘A friend of mine went away, that’s all. I’ve been missing him.’

  ‘You’ve still got me – and James.’

  ‘Yes, darling.’ I bent down to hug here. ‘I’m very lucky to have both of you.’

  I knew then that I would have to put away my sadness. If both Francine and Lizzy had been aware of it, I was allowing myself to brood too much. I must stop feeling sorry for myself. I had so much to be grateful for.

  The new shop was not yet doing as well as I’d hoped, but the takings were reasonable, and Sol was in no hurry to be repaid.

  ‘Don’t even think about it, Emma,’ he had told me. ‘Give yourself five years and then we’ll discuss it again.’

  As long as he was not in urgent need of his capital I could manage, even if the shop did no more than break even for the first year or two.

  I rang my mother after telling the children about the Paris trip.

  ‘I don’t suppose you would like to come with us?’

  ‘I can’t be bothered with all that foreign nonsense. Besides, Jon has asked me if I would like to go down this weekend. I think I shall take the train and go to see him.’

  ‘Well, you will enjoy that.’

  I was a little hurt that she seemed to prefer his company to mine.

  ‘When are you going down? You haven’t been since Jon moved in. I think it’s time you gave some thought to your marriage, Emma.’

  ‘I telephone once or twice every week. Jon has been busy – and so have I. This is a crucial time for me with the new shop, Mum. I have to keep on top of what is happening there. Besides, I’m going to take the children down to Jon’s when we get back from France. We arranged it weeks ago.’

  ‘I should think so, too,’ she grumbled. ‘You’ve done well for yourself, got on in the world. I’ll give you that – but people matter more than money.’

  She put the receiver down on me sharply. I stared at it for several seconds, wondering whether I should call her back. I hated to be at odds with Mum, but we seemed to argue more often now. She was upset because I did not spend more time with Jon, and perhaps I ought to have gone down before this – but I hadn’t wanted to straight after Jack left.

  I might not have been able to hide my feelings. Jon understood me so well, and I did not want him to guess that I had spent the night with Jack. He had given me the freedom to live as I pleased, but I would never deliberately hurt him.

  He was pleased when I told him I was going back to Paris.

  ‘I’m glad, Emma. I know you wouldn’t go if you were still haunted by what happened there. Have a lovely time, my dear – and let me know exactly when you are coming down, won’t you? I like to be sure of the time, so that I can be ready for you.’

  ‘Yes, of course.’

  ‘I shall look forward to seeing you and the children.’

  His voice sounded a little odd, distant, almost as though he couldn’t wait for me to finish the call. I wondered if he was ill again, but surely he would have said? Perhaps he was just caught up in his writing. I must have interrupted him when I rang.

  I would be seeing him in a few days’ time, and I would ask if he was still content with the way things were between us.

  ‘So what do you want to do today?’ I asked as we all gathered round the breakfast table. ‘It’s our last day in Paris, children, and we’re going to spend it together.’

  The past four days had been hectic ones. Francine and I had spent a part of each morning visiting various workshops in the Sentier district, which was generally acknowledged as the centre of Paris’s clothing manufacturing industry. Here in the narrow streets there were a considerable number of wholesale warehouses and cramped workshops, where the conditions were sometimes quite shocking.

  ‘If you come here alone, be careful,’ Francine warned. It can be an unsavoury and dangerous area.’

  I had already noticed some rather dubious characters hanging around. It was not an area I would want to visit often, but some of the merchandise was extremely good quality and cheaper than I could have bought at home. I had purchased a few things that caught my eye straight off the rails, and ordered more from some of the better-class showrooms with whom I could have a proper trading agreement.

  The movement of money was still restricted at home, but it was possible to obtain the necessary license to import for business if you went through the proper channels – and I must admit I had brought rather more cash with me than was strictly allowed.

  ‘Take it, Emma,’ Sol had told me when I asked him what he thought I would need. ‘They can’t check on everyone, and it’s unlikely they will look under the lining in your suitcase.’

  ‘You are a wicked man,’ I’d told him, but I had taken his advice, and now I was glad of the extra money.

  Together, Francine and I had visited the various sweatshops, regular showrooms and – out of curiosity more than a desire to buy – the very different and elegant salons of the famous fashion houses of Dior, Paquin, Balenciaga – where I fell in love with his Pillbox hats and very recklessly ordered some for my shop – and Jacques Fath, of course.

  Meanwhile, my ever faithful and patient Sarah had taken the children to the Eiffel Tower, various museums, numerous cafes, galleries and gardens, and we had all been on the river every afternoon.

  It was beautifully cool on the water and the Vedettes de Paris left from the Pont Neuf every half an hour. They were small boats used often by visitors and had guides to tell the passengers all about the beautiful buildings and places of interest they were passing, but there were also larger boats where it was possible to sit and eat an evening meal while you floated peacefully towards your destination. We had been on these too, as I felt that the best way for the children to see more of Paris was from the river, and at night it looked magnificent with all the lights.

  ‘I would like to go to a cafe and have ice cream,’ Lizzy said in answer to my question.

  ‘I want to go up the Tower again, Mum,’ James chimed in.

  ‘I’m not sure we could get permission to go up again,’ I said. ‘It isn’t always open at this time of year, darling. You went on a special tour that I was lucky to hear about. Perhaps when we come again – if you want to come back?’

  Both children agreed that they did.

  ‘Next time we might explore a little more of France,’ I said. ‘Take a train and go into the countryside. Shall we go on the boats this afternoon?’

  ‘Can we have our pictures drawn?’ Lizzy asked. ‘Sarah said there wasn’t time yesterday – is there time today?’

  ‘We were coming to meet you,’ Sarah explaine
d. ‘I didn’t want to keep you waiting.’

  ‘We’ve got all day,’ I said and smiled at Lizzy. ‘Now this is my idea – I think we should buy some presents to take home, then have ice cream and coffee. Then we’ll have Lizzy’s picture drawn – and anyone else who wants it done. After that we’ll go somewhere special for a long, leisurely lunch, and spend a lazy afternoon on the river. This evening we’ll go and listen to the singers at one of those open-air cafes where they have entertainment – how does that sound?’

  There was a chorus of approval from Lizzy and James. Sarah was content to go along with my plans, but Francine was frowning.

  ‘Would you mind if I went somewhere alone this morning, Emma? I could join you at the Pont Neuf – at say three o’clock?’

  ‘No, of course I don’t mind. If you have something else to do, we could meet this evening.’

  ‘I should like to come on the river. I’ll be at the Pont Neuf at three and wait until you get there.’

  I nodded, noticing the odd expression in her eyes. What was it she had to do that she wanted to keep private?

  After breakfast, Sarah and I took the children on a whirlwind shopping tour. They each had pocket money to spend on whatever they liked, and I was in charge of the presents to take home.

  We bought small gifts for Sol, Mum, Gwen, Jon and Madge Henty. James bought a model of the Eiffel Tower for himself, and some postcards to send to Jack. Lizzy bought a tiny bottle of perfume for me, and I bought her a doll with a china face and blonde curls.

  Sarah admired some lace an old woman was making at a table outside one of the cafes, so we bought a piece of it for her. For Francine I purchased some pretty beads, and for Mrs Rowan a box of wonderful chocolates.

  Unfortunately, we could none of us resist them and we ate them all, so I had to buy her a bottle of wine instead.

  Our purchases complete, we found a cafe selling delicious ices and ate two each.

  ‘We shall all become very fat,’ I announced and Lizzy had a fit of the giggles.

  She was still giggling when we found an artist on the Left Bank who was willing to draw her picture for just a few coins.