The Hearts That Hold

by Rosie Clarke

  He looked so pleased and excited that I was uneasy.

  ‘Don’t hope for too much from James,’ I said, half wishing that I hadn’t given him permission to come.

  ‘I’m not hoping for anything,’ he said. ‘It will just be nice to see my son.’

  ‘You did what?’ Sol stared at me in amazement when, the next morning, I told him I had invited Paul to have lunch with us that Sunday. ‘Do you think that was wise? When you saw him last, you were afraid he might try to take James away from you.’

  ‘James is eighteen now. He will be leaving school soon – and then he will leave me and go to live with Jack. I don’t think there is much danger of Paul trying to take him now. I should fight him, and he just doesn’t have the money to go to court over it. Besides, why should he? I should imagine he finds it hard to keep going on his own. Most firms pay their salesmen commission on what orders they take rather than a wage. It isn’t an easy life. He would hardly want to take on the cost of keeping James – especially as my son has been used to having whatever he wants whenever he wants it.’

  ‘It might do him good to be short of money for a while,’ Sol said. ‘That young man has been thoroughly spoiled.’

  ‘Yes, I suppose he has – but he hasn’t turned out too badly.’

  ‘James is a nice enough lad,’ Sol replied. ‘He could charm the birds out of the trees if he set his mind to it – but heaven help anyone who crosses him.’

  ‘I know he had a temper when he was younger,’ I said. ‘But I haven’t seen any sign of it recently. If anything, he often seems too detached to me, too remote.’

  ‘He has learned to hide his anger,’ Sol replied and frowned. ‘But it’s still there inside him, Emma. He was always jealous of Jon, because you left him several times for Jon’s sake. Since he died, well, James has had no reason to be jealous of anyone. Apart from the time you spend at work, you’ve devoted yourself to those children. They’ve had a wonderful upbringing. I just hope they both appreciate you for it.’

  ‘James knows I love him. Surely, he must? Paul means nothing to me. You’re not suggesting that my son would be jealous of any man I brought home?’

  ‘You haven’t looked at another man since Jon died. You could have married again, Emma. I know there have been men who were interested, but you didn’t even notice them …’

  ‘I’m not interested in marrying again. I’m still in love with Jack. He is married to Angie. They have a daughter … I believe she is called Rachel.’

  ‘Yes, I know. I’ve heard James mention her.’ He looked at me hard. ‘This Paul Greenslade … there’s no chance of you getting together with him?’

  ‘No, none at all. That was over long ago, Sol.’

  ‘Does he know that? You don’t think he’s playing on your sympathy to get his feet under the table …’ Sol growled. ‘I know I’ve got a suspicious mind – but you’re a very wealthy woman, Emma.’

  ‘You think Paul wants a share of my money?’

  ‘He wouldn’t be the first man to try it on for the sake of money.’

  ‘No, I don’t suppose he would,’ I replied. ‘But it won’t do him any good if he tries. I’m just not interested. I would never consider an offer of marriage from Paul.’

  ‘Fair enough. I’ll keep my mouth shut. But be careful, Emma.’

  ‘Yes, I will,’ I said and went to kiss his cheek. ‘You’re so good to me, Sol. I don’t know where I would be without you.’

  He smiled oddly. ‘I’ve often felt the same way, Emma. Now, I’d best get off or Francine will be yelling down the phone for me.’

  I laughed. Francine had gradually taken over the showrooms. Sol still went in every day, more to talk to the clients and pass the time than anything else. Francine was a full partner with us now in the wholesale business. She had insisted on it, and we had welcomed her because she was like a part of the family, but we couldn’t have managed without her. Her designs were the mainstay of our wholesale business, and we exported several thousand pounds worth of merchandize to America each year, thanks to Sheila’s efforts.

  Sheila had refused to take a penny for helping us.

  ‘I owe both you and Sol,’ she had told me just a few months earlier, when I had raised the subject of profit sharing, as I did almost every time we talked. ‘Let me do something for you for a change.’

  I let Sol go off to the showroom. His observations had raised doubts in my mind. Perhaps I would have been wiser not to have invited Paul to lunch, but I had felt it was the lesser of two evils. If I had refused to let him see James, he might have tried to approach him without my permission – and then he would undoubtedly have told him the truth.

  I could only hope that he would keep his promise.

  Chapter 12

  ‘So, how did the concert go?’ I asked Lizzy that Sunday morning when she came down to breakfast ‘Did you enjoy it as much as you expected?’

  ‘The concert was great,’ she replied, then pulled a face. ‘But James spoiled everything when we went round backstage afterwards. He was rude to the band, called them trash and said they sounded like a load of cats wailing.’

  ‘No, surely not!’ I stared at her in surprise. ‘That doesn’t sound like James, darling. He’s usually so charming to everyone.’

  ‘You haven’t heard him when he’s in a mood,’ Lizzy said. ‘He is usually nice when you’re around – but sometimes he’s horrid to me.’

  ‘I’m sorry, darling. I didn’t realize it was that bad. Do you want me to speak to him about it?’

  ‘It would only make him more cross,’ Lizzy said. She sighed. ‘I shouldn’t have complained. I didn’t mean to – but I liked Terry Moon. He was sweet to me, Emmie. He didn’t want to seduce me the way James says. He just wanted to take me out – and kiss me.’

  ‘Kissing can lead to other things. I expect James was just trying to protect you – but he shouldn’t have upset you.’

  ‘Well, I don’t suppose it matters. I wasn’t in love with Terry – but I liked him. How am I ever going to find someone who loves me if James drives them away all the time?’

  I smiled at her. ‘It will happen, Lizzy. When I was working in my father’s shop, I used to think just the same. I thought I would be there all my life, that I would never find happiness …’

  ‘Are you happy, Emmie?’

  ‘Yes, of course, darling. I have you and James – and Sol and Grandma.’

  ‘But no one to love you and kiss you,’ Lizzy said, her large eyes serious as she looked at me. ‘You love Jack, don’t you? I’ve seen the way you look sometimes when James mentions him or Angie. The hurt is in your eyes.’

  How perceptive this adopted daughter of mine was!

  ‘I had to make a choice a long time ago, Lizzy. I chose to do what was right. It wasn’t easy, and I still miss Jack – but I can’t go back. We none of us can.’

  ‘Oh, Emmie,’ Lizzy said. Her eyes were misted with tears as she came to put her arms about me. ‘I do love you so much. James is lucky to have you. I’m not sure he knows how lucky …’

  Lizzy could not understand why James was sometimes resentful towards me, but I knew what lay behind his silences and angry stares.

  ‘I suppose he resents my work – me not being around when he wanted me – and then I sent Jack away. He was too young to understand why at the time, but he blamed me. I’ve tried to show him how much I love him, but I’m not sure it is enough. I suppose I’m to blame if he doesn’t quite trust me.’

  ‘But you’ve always been so good to us,’ Lizzy said and hugged me. ‘You always came back. Sometimes you had to go away, but you always came back.’

  ‘I’m sure James knows that in his heart – but you know how independent he is. You have to let James do what he wants and hope that his own conscience will tell him when he is being unfair … it usually does in the end.’

  ‘Yes, it does mostly,’ Lizzy agreed and smiled. ‘Are all men as bossy as James, Emmie?’

  ‘Yes, darling. Quite a
few of them. I think Jon was the exception – and Sol is always ready to admit he’s wrong, but then, Sol is older and wiser. He has been so good to us, Lizzy.’

  ‘Sol is kind,’ Lizzy said. ‘I like him, of course I do – but I love James. Sometimes, he makes me so angry, but then he smiles and the next thing I know, I agree to do whatever he wants. I only wish he would ask me what I want now and then … instead of just assuming he knows best.’

  There was a wistful note in her voice. I was thoughtful as I looked at her lovely face. Lizzy had been making a bid for her independence recently, which was probably what had caused the disagreements between them. It was only right that she should have some independence – but what was it costing her?

  Was Lizzy in love with James? They had always been so close as children that I had taken their relationship to be that of brother and sister – but they were both growing up fast now.

  I might have asked her what she was feeling, but my mother came in at that moment. She looked pale and tired, and immediately both Lizzy and I were concerned for her.

  ‘What’s wrong, Grandma?’ Lizzy asked. ‘Are you feeling ill?’

  ‘I was looking for my knitting,’ Mum said. ‘Have you seen it, Emma? I wanted to knit a coat for the baby …’

  ‘What baby?’ I asked. I looked at Lizzy in alarm as she helped Mum to sit down in a chair. ‘Whose baby did you want to knit a coat for, Mum?’

  ‘Your baby, of course, Emma. It won’t be much longer now, and we haven’t made any clothes. I don’t know what your father will say if the baby hasn’t any clothes.’

  ‘It’s all right, Mum,’ I said. ‘You’ve forgotten. The baby has grown up now. James is eighteen and he has plenty of clothes.’

  She blinked at me, then put a hand to her forehead. ‘I’ve had this headache all morning, Emma. What have I been saying?’

  ‘Nothing important,’ I replied. ‘Would you like me to ask the doctor to come and see you?’ I was anxious about her. Could she have had some sort of a stroke? I knew she had a weak heart, and it was possible something of the kind might happen.

  ‘What for?’ She looked puzzled. ‘It’s just a headache, that’s all. I shall be perfectly all right soon.’

  ‘Yes, of course you will, I said. ‘Why don’t I help you upstairs? Perhaps you would like to have a little rest before lunch?’

  She smiled at Lizzy. ‘Such a pretty girl. I always told Emma you would be beautiful, didn’t I, Emma?’

  ‘Yes, Mum. You always said so.’

  ‘Lizzy can help me upstairs,’ she said. ‘I’ve got something I want to give her.’

  ‘Shall I, Emmie?’ Lizzy looked at me anxiously.

  ‘Yes, darling. You take Grandma up. Call me if you need me.’

  I watched as they walked from the room. Mum had never wandered in her mind before. I wondered whether I should call the doctor out, but she seemed better again now. It would only make her cross if I sent for a doctor without her asking for him.

  I was trying to make up my mind when Mrs Jordan came in. Mrs Rowan, our housekeeper of many years had recently retired, and we had been very lucky to find someone to take her place. Mrs Jordan was a plump, cheerful woman in her forties, and kept the house spotless.

  ‘I was wanting to ask you about lunch, Mrs Reece. Will you be having drinks in the sitting room first?’

  ‘Yes, I am sure we shall, Mrs Jordan. My guest is arriving at twelve-thirty for one o’clock …’

  ‘What’s that, Ma?’ James asked, coming in behind her at that moment. ‘I didn’t realize we were having guests today.’

  ‘Just one guest, that’s all,’ I said. ‘Was there anything else, Mrs Jordan?’

  ‘No, I just wanted to be sure,’ she said and went away.

  James was looking at me. ‘Who is coming – Francine?’

  ‘No, it isn’t Francine today. It’s a man … someone I knew years ago, before you were born. I met him the other day and invited him to lunch.’

  James’s gaze narrowed. He was immediately wary, on his guard.

  ‘Who is he? Have I met him? Has he been here before?’

  ‘No, darling. I saw him once during the war, but he lived in America for a long time. He was married and had a daughter, but they were killed last year, and since then Paul has been through a bad time. He used to be an architect, but at the moment, he is working as a knitwear salesman … He came to the shop and we gave him an order.’

  ‘Fraternising with the plebs now, Ma?’ James raised his eyebrows at me. ‘You don’t usually invite travelling salesmen to lunch. What is so special about this one?’

  My son was too intelligent to fool. I cursed myself for not having thought of a more plausible story.

  We were friends a long time ago, James. I went out with him a few times when I was very young …’

  ‘An old boyfriend?’ James was instantly alert. ‘And now you feel sorry for him. Be careful, Ma. If he is down on his luck, he’s probably after your money.’

  ‘That’s exactly what Sol said.’ I shook my head at him. ‘I’m not interested in Paul Greenslade, darling, not in that way. Believe me. It was just an impulse. He was lonely …’

  ‘So you took pity on him?’ James pulled a wry face. ‘It’s just as well I’m around to look out for you, Ma. It seems you’re almost as bad as Lizzy. You both need someone to take care of your interests.’

  ‘I’m sure neither of us is going to do anything foolish, James.’

  ‘That remains to be seen,’ my son replied with an irritating air of superiority.

  At that moment, I wasn’t surprised that Lizzy had lost patience with him. James was too sure of himself! I would have loved to have boxed his ears myself, but of course I didn’t.

  ‘Why don’t you go and change, darling? Our guest will soon be here – and I like you to look nice for Sunday lunch. Those jeans are a little bit the worse for wear.’

  ‘Don’t fuss, Ma. It can’t matter one way or the other what I look like. I doubt very much if this Greenslade chap will bother to notice me – it’s obviously you he’s after.’

  After James’s reaction to the news that I was having a male friend to lunch, I was apprehensive about their meeting. On the face of it, I need not have been. No one could have been more affable than my son as he greeted the stranger. He was polite, friendly, interested as he played host, pouring drinks for everyone.

  ‘What can I get you, sir?’ he asked Paul. ‘Will you have sherry – or something stronger?’

  ‘Just water or a squash for me,’ Paul replied. ‘I have an allergic reaction to alcohol. I don’t drink it in any form.’

  ‘Really? How odd,’ James said. ‘I’ve never heard of an allergic reaction – unless you mean you are an alcoholic?’ He was still scrupulously polite, but was there just a hint of sarcasm in his voice?

  A nerve flicked at the corner of Paul’s eye. ‘Yes, I suppose I am. At the clinic, it was spoken of as an illness – a kind of allergy.’

  ‘Yes, I should imagine it would be,’ James said, his expression unchanging. ‘It must be awkward for you in company – but perhaps you don’t go out much?’

  ‘No, not often,’ Paul said. ‘Not since my wife and daughter died. I live alone and I don’t entertain. That’s why I was so pleased when Emma asked me to lunch. This is a real treat for me …’

  ‘Yes, I expect so. And for us, of course. Isn’t it, Ma?’

  ‘It is always nice to have guests,’ I said. ‘Give Paul a glass of iced water, James.’

  James obeyed me. Paul shot a grateful look at me. I thought he was surprised by his son. He had not expected James to be so adult – or so sophisticated.

  I sensed that James was hostile to this man who had invaded his territory. Despite my protests, he probably believed I was interested in Paul. Surely he wasn’t jealous?

  Throughout the meal, I kept up an interesting flow of conversation with Paul, with Sol and with Lizzy. James was silent unless spoken to directly, observing us from benea
th thick, dark lashes. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. Paul looked uncomfortable some of the time, and I was quite pleased. I did not imagine that he would be particularly keen to pursue the relationship with James after this, and I couldn’t help having a sneaking feeling of satisfaction – which was unfair of me.

  It was as we were about to have coffee in the sitting room after the meal that the door opened and my mother walked in. She looked rather wild-eyed and I was immediately anxious for her.

  ‘Mum …’ I said, beginning to rise. ‘Do you feel worse?’

  She was not looking at me. Her gaze was fixed on Paul. In that moment, I sensed that somehow she had recognized him, remembered him and what he had done to our lives.

  ‘Mum, please don’t …’ I began but it was too late to stop her.

  ‘Why have you come here?’ she asked angrily. ‘You were the one! You caused our Emma all that grief. I trusted you, but you let me down … you let my girl down. You seduced her and then went away and left her to have your …’

  ‘Mum!’ I cried. ‘You’re not well.’

  Her eyes rolled upwards. She made a moaning sound, then crumpled into a heap on the floor. I ran to her, knelt down at her side. Sol was with me immediately. He felt for her pulse, then looked at me and shook his head.

  ‘I’m sorry, Emma,’ he said. ‘It’s too late. She has gone. You knew it could happen, with that heart of hers.’

  ‘Mum …’ I cried. Tears filled my eyes. I had known she was not well, but this was so sudden … so final. ‘Mum … please don’t be dead.’

  ‘Someone should get the doctor,’ James said. ‘You will need a death certificate.’

  I glanced up, gasping as I saw the look of cold anger in my son’s eyes. I knew that he had heard and understood every word my mother had said. And he did not like what he had discovered. He did not like it one little bit …

  ‘Would you telephone for the doctor please, James?’ I appealed to him, my eyes silently pleading with him to understand, but his expression did not become less hostile.

  The tension crackled between us, but there was no way I could explain anything to him at this moment. I was too stunned by what had happened, too distressed by Mum’s sudden death. If only I had sent for the doctor earlier! Yet perhaps there was nothing he could have done even then.