The Hearts That Hold

by Rosie Clarke

  ‘Are you leaving him?’

  ‘He’s leaving me. He has been having an affair for more than a year now. She is about nineteen. I can’t compete – besides, I don’t want to. Not anymore. I’m financially secure. I’ve made sure of that over the years. I always knew one of them would be special one day.’

  ‘You mean there have been others?’ She nodded, something flickering in her eyes. ‘I’m so sorry, Sheila. I had no idea.’

  She shrugged. ‘These things happen, especially in the world of show business. Todd always had a roving eye. He fancied you, Emma, but you never looked at him.’

  ‘There has only been one man for me since I met Jack.’

  Sheila hesitated, then, ‘Do you know about Angie?’

  ‘What about her? I know she had a daughter. I think she spends most of her time at Newport. James hardly ever sees her when he visits New York.’

  ‘She drinks too much,’ Sheila said. ‘Jack tried to straighten her out, but he couldn’t. She has been in and out of clinics for years … nothing seems to work for longer than a few weeks. She stops drinking for a while, then goes back to it. I thought Jane Melcher might have told you. She still keeps in touch, doesn’t she?’

  ‘Now and then, Christmas cards mostly these days – but she would never tell me anything like that. Jack probably asked her not to. He must be desperately worried about Angie.’

  ‘I think he hardly goes near her these days. They live apart, Emma. Jack gives her everything she wants, of course.’

  ‘Money is no compensation for love. Poor Angie.’

  I closed my eyes for a moment. Jack and I had tried to do what was right, but it hadn’t worked out as we’d hoped. Angie must have had a reason to drink so heavily, and I thought I understood what lay beneath her unhappiness. She sensed that Jack didn’t love her, that he wished they had never married. He had tried to hide it, I knew him well enough for that – but she had known. Women always did, of course.

  Jack and I had given up so much. And it hadn’t helped either Angie or Jon in the end. We had wasted so many years for nothing. Life was sometimes very cruel.

  I opened my eyes again as someone sprinkled cold water on my face. Lizzy was standing over me, shaking her hair and laughing. She was wet from the swimming pool. Her skin was already a lovely pale golden tan. She looked even more beautiful than ever.

  ‘Lizzy! You wretch.’

  ‘You looked too peaceful,’ she teased. ‘Why don’t you go for a swim? The water is gorgeous – isn’t it, James?’

  ‘If you say so.’

  He had flopped out on a towel and his eyes were closed, apparently bored by what was going on around him. It was a pose, of course, and caused by his unhappiness. I wished there was something I could say or do, but it was impossible for me to reach him. He had shut me out.

  Sheila stood up, her bathing suit revealing that her figure was still trim. ‘I’m going to organize drinks. What will you have, James?’

  ‘A Jamaica Fizz …’

  ‘James,’ I protested. ‘That has rum in it. Not in the middle of the afternoon, darling.’

  ‘Don’t bother, Sheila,’ he said, and snatched up his shirt. I’m going for a walk. Coming, Lizzy?’

  Lizzy hesitated. I could see she wanted to stay and relax with us, but years of trying to please James were too strong.

  ‘All right,’ she called. ‘Wait for me then.’ She grabbed a thin robe to wrap over her bathing suit.

  ‘What about you?’ Sheila asked. ‘I’m having chilled wine, Emma. Nice and cold from the fridge.’

  ‘I’ll have lemonade, please. I don’t drink in the sun. It gives me a headache.’

  As Sheila went away, I watched James and Lizzy begin the steep, winding descent to the sandy beach below. After a few moments, he slipped his arm about her waist. Lizzy turned her head to look up at him. Something in her manner made my heart catch. She was in love with him!

  I had been blind not to realize it sooner. Lizzy had been fighting her feelings for a while now. She had slavishly obeyed James for years, and she had wanted to break free – to experience a different life – but her love for him had drawn her back.

  Mum’s death had been the catalyst that brought them together again. Lizzy had been very distressed, not just for herself but for James, too. She had unselfishly tried to comfort James, and in doing so had been swamped by her love for him.

  I wasn’t sure whether to be glad or sorry. I loved them both. It would be a fairytale ending to their story, but I was aware of unease. Lizzy was in love with James, but did he love her as unselfishly?

  In the past, he had always either bullied or persuaded her into doing what he wanted. Lizzy was so young. She’d never had a chance to spread her wings. I wasn’t sure it would be a good thing for her to marry James too soon.

  If James felt the same as Lizzy, it would explain his terrible behaviour at the Rock and Roll concert, and the way he had found fault of her friends. I had thought he was just trying to protect her – but I knew how jealous James was of those he loved.

  Sheila came back with a tray of drinks.

  ‘Why so serious?’

  ‘I was thinking about James and Lizzy.’

  ‘Oh, those two,’ she said as she set the tray down on a low table. ‘Yes, I had noticed a difference this summer. Do you suppose they are having a fling?’

  ‘Sheila! I hope neither of them would consider it.’

  ‘Come on, Emma!’ Sheila pulled a face at me. ‘She is my daughter – and he is your son. We can’t expect them to behave like little puritans. Not if they’re anything like we were.’

  ‘But Lizzy isn’t seventeen yet.’

  ‘She soon will be. Besides, I was only her age when I went with my first.’ She laughed at the memory. ‘It was over so quickly, I asked him whether that was all there was to it. I’ll give Todd that – he always takes his time.’

  ‘But Lizzy is so sweet and innocent,’ I protested, not wanting to let go of my image of her as a little girl.

  ‘You were a couple of years older when Paul Greenslade got you into trouble, and very naive, but girls are much more aware these days. Lizzy knows what it’s all about. I had a talk to her last summer when that Rock and Roll group was here. She isn’t silly, but that doesn’t mean she won’t let James make love to her. What does it matter? I’ve always thought they might marry one day.’

  I stared at her in silence. I couldn’t hold the moral high ground, nor could I explain why I was uneasy. It was possible that they would marry and be happy – and yet James was in such an awkward mood. I didn’t want him to hurt Lizzy because he was angry with me.

  ‘Leave them to sort themselves out,’ Sheila said. ‘You know what teenagers are these days. They are all rebels, Emma. If you say anything, you will only make them more determined to have their own way. Lizzy as well as James. She can be as stubborn as he is when she wants.’

  ‘Yes, I suppose you’re right.’

  I sipped my drink, trying not to let my imagination run wild. Lizzy had always been affectionate towards James. Perhaps it was no more than that …

  I lay sleepless for a long time that night, tossing and turning as I tried to make sense of it all. What had I done that was so wrong? I had tried hard to make my son happy, but now there was a terrible rift between us, a gap I was not sure could ever be breached.

  Soon James would leave college and go to live with Jack in America. I had known in my heart that it would happen one day. Now it looked probable that Lizzy might go with him.

  I should miss them both so much. I seemed to have lost so many of those I loved. When the children went, I should be alone …

  Except for Sol, of course. At least he was always there, always my friend.

  Sheila had hired a group to play for us. She was giving a party for her friends, many of whom owned villas near by. Some came for holidays, others were resident most of the year. She seemed to be carefree, untroubled by her imminent divorce, dancing with sever
al attractive men during the course of the evening. Once she wandered away from the party, returning some twenty minutes later looking very pleased with herself.

  I thought perhaps she was having an affair. At least she wasn’t suicidal over Todd leaving her for a much younger woman. Sheila had taken her chances and made the most of them. I didn’t need to worry about her future.

  My gaze wandered back to Lizzy and James. They had been inseparable all evening. It was obvious to me now that Lizzy was in love. Her eyes were bright with excitement and she seemed to be lit up from inside.

  Did James feel the same? I hoped he did. I would be upset if he hurt her.

  ‘Sitting here all alone? Why aren’t you dancing?’

  I turned my head to look at the man who had spoken and smiled. He lived just down the hill from Sheila. A retired businessman, he was about Sol’s age, attractive and recently widowed. I liked him more than most of Sheila’s friends, because he had a quiet, gentle manner, and I suspected he was lonely.

  ‘I didn’t feel like dancing,’ I replied. ‘It’s such a lovely evening. I’m happy just to sit here and watch everyone else.’

  ‘It’s a lovely view from up here,’ Tom Wright agreed. ‘Ours isn’t quite as good, but we liked it – Ellen and me.’

  ‘You must miss her a lot?’

  ‘Yes, I do. We had thirty-five good years together. It isn’t easy to live alone after that.’

  ‘No, I am sure it isn’t.’

  ‘You’ve been a widow for several years I understand?’

  ‘Yes. It will be ten years in April next year.’

  ‘That’s a long time.’ He looked at me thoughtfully. ‘Haven’t you ever thought about getting married again?’

  ‘Not really. I have my friends and my family.’

  ‘Ellen told me to look for someone else. She knew she was dying, of course. We both knew. She didn’t want me to be alone. I’m looking for the right person.’

  ‘Then I hope you find her.’

  ‘I thought perhaps I might have done,’ he said. ‘But you’re not interested, are you? I could have offered you companionship and money, my dear. But you have both already.’

  ‘I am always happy to make a friend, but I’m not looking for marriage.’

  Tom nodded. He sat talking for a while, then went to ask Sheila to dance. I had given my full attention to Tom while he sat with me. As my gaze returned to the dancers, I saw that Lizzy and James were no longer amongst them.

  Where had they gone? I glanced round, then walked to the end of the lawn to look down at the beach. Still no sign of them. They had obviously slipped away to be alone.

  I couldn’t go after them, of course. Sheila was right, they weren’t children anymore. They must choose their own way. I had tried to give them a happy childhood, to prepare them for life. It was time to let go.

  I went back to my table and listened to the singer crooning about love. Sheila and Tom were laughing together. For a moment I envied them. Was I a fool to remain true to a love that could never be mine? I had had several chances to remarry, but I’d turned them all down.

  I was still young enough to regret my single state. Both Lizzy and James would be leaving home soon. Perhaps I should start to think about the possibility of marrying again?

  I had no wish to marry anyone but Jack, and it was much too late for regrets now. Jack had probably forgotten me long ago. Even if his marriage were unhappy, there would have been other women to fill his life.

  I could not wish him to have lived like a monk all these years. I knew how hard that could be, how long and lonely the nights could seem when there was no one to hold, no one to whisper to in the dark hours.

  No, I did not want to live alone for the rest of my life – but what was the alternative? I had experienced marriage without real love, and I did not want that again. It seemed as though I had no choice but to go on as I was.

  ‘It was lovely having you here,’ Sheila said and hugged me. ‘Come back again soon. I shall miss you, Emma.’

  ‘You won’t be lonely,’ I teased. ‘You have so many friends.’

  ‘Most of them are just acquaintances,’ she said. ‘You and me – we go back a long way.’

  ‘To the dark ages,’ I said and smiled at her. ‘Why don’t you come for Christmas? We would love to have you.’

  ‘I’ll think about it,’ she promised. ‘I’ll keep in touch, Emma.’

  Lizzy kissed her goodbye.

  ‘I’ve had a lovely time, Sheila.’

  ‘Come again when you like.’ Sheila glanced at me. ‘You are welcome to stay as often as you want. You will be leaving school soon, Lizzy.’

  ‘No, I shan’t,’ Lizzy said. ‘I’m going to college. I want to train to be a doctor. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, and now I’ve made up my mind.’

  ‘You’ll never stick to it,’ James scoffed. ‘I know you – you’ll get miserable as soon as you find the work is too hard.’

  ‘I don’t see why Lizzy shouldn’t be a doctor if she wants, James. She is a clever girl.’

  ‘No, Ma. I don’t expect you do see why she shouldn’t waste her time and her looks.’

  ‘What is that supposed to mean?’

  James shrugged. The smouldering look he gave Lizzy told me that he was annoyed with her. The closeness I had observed between them a few days earlier seemed to have cooled.

  What had gone wrong? Had they quarrelled again?

  I didn’t dare ask, but two days after we were home, I found Lizzy alone in the sitting room, crying.

  ‘What’s wrong, darling? Has something upset you?’

  She looked at me, then blew her nose on her hanky. ‘It’s James,’ she said. ‘He is being such a beast about me going to college. He says I’m too pretty to waste my time trying to be something I can’t. He wants me to quit school now and go to America with him.’

  ‘And you don’t want to?’

  ‘I want to be with James,’ Lizzy said. She wiped her eyes. ‘I love him – but this time I can’t give him all his own way, Emmie. This is important to me. Perhaps James is right. I might not be clever enough to pass all the exams – but I want to try.’

  ‘Then you should do it,’ I said. ‘James always wants his own way. If he loves you enough, Lizzy, he will understand this means a lot to you. He will give you time to grow up. You are both very young. In fairness to you both, you should wait a little before you think of settling down. There is no rush to do anything yet, is there?’

  Lizzy’s cheeks were pink. Her eyes could not meet mine. I sensed that she and James had become lovers when we were all in France.

  ‘I’ve told James that,’ she said at last. ‘He says I can’t love him if I won’t go away with him. I do love him, Emmie – but I want to go to college first.’

  ‘Would you like me to talk to him for you?’

  ‘No.’ Her head went up, and I saw pride in her eyes. ‘I was crying because it’s so hard to choose – but I have made my choice. I’m going to stay on at school and then go to medical college. I’m going to tell James this evening.’

  ‘Are you quite sure?’

  ‘Yes. If I go with him now, I’ll never really be me. I have to do this for myself – and then I can marry James when we’re both ready.’

  ‘I think you have made a wise decision, darling – but James won’t like it.’

  ‘I know,’ she said quietly. ‘But I shan’t change my mind.’

  ‘You did this – you made Lizzy say she wouldn’t come with me. Don’t deny it, Mother. She wouldn’t have dared to go ahead with it if you hadn’t encouraged her.’

  ‘You underestimate Lizzy. She has a will of her own. She has let you have your own way for so long … this time she wants something for herself. If you really care about her, James, you will give her that chance. After all, you are only eighteen yourself. It’s far too young to marry. You wanted to see some of the world. Why don’t you do that? Forget college and go to America for a couple of years or
so …’

  ‘Oh yes, you would like that, wouldn’t you?’

  ‘Not particularly. I thought it was what you wanted?’

  James stared at me. Had he expected me to forbid him to go? It was probably what he wanted. My son was a rebel. He kept a poster of the tragic James Dean, who had died in a car smash at the age of twenty-four, on his bedroom wall, and wore his dark hair in the same style as the moody young film star.

  I smiled inwardly, amused by James’s frustration. My son did not know what he wanted. I had spoiled him. My friends had spoiled him. Perhaps it was time he stood on his own two feet for a while.

  ‘Rebel without a cause,’ I murmured so softly that he could not hear. Then in a louder voice, ‘Go on, James. I’ll put some money into your bank account. You wanted to be independent. I’m not holding you back anymore. Go to America – or wherever you like. Lizzy is going to train as a doctor. I am very proud of her for trying even if she doesn’t quite make it. Why don’t you show me what you can do? You can’t let Lizzy beat you.’

  His mouth fell open. ‘You’re really telling me to leave?’

  ‘Yes, I am. I’ve had enough of your moods, James. You can come home when you’ve got something to show for all the time and money I’ve lavished on you for eighteen years. At the moment, I am rather wondering if I’ve been wasting my time.’

  James stared at me in disbelief; then he started to laugh. ‘That’s telling me, isn’t it, Ma? You’ve really thrown the gauntlet down, haven’t you? Well, I’ll pick it up – and I shan’t need your money. I can fend for myself.’

  ‘That’s nice, darling. Good luck.’

  ‘You think I’m just saying that, don’t you? But I’ve been offered a job as a photographer for a magazine.’

  ‘I’ve always thought you should concentrate on stills. You are very good at that. So – when do you leave?’

  ‘Tomorrow,’ he said. ‘You think I’ll change my mind, but I shan’t.’

  ‘Nor shall I. The money will be in your account if you need it.’

  Our eyes met for a few moments, neither of us was willing to give way. This was the showdown that had been waiting to happen for a long time.

  ‘So long then, Ma. I’ll see you sometime.’