“How’s Darren coping with all of this?” he asked.
“He tries his best, but he’s also emotionally fragile. He needs my support, Ash. I have to be there for him, too. But I know you don’t want me spending too much time with Darren. I can understand that, but I don’t know what to do,” she said, her face a picture of despair.
He nodded. He’d fight for Brenna until all the blood had been drained out of his body—but not if being with him would only cause her more pain and confusion.
His heart throbbed painfully. He didn’t want to say what he was about to say, but he couldn’t see any other way around this.
“Bren, there’s a big part of me that would never stop getting upset and worried about you and Darren acting like a couple. At the same time, there’s a part of me that knows I shouldn’t stop you from doing this for Patty’s sake.” He squeezed her hand tightly. “I think the best way to handle this is for us is to break up,” he said, his voice cracking.
Brenna gasped. “What?”
“It’ll be easier for the both of us, Bren,” he whispered, gulping to hold back his emotions. “I don’t want you going around worrying about both Patty and me. That would be putting too much stress on you. And I’m afraid that if we’re together, I’d always make you anxious because I won’t be able to help being jealous about you and Darren. If we’re not together, it would be easier for me to manage it—because there would be none of the expectations and obligations that come with us being in a relationship.”
“Ash, you can’t be serious,” Brenna said, the tears in her eyes pooling.
He blinked back his own tears. “Bren, I know you wouldn’t want to stop helping Patty get through this difficult time. Even though I can’t stand the thought of you seeing Darren so often, I won’t ask you to stop spending time with him either. It would make me feel guilty as hell, knowing how that would be detrimental to his mother’s emotional well-being. But... I just can’t sit and watch it happen right before my eyes," he said, unable to say out loud that he wouldn't be able to endure watching her and Darren fall in love again. "You’ll be wracked with guilt seeing me go through that. It could really tear us apart. So let’s at least keep our friendship intact. We’ll still see each other, but not as boyfriend-girlfriend.”
“Is this a temporary breakup?” Brenna asked, tears streaming down her face.
His heart squeezed painfully. “It would be better if we don’t think of it as temporary.”
Brenna sobbed softly, but she didn’t say anything else. He knew then that she also saw the wisdom of this decision, even though it was hard for them both.
He lifted her hand to his lips then replaced it on her lap.
“Goodbye, Bren,” he whispered, pieces of his heart crashing to the floor. I’ll always love you. Then he stood up and walked away.
*****
“Hey, Ash!”
“Hi, Bec,” Ash said, hugging Rebecca tightly before walking into her house. “You look great! Zach really suits you.”
Rebecca chuckled. “Yes, he does. How are you?”
He saw the concern in Rebecca’s eyes. Yes, she must already know about what had happened to him and Brenna. “I’m good,” he said, giving her a convincing smile. “How was your honeymoon?”
“Fantastic. I didn’t want it to end. If it were possible to extend it, I would have. But Zach was needed back in the office.”
“I bet Magda was glad you guys are back, though,” he said as he followed Rebecca to the rear of the house. “She must have missed you guys so much to organise this welcome-back party. She even rang me personally to make sure I was turning up.”
“Actually,” Rebecca said, lowering her voice to a whisper, “my lovely grandmother-in-law wouldn’t have minded if we’d extended our honeymoon if it meant more chances of a great-grandchild for her.”
Ash laughed. “And do you have good news for her?”
“No, not yet,” Rebecca said with a chuckle. “Gran will have to wait for a few more months. Zach and I want to enjoy married life with just the two of us for a little while more.”
“Is everyone here already?” he asked.
“Yes, except for Greg. He should be here soon.”
His heart galloped. That meant Brenna had arrived. Since their breakup last week, he hadn’t heard from her. Not that he’d expected her to call or anything, but he’d been wondering if she was okay.
Amanda and Connnor had turned up at his doorstep four days ago, wanting to make sure he was fine. He’d assured them he was, and gave them hints that it would be better for both him and Brenna to be given the breathing space to deal with their split. None of the other guys had checked up on him, so he assumed Amanda had passed on the request.
He and Rebecca walked out the back door and into the sunshine. He spotted people lounging by the property’s magnificent poolside. A woman wearing an apron was setting up an outdoor buffet table, and he guessed she was either part of a catering team or a permanent Carmichael staff.
Then he saw Brenna, and his heart did flip-flops. She was sitting under the shade of a big umbrella, seemingly in deep discussion with Magda Carmichael.
“Ash!” Amanda cried, diverting his attention. “How are you, darling?”
“I’m good, sis,” he said, returning her hug.
Ash went to greet the other guys, until he only had Magda and Brenna to say hello to. He walked over to them,
“Ashton. Hello!” Magda said with a wide smile, getting up from her comfortable seat. “I’m glad to see you.”
“Same here, Magda,” he said, giving the sprightly eighty-year-old a kiss on the cheek.
Magda stepped aside, and the time had come for him to greet Brenna.
“Hi, Bren,” he said, his heart thudding hard in his chest. God, he missed her so.
“Hi, Ash,” she said with a smile, putting her arms around him for a hug.
His heart banged harder, and he was sure she felt it. His own arms went around her, tightening of their own volition.
“How’s everything going?” she asked, disentangling herself from him.
“Good, thanks,” he said, a little breathless. “How are things with you?”
Her smile was sad. “Okay,” she said simply.
He frowned. “How’s Patty?”
“She was okay the last time I saw her. But her health is deteriorating.”
He shook his head in sympathy.
“Magda said she’d call some of her contacts to make sure Patty is being seen by the best specialists.”
“That’s good,” he said, smiling gratefully at Magda. The elderly woman had a heart of gold.
“Speaking of specialists,” Magda said. “My optometrist gave me a referral to see you, Ash. Your calendar should show that I have an appointment with you this Wednesday, from memory. Apparently my blurred vision is due to cataract.”
“Oh, right,” he said, instinctively focusing his attention on Magda’s eyes.
“I’ll leave you two to talk,” Brenna said, sliding a hand on his arm. “I’m getting a drink. Do you want something, Ash?”
“I’ll be fine for now, Bren. Thanks,” he said. He couldn’t help but watch her walk away. What he wouldn’t give to take her in his arms again—as his girlfriend. He shook his head, annoyed at himself for his continued foolishness.
He drew his attention back to Magda, who was watching him with interest.
“You know, Ash,” Magda said as she arranged herself on her chair, “I’ve been walking around with less-than-perfect eyesight for a while now. I haven’t noticed that it’s been deteriorating gradually because I’m still able to see as long as I wear my glasses. Isn’t it funny how I got used to things, not realising there’s something significantly wrong with my vision?”
Ash chuckled. “Yes, most people tend to adjust. Only when it becomes bad enough do they do something about it. It’s always better to diagnose and treat any health issues early. The ideal, of course, is to take measures to prevent problems developing altogeth
er.”
“Yes,” Magda mused. “Like my eyesight. Right now I think I’m seeing clearly enough to get by. But I’m sure that after you fix it, I’ll be surprised at the difference a clearer vision makes. Have you had your eyes checked lately, Ash?” she added.
“Yes. I see my colleague regularly for tests.”
“That’s good. Make sure you’re seeing things as clearly as you could. Your vision could be cloudy and you might not know it. Lots of us make poor decisions because of poor vision. It’s a shame, really.”
Ash stared at Magda. Was she trying to tell him something?
Another lady with an apron on came by with a tray of drinks. He took a glass of wine and glanced around. His eyes landed on Brenna, chatting with Gemma. She was comfortable around him today. That was good. It seemed their friendship was back on track.
His heart lurched at the thought. He had made the right decision, hadn’t he?
CHAPTER TWELVE
“He hugged me very tightly, Gem. I know he’s gone back into hiding, but he couldn’t fool me. His heart was beating so loudly I swear I heard it,” Brenna said with conviction.
Gemma sighed. “Yes, he’s gone back to his old coping techniques—swallowing his hurt and pretending everything’s okay.”
“But that can’t be good for him!” Brenna exclaimed.
“And it’s not good for you either,” Gemma said pointedly.
Brenna slumped back in her seat. “He broke up with me so I wouldn’t feel so torn. He didn’t want me to feel guilty and stressed from worrying about his reactions when I’m with Darren. But this is worse! This hurts so bad!”
“Then tell him that.”
“But what about him, Gem?” she asked in a softer voice. “He said it would be easier for him to handle his jealousy if we’re not in a relationship. If I force us to get back together, wouldn’t I also be forcing him to suffer more? And I can totally see why his jealousy is quite irrational when it comes to Darren. He watched me with Darren for years. Multiple times he’s seen us kiss and be lovey-dovey. He must have been wounded enough from that, so I can understand why he couldn’t bear to see me and Darren together now.” She sighed in frustration. “I love him so much but I don’t know what to do!”
Gemma slammed her drink on the table. “This is ridiculous. You guys love each other yet you’re not together. You’re both protecting each other from further hurt and you’re both suffering from it. It’s not fair!”
“Hey, what’s going on?” Rebecca asked as she, Sarah and Amanda joined them.
Gemma repeated her mini-tirade against the unfairness of the situation Brenna and Ash found themselves in.
“You know, Bren,” Amanda said. “If only Ash could get over his jealousy, this wouldn’t be a problem. If only he could trust that you won’t fall in love with Darren again, then he wouldn’t get too jealous. And then you wouldn’t feel like you’re hurting him whenever you and Darren have to pretend in front of Patty.”
Brenna stared at Amanda, a lightbulb going on in her head. “Amanda, thank you,” she said with awe.
Amanda exhaled loudly. “Don’t thank me yet, Bren. I’ll do what I can to help Ash wake up, but his scars are deep.”
“What I mean is I can work on making him trust that I won’t fall for Darren again,” she answered, a smile spreading on her face. “Magda’s right. She told me earlier she believes love can conquer all. What I have to do is show Ash I love him fully and unconditionally, and that I’m his girl whether we’re together or not. That I’ll keep turning up even if he tries to push me away. Then hopefully, he’ll see that he really has nothing to worry about.”
*****
Brenna went back to the buffet table to get more food. To her disappointment, the olives in some of the dishes had run out. She loved olives like some people loved chocolates.
She settled for some Caesar salad and returned to the dining table where everyone was seated. Deliberately passing behind Ash, she peeked at his plate. Just as she’d suspected, he had five olives pushed to the side of his dish. Usually, he’d have given them to her by now, but she guessed he didn’t want to look like he cared too much. Silly man. Wasn’t he supposed to act like they were good friends again?
She bent down and spoke in his ear. “Thanks for my olives, hon,” she said, startling him. Then she reached out to transfer the olives to her plate.
“I don’t remember saying you can take them,” he said, his voice laced with amusement.
“You know you were going to give them to me anyway,” she said sweetly, then straightened to go back to her seat.
“Hey, do you mind if we switch seats, Bren?” Greg asked. “I want to talk to Gemma.”
“Sure,” she said readily, glad to take the seat next to Ash. What a happy coincidence.
“Are you being bothered by reporters and photographers, Gemma?” Magda asked with concern.
“Uh, not really... except for a couple of times,” she admitted.
“That’s what I want to talk to you about,” Greg said.
“I’m miffed,” Brenna whispered to Ash. “No one has written about us yet.”
Ash simply chuckled.
“The next time I know there are paparazzi around, I’m going to drag you in front of the nearest Carmichael brother and I’ll pash you.”
“Brenna...” Ash said with warning.
“What?” she asked innocently.
Ash shook his head and smiled. “Nothing, I guess. Glad to see you’re okay. It’s good that we can joke around like we used to before we got together.”
Her jaw dropped. If it weren’t for the people around them, she’d have given him a shake for being so obtuse. Honestly!
*****
“He is driving me crazy!” Brenna complained to Gemma over the phone. “I deliberately bumped into him outside his gym this morning, and again he pretended everything was like it used to be when we were just friends. Every time I flirt with him, he laughs it off. Why does he do that?”
“Now you’re seeing what we used to see in the past, Bren,” Gemma answered. “That’s how Ash used to react every time you joked around with him. He’d laugh it off, then when you weren’t looking he’d watch you with a sad look on his face, not knowing we were watching him. He must think you’re back to your pre-relationship days.”
Gemma’s words sobered her. “I guess he’s put up with a lot from me, hey?” she said.
“I think you need to be patient with him, Bren. Remember what you said? That you’ll show him unconditional love, and that you’ll keep turning up when he pushes you away?”
“Yeah.”
“And you know what? I seriously doubt words would mean much to Ash. It’s your actions that would prove to him you love him.”
“I know. That’s another thing that frustrates me. When we were at Amanda and Connor’s, I told him I missed him. I said I miss you, Ash. And you know what he did?”
“He said he missed you too, patted you on the shoulder, then said see you later. Amanda told me,” Gemma said.
“I think he’s being deliberately thick,” she said sadly. “I don’t think he has any intentions of getting back with me again.”
“I think Darren being around you again is digging up all his past hurts and insecurities,” Gemma said quietly. “I think he’s acting like that not because he doesn’t want to be with you again, but because he’s shielding himself from the pain that he thinks is headed his way. Remember how Ash was there to comfort you over your multiple breakups with Darren? Ash took you to dinners and movies and beaches and parks. Do you remember what you used to say to us about him? You said Ash was so sweet, and that it was nice having a male friend who was as close to you as a brother.”
Tears immediately filled Brenna’s eyes, emotions choking her at the memory.
“Bren?”
“Gosh, I’ve been so hurtful to him,” she said through her tears.
“Bren, are you sure that what you’re feeling for Ash now is not brother
ly love? Or maybe even pity?” Gemma asked tentatively.
“I’m one hundred percent sure it’s not brotherly love, or friendly love, or pity,” she said with conviction. “I’m in love with him, Gem. And I’m dying to sleep with him again. I want him so much.”
“Then show him that.”
“Yes. I will,” she said.
“How?” Gemma asked curiously.
“I’m tempted to turn up at his place and strip naked,” she said with a little giggle.
“Why don’t you?” Gemma challenged.
She paused. “Yes, why don’t I?”
“Great! I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Ash realises the truth of your feelings for him. Then your problems will be over.”
She exhaled gustily. “Not all my problems. I’m having some issues with Darren lately.”
“What?”
“He seems to get agitated every time I mention Ash. He comes up with ridiculous statements about how Ash’s feelings for me couldn’t be strong because Ash never pursued me back when he and I were dating.”
Gemma snorted. “He obviously has no idea. But do you think Darren wants you back?”
“No. I think he’s scared I might pull out of our arrangement to please Ash. He’s worried for his mum.”
“Ah.”
“Darren also wants me to go with him every time he visits his mother, which could be more than once a week.”
“That’s not fair on you, Bren. He doesn’t have the right to expect that of you.”
“I know. I do put my foot down, but I try to say it nicely. He is under a heck of a lot of pressure, including financially. He let it slip the other night that money was becoming a problem.”
“I can sympathise with that. But Bren, please don’t make their problem your problem. You have your own life to live. You’re way too nice sometimes.”
“I know,” she said, Ash filling her mind.
“Getting back to stripping for Ash, when are you gonna do it?” Gemma teased.
She took a deep breath. “Tonight. After I hang up the phone.”
*****
Brenna rang Ash’s doorbell, her hands cold and shaking from nervous anticipation. A couple of minutes passed and there was no sign of movement inside. She pressed the button again, wondering if she should have called first. Maybe he wasn’t home? But where could he be at ten o’clock on a Tuesday night?
Always (Time for Love Book 4) Page 10