Miss Fortune

by A. J. Stern

  We were very quiet. Someone coughed and someone else said, “Shh.” It was extremely suspenseful, and that is not an opinion. It was also the most exciting moment of my entire life.

  I heard my dad’s voice outside and his keys jangling. If I got even an inch more excited, I would probably explode.

  The door opened and I heard my dad say, “I wonder where they could have gone.”

  “Beats me,” Simon said. “Why don’t you show me around?”

  My dad’s footsteps grew louder and closer, and when he flipped on the lights, we screamed at the top of our guts, “SURPRISE!”

  My dad gasped and jumped. Then he put his hand on his heart, and Simon put his arm around my dad’s shoulders and gave him a side hug.

  “Surprise, dear friend.”

  My dad’s face was the reddest-red I’ve ever seen it. It almost matched Star’s dress.

  “I can’t believe it!” he said.

  Then my mom and I ran up to him and hugged and kissed him, and the whole room started to clap and sing “Happy Birthday” together.

  The party hadn’t even started, and so far it was the best party I’d ever been to actually and nevertheless.

  My job as Star’s assistant was one of the best jobs I’ve ever had in my life, and that is not an opinion.

  I was very good at using my guts. Star even said so, based on the very first person I brought to her. Star let me stand close and said I could listen, but I wasn’t allowed to speak or hover. That meant she didn’t want me to accidentally breathe in her magical powers because then I’d have them, too.

  The first person I brought to her was a friend of my mom’s named Rosemary. Star asked Rosemary whether she would like her palm read or her fortune told from the cards. Rosemary chose the cards, and Star told her to shuffle them.

  While she was shuffling, Star asked Rosemary to think of a special question she wanted answered. When she was done, she asked Rosemary to divide the deck into three piles. While she was doing that she should still think about her question.

  I made a brain note of all of this. When Rosemary was done, Star said it was time for Rosemary to ask her question out loud.

  “Will I be a famous artist?”

  Then Star turned over some cards and did a lot of hmmming and ah-haaing. Then she turned over more cards and hmm-ed and ahhh-ed some more.

  Finally, when she had about nine cards laid out, she told Rosemary the story of what the cards said.

  A for instance of what I mean is that she pointed to the first card and said, “This card represents your past. In the past, you encountered a lot of obstacles. This card represents who you are now,” and then she explained to Rosemary who she was right then.

  Star said something about having difficulty and keeping your eyes open for the unexpected. Then she said something about jobs that were not good and she should leave and get a new one. Then she turned over some more cards and told more and more about Rosemary’s future.

  There were so many different cards, and each one had a special name and meaning. It was a lot to take brain notes about.

  When they were done, Star stood up and said, “This concludes our reading.”

  That’s when I reached into the fortune cookie bag and gave Rosemary a cookie.

  I looked at Star, and she winked at me, which meant she thought giving a fortune cookie was a very fortune-tellerish thing to do.

  Rosemary took the cookie, thanked Star, and told everyone how fabulous her reading was. I went to find someone else, and this time I brought back Elliott’s mom, Julie.

  “I want to know if I will ever find love again,” she asked Star and then stuck her palm out for her to read. I was very happy about this because I had no brain notes about palm reading.

  Elliott’s parents had just gotten divorced, which was very sad. His dad had a girlfriend already, but Julie did not have a boyfriend. This is a for instance of why she wanted to know about getting one.

  The palm reading went something like this: “You have a very strong heart line. It intersects with your life line. You may not feel like you have much luck in love, but you are wrong. The second part of your life is much better than the first. You will meet the man of your dreams sooner than you might expect.”

  “Really?” Julie asked, getting red in the face.

  “Yes. Brace yourself now. I also see a wedding in your near future.”

  “A wedding?”

  “Yes. You will be getting married again. Now, let’s take a look at your health line.”

  There were a lot of lines on the palm that I had to remember. I tried to repeat them over and over so I wouldn’t forget: heart, head, health, life, marriage, money, fame. Heart, head, health, life, marriage, money, fame. Heart, head, health, life, marriage, money, fame.

  At the very end of the reading, Star looked Julie right in the eye sockets and said, “You are going to be exceptionally happy.”

  Then she stood up and said, “This concludes our reading.”

  Then I handed her a fortune cookie, and she nearly danced away, that’s how filled up with happiness she was.

  The party went really late, and my parents let me stay up. But the best part was that before it was over, they let Star give ME a reading. I already knew what my question was, and I thought about it while I shuffled the cards. Then, when she laid them all out, she asked me to tell her what I wanted to know.

  “Will I have my very own office when I grow up?” I asked her.

  The card reading went very well because apparently, I am not only going to have my own office, I’m going to be the BOSS of at least three people. I could hardly believe my ear sockets I was so excitified by this news.

  However and nevertheless, the last cards I turned over were not as good.

  “You often act before you think, and that gets you into a lot of trouble,” she told me.

  My mom, dad, and I looked at one another, shocktified because this was a scientific fact.

  “You have a very active imagination, and you can get lost in your own fantasies. You must learn how to control this.” Then she stood up and said, “This concludes our reading.”

  After Star left, my mom, dad, and I all took fortune cookies and read one another our fortunes. My mom went first: “A thrilling time is in your immediate future.”

  “Your greatest fortune is the large number of friends you have,” my dad read.

  “Hey, that’s a good one!” my mom said. Then it was my turn. When I opened it, I got chilly bumps all over my skin top.

  “Your many hidden talents will become obvious to those around you.”

  I knew exactly what this fortune meant. It meant that I did have hidden talents as a fortune-teller. Hidden talents should not go to waste, and that is why I decided that I was going to open my very own fortune-telling business at school.

  I spent the entire day on Sunday getting ready to open my fortune-telling business.

  First, I found a deck of playing cards, but they didn’t have pictures on them like Star’s did. So I decided to make my own fortune-telling cards. I got a lot of craft paper and cut out twelveteen rectangles. Then I gave them fancy king and queen names like Star’s cards. I couldn’t remember the exact titles, but I knew each card was about something very specifical. I made some up that sounded very perfect. Queen of Spectacles. King of Quiet. Prince of Friends and so on.

  When I was done, I shuffled them all together and tied a rubber band around them so they wouldn’t spill out.

  I went to my mom’s closet and chose a red scarf that looked very similar to Star’s to tie around my head. Then I opened the linen closet and picked a tablecloth that was very colorful because that is what Star’s tablecloth looked like.

  What I really needed was a crystal ball. I know Star didn’t have one, but that’s because she isn’t the kind of fortune-teller who looks inside a crystal ball. It is a scientific fact that I am that kind of fortune-teller.

  Then my brain remembered an old brain note abo
ut something. Elliott’s mother loved to bowl so much she owned her own bowling ball! A bowling ball is the exact shape and size of the crystal ball I imagined in my head!

  I stood very still for a minute to see if my eyeballs felt like they were fortune-telling eyeballs. When I decided they were, I called Elliott and asked if I could borrow his mother’s bowling ball.

  While I did not have a red dress exactly, I decided I would wear something red, however and nevertheless. It is against the law for fortune-tellers to wear any other color except red.

  I laid out my red pants, my red short-sleeved shirt, and my purple long-sleeved shirt on the chair to wear the next day. That was my worker outfit. If my business went very well, I would probably have to wear this outfit every day.

  Then I went down to the living room where there were a thousandy leftover fortune cookies and brought them up to my room. My mom said I could bring them to school to share with everyone.

  When I was done gathering everything, I spent a little time practicing my skills. My dad walked by me in the kitchen, and I said, “Dad. Today you will not encounter any obstacles.”

  He stopped, smiled, and said, “Bird, I hope you are right.”

  “At the end of the day, will you tell me if I was?” I asked him.

  “It’s a deal.”

  When I saw my mom I said, “Mom, today you will hear from a faraway relative.”

  “I didn’t know I had any!” my mom said, surprisified.

  I didn’t know if she had any, either.

  “Well, you will,” I told her. “I see it in your future.”

  Then I went outside to watch my dad mow the lawn to see if he encountered any obstacles. He did not.

  My mom came outside, too, and when he saw us, he waved and then called out for some iced tea because that’s his favorite. The phone did not ring once, so I was disappointed that my powers about a faraway relative were wrong.

  At dinner that night, my dad told me that he did not encounter one obstacle that day. My fortune-telling powers were very strong.

  “Actually, they are only half strong,” I told him. “I told Mom that she would hear from a faraway relative, and she didn’t.”

  “Yes, she did,” my dad said.

  My mom and I looked at each other with quizzical eyeballs.

  “I called out to Mom for some iced tea when I was mowing the lawn. I was far away, and I’m a relative.”

  “Oh yeah!” I said, smiling. “That must be what I meant!”

  I swelled up with pride-itity. That fortune cookie was right. I was a natural at this. I was very happy to know that my powers were in tip-top shape to open my very own business.

  I was so excitified to open my fortune-telling business at school the next day that I got into bed an hour early. Tomorrow would come much sooner that way, but that is not certainly how it felt. I was actually very boredified. Eventually, though, I boredified myself to sleep.

  When I woke up, it was with the hugest fortune-telling smile. I was so excitified, I could even feel a grin underneath my smile. I’m very smart about under-smile grins. I ran downstairs and raced through breakfast.

  Then I got dressed faster than anyone ever has in the world, jumped into the backseat of the car, and tried to make my mom drive faster with my brain. I think it worked a little bit.

  When we got to school, my mom kissed me good-bye and I ran inside, up the stairs, and into the cubby room to get the crystal ball from Elliott. He wasn’t there yet, so I sat inside my cubby and waited. I waited so long, my head almost fell off.

  Finally, after I thought I was going to have to walk to his house and get him myself, Elliott showed up. He was lugging the heaviest-looking bag in one hand, and his backpack was falling off his shoulder.

  “Here’s the bowling ball, Frannie,” Elliott told me, dropping it with a crashing thud right at my feet. “It’s very heavy.”

  “Thank you so much, Elliott. I didn’t realize it would be so heavy. I’ll carry it from now on,” I told him because that was only fair.

  Then I unzipped it to see if maybe it accidentally turned into a crystal ball. But it hadn’t. It was still just a regular, old bowling ball. It was white, though, not black like most bowling balls. This was good news to me because it meant that I would have an easier time seeing inside of it. I put it in my cubby, and when Millicent and Elizabeth arrived and were putting their coats away, I told them that I was starting a fortune-telling business and they could be my first customers.

  “Where are you going to open it?” Elizabeth asked me.

  “The cafeteria,” I said. I needed a very big space to hold all my customers. I could have also used the gym since it was bigger, but it was also squeakier and smellier. That would not be good for business.

  On our way to our classroom I started to worry about how many things I had to do to set up my business, actually. First of all, I needed a sign. And a table. And a chair. This was not all stuff I could do by myself. And then, you will not even believe your ears about this: All three of my friends, Elliott, Millicent, AND Elizabeth, asked if they could work at my fortune-telling company.

  The second they asked me, I got tingly top skin about something. Star told me I’d be the boss of at least three people, and here I was… being the boss of THREE PEOPLE. I could not believe how amazing a fortune-teller she was. This meant that they were supposed to be my workers and not my customers, which is a for instance of why I told them yes.

  However and nevertheless, the first order of business was to have a meeting.

  Meetings are very important, and my dad has them from time to time. He has to shuffle a lot of papers around to get ready for them, and he always puts the papers in his briefcase. Briefcases are extremely official, so I knew that if you say you’re going to have a meeting, it’s very seriousal and honestly professional.

  That is why I said we would have a meeting. It would be an extremely fast meeting after class. They agreed, and then we all rushed into our seats before Mrs. Pellington yelled our faces off for being late.

  Mrs. Pellington had been telling us all about the map of the United States. She had a pull-down poster and a long stick she used to point to the different states.

  I decided to use this time to practice fortune-telling. Every time Mrs. P. would lift her pointer from one state, I would guess which state she’d go to next before she got there. (It is not an opinion that I was right a lot of the time, and those are the times I felt very fortune-tellerish.)

  Then I fortune-told that Millicent would secretly be reading a book on her lap, and when I looked over, she was turning the page of a book she was secretly reading on her lap. Millicent was always secretly reading books, but that does not mean I didn’t fortune-tell it.

  When I looked over at Elliott, he was doodling on the map Mrs. Pellington asked us to draw. I knew he’d be doodling!

  I could not wait to open my business already. All this sitting around was wasting my superpowers of fortune-telling.

  When recess came, I was twenty-hundred years and forty-five minutes old. That’s how much time passed before we could get to work setting up my business. Since we had lunch right after recess, it gave us time to plan.

  At my school we have indoor and outdoor recess. There is a playground right outside the cafeteria, and you have your choice of where you want to spend the half hour.

  Because we had to have an official meeting, we stayed inside. I’ve never heard about adults having professional meetings on a playground.

  In our meeting we decided to open the business in the cafeteria at lunchtime. Then we decided we would use the lunch table we were sitting at as the fortune-telling table.

  I asked Elizabeth to make a sign. She had the best handwriting, which is a for instance of why I asked her.

  She asked Mrs. P. if she could get craft paper and glitter pens from the art room and Mrs. P. said yes, if she was fast about it. Millicent was in charge of carrying the supply bag, which was where my scarf, cards, and t
ablecloth were. And I was in charge of the crystal bowling ball.

  While Elizabeth was busy getting the craft paper, I reached into the supply bag and pulled out my scarf and wrapped it around my head. That’s when I remembered the fortune cookies!

  I asked Mrs. P. if I could run back to the classroom and get something from my cubby. She said yes, but just be fast about it. It is a scientific fact that I was faster than Elizabeth.

  When I got back with the fortune cookies, I unzipped Elliott’s mother’s bag and pulled out the white bowling ball, which I put right on top of the tablecloth, in the center of the table.

  Soon, Elizabeth came running down from the art room holding a scroll of red paper. When she unscrolled it, I could not believe my eye sockets about how beautiful it was. It said FREE FORTUNES FROM FRANKLY with bright-green glitter glue. It was one of the most amazingest signs I’d ever seen.

  I made a brain note to remember that Elizabeth was an excellent sign maker. If I ever opened a sign shop, she would be the first person I’d hire. She and Elliott taped it to the front of the table.

  Just then, the bell rang. Recess was over and lunch had started. “We are officially open for business,” I announced.

  Then we watched as kids streamed into the cafeteria for lunch. Once kids started to sit down with their trays, I told Elizabeth, Millicent, and Elliott that they could get to work. But they all looked at one another confusified. That is when I realized I hadn’t told them how it worked!

  “One of you has to go and pick the exact right person to get their fortunes told,” I explained.

  They all looked at one another. Who would it be?

  “You could take turns,” I suggested.

  “Can I go first?” Elliott asked.

  I looked at the others who seemed not to mind.

  “Sure.”

  “How will I know who to pick?” Elliott asked. That is when I remembered what Star had told me. “You will feel it deep inside your guts.”