“I’m great, tired. It was a long drive but we’re here in sunny Georgia.”
I smiled, he was just so cute. “That’s good.”
“Yes it is. How’re you doing?”
I didn’t want him to worry about me, but he could read me too well even over the phone so it didn’t pay to lie. “I’m okay I guess. Mostly the same. I think it’s going to take a long time for my heart to fix itself.”
“You know, sugar, sometimes they never do.”
“Hey, I thought you were trying to make me feel better.”
“I am, but you need to face facts too.”
“Oh yeah, trust me, I’ve been doing that all week while working on their songs. Every day is torture. Listening to them play, thinking about him…them. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about it. Anything new?”
“Yeah a couple of things. The lawyer thinks he found a loophole to get them out of the contract with Rod but they’d still be with Symmetry.”
“Damn.”
“No it’s okay, we can get them another manager. They aren’t all playing both sides.”
“How’d you find the loophole? I thought we were out of luck.”
“We were, until I talked to an old friend and he mentioned something we hadn’t thought of and sure enough there it was. So it’s just a matter of the lawyer drawing up the new paperwork dissolving the old contract, then the guys need to hire a new manager. Symmetry will have to send them a new contract and this time it’ll be fair.”
“That’s great. I’ll be happy to see dickman get kicked to the curb. It’ll be good for them.” I was happy, I really was. I didn’t understand how I could be so happy and so miserable at the same time. No matter what had happened between us, they were a damn good band and deserved their shot. It wasn’t right to have the deck stacked against them from the beginning.
“I heard Flame saying he was trying to get Michelle to come down for Saturday’s concert—that boy has it bad.”
“Yeah it sounds like it. She stayed with me for a few days and he kept calling.”
“Why don’t you come down with her?”
“You too? What is it with all of you? She keeps telling me she won’t go without me, and now you. Is there something going on I need to know about?”
“Not that I know of, except Chaos is missing you like crazy. He is all torn up you won’t answer his calls. Maybe even if you can’t forgive him, if you both talk it out it’ll help?”
Inside my heart the wound opened wider and the blood poured from it like an open faucet. Didn’t they realize that seeing him would be the end for me? I wanted to hate him, but I couldn’t stop loving him, and it made it all hurt worse, because I felt stupid for falling for someone in a rock band. It was like being Sleeping Beauty and knowing if I touched the spindle I could die, then touching it anyway.
“I don’t know, Joe. I’ll think about it, that’s all I can promise for now.”
“Thank you, but you only have two days until the show.”
“Yes, I know and I’ll remember.”
We talked a little more then hung up. I knew he’d call tomorrow and he’d ask me to come down again. I wondered if Chaos even realized they were all trying to get me to come down, or what a good friend he had in Joe. Could I stand to see him, to hear him sing?
It took time for wounds to heal and it’d been less than a week. Maybe if I gave it more time then went to see him it’d be better. I knew what Joe and Michelle were trying to do, but what if I wanted to avoid it?
I’d had enough work for one day. I cleaned up all the music sheets and went to figure out what to have for dinner. I wasn’t hungry but I learned the hard way if I didn’t eat at least once a day I was sick the next morning. Opening the fridge and the cabinets nothing looked appetizing so I settled for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of milk. It covered most of the food groups at least.
I turned on the TV and flipped to one of the news channels. The world was in a shitty place now that’s for sure, everywhere I looked things were depressing. I’d been lucky my mother had a good job and life insurance, and she’d saved every penny of the money my father, or dickman sent. I didn’t have to work for at least a year if I didn’t want to. Even the apartment had been paid for. But sitting around doing nothing wasn’t me either, I needed to be around people, and teaching little kids would be fun. Michelle and I had talked about teaching in the same school since we met. Hopefully next year it’d be a reality, unless she ran off with Flame.
Shit. Would she do that? Why not? She should if he made her happy. I’d be okay here. She could visit whenever they were touring nearby. Life on the road—not all that much fun—but not as bad as I’d thought either. Thinking about the bus made me think about Chaos, and thinking about Chaos took what little appetite I had away. I put the sandwich down after three bites and changed the channel on the TV hoping for a distraction.
An entertainment show came on and just my luck they were featuring Raining Chaos. It looked like they were in Atlanta with them. The woman was interviewing Chaos and he looked amazing, his long black hair tangled like usual and wearing torn jeans and a black t-shirt. Damn. I couldn’t turn away, like staring at a train wreck you just couldn’t help yourself.
I couldn’t hear what they were saying and I turned up the volume.
“Yes, Mandy, our first show is tomorrow night here at the Lakewood Amphitheater and it’s sold out as far as I know. The weather should be great and we’re excited to be in Georgia.”
She asked him something else and he laughed, the sound shot through me like a bolt of electricity and wrapped itself around my heart. Tears welled up in my eyes and I just sat there staring at the TV long after his segment was over. I didn’t even hear the rest of the interview.
Damn it, I missed him, I wanted him, and I loved him. Was I a fool or should I just go and see what would happen?
I pulled out my cell to dial Michelle and tell her I’d go, and I saw the voicemail flashing. It’d probably be a good idea to see what he had to say before I went down there, so pulled up my messages.
“Hi, Cyn, are you okay? Just let me know you’re okay.” Beep
“Hi, Cynda, it’s me again, just checking to make sure you went home and are okay. Please call and let me know.” Beep
“Cyn, c’mon, I’m sorry. Don’t torture me like this. Please talk to me.” Beep
“I’m sorry, baby, you have no idea. I’d give anything to make it up to you, please call me.” Beep
He sounded so sad, and as heartbroken as me. Was it possible? I wouldn’t know unless I talked to him. My mind made up, I dialed Michelle and told her we were going to Atlanta to see the show.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chaos
Everything was ready, at least I hoped it was. Flame said Joe had gone to pick up Michelle and Cynda from the airport. The sound check had gone fine. Last night’s show had been fuckin’ amazing. Even outside the acoustics had been great and tonight’s show was going to blow everyone away. The only ones who know about the surprise was the band. I didn’t even tell Green Sky Rising because I didn’t want it to slip out.
I’d gotten the lyrics to the song and tweaked them to fit in with the changes in the music. Once they got here, Joe would give them their backstage passes. It was as good as it was going to get and my stomach was one big fuckin’ knot. I wanted to see her so badly, to hold her, to tell her I was so fucking sorry and to beg her to forgive me. Joe said she was hurt badly and it’d been a struggle to get her down here, which left me wondering how it’d go when she saw me. I half expected her to slap me across the face, and I wouldn’t blame her.
I needed to get ready, but I was hoping for a glimpse of her first, just a little peek. I wondered if she still had the blue streaks in her hair. So much had to come together for this one show, it had to work out.
My cell rang and I pulled it out of my pocket. “Yeah?”
“Hey, are you going to get ready or go on like that? Oh and he�
��s here.”
“Fuck. Yeah I’m coming. Be right there.” I was disappointed I didn’t see her, but I would soon enough. I hurried backstage and down the long hallway to the private suites. Everyone, including Cynda’s surprise, was ready and waiting. Fuck, I hadn’t thought about how I’d feel coming face-to-face with my idol, but there he was in our dressing room—Preston Mitchell.
“Hi,” I reached out to shake his hand. “Thanks for coming.”
“Bloody ‘ell, of course I’d come,” he said, his cockney accent still strong after all of these years. “It’s my daughter. When I get done suing Dixon’s ass there won’t be anything left of him. To tell me they didn’t want to see me and had disappeared. Fuckin’ balls on that guy.”
“When Joe told me all he’d done I couldn’t believe it. I’m just sorry you didn’t get to see Cynda’s mom again.”
He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He pulled out a picture he had tucked inside, it was worn and faded but it was Cyn and her mom, it had to be. “It’s the only picture I ever had of them.”
“Fuck. If Cynda doesn’t believe you, then show her that. She’ll have to believe you.”
“Maybe. I can’t imagine what she thinks of me.”
I laughed, Michelle had told Flame exactly what Cynda thought of him and none of it was good. “You probably don’t want to know.”
I went to get ready and read over the lyrics one more time. We had only rehearsed it twice, but tonight would be the debut of our new ballad “Sinning for Love”. One last quick check to make sure I had everything I needed and I went to join the rest of the band. Soon we got the knock on the door and the five minute warning. This would be our last show with Green Sky Rising. Rod had scheduled a different band for the Midwest states and another one for the West Coast. I planned to stay in touch with GSR and I hoped we’d tour with them again. They fit real well with us and it made for a great transition from opening to headliner.
My hands were sweaty and my mouth was dry, it felt like I was a little kid before the first day of school. Chugging a bottle of water, I couldn’t believe how nervous I was, I hadn’t been this nervous before a performance in years. There was a lot riding on this one and it had nothing to do with the band, it was all about Cyn. I just hoped bringing her father here wasn’t another fucking huge mistake, it seemed right and Joe had agreed. I prayed we were both right.
Another knock and we were out the door. Still no sign of Michelle or Cynda and I wondered if something happened. Flame came up beside me and smacked me on the back. “They’re here. Chill, bro. We have a show to do, right?”
“Fuck yeah we do,” I shouted so he could hear me above the roar of the crowd, and for the first time in almost a week I smiled and meant it.
Preston would come out after our first song and he was going to join us on stage for the rest of the set, then the plan was for him to have some alone time with Cyn and get her back to the wings before we played the new ballad.
Our name was announced, I had Eleanor in my hands and I was fuckin’ ready. No more time for thinking, for the next hour only the music mattered. Preston came out on cue. The crowd, which had already been off the charts, went crazy. Preston Mitchell was a legend and he was on stage with us. We performed one of The Hurricanes songs—53rd Street—and he played the rest of our set with us.
I’d avoided looking off stage until then but when I turned there she was, a little thinner than I remembered but the most beautiful woman in the world. She wasn’t smiling but she didn’t look like she wanted to kill me either. I took that as a fuckin’ good sign.
It was harder for me to get lost in our second set, knowing Preston and Cynda were somewhere talking. I tried to focus and Wrath was by my side hamming it up. There was always the chance she’d leave and not stay for the ballad, but we still had a job to do. The music would always play on.
Chapter Thirty
Cynda
Joe met us at the airport and drove us out to the amphitheater. The weather was perfect for an outdoor concert and the place was packed. Another sold out performance for Raining Chaos. Joe handed us the backstage passes but the opening act was already playing. We stayed off to the side on the lawn and watched, waiting for them to finish. Joe got us sodas and hung with us and I was glad. I was a wreck, and Michelle was wired, it’d been almost a week since she’d seen Flame and ever since she found out we were coming it’s all she could talk about. We even had to go shopping so she had a new outfit to wear when she saw him again. I understood her excitement and I was happy for her, but I still had a huge hole in my heart and as much as I wanted to believe he could fix it, I wasn’t sure.
Once the lights went down I knew they were on stage and waiting to be introduced. Joe led us backstage and to the wings in time for their first set to start. Chaos sounded better than ever and my insides melted listening to his voice. They’d started with one of my favorite songs—Riding The Storm—in a way it reminded me of us. What I didn’t expect to see was Preston Mitchell get introduced and come out from the other side of the stage to perform with them. The crowd mobbed the stage. It was unbelievable, and he was my father. Holy fuckin’ shit. What was he doing there and why?
I looked at Michelle and she just shrugged her shoulders. Turning toward Joe I could see it on his face. Yup, it’d been a setup. Everyone knew he was going to be there but me. Why? Seeing and talking to Chaos wasn’t hard enough, they had to bring my sperm donor into the picture, one I hadn’t ever met.
There wasn’t really anything I could do. I had to see how it’d play out. At least I wasn’t alone. Michelle was there, she’d be my wall if I needed her. I watched him play guitar and interact with the band, it was weird. I’d known who he was my entire life but never met him, never talked to him, and deliberately avoided watching his music videos or performances when they were on TV.
It stopped feeling strange after about three songs, then I was just watching a concert, like any other concert and didn’t focus on who was playing, just the music. It was good. Together they all played well. I hoped someone was recording this because it’d be excellent on a live album someday.
Just before the set ended, Chaos turned to look at me for the first time. Our eyes met and just as before, I wanted to drown in them. He was so sexy, and I wanted to be crushed in his arms. He flashed a quick smile but I couldn’t smile back, I felt frozen in time, scared, hurting, and wanting him all at the same time. Before I could think any more about it my father was walking toward me. I had the horrible urge to run away, far away as fast as I could but I just stood there like I was waiting for the executioner.
“’Ello, Cynda, I’m your dad.” He held out his hand and I just stared at it. Holy shit. The moment I’d been dreading my whole life was right here, backstage, at a rock concert. If I’d been watching it on TV I would have laughed, and said shit like that doesn’t happen in real life, but here I was and it was happening. I had the sweaty hands to prove it.
Michelle nudged me, and hissed under her breath, “Say something, don’t just stand there.”
“Hi.” I held out my hand and he took it. His hand was warm and his fingertips were callused, all the years of playing guitar had taken their toll. What did Neil Young say? Something about musicians rusting?
“Joe, Chaos said you were going to show us where we could chat?”
“Yup, follow me.”
I looked at Michelle, I wanted her to come but she shook her head. I was on my own, so much for my wall when I needed her. Sighing, I followed them. I could do this. I’d been through worse. He was just an old man now. What could he do? He wasn’t going to hurt me, couldn’t—he’d done that my whole life by ignoring us.
Joe brought us to the band suite and left us alone. I grabbed a bottle of water and sat down in one of the chairs. I wanted space and if I’d sat on the couch he would have been too close.
Preston pulled up a chair and sat across from me. Sitting eye level I could see I looked a lot like him, in
cluding the emerald green eyes. I’d spent most of my childhood wishing I’d looked like mom. She’d been so beautiful, blonde hair, blue eyed, but nope I looked like him, at least he couldn’t deny who I was.
“This must be incredibly hard for you. I’ve had a few days to get used to it and it’s hard for me.”
“What do you mean?”
Sighing, he sat back, and took a drink of water. “I never knew where you were. I knew of you, but my bloody manager told me years ago your mum refused to see me or let me see you. I had no idea where you were. Dixon swore your mother would take out a restraining order if I went near you, so I stopped looking. It killed me but I thought it was what she wanted.”
“It wasn’t. He was full of shit. Every month when the check would come she’d cry. When I was little I didn’t understand. She never even dated, not once.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say, Cynda, except I’m sorry. Really and truly sorry for everything, especially all the wasted years.”
My eyes welled up with tears, why couldn’t this have happened when mom was alive. She would have been so happy, she thought he’d tossed us aside. I knew she read the entertainment magazines searching for info on him, then later on she’d search the internet. “I wish you’d discovered this earlier, she died four months ago.”
“I know, Chaos told me. I’m so sorry. I wish I could have been there for both of you.”
“Chaos? I didn’t even know he knew any of this.”
“You’d be surprised what that boy knows and what lengths he went for you. He tracked me down and told me about you and your mother, and about how the bastard was trying to fuck them now.”
I didn’t know what to say or think. Chaos did this? Why? Was it his way of trying to make up for all the shit? “I don’t know what to say.”
“Well, I hope you’ll let me into your life now. I’d like to get to know my only child.”
“Mom thought for sure you’d married and had other kids.”
“No, she was it for me. When I lost her she took my heart. I wasn’t celibate don’t get me wrong, but I never loved another woman or married one, and unless Dixon has more secrets you’re my only child.”
Taming Chaos Page 16