“Look, Lei. Forget it.” I tried to walk away, hoping she wouldn’t follow me. I was pretty much done with Leila; I was not a very forgiving person. It seemed that when I’d snapped, I’d become the antithesis of myself. I was such a sweet, gentle, shy girl. I yearned for positive attention, hoped for people to be nice to me, and went out of my way to be nice to them…Even if I was ostracized.
Now? Please. I had slashed all of those attributes off the list. I was here baby, I was weird baby, and I didn’t give a tiny rat’s ass about shit.
Damn.
No one told me how hard it would be to actively not feel.
“B-b-b-ut…Eve!” Oh crap. “I’m sorry. I was just messing with you and I…Please don’t stop talking to me. You’re my best friend!” The desperation in Leila’s tone was almost my undoing. I was so angry with her. I’d written her off but she was wearing me down.
“Lei, I don’t know. You know how fucked up we all are…I just…” I didn’t even know what I was trying to say. I was defeated, so it was hard to wrangle words.
“But that’s just it! We’re effed and we have each other!!”
“No.”
“What do you mean ‘No’?” There was panic in Leila’s voice and I was at a loss.
“No. I mean, you get it. You’ve been here longer than me, Lei, and you know better than I do that we’re all screwed. I know I’m screwed for sure. Crap, my mom showed up and told me as much. So do yourself a favor, move on and find yourself another newbie who you can coach and demoralize and your life will be complete.” I shrugged and walked away.
I’d managed to avoid Leila all day but at night it was tough. I passed her in the bathroom but proceeded to our bunk, slinking into my bed and pulling the hated scruffy blanket up to my chin. I refused to look in the general direction of Jack’s pallet. I sighed and then cursed myself for making noise.
An hour later I woke and crawled over to Jack, curling up next to him and sleeping deeply until morning.
SIXTEEN
Effing Jack.
I messed up. I always woke up before everyone and climbed back into my own bed. Maybe I was screwed up by seeing my mom, by remembering Gideon, by being betrayed by Leila. Or maybe, by kissing Jack. Regardless, I messed up. My body revolted and I did not wake up like usual. Instead I woke up to half of our bunk standing around Jack’s pallet and staring at us. Fabulous. Leila glanced at us and then disappeared. I could only hope that she was too scared to ogle…I prayed she wasn’t running off to report us to Richard and Irma.
I rolled over and met Jack’s vibrant blue eyes. Wow, he really was beautiful. I was ignoring the fact that his hand had snaked down and was holding mine. All I could do was raise my eyebrows at him, praying he’d handle this situation.
He just grinned.
I burrowed into his chest, burying my head against him. He smelled really good and I was tired of fighting. Let him figure out what to do with this situation. We’d been sleeping together for almost three months so I guess karmically we were due. He was the least hands-on man I’d ever slept with. I shuddered when I had that thought.
“Are you sure?” Gideon was naked and hovered above me. I was naked as well and waiting for the second shoe to drop. We’d experimented, we’d tried out everything that they talk about. Every time, it had seemed both weird and comfortable. We were familiar with each other’s bodies, but there was something underlying that was missing.
Gideon knew about my history. He knew what was still happening multiple times a week. But he accepted me. He trusted me with his body and his heart. His heart, that was perpetually broken by what Phil was forcing me to do.
“Just do it. I’m ready.” I felt bad, but Gideon needed me to reassure him. I didn’t want to let on how heartbroken I was upon realizing that this should be my first time too. This should be how it happened: tentative and scary and exciting.
I forced myself to pretend for him. Gideon was my world. I would do anything for him and I wanted his first time to be special.
“Just stick it in.” So much for special. I was an ass.
And then it was done. We were irrevocably tied to each other, wrapped around each other and sweaty. I was in my own downward spiral since, as it turned out, it kind of was like my own first time. To choose to do it was very very different.
That night, Gideon stayed over. He slept next to me and we finally discovered a way to keep Phil out of my bed.
From then on, Gideon stayed with me more often than not. I only ever felt safe with Gideon sleeping by my side, keeping the Boogie Man away. We rarely took advantage of it, sexually; it was more about safety and comfort. And Safety.
“Eve,” Jack broke the silence and brought me out of my reverie. Was it wrong to remember having sex with one guy when you’re in bed with a different guy? Probably. But Jack and I weren’t there yet, and probably never would be. And Gideon wasn’t just another guy…he was Gideon.
I just looked at Jack, feeling my cheeks turn red. I couldn’t even look back around the bunk for fear that we were still being watched. I knew I should get out of his bed before one of our cabin mates ratted us out, but I was frozen in place and I seemed unable to pull myself away from Jack’s warmth.
“You should probably go.” Apparently Jack had the same thoughts that I did. And let me tell you, there is nothing worse than getting kicked out of bed. Who knew?
“Yeah,” I mumbled as I sat up and bolted out of bed and out of the cabin. Shit, I forgot my sweatshirt and I was only wearing socks. I was unraveling more and more everyday. Having nowhere else to go, I booked it to my tree and collapsed in front of it, pajamas and all. I guess laundry day was coming earlier than I’d planned.
Burying my head in my hands, I couldn’t get a grip. I was being bombarded with memories of my mother, images of Phil as he came to my room at night, flashes of Jack’s sapphire eyes and Gideon’s rare but beautiful smile. I had more baggage than a 747.
“Eve?” I’d never heard Leila sound so tentative. Had I done that to her? Before I could lift my head, she’d plopped down next to me. “Um…I’m sorry.” I still couldn’t look at her. I’d been stupid to let my guard down and allow her to befriend me. This, I lectured myself, was why I didn’t do friends.
“Me too, Lei.” I was. I was sorry that I’d allowed her to believe that we could have a friendship. Although I hadn’t made it easy for her, I’d still allowed something to bloom between the two of us.
“No, really. I was just kidding in the Caf. I thought we did that, fucked around with each other. Well, me more so with you, but still. I didn’t know Jack would take it to the next level and I really didn’t know you’d freak and pass out.” I glanced at her and she did appear to be contrite.
“I did kinda freak, didn’t I?” I cracked a tiny smile.
“Yeah, you did,” she responded before sighing. “If we’re friends again then I’m going to tell you the truth. It was AWESOME!” Ok, Leila was back. “But are we?”
“Are we what, Lei?”
“Friends again?”
“I hadn’t realized we were friends to begin with,” I answered dryly. I guess we were friends again. And she was right, we did do this kind of thing with each other.
“I knew you’d still be my friend. Jack yelled at me after you had your little episode and said I’d be lucky if you’d ever talk to me again. Jerk.” He did? Either Jack had a flair for the dramatic or he’d actually been concerned. Yeah, definite Drama Queen.
“Yeah, ’cause he’s so innocent,” I pointed out, rolling my eyes.
“Innocent is not an adjective I’d ever apply to Jack,” Leila responded with a giggle. Then she got a calculating look in her eye. “Speaking of which, what exactly is going on between you and Jack??” I guess we were friends again.
“Nothing.”
“Spill!” Leila was back and as demanding as ever.
“Look Lei, I really don’t like having the attention on me. It’s why I freaked in the Caf-”
&nb
sp; “And why you freaked this morning.”
“And why I freaked this morning. I guess.”
“So, you and Jack? I can’t say I’m happy about it.” Huh?
“What? Why? And wait, there is No Jack and me. Reel it in, Lei.”
“Please. You guys have been sharing a bed for three months!”
“You knew too?!” Jesus. Was nothing sacred?
“Duh, I have eyes. Not everyone sleeps like the dead.” My cheeks were burning again. God, did everyone know? And why did I care? It wasn’t like there was anything going on…except for my brilliant idea to kiss Jack in public.
“Oh god.” I covered my face with my hands.
“What? Who cares? If they’re stupid enough to bunk us coed, they deserve for us to hook up.”
“We’re not hooking up!” I declared vehemently through my hands.
“Yeah. Sure. Just like you two didn’t sneak out the other morning and go do god knows what…” I dropped my hands and saw that Leila was wearing a very self satisfied grin.
“Do you know everything?”
“Of course not,” she stated, like I was stupid. “So, when did you guys start…you know?” She was awfully curious about my fabricated love life.
“We’re not. We’re not…whatever it is your perverted mind is imagining. We’re just not. Ok?”
“Puh-lease. I saw you kiss him. That was not a first time kind of kiss.” But it was. And why did I do that? Stupid Stupid Stupid. That had to be one of my worst ideas…and I’d done some batshit stuff. Hell, I burned down my own house, for crying out loud.
“Look, it’s not like that.”
“If it’s not, you wish it was…” Leila taunted in a singsong voice. Then she got a serious look on her face. “Eve, are you a virgin?!”
Ugh.
“No, Lei…can’t claim to be that,” I answered sadly. Leila got a strange expression on her face and I quickly looked away. I couldn’t deal with that right now. We sat in silence for a little while, something I was surprised Leila was capable of.
I finally broke the silence. “What did you mean when you said you couldn’t say you were happy about Jack and me?” Leila opened her mouth to speak, but I cut her off. “And there is no Jack and me. I’m just wondering, though.”
“Well, first of all, you’re my best friend and we all know that when your friend gets a boyfriend, you lose a lot of one-on-one time with her.” True. “Second of all, I kinda have a girl crush on you so it’s a bummer that you are apparently hetero.” Oh. “And third of all…” Lei swallowed and closed her eyes for a second before she re-pinned her laser-like focus on me. “It’s Jack?” She just looked at me like I should understand. I didn’t, and yet on some level, I think I did. “As in, Jack. The hottest and most unattainable guy out there? Jack, who disappears for weeks at a time and never suffers any consequences. Jack, who has been here Forever but everyone knows better than to ask too many questions. I’m just saying. If you’re in deep with Jack, you’re in for a world of pain.” Leila actually looked a little regretful to be laying all of this on me.
“It’s ok. I’m not…we’re not…it’s just not.” I really hoped I was being truthful since I sort of felt like I was lying to myself.
“But he is hot,” Leila said again, waggling her eyebrows at me. “Better you, than Nancy.”
“Nancy?” I squeaked, but Leila just laughed hysterically because I’d fallen for her little joke. Then she threw her arms around me in an awkward hug, holding me like her life depended on it.
As quickly as she’d grabbed me, she dropped her hands. “Sorry. I know you don’t like to be touched.” How the Hell…?
“It’s ok. I don’t, but I can make an exception for you, Lei.”
“And for Jack,” she quipped. I mock punched her arm and then we both laughed. I hadn’t laughed for a long time.
“Hey Babe.” My head sot up, as did Leila’s.
“Umm…don’t call me that.” He only laughed.
“Lei, is Eve not the most entertaining person you’ve ever met? She certainly is to me.” Leila grinned mischievously in response to Jack’s observation. “I thought so,” he said.
“Ok Chuckles, cut the crap. What exactly do you want?”
“You.”
“Ha Ha. Seriously.”
“Eve, he’s serious.” Lei had a funny look on her face.
“You two can go to hell. I’m over it.” I rolled back and lay down, facing up toward the canopy, trying to ignore my companions. When I opened my eyes, Jack was leaning over me.
“Lei, can we have a minute?” Jack asked.
Oh crap oh crap.
“Leila, stay. We don’t need a minute.” Whatever burned in Jack’s eyes spurred Leila on, because she immediately left. Fabulous.
Closing my eyes again, I hoped he’d leave with her. His breathing alerted me to the fact that he had not left. “Jack. Dude. Go Away.” Was that hard to understand?
“Eve, if your intention is to hurt me, too bad. I don’t really get hurt. Otherwise, I’m not sure what your intention is. All I know is that you and I have some weird shit going on and I think the healthy thing is to discuss it.”
“Well, Jack, I haven’t been here forever so I’m not exactly healthy,” I bit back, instantly regretting the words as they poured from my mouth.
Jack was silent.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I don’t know shit, Jack. I don’t know how to be me, I don’t know how to be healthy…Crap, I don’t know how to even be functional. I’m a lost cause, a ruined person. Leave while you can. Get as far away from me as possible. Everyone I care about gets dragged down and for once, I am in a position where I can warn someone. Jack, please. Don’t bother with me.” The words pained me to say, but he deserved better. He deserved to know what a horrible human being I was.
“Eve, that’s funny. I could say the same to you. You don’t know me. I’m super messed up. But maybe, we can try to get to know each other?” He looked genuinely hopeful.
“I don’t know Jack. Like you said, you don’t know me.” He smiled ruefully.
“I’d like to.” Then he shrugged. I didn’t know how to handle such a foreign situation.
“Jack, please?” I didn’t even know what I was asking for.
“I know,” was all he said. Then he gripped my upper arms and pulled my up until I was standing. Gently, but with purpose. Before I knew what was happening, I was engulfed in a hug, the best most comforting hug I’d even received. Jack smelled so good and he felt even better as he melded my body against his. I sighed. I actually sighed audibly. How embarrassing.
“Eve,” he murmured in my ear, “It’s ok.” Then he kept holding me tightly against him, and for the first time in what felt like forever, I relaxed.
SEVENTEEN
As much as it was wrong, it felt so right.
That night, I crawled into Jack’s bed, pulling into my usual fetal position and leaving plenty of space between the two of us. I just needed his warmth, his security. I needed to know I wasn’t alone and that my demons couldn’t touch me.
Tonight though, he rolled over and gathered me to him, curving his body around mine. Wow. I hadn’t done it to achieve a result like this. I’d done this for other reasons, at least in the beginning. Apparently, though, my body had a mind of its own…and my mind had a mind of its own. I knew I should pull away, but instead I just relaxed into him. It felt nice. I pushed down the impending dread of the days to come, the days when I’d have to begin to open myself, expose myself and all that was broken about me.
Ignoring all of that, I reveled in Jack’s hold and fell asleep.
When we woke in the morning, I realized that we hadn’t budged from our embrace. I wasn’t sure if this buoyed me or if it played into my natural reluctance. It didn’t matter because right then Jack woke up, pulling me closer against him and nuzzling his face against my neck. I couldn’t help my smile, it just felt so natural to be held by him. I kept fighting my destructive nature
; I needed to remind him I was ruined, but it felt so nice to held, to feel revered like Jack somehow made me feel.
“Hi,” he whispered.
Fighting instinct, I answered back. “Hi.” I was working hard to contain my smile.
Then he blew all of my self-restraint to pieces. As his mouth crashed against mine, I knew this was a recipe for disaster, but suddenly I’d turned over a new leaf. ‘What the hell’ was my new motto, and my new manifesto read: Chapter One: Hot guy kisses you and you want it? Follow through. And oh my god, I guess I wanted it. As we kissed and explored each other’s mouths, I was relentless. I wanted Jack and I’d denied myself for so long. But then the shame came crashing down on me and I understood. My desire for Jack was because I was inherently unfixable. I was wanton and loose, I’d seduced my own stepfather. How could I drag anyone else down with me? I’d destroyed Gideon and he was as close to being an angel as they come. I was the embodiment of Destruction.
I could not drag Jack down with me.
“Jack,” I managed to get out, as my chest heaved. Holy Moly, this boy could really do a number on me.
“Eve. It’s ok. I get it. When you’re ready, I am.” With that, he left, walking out and going god knows where. But he left and I was realizing how grateful I was. Gideon never left. He never allowed me to wallow or analyze if he could help it.
I was suddenly realizing that maybe I’d needed to face my problems head on.
I’d burned down my house.
I realized after that last thought, that maybe ‘head on’ wasn’t exactly productive.
Extricating myself from Jack’s bed, I went about my daily routine, meeting up with Leila in the Dining Hall. Today’s experiment: corn flakes and grapefruit…and orange juice. Two citrus items and how the hell was I supposed to eat my cereal with Orange Juice? It occurred to me that perhaps the Caf workers were fucking with me. I just shrugged and slumped down at one of the tables, forcing myself not to look around for Jack.
“So, classes start tomorrow, New Girl.” Leila had a perfect spread: a croissant, orange juice and milk, some kind of Muesli in a bowl, and a banana. I may need to rethink my breakfast tactic. Hell, I may need to rethink my life tactic. Instead of acknowledging any of this, I just grunted in response to her annoying and obvious statement. “So are you scared?”
Forgiving Eve: A Novel Page 7