“The only thing scaring me is that smile you have on your face, Lei.” It was indeed pretty creepy. Scariest squirrel you’ll ever meet.
“I don’t know why I was worried,” Leila mused. Huh? Thankfully I could still rely on habit so I rode it out, without comment. “I mean, Jack’s gone, who knows when he’ll be back, and you’re still your adorably petulant self. I mean, look at your tray.” She looked at me affectionately and it took all of my will power not to smack her.
“Yeah, well I thought it might be fun to try corn flakes and OJ. Too bad I chickened out at the last minute,” I responded in my usual deadpan.
“Oh Eve. You are too amazing. Every night when I pray before I go to sleep, I thank God that he sent you to me.” Seriously? “But not until I’ve already prayed that he will mow down my family and everyone who was ever mean to me.” Of course.
“Lei, you should be damn well thankful that I’m the scarier one between the two of us.”
“If that helps you sleep at night…oh wait, no. My bad. That would be Jack…” She smiled wickedly at me. Touché.
“Yeah. I guess that would be,” I muttered lowly. Stupid Jack. He was literally jacking up my life right now. Ugh.
“So, scared yet New Girl? They torture us in class, you know….” Leila had switched back to her taunting sing song voice.
“Yeah. Trembling.” Dry corn flakes weren’t so bad.
“No really. They are the worst, those instructors. Or leaders as they so affectionately term them here. The death of the teacher….” She looked so happy. Wow, Leila actually was scaring me now. I hoped she hadn’t killed a teacher.
“Lei, shut it. Class is class. I only had a few months left in high school so I’m not sure what they plan to teach me. Or should I say, lead?”
“Good luck, New Girl.” With that, she threw away her tray, most of those good items with it.
Leila had been right about one thing.
Jack was gone for a week.
EIGHTEEN
School sucks. School sucked, sucks, will suck…Yeah, you get the idea. The only thing worse than having to go to school and attend boring class, was having unlimited time to complete your homework. There were no distractions, no prior engagements, no excuses. ‘Life’ was wake up, eat, class, therapy, class, therapy, class, eat, go to bed.
I never knew how good we’d had it during the summer.
It was the fifth day of class, I guess it was technically Friday, and Jack was still a no show. And damn him. Damn me, because this had been a stressful week and who knew that I’d somehow come to rely on Jack’s presence, at least so I could get a good night’s sleep.
And Greg was really pushing my buttons. He would not let the episode in the Caf go.
“Eve. I am not satisfied.” Well if you’re not satisfied, Greg, then the world is going to hell in a hand basket.
“Yeah, you’ve made yourself clear.” Deadpan central. Or Dead girl central. Hadn’t been resurrected yet.
“Ms. Harris. You had an anxiety attack in an innocuous environment. We were forced to call your mother. What was going through your mind?”
“Um, that you guys are idiots? That you thought that my mother’s presence would quell my anxiety instead of prompting another attack?” I rolled my eyes. Then I cursed myself. I’d given too much away,
“I see.” Greg saw a lot. He was seeing things right and left since I’d met him.
“Eve.” I hated when he got that tone, hated his ‘sympathetic’ face. “I am aware of your background. The students’ files are confidential but their therapists are encouraged to familiarize themselves with their patients’ history. I haven’t addressed this issue with you because I felt like we were still developing a relationship.” Greg looked hopeful. I about vomited at the word relationship.
“But I suspect the time has come. Why did you try to kill your stepfather?” Ok, pulling out the big guns.
I was so not going there. If there was one emotion I had perfected, it was petulance.
“Silence. I see. Is it because you don’t want to tell me? Or because you don’t know? “
Oh, I knew. It was because night after night…
…His course hands running over my body. “Eve, Baby, you are so soft. Your body, it’s so beautiful. You feel like silk. Thank you. Thank you so much for giving me this, baby.” He’d chant similar things as he would take what was mine and claim I’d given it. I Never gave it.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Greg.” It was all I could do to quell the panic that was rising inside as I forced the memories out of my head.
“Funny. I have the police report in my drawer. Did you consider the ramifications of you actions? Taking someone’s life is irreversible. Irreparable.” Obviously.
“You know what else is irreversible? Irreparable, Greg?” He watched me expectantly, clearly thrilled I’d acknowledged his comments. Silence dragged out, as I struggled to get a handle on my emotions. Stupid Greg making me remember the darkness.
I saw my out as he furtively glanced at the clock.
“Oh, too bad. Time’s up. Catch you on the flip side, Greg.” With that, I bolted. I couldn’t allow this to get to me. All of this brain dissection was too much for someone with a whole lot that needed dissecting.
As I entered my next class, a blend of English and History, I knew I was a few minutes late. They didn’t really seem to care about that since they always knew we were coming from therapy, but it was embarrassing because the other kids always assumed you were late because of stupid therapeutical reasons. You’d had a break through at the last minute, or you’d flipped and spent the last ten minutes crying in the bathroom. Some feel-y reason.
No, Greg just had poor time management.
So life went on. Day after day, the same routine. Class wasn’t bad, just boring and a little disorganized. We were a small camp so they were forced to teach to a 3 year age range which only created problems. That was a wide grade gap to cover.
And Jack was still gone.
Two weeks had gone by since he’d told me that he wanted me, since he’d told me he was ready when I was. But I guess everyone had their own issues to deal with. I should know by now not to trust. Stupid mind; stupid heart.
The teachers were fine, they seemed resigned to their lives. I admired them that for the most part, they never lost their cool, never even acknowledged that they were dealing with a bunch of nut jobs. Instead, they acted like normal teachers: droning on in monotonous tones, assigning more homework than fair, surprising us with pop quizzes. The usual.
Day in and Day out, this was life.
NINETEEN
“Eve, we can leave.”
“Yeah, Gideon, sure. With what money, what plan…with what?” I hated my dismissive tone but Gideon needed to get his head out of his ass and understand that this was life. This was my life and, by proxy,
his.
“But you can’t live like this.” He seemed utterly lost and willing to do whatever it took to rectify the situation.
“I can. I do. It’s how it is.”
“No!” Gideon never raised his voice so for him to shout was remarkable.
“Yes,” I whispered in response. “Gideon, this is just how it goes. We’ll get to leave soon, we can have a future together…away. I just need Phil to pay for my college and then we’ll be done with him.” I had it planned. Gideon and me, away from this nightmare. Being normal teenagers and experiencing the world. Getting the college experience and the life we deserved.
“No.” His volume was lower but his tone was no less passionate. “Eve. I cannot tolerate this any longer. Enough! I will go to the Police if I have to.”
“No!” Now it was my turn to yell. “This is how it’s always been and until we graduate, how it will be. My mom will lose everything if you go to the cops; I will lose everything.”
“Not everything,” he said quietly.
“I love you, you know I love you, Gideon. But my life as I know it wi
ll be destroyed and my mom will blame me. Me. I did this.”
“You didn’t! Eve, do you hear yourself?” His honey eyes flashed. “You did not do this. Did you ask, as a 12 year old, to be violated in your room at night?” I couldn’t look at him. I hated him voicing what had happened to me. It was so much easier to pretend like it didn’t happen, like it was happening to someone else who wasn’t me, wasn’t living my life. There was that girl and then there was me, Eve.
“You know I didn’t. But it doesn’t matter. They wont believe me, and even if they do, they’ll wonder why it took me five years to say anything.”
“You were a child!” Wow, Gideon was really pulling out all of the stops.
“Yeah. I was. But I’m almost a legal adult now so it’s soon going to be a moot point.”
“11 Months, Eve. You just turned 17. 11 more months of this. And then what? Does he just get a memo that you’re 18 now so he can’t come into your room any longer?”
“He doesn’t come when you’re there,” I reminded him softly.
“I can’t always be there for you, Eve.”
Never had a more prophetic statement been made.
✽✽✽
“Hey.” I had actually sensed him before I heard him. I’d felt his heat, his large body standing behind me, closer than anyone else would dare; I smelled him. The delicious combination of masculine fragrance and soap…and Jack.
But I was pissed.
“Hay is for horses and I’d suggest you mosey your way on out of here, cowboy.” He’d left me, just like everyone else I lo-…Everyone else I knew.
“Baby, don’t be like that.” I whirled around and shot him a withering glare.
“I said Don’t Call Me That.” Jack took a step back.
Then he smiled.
“Ok, what should I call you?” He was wearing his easy grin, like he hadn’t just disappeared for two weeks, leaving me to toss and turn in my cold hard pallet. Alone.
“I don’t give a shit, just leave me alone, ok?” Yeah, I was in a piss poor mood.
“I missed you,” he said, his grin slipping slightly. I hated that his blue eyes had turned serious.
“Yeah? I hear you can’t miss people if you don’t leave them behind.” Dammit! I was so not planning on going there.
“Eve, we’ve been over this. We have a lot to learn about each other.”
“Yeah? Well that should be interesting.”
With that, I turned and walked away, nearly running over Leila in the process.
“I tried to warn you…” She hollered at my back.
Screw the both of them. I shot them the middle finger behind me as I strode away, having purpose for the first time in a while.
As I slumped against the trunk of my tree, Gideon’s tree, I forced myself to slow my breathing and focus. All this time I’d missed Jack, missed his comforting presence, and here he is and all I can do is push him away. I really was toxic.
Eve,
I know you’re the only person who will care when they read this. In fact, I know you’re the only person who will care…period. I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. I just wanted to get that out there, so you never ever question it.
I’m sorry. I’ve failed you. I have always failed you in all aspects of our relationship. I could never be a good enough friend, I was a terrible boyfriend, and as your family- because that is how I’ve always viewed us, as family- I’ve truly failed you.
I should have found a way to stop your Boogey Man, stopped him and all of the pain he caused you. Instead I stood by and did nothing, allowing you to live in a nightmare. And instead of finding a way, instead of standing by your side through whatever nightmare you’ll encounter next, I took the coward’s path. I have left you truly alone and for that, I can never repent.
I’m sorry.
But like you, my love, I too live in a nightmare. I live in a world where I can be honest with no one, not even myself. Where I have a beautiful and caring girlfriend who subjects herself to Hell but will go out of her way to do and be anything for me. I have parents who care about me, are generous and loving, but would never accept who I am.
I’m sorry I never entrusted you with my secret. It wasn’t you I didn’t trust, it was myself. And I never want you to think any of this has to do with you. You, Eve, are the best thing that ever happened to me. The little girl who was eating her sandwich all alone in the Cafeteria, who sat with her back perfectly straight and never once looked around the room…she was an angel sent to me from God. I can still picture you, your long dark hair curling down your back, your corduroy dress over the white tights that covered your little legs, legs you’d crossed at the ankle. Always the lady.
You taught me how to love, how to fight, how to be me. And I can never repay you for that.
Instead, I am throwing it all in your face.
I’m sorry.
As much as I love you, as much as you are my best friend and my family and my…life, I can’t live this lie anymore.
I’m gay.
I’ve always been gay. I’ve always fought being just what the kids taunted me about being, since the first grade. I still love you. You are beautiful and desirable, but I can’t be what you need me to be. I can’t do it any longer.
I’m so sorry, Eve. To leave you in the situation that you are in is the worst form of cowardice, but I have thought about this for a long time. I’m done. I’m tired of being the guy who everyone mocks. I’m tired of hiding who I am and living in fear. I know I should follow your example and fight, live against the odds and refuse to be broken, but I am just that…I’m broken. My spirit is, at least.
I’ve failed you for too long and I need to remove myself from your life so that you have a chance at something better. Because I know you Eve, I know you would stick by me until the end, regardless of your own life and aspirations.
So I am freeing you and I can only hope that you, in turn, can free yourself from the bondage you’ve been locked in for too long.
I love you, Eve.
Please. One day, please try to forgive me.
Gideon.
TWENTY
“Eve?” Oh, for all that’s holy…
“What?” I wouldn’t look at him, not even when he sat down next to me, so close that our shoulders pressed against each other.
“Why are you crying?” Jack’s tone was gentle and held a genuine curiosity.
“It’s not because of you.” I was so awful. I sniffed and scrubbed my hands over my face.
“I know.” His answer was so matter of fact that I fleetingly wondered if no one had ever cried for him.
“Look, you don’t know me, I don’t know you…I think it’s better that way. Let’s leave things be, better than letting whatever this is,” I gestured between him and me, “happen. I think it’s better that way,” I said again. I hadn’t cried in…I don’t remember. I don’t think I’d cried since before Phil came into our lives. I didn’t allow it because it meant I had to feel.
I take that back. I cried when I found Gideon.
I’d sobbed and crumbled to my knees when I found his beautiful lifeless body resting sweetly in his bed. They’d eventually found the pill bottle; it had rolled underneath the bedside table. I’d cried and I’d cried, inhuman sounds escaping my lips as the police and the paramedics and his parents all tried to get me to move and let them take care of him.
Him. My beautiful and sweet Gideon. The only person in this world who I trusted, who I’d had to lean on and turn to.
The Nighttime got a lot darker after that.
And everyday, I missed him. My Gideon. Family. He’d been right about that. My sweet Gideon who had been the only reason I could wake up in the morning and face the world. Who’d stood by my side and protected me and shared everything with me. Or so I’d thought.
And he’d taken it all away. Taken it all, over something that I still couldn’t understand. I knew the reason he’d written, but something like that was s
o small in the scheme of things. I wasn’t disappointed in him, I’d have accepted him with open arms. And since when did we care about what other people thought about us, even our parents?
So he was Gay. So what? I needed my best friend. And I’d always known, that despite the fact that he loved me, there was something missing between us romantically. But he’d been my other half; I owed it to him to stand by his side as he’d dealt with whatever turmoil he was experiencing.
The reality was that this was my fault too. My problems had overshadowed his, had made it so he never felt he could complain or voice his own fears. He felt like whatever was going on inside of him paled in comparison to me and that he had no right to complain.
And he left me. Alone.
Just as I’d left him. Alone.
I tried not to acknowledge it, but Gideon would have been so disappointed in me. So disappointed in how I’d handled things after he’d left me, when he’d tried so hard to come up with solutions to my problems. Funny how he hadn’t even allowed me to attempt to come up with solutions to his problems…
“Ok, if that’s what you want.” Jack seemed entirely too agreeable and it was grating on me.
“Well don’t sound too pleased,” I lashed out.
I felt his arm slip over my shoulders before he spoke. “Eve, it’s not what I want. I like you. Obviously you’re pretty damn hot, but that’s not really the point. I just like you, I like your snarky attitude and I like how you push everyone away and I like how you look when you’re asleep next to me in bed. It’s the only time you ever seem peaceful.
“So if you want to be left alone, fine. I’m not an asshole. But I do like you and I thought maybe we could give things a try.”
Forgiving Eve: A Novel Page 8