by Amy Briggs
“Alright, fuck it. Here’s the deal, I slept with your brother. Okay? More than once. I did it, I’m sorry, please don’t fucking hate me, it was a thing, and now it’s not a thing, and I’m sorry, and I probably wasn’t thinking, but now it’s kind of fucked up, and I’m sorry—" I was rambling when he cut me off.
“Okay! Okay! You’re sorry, I get it. Relax, Jo. Relax.” He laughed a little. Okay, that was a good sign right? Wait, was this funny?
“This isn’t funny,” I scrunched my face at him. My face was hot, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry, or run away.
“You’re right, it’s not. Obviously you’ve been thinking about all of this a lot, so tell me what’s going on before I even consider giving you my opinion on the matter. And before you even ask, I’m not mad exactly,” now he looked stern.
I needed to just spill it, all of it. “Look, I’ve had a crush on your brother since I started liking boys. He was so mean to us, but I didn’t care. I always had a thing for him,” I started. “We kissed and had kind of a moment, and he blew me off bad last year. I’m sure that’s what you’re wondering about, right?” I asked. Matt never ever pressured me about what made me stop talking to Brian regularly last year. He knew something happened, but we never talked about it.
“Okay, so something happened last year, that’s not a shocker since you barely spoke for a year, but what the fuck happened now?” I was borderline mortified; I couldn’t even believe I was saying it out loud. I felt like Matt deserved to know, and I want his advice, but I also feel like I cheapen my ‘moments’ with Brian by bringing them up for discussion to his brother.
“Well what do you want to know exactly?” I was dodging for sure, but I also didn’t really want to discuss the exploits in detail. I felt like he knew something and was coaxing confirmation out of me or something. “Do you know something? Did you talk to Brian about this, Matt?” I know I was sounding defensive. They were brothers, they very well may talk about this stuff, I actually have no idea. Oh, God, I hope they didn’t talk about me in bed. Oh, God.
“Alright, in the interest of full disclosure, Brian told me a little bit of what happened. Not really any details though. And don’t you tell me any details either, dear God, that’s all I need is a visual I can’t get out of my head,” he rolled his eyes dramatically. “I’m more interested in where your head is at, and what is going on with you,” he said.
I sighed and rolled my eyes too. So, he already knew. Ugh. “Ugh, okay great. Wonderful in fact,” I put my head down, let out a huge sigh, looked back up and let it roll out, “Ok, so Brian and I had ourselves a fling if you will over the last week or so. I thought it might be something more, but it’s not. And now, I’m coming back to work full-time at the station, and so that’s it more or less.”
“So, is it more, or is it less exactly?” he questioned me.
“Uh, it is what it was? I mean look, we can’t be together. I haven’t talked to him, and I’m gonna pretend that it’s back to normal except for you know, that he’s gonna be my boss for real now,” I took a huge gulp of my drink. Maybe this going back to the station was a bad idea. I didn’t know if I could look at either of them that often after this.
“So, explain to me…why can’t you be together? Do you want to be together?”
I hesitated. The answer was yes. But it felt more complicated than that. We couldn’t have a fling, and then go back to working together like nothing happened, and if he started seeing someone after me, I might die of the heartbreak.
“What did he tell you, Matt?” I was dodging the question.
“Honestly, he told me he didn’t want to stop seeing you, that you ended it, not him.”
“That’s true. I thought it was for the best. You know that I want to stay at 23 for the foreseeable future, maybe the rest of my career, and I don’t think that having a relationship with the Chief is a very professional way to do that, do you?” I asked.
“I don’t really think you answered my question, Jo. I think you’re dodging me,” he tilted his head at me like a puppy.
“Did I want to break it off?”
“Yea, that is the question on the table.”
“No. No I didn’t. I've loved Brian my whole life Matt. Not like me and you, that’s weird,” I nervously laughed. “You and I both know how he is, and I care about working at 23 more than anything,” I paused. “Look, honestly, I’ve been in love with Brian from the beginning; since as long as I can remember. But I know I did the right thing,” I got serious, and sad. It felt so sad and so wrong to tell Matt, and not tell Brian what my real feelings were.
“So, you’re in love with a man, who wanted to be with you, possibly loved you back, but since you have no idea how he felt, you think you did the right thing because of work? That’s where we are, correct me if I’ve missed anything,” He summed it up about right.
“Yeah, pretty much. Sounds about right,” I just stared at him blankly. I didn’t know what to say. I felt empty after telling him everything. He sat there in silence, making me super uncomfortable and I shifted in my seat. “What?" I finally said, frustrated. "What do you want to say? It’s obvious you have something to say about all of this.”
“You’re both so fucking stupid.” He put his face in his hands and groaned.
Basically, I spent that whole evening trying not to text Matt and ask him how she really felt about me, or if she said anything about me. Like a damn teenager, I paced around. I went to the gym for a little while, but I felt like shit. I spent the whole night fretting, sick to my stomach, nervous and anxious, hoping and wishing that Matt could help me fix what I should have never let get broken.
I had to work in the morning, so I thought I’d go to my office and do a little paperwork, to maybe take my mind off things for awhile. If I texted Matt, he’d be pissed at me, and while patience isn’t really my thing, I thought better of irritating him, since he was technically trying to help me. I had some reports to write, and I was still going through a lot of things that Jack was working on that he hadn’t finished. I needed to work on grant proposals soon, and thank God, Jack had started to teach me how to do a lot of these things over the last year or so or I’d be totally fucking lost.
It’s really a lot of bullshit sometimes, and often I miss actually fighting fire. I’m not that old, and the idea of spending the rest of my career not actually getting to go in and ‘do work’ was frustrating. I cared very much about being a leader, but this whole thing with Jo has me thinking a lot more about what I really want in my life. If this job is the real reason she won’t be with me, I’ll go back to being a black hat firefighter right now, I don’t need to be in charge of shit at the station if that’s what it takes.
I didn’t have the attention span right now to do any of this paperwork, I was just shuffling things around on my desk. I decided to just save it for tomorrow, so I wandered around the station shooting the breeze with a couple of the guys on shift before making my way out. Finally, I got a text from Matt, he was on his way home.
Yo, I just left.
And?
I replied.
You’re both so fucking stupid.
Fuck you.
Are you going to tell me what happened or not?
Yea, what are you doing now?
I was just heading home
I’ll meet you at your place so we can talk
Is it bad
I don’t know, I’ll meet you at your place and tell you what’s up
Ugh, I didn’t know what that meant, but it didn’t seem that great. We weren’t really phone talkers, and Matt only lived about five blocks away, so it was usually just as easy for us to meet up in person to talk, but I didn’t like the sound of this. I got in my truck and headed home. Contemplating my future without her in it just wasn’t feasible. Regardless of what Matt had to tell me, I knew she had feelings for me and I was going to do whatever it took to bring us together.
It was only a ten-minute drive to my house from the
station, and I had to pass Jo’s house to get there. I stared at her jeep in the driveway as I rolled by, she was home now too and the light in her bedroom was on as well as the one in the living room. I wondered what she was doing, what her and Matt talked about. My mind wandered to what she might be wearing too. She was so fucking sexy, especially when she wasn’t trying. She was probably wearing little shorts and a fire department t-shirt like she usually did. Fuck, I’ve gotta make this right. I flipped open the glove box to make sure the box from my mom was still in there. Safe and sound, right where I left it.
Matt was parked on the street in front of my house, he knew it irritated the shit out of me when he parked in my driveway. It was only big enough for my giant truck. I thought about how I’d either make the driveway bigger or let Jo park her Jeep there if she wanted. My God, I was so fucked for her. He hopped out of his truck as soon as I pulled in.
“So, what did she say?” I cut right to the chase. The suspense was killing me, literally.
Matt laughed. “Geez, bro, calm down.”
“Honestly, dude? I can’t.” And really, I couldn’t. I was obsessed. We walked to my front porch and sat on the steps, both of us staring out to the street. “Okay, let me have it. What’s the deal?”
“Well, first of all, we need to look into this Danny more. He’s making comments to her, and I think something is up.”
“What do you mean, comments?” I was furious in an instant. I’ll kill the motherfucker.
“She didn’t really get into it and kind of blew it off, but I think something else is going on. He honestly didn’t give a shit about her for months, now he’s showing up on her shifts, making inappropriate remarks and shit. Something doesn’t add up. She has a thick skin and all, but I think something is just off about the whole thing,” he said. He looked like he was trying to figure out what it could be, and so was I. Whatever it was, I’d put a fucking end to it. An end to him. Nobody will mess with my Jo, even if she won’t have me back.
“Okay, we’ll pay this dickhead a visit ASAP,” I said. “So, let’s get to it, did she talk to you about me?”
“Yeah, Romeo, she did. Settle yourself. She fucking loves you, so calm the fuck down.” The heavens opened up and released some of my pain immediately. She loves me! I could do a fucking Irish jig in my own front yard. I tried to restrain myself from the dancing and attempted to be cool like a cucumber, but inside, seriously, I was bursting with fucking hearts and flowers.
“Oh yeah?” Was literally all I could say. I didn’t want to sound like a fucking pussy, I’d already poured my heart out twice today, once to mama and once to Matt. That’s more than enough to revoke my man card as it is.
“Yeah. But here’s the deal. There’s two obstacles here,” he held two fingers up at me.
“Okay shoot,” I wanted to get a goddamn notebook out and take notes so I got it all and could formulate my plan, but I sat still.
“One, she’s afraid of ruining her career, which you already knew.” He held up finger number one.
“Yeah, well I already told you my thoughts on that. If she marries me it doesn’t ruin her career you know,” I was dead serious.
Matt rolled his eyes at me. “Oh, God, whatever, man. Two, she honestly doesn’t think you have what it takes to be serious.”
“What? I don’t get it. What do you mean she doesn’t think I have what it takes to be serious?” That one hurt.
“Well, let’s just call it like it is. None of us, especially you, has a reputation as a guy looking for a girl to settle down with. This really shouldn’t come as a shock to you.” He gave me a sarcastic smirk. I didn’t think it was funny at all, but unfortunately, I totally get it.
“Okay, so I need to prove it somehow,” I said.
“Yes, you do. But I would recommend that you first prove that you can work together without it being uncomfortable or weird.”
I mulled that one over for a moment. I didn’t really want to wait. I wanted to take action, now. That’s what I did. I fixed things, I solved problems, I did things now. But I also didn’t want to lose the opportunity to make this work by being pushy about it, knowing how she feels. She’s impulsive, much like me, and she’d just quit and walk out. That would be just like her, and that’s the last thing I wanted. I needed her to be happy, with me of course, whatever that takes.
“Okay, so what are you saying? I should wait until she’s working with us, and show her that I can be friends as a way to win her back? That seems counter productive to me. I don’t want to be friends,” I honestly needed better advice than this. I wanted to just go to her house, and demand that she speak with me to sort this shit out immediately.
“I’m saying that once she gets back on our shift, you should then make your move. Nobody gives a shit that you’re the boss except her. You need to prove that you can work together normally, because guess what, pal? If you end up together, she isn’t gonna quit the department, so you’ll have to work together anyway. So you need to warm her up to that because that my friend, will make her happy. And none of that bullshit from the scene the other day. Yeah we all saw her bra. Big fucking deal, man. She didn’t do a strip tease on the roadway, and you made her feel bad about something she shouldn’t have to fucking worry about. You have to put your fucking dick away sometimes.”
I audibly groaned. He was right, I was a first class asshole that day. But waiting until she’s working with us? She doesn’t even start working with us full time for a couple more days.
“Dude, we’re talking days, not months, not years. When did you become such a pussy? Jesus Christ.” Matt was definitely not one hundred percent comfortable with this whole thing, I could tell.
“I gotta ask, man, do you have a problem with this? You seem like you do.” If he did have a problem with it, I’d have to figure out how to fix that, because it didn’t change my plan.
“I don’t have a problem with it really, it’s just weird. If you two want to be together, you should. I’m not a total heartless douchebag you know,” he rolled his eyes at me. “Jo is like a sister to me, and I don’t want her getting her heart fucking broken by anybody, including you. I want to protect her too, you know? And it hasn’t exactly been her year.”
“Alright, man, I just wanted to make sure there wasn’t something else there, like maybe you had hoped things between you…” he cut me off.
“Ahhhh no. I don’t feel that way about her. At all. I never did. She’s basically always been one of the guys to me, and just as tough as any of them too. So you should probably watch your ass too or she’ll punch you just like ol’ horsey face back in third grade,” he laughed at me.
I couldn’t help but to laugh. When we were little, Matt was kind of scrawny, and Jo was a tomboy. Some kid was giving Matt a hard time, and little pigtailed Jo punched him right in the lip. The kid ran home to his mom, who went straight to Jack’s house to confront them, it was hilarious. When Jack asked Jo why she did it, because of course she didn’t deny it, she told her dad right in front of the kid and his mom that the kid was a horse-faced bully, and so she punched him in his big horse teeth to teach him a lesson. I was a little older, so I wasn’t around for it, but all the other kids talked about it for years, and nobody ever messed with either one of them after that. Jack told me the whole story one day when we were shooting the breeze down at the station during a random shift. I couldn’t catch my breath I was laughing so hard. Jack told me that it took everything he had in him not to laugh when it happened too. That was Jo, tough as nails, a protector, and a fighter.
Matt grew up to be tall and athletic like me, and had his own good luck with the ladies. Since he and Jo really were like two peas in a pod; it never occurred to me that he might have a thing for her until this moment. I was fucking glad he doesn’t.
“Alright, as long as you know she’s mine,” I laughed.
“Yeah, yeah, Tarzan, I get it. Just don’t fuck it up. Give her a tiny bit of space to get her bearings, and I think you might
actually end up the white knight on the horse and all that shit,” he started laughing at the horse reference, and then we both couldn’t stop laughing like little kids again rolling around on my porch.
So, after Matt told me how stupid both Brian and I are, he proceeded to tell me that he thought that I was being a real asshole for not giving Brian a chance when it seemed like it was more than a fling to begin with. He said that I put Brian in a losing situation by making our relationship about his becoming Chief of the department instead of owning up to my own feelings. While that may be somewhat true, I sure didn’t appreciate hearing it.
I admitted that I may have reacted too quickly, but that for now it was for the best because I didn’t want to mix work and my personal life anymore. He didn’t buy it, but said he’d leave me be about it for now, whatever that means. In any event, we basically agreed to disagree, and agreed to get together the day after tomorrow to go shooting. Another hobby we have in common is target practice. It’s fun, and the local range lets all firefighters, EMTs and police officers shoot for free.
He was right. I didn’t give Brian a chance, I basically made an excuse for him, his promotion, and bailed out after that. He didn’t try to fight me though, and if he really loved me, he would have argued or fought back or something. He just let me go, and that’s all the proof I need that his feelings aren’t the same as mine. Matt didn’t really know what he was talking about, he wasn’t there, and frankly, he had no room to talk about feelings anyway. He was a bit of a playboy himself, running around with every blonde in town that has a thing for hoses. He didn’t have any response for the other women comments that I made about Brian other than that I didn’t give Brian a fair shake, and that was all he had to say about it.