Seek Me With All Your Heart

by Beth Wiseman

  “The girl can cook, that’s for sure.” Martha put her hands on her hips and lifted her chin toward Emily. “Bet you’ll make a good wife someday.”

  Emily felt her cheeks heat, and she didn’t dare look at David. Martha didn’t know how untrue her comment was, but Emily tried to focus on her accomplishments in Martha’s kitchen on such short notice. “Everything is ready.” She put a glass of milk in front of each placemat.

  Martha sat down at the head of the table, then shook her head. “I don’t drink milk, Emily.”

  David sat down to Martha’s right as Emily slid into a chair on Martha’s left. “Why?”

  “Because it’s the foulest tasting thing I’ve ever put in my mouth, that’s why.” She sat taller as she turned toward Emily, frowning.

  Emily got up and took the glass of milk from in front of Martha. “What would you like?” How did I ever get talked into this? She put the glass of milk on the counter, then turned and waited. But before Martha could answer, Emily asked, “Do you have any chocolate syrup, like you put on ice cream?” Levi didn’t like the taste of milk either, and Emily’s mother had been adding a squirt of chocolate syrup to it for as long as Emily could remember.

  “No, Emily. I’m not adding chocolate syrup to my milk. I don’t like milk, with or without chocolate in it.” Martha sighed. “There’s a cola in the fridge I can drink.”

  Emily picked up the milk and put it back in front of Martha. “Cola is bad for you. Milk makes you have strong bones.” Emily folded her arms across her chest and pressed her lips together.

  “I—I don’t . . .” Martha sighed. “Fine, Emily. I will drink the milk.”

  Emily sat back down.

  “Even though I can’t stand it.” Martha reached for the spoon Emily had put in the creamed celery. “I love the way your people make celery.”

  “My people also pray before a meal.” Emily folded her hands in front of her on the table, then bowed her head. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Martha ease the spoon back down, then bow her head. After she was done silently thanking the Lord for the food before them, she lifted her head to see Martha’s head still firmly down, her eyes squeezed shut.

  Emily waited. And waited. She looked across the table at David, who shrugged lightly. “Martha?”

  Martha’s eyes bolted open. “What?”

  “Are you done praying?” Emily unfolded the cloth napkin and put it in her lap.

  “Done? I was waiting on you to get started.”

  “We pray silently before and after a meal.” Emily fought a grin. “I thought you knew that.”

  Martha let out a heavy sigh. “No, Emily, I didn’t know that. For the sake of us who don’t have a direct connection to God, maybe you could say a little something out loud instead of making me guess.”

  Emily looked across the table at David and noticed he had covered his mouth with his hand, though Emily could see him stifling a grin. She took a deep breath as she lowered her head and thought about her lack of connection with God for the past three months. Then she recited a generic prayer that she’d been silently saying before meals for months. “Dear Lord, bless this food before us, bless the days ahead of us, and bless all who cross in front of us or behind us, as we all make our way to You. Aamen.”

  She knew she was just going through the motions. But she also knew that she hadn’t really sought out true communion with God since her attack. She loved God, but her trust in His will had left her the day James forced himself on her.

  Seek Me with all your heart, Emily . . .

  Emily heard Martha and David both say Amen, and out of the corner of her eye, she saw them start to load their plates, but she sat quiet and still for a moment. She wondered if it was the inner voice that she hadn’t heard in such a long time, but she was unsure how to seek out what she’d come to doubt. For the first time in her life, Emily found her faith tested, and she couldn’t seem to find her way back to the peacefulness that she’d evidently taken for granted.

  “I need to talk to you both about something.” Martha scooped another spoonful of creamed celery onto her plate. Emily and David waited for Martha to take a bite, then swallow, before she went on. “I’m not a well woman, as you can see by my back trouble.” She reached around with one hand and rubbed the middle of her back. “I could use some help around here, and I’ll gladly pay both of you to come help me clean this place up, and”—she cut her eyes in Emily’s direction— “maybe even prepare a couple of meals like this every week.”

  Emily halted her fork, filled with meatloaf, halfway to her mouth. “Martha, I’m sure there are lots of folks that you could pay to help you, but I have a job at the country store.”

  David didn’t say anything, but instead pushed some food around on his plate.

  Martha shrugged. “Suit yourself, but I was thinking along the lines of about fifty dollars per day, just a couple of hours each evening to help me clean, cook a meal, and . . .” She grinned at David. “I got all kinds of work you can do. Home repair type stuff.” She paused with a sigh. “But if you aren’t interested, then . . .”

  “I’m interested.” David put his fork down and repeated himself. “I’m interested.”

  Emily thought about all the things she could do with that much money, but spending that much time with Martha— and David—was out of the question. Plus, she already had a job, and she was expected to help with chores at home and with supper at night. “I’m sorry I can’t accept your kind offer.”

  “Me too.” Martha put her fork down, then grimaced as she reached around and grabbed her back. “It’s just so hard for me to take care of this place.”

  Emily lowered her head. “I’m so sorry. I will ask others I know if they might be interested.”

  Martha shook her head as she eased out of her chair. “No. Only you.” She turned to David. “And you. I’m not having any strangers in my house. No ma’am. No strangers. No cranky people underfoot.”

  Emily glanced across the table at David and tried not to grin.

  “Well, uh, I can help my dad fix up the house during the day, then come do any handyman chores here and chop wood in the evenings.” David wrapped his mouth around a cob of corn and took a hearty bite.

  Martha straightened up, moaning. She frowned as she looked down on David who had a mouthful. “You cook?”

  David swallowed. “No, but—”

  “Then no. It’s a package deal. The both of ya. Talk about it while I go to the bathroom.”

  Emily watched Martha shuffling to the bathroom, walking slowly as she held the small of her back with one hand.

  “I am not coming over here several times a week. I can’t, David.” She shook her head. “Nor do I want to.”

  “What about three times a week? That’s a hundred and fifty dollars each per week, Emily, on top of whatever you might make at the dry goods store.” David put the corn down, then wiped his mouth with his napkin. “Couldn’t you use that money for something?”

  Emily thought again about the gift she wanted to buy, but shook her head. “I can’t. I have to help Mamm make supper at night.”

  David shifted his weight in the chair. “Well, I don’t know why she won’t let me work for her without you.” He tipped his head to one side. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “I’m sorry if I’m holding you back, David, but I can’t do it.” Emily laid her napkin across her half-eaten plate of food. “Sorry.”

  “What about twice a week? I can pick you up and take you home. You wouldn’t have to worry about using one of the family buggies or traveling in the dark. I can’t do it forever, just until it’s time to ready the fields for planting. Think your folks would agree to that?”

  “Even if they did, I don’t.” Emily glared across the table at David, then looked toward the den when she heard footsteps coming across the wooden floors—floors badly in need of waxing.

  “Emily, you take this to your momma when you go.” Martha pushed two large bolts of colorful fa
bric in Emily’s direction. “She can use them to make quilts.”

  “Thank you, Martha.” Emily accepted the bolts, then set them down on the floor beside her. “How much does my mother owe for these?”

  Martha waved her hand at Emily. “Nothing. I like to do for others.” She leaned forward a bit and put her hand on her back again. Emily looked across the table at David, and he was glowering at her as if she was the worst person on the planet.

  “Maybe—maybe we could come help you twice a week?” Emily took a deep breath. I can’t believe I’m doing this. “Martha, you would be paying David and me too much money, though. You’d be paying us each a hundred dollars per week, and that seems like a lot.”

  “You’ll earn it.” Martha straightened up. “Believe you me.”

  Emily blew out a slow breath, fearing Martha’s words to be true.

  Nine

  EMILY HELPED HER MOTHER FOLD THE LAST LOAD OF clothes they’d piled on the couch in the den. Her father and Levi were still at work, installing a solar panel for a nearby Englisch family, and Jacob was at the store. He had agreed to watch the store so Emily could get off early twice a week but only in exchange for baking him a chocolate shoofly pie once a week.

  David would be arriving any minute, and her stomach rolled with anticipation about this entire venture. She tried to stay focused on the money she would be saving, but part of her was glad to be spending time with David, even though she was trying to push that thought from her mind.

  “This is a nice thing you are doing, helping Martha.” Mamm smiled as she laid a folded towel atop a stack of other towels on the coffee table.

  “She’s paying us, Mamm. It’s a job.” Emily brought two corners of a towel together and folded.

  “Ya. She’s paying you well.”

  “Do you think it’s wrong? Maybe we shouldn’t be doing it.”

  “I reckon Martha wouldn’t have offered if she couldn’t afford it and didn’t need the help. If it wasn’t you and David, it would be someone else.”

  Emily didn’t say that Martha refused to have anyone but her and David. She reached for the last towel in the pile.

  “And it’s nice that you and David will be spending time together. He seems like such a nice young man.”

  “Mamm, please don’t start this afternoon about David.”

  “What? I just made a comment, Emily.” Her mother shrugged, then picked up the laundry basket.

  Emily turned to get her coat and bonnet from the rack. “I hear David coming up the drive.”

  “Be safe. What are you cooking for Martha?”

  “I don’t know.” Emily grinned. “But I’m sure she’ll let me know what she wants.”

  Her mother chuckled. “Ya. I’m sure she will.”

  Emily tied the strings on her black bonnet under her chin, then buttoned her coat.

  “Well, don’t forget to make your brother’s pie.” Mamm raised her brows and grinned. “You do remember what he did last time you promised him a pie and didn’t make him one, don’t you?”

  “Ya, I remember.” Emily scowled as she recalled the way Jacob put a frog in her bed every night until he got his pie. Frogs were God’s creatures, but Emily didn’t care for them. Particularly in her bed. She and Jacob were much younger then, but she wasn’t sure Jacob wouldn’t repeat himself. “I won’t forget.”

  Betsy rounded the corner with a book tucked under her arm. “Are you going to marry David Stoltzfus?”

  “No, Betsy!” Emily pulled the wooden door open and saw David exiting the buggy. That’s all she needed was for David to overhear Betsy’s comments. “I have to go.”

  Betsy set her book on the kitchen table. “Gut. I don’t want you to marry him.” Then she turned to Mamm. “Can I play with Anna and Elizabeth later today?”

  Emily didn’t hear her mother’s response. She closed the door behind her, darted down the porch steps, and climbed into the buggy.

  “This sunshine makes it feel not nearly as cold.” David closed the door behind her and walked around and got inside. “It wasn’t too bad a drive over here, but that blanket is still in the back. You’ll probably need that.” David pointed behind them, then maneuvered the horse until they were heading back down the driveway.

  Emily reached for the folded blanket and laid it on her lap.

  After a few minutes, David turned toward her. “Feel like sharing that?” He grinned, even though his body shivered.

  “I thought you said it wasn’t that cold?” Emily started to spread out the blanket.

  “The sun is shining; that’s what I said. It doesn’t seem as cold, but it’s still cold.” David eyed her with a critical squint. “Plenty of blanket for both of us, I’d say.”

  Emily recalled their last squabble about the blanket, so she tossed part of the blanket onto his leg, careful not to touch him.

  “Danki.” David pulled the brown wool across his lap.

  They were quiet for a few moments, and Emily watched David eyeing their surroundings. “It seems so barren here,” he said after a while. “And you hardly ever see another buggy on

  the road. At home, you couldn’t drive a half mile without passing other Amish folks you knew.”

  Emily heard the regret in his voice and decided this would be an opportunity to learn more about David, especially since they would be spending so much time together.

  “So, why exactly did your family move here?” Emily twisted slightly to face him, hoping he wouldn’t throw the question back at her.

  David shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. I told you that my grandpa left us the land after he died, but the rest of our family is in Paradise, Pennsylvania, and Daed had plenty of land.” He shook his head. “I’m going to help Daed get these fields ready when the weather clears, and with the money I’ve saved, I’ll be making my way back to Lancaster County.”

  His words stung more than the first time she’d heard him mention this, but she certainly understood. “It is a lot different here.”

  David nodded. “Daed said even our planting schedule, what we plant, and everything will be different here. It’s pretty— the view of the mountains and everything—but in Paradise everything was really well-kept and sharp looking. There were houses all along the rolling hills, but here, the homes are so few and scattered. It seems . . . lonely, I guess.”

  “I know what you mean. Except for the mountains around us, it’s very flat here. And you’re right . . . since the community is so new, there’s a long way to go before it’s like what we’re used to.”

  “I won’t be around that long.” David stared straight ahead, his voice firm. He turned toward her. “What about you? You planning to get married and settle down around here?”

  “No.” The word escaped her lips before she thought it through. David would want her to explain. “I mean, I plan to stay here, I guess.”

  David smiled warmly. “And you’ll get married.”

  Emily shrugged.

  David’s blue eyes searched her face, as if trying to reach into her thoughts. “You don’t have much interest in dating, marriage, or any of it, do you?”

  She raised her shoulders again, then dropped them slowly.

  “That’s odd. A pretty maedel like you.”

  Emily locked eyes with him as her heart fluttered. Why can’t things be different? She pulled her gaze from his and stared straight ahead for a moment, then she turned toward him. “You said you don’t have any interest in dating either. Why is that?”

  David shifted his weight in the seat, and Emily suspected he was about to tell her a partial version of the truth. He had everything in the world going for him. She’d thought he was sparing her feelings when he’d told her before that he didn’t want to date anyone, but he sure sent mixed signals. Like his playful flirting at Martha’s house.

  “Just not in my plan.” He didn’t look at her when he spoke. Emily kept her eyes on him for a few moments, but he didn’t elaborate.

  “Well, I guess we chose ea
ch other wisely then.” His head turned toward Emily as she spoke. “We both needed a friend, and neither of us longs for anything more.” Emily knew it was now her who was giving a partial version of the truth. She longed for nothing more than to be loved. Loved by a good man, someone she could trust and raise a family with. But unworthiness filled the space around her, the air she breathed, and everything she touched. She fought the buildup of anger as she thought about everything James had stolen from her. She felt David’s eyes on her, and she slowly turned her head toward him.

  “I’m glad we’re friends.” David smiled, and Emily’s heart pattered against her chest so hard she could barely breathe.

  “Me too.”

  “And, Emily . . .” David faced forward, his expression serious. “I know something happened to you, and I’m sorry. If you ever want to talk about it, or—”

  “No.” She shook her head hard. “No.”

  David held up a palm. “Okay, it’s okay. I was just offering.”

  She took a deep breath, then watched the cold air cloud in front of her as she exhaled. “Maybe someday.” She heard herself say the words, but she couldn’t believe she’d said them. She could never tell David what happened. Never. Then why did I say that?

  “The thought of anyone hurting you makes me feel like I could breathe fire and . . .” David scowled as he stopped midsentence, and Emily felt warm from head to toe, almost tempted to tell him. But then he’d see her as the ruined woman she was, and she’d prefer that he not look at her with pity.

  She touched his arm, a spontaneous gesture that caught her off guard. “I’m fine now, David. Really.”

  His eyes landed where her hand rested, then she quickly pulled it away.

  DAVID WANTED TO reach over and latch onto Emily’s hand, for reasons that confused him. He had no plans to stay here, to ever marry, and certainly he didn’t want anything more than friendship from Emily. But her gentle touch sent his heart racing, and he would need to keep reminding himself that friendship was all he had to offer her. Growing close to Emily would only hurt them both in the long run. And from the looks of things, Emily had been hurt enough.