Seek Me With All Your Heart

by Beth Wiseman

  “We will build a fine school,” Emily’s father said as he extended his hand to Mr. Becker. “Thank you for stopping by.”

  Mr. Becker tipped his hat as he glanced around the room. “A pleasure meeting all of you.”

  Martha scowled, but quickly shifted her expression when Mr. Becker’s eyes met with hers. “Lovely to meet you too, Mr. Becker.” She extended her hand to him.

  “Just call me Arnold.”

  “All right . . . Arnold.” Martha flashed a full smile at him.

  Mr. Becker was barely out the door when Martha’s expression turned gruff. She looked at David and barked, “Let’s go.”

  David jumped up from where he was sitting on the couch next to Jacob. He put his cup on the tray in front of him. “Okay.”

  “Say good-bye to your girlfriend, and meet me out front.” Emily’s heart thudded in her chest as Martha turned to Emily’s mother. “Glad you’re okay.” Emily couldn’t bring herself to look at anyone for a moment, then she lifted her eyes to meet David’s. He was grinning, and she couldn’t help but smile back at him.

  Emily risked a glance in her mother’s direction and saw her sporting a cool smile. The last thing Emily needed was for Mamm to think that she and David were courting. Mamm would never ease up about it now.

  “Danki for the cocoa, Vera,” David said. He was still dressed in his long black coat, so he grabbed his hat and headed toward the door. “Bye everyone.”

  Mamm walked him to the door. “See you soon, David,”

  After her mother closed the door, she turned to Emily. “Girlfriend?”

  “That’s not the case, Mamm. I don’t know why Martha said that.” She gave a shrug. “I’m going to bed.” She quickly kissed her mother on the cheek and ran up the stairs before her mother had a chance to question her further.

  TWO DAYS LATER Martha fired Emily and David. She handed them each a hundred dollars when they showed up at her house, said she didn’t need their help anymore, and didn’t even invite them in. But a strange car was in the driveway, so Emily and David just smiled at each other, then went and had coffee and pie at the diner.

  But it had been over two weeks since Emily had last seen David. One of those weeks, a blizzard kept everyone hunkered down inside. They didn’t even have their scheduled worship service, which was to be held at the Huyards’ down the road, because no one could get out. Emily and her family had worshiped privately in their home, as she assumed David’s family and the other families in their small district had done.

  She’d worked a bit at their country store, and from Jacob she’d learned that David had started a job at a furniture store in Monte Vista. But, if she was honest with herself, much of her time was spent daydreaming about David. His gentle lips on her forehead played through her mind over and over again. Maybe he did care for her. But every time she allowed herself to think like that, she was reminded that she wasn’t a worthy bride. Despite that belief, in her heart she knew she was smitten with David, and she couldn’t wait to see him today.

  Today was Jacob and Beth Ann’s wedding, and the sun was shining, with no snow in the forecast for at least a few days. Everyone in the Detweiler household had been up early, preparing for the event. By mutual agreement, the two families had decided the wedding would take place at the Detweilers’ instead of at Beth Ann’s home. The blizzard had caused a pipe to burst in the King household, and Beth Ann’s father didn’t think he could get the house ready in time. Mamm to the rescue.

  Emily was looking forward to giving Jacob and Beth Ann the wringer washing machine she’d been able to purchase for them with the money she’d earned from Martha. It was a bit extravagant, but Emily felt badly about the way she’d avoided her future sister-in-law because she didn’t want to hear about their wedding plans.

  “Mamm, Jacob needs you upstairs!” Betsy yelled as she pounced down the stairs in her normal fashion.

  “Betsy, what have I told you about that yelling?” Mamm closed the oven door. “Emily, please check on the turkey roast in fifteen minutes if I’m not back.” She shook her head. “I think your bruder is actually nervous about his wedding day. And that’s all he’s talked about for months.”

  Emily still couldn’t believe that Jacob was getting married. He’d met Beth Ann right after they moved here, and they were dating within a week. Their whirlwind courtship was a surprise to everyone, but Jacob said he didn’t want to wait. He was ready to start his life with Beth Ann, and she had readily accepted his proposal. Jacob had been saving his money for as long as Emily could remember, and with the money he’d saved and some help from their parents, he’d purchased a small farmhouse with fifteen acres about five miles down the road.

  Levi walked in from outside, carrying two more chairs that had been stored in the barn for when they held worship service at their house. ily, the Stoltzfuses, Martha, Mr. Becker, and a few others, it would be a houseful. Emily wished their extended family from Middlefield would be coming, but the weather conditions kept them away. Even though they could have taken a bus, then hired a driver, it was a long way, and the weather was too unpredictable this time of year.Mamm said about sixty folks would be attending the wedding. All of Beth Ann’s family lived here in Canaan, and when you combined them with Emily’s fam

  “Aren’t you gonna help?” Levi slid past her, cutting his eyes at her.

  “I am helping. I’m keeping an eye on the turkey roast.” She dipped a spoon into a bowl of cabbage casserole, blew on it, and took a bite.

  “I’m tellin’.” Betsy skipped into the kitchen. Then she giggled. “Unless you give me a bite.”

  Emily smiled. “Okay, but just one.” She got a clean spoon and scooped up a bite for Betsy.

  “Anna and Elizabeth will be here today.”

  “Ya, I know. You haven’t seen your friends in a while because of the weather. Are you excited to see them?” Emily leaned against the kitchen counter and faced Betsy, who wore a new emerald green dress Emily had made for her the week before.

  “Ya.” Betsy tapped her finger to her chin. “I hope they studied the Bible lesson that I gave them last time they were here.”

  Emily shook her head, but smiled. “Betsy, I don’t think today is the day to quiz them about Bible study. Just try to have fun.”

  Cold air from outside rushed in as their father came into the kitchen, carrying more chairs. “This is the last of them.” He walked past them and into the den where he placed the chairs in a row behind the others. “There’s a line of buggies coming up the drive. Probably Beth Ann’s family.”

  Emily walked to the window and rolled up the green shade. She counted nine buggies, all black, except for two gray ones. David and his family, she presumed, since Beth Ann’s family was also originally from Ohio. She quickly tucked loose strands of hair underneath her kapp, then wiped her hands on her apron.

  Emily walked into the den and waited inside the door while the guests tethered their horses and slowly made their way up the steps that Levi had cleared of snow earlier. When she opened the door, Beth Ann’s parents entered, followed by Beth Ann’s three sisters, two of whom were married. Her oldest sister, Moriah, held her baby daughter.

  “Come in. Let me take your coats.” She peered around Beth Ann to try to see David, but the two gray buggies were still making their way up the driveway. Bishop Esh came in behind Beth Ann’s family. Emily’s family had only met the bishop once since their arrival, when he stopped by to welcome them to the community. Because of bad weather, they hadn’t yet attended a regular worship service.

  “Guder mariye, Bishop Esh.”

  “Guder mariye, Emily.” The bishop moved into the room to speak to the others. Emily stayed by the door, greeting the rest of Beth Ann’s extended family. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw David leading his family up the walkway, toting Elizabeth on his hip.

  “Hello.” She smiled at David, already plotting how she could spend some time alone with him today, something she wouldn’t have even considered
a few weeks ago.

  “Hi, Emily.” David set Elizabeth down on the floor. “She can hardly wait to see Betsy.”

  Elizabeth tugged on Emily’s dress.

  “Ya, sweetheart, what is it?” Emily leaned down in front of little Elizabeth.

  “I know all the answers to the Bible study questions that Betsy gave us.”

  Elizabeth was so proud that Emily didn’t have the heart to say anything except, “I’m sure that will make Betsy very happy.” Then Emily jumped. “Oh no! I promised Mamm I’d check the turkey roast. Talk to you later.”

  DAVID COULD HARDLY take his eyes off Emily, and as she headed to the kitchen, he thought about how much she’d changed since he first met her over a month ago. He’d thought about her constantly since the last time he saw her, which filled him with anticipation and worry, all rolled into one big desire to do right by her. He could tell when they were together the last time that Emily was starting to care for him. The way she nuzzled against him during the ride, the way her eyes twinkled when she spoke to him—all things that would have pleased him a lot under different circumstances. He just hoped he had the self-discipline not to encourage anything more than friendship. Kissing her forehead and almost kissing her on the lips had been a mistake. Now he constantly thought about how much he wanted to hold her in his arms, kiss her, tell her that he was drawn to her in a way that scared him.

  He’d prayed constantly, asked God to give him the strength to walk away from her before they both got hurt. David knew he would be going back to Lancaster County to live out the rest of his life, however long that might be. He recalled again how he overheard his father and Lillian talking after his kidney transplant. Lillian had been crying when she’d said, “But if his kidney only lasts five to ten years, he’ll only be twenty or twenty-five.” He took a deep breath and prayed for strength.

  After Emily scurried off, David walked around the room, saying hello to everyone, introducing himself to most of them. He turned his attention toward the door and wasn’t surprised to see Mr. Becker walk in—with Martha on his arm.

  He hadn’t seen Mr. Becker since the night of Vera’s accident, but he’d figured it was his car in front of Martha’s house until about eight o’clock a couple of evenings a week. David was happy for Martha. On the outside, a cranky old woman, but inside, she just wanted to love and be loved. He could certainly understand that, and neither he nor Emily were upset about Martha abruptly firing them. He’d felt guilty for taking Martha’s money anyway. Now, with his new job at the furniture store, he could continue saving money to get back to Lancaster County.

  “Hello, Mr. Becker.” David shook Mr. Becker’s hand, then turned to Martha. “Hello, Martha.”

  She nodded, still holding Mr. Becker’s elbow. “Hello, David.”

  David heard Martha whisper to Mr. Becker, asking if he’d ever been to one of these Amish weddings. David heard her gasp when Mr. Becker told her that he had, and that the ceremony lasts about three hours. He watched them go find a seat and didn’t notice Levi walk up to him until it was too late.

  “You and Emily don’t work together anymore. I reckon there’s no reason for you to spend time with her.” Levi’s stern tone made David look up.

  David started to tell Levi that what he did with his time wasn’t any of Levi’s business, but instead, he stated the truth. “I haven’t seen Emily in two weeks.” Knowing he should leave it at that, he still added, “But I’m hoping to spend some time with her today.”

  Levi leaned forward, his brows pressed so tightly together that a knot had formed between his eyes. “Stay away from Emily.”

  David could understand that Emily’s brother might be protective of her, but this response was so aggressive that it went against their Amish ways. Levi walked away before David could defend his intentions—intentions he wasn’t even sure of.

  Bishop Esh took his place in the middle of the room, so everyone followed his lead and took their seats.

  FOLLOWING THE CEREMONY, Katie Ann wanted so badly to latch onto Ivan’s hand, squeeze it, and whisper in his ear— ask him if he remembered their special day almost twenty years ago. Public affection was frowned upon, though, so she sat quiet and still, watching Jacob and Beth Ann at the wedding table, being served their meal first, as was customary. She swallowed hard, fighting the lump in her throat. Such a blessed day, a new beginning for Jacob and Beth Ann.

  But worry about her own marriage almost overwhelmed her. It seemed to be deteriorating more and more every day. After her unsuccessful attempt at intimacy with Ivan, they both seemed to be going through the motions, in an awkward way, but Katie Ann had just enough pride not to set herself up for another rejection. She hadn’t seen the cell phone anymore, nor had she approached Ivan about it. Part of her was afraid he would lie about it.

  She knew she would need to go back in the kitchen to help soon, but she wanted to sit with Ivan just a moment longer. She discreetly looked at him from the corner of one eye. It broke her heart to see such sadness in his expression, and she couldn’t help but fear that they would never find their way back to each other. But she prayed constantly, and she wasn’t about to give up. Somehow she was going to heal this marriage. Ivan was all she had.

  Right away she realized that her thought was not in line with what marriage was all about. She should want to be with Ivan because she loved him, because he was her husband—not because he was all she had. Even though it was true.

  She’d never made much attempt to develop relationships with Ivan’s family, even though they’d always been close by. Without her own family near, Ivan’s sisters—Mary Ellen and Rebecca, along with her sister-in-law, Lillian—had tried to create a closer friendship with her when they lived in Lancaster County, and Lillian was still trying while they were living in this foreign place. Katie Ann knew that the sin of jealousy had often kept her distant from them. They all had children, a family to care for. All she’d ever had to care for was Ivan, and now he was as distant as Lancaster County was, and he didn’t seem to need, or want, her at all. Sadness crept over Katie Ann as she watched the way Jacob and Beth Ann gazed into each other’s eyes.

  She silently prayed for God to mend her marriage, to help Ivan see that while she was once in a faraway place, depressed and childless, she had grown to accept her fate, and wanted to be close to him again. Despite what was acceptable, she reached for his hand and squeezed.

  Ivan returned Katie Ann’s gesture of affection, then turned to her, the hint of a smile on his face. What are you thinking, Ivan?

  EMILY DROPPED ONE of her mother’s best platters while she was helping the other women clean the kitchen. “Sorry, Mamm,” she said as she scooped the larger pieces up with her hand.

  “You’re in such a hurry, Emily.” Mamm threw her hands on her hips and frowned, but then her lips turned upward. “Are you rushing around like this so you can go spend some time with David?”

  “No!” Emily walked to the pantry and pulled out a broom and dustpan, scanning the room as she did, to see who else might have heard her mother’s comment. Lillian must have. Even though Lillian kept her head down, Emily saw her grin. She wondered if David had said anything to her.

  Emily squatted and swept the small pieces of glass into the dustpan, hoping her mother would let it go. She saw David ease his way through the kitchen, nodding with his head for her to follow him outside.

  “Do you need any more help?” Emily faced her mother, bit her lip, and knew her mother had seen David’s nod.

  Mamm arched one brow as she grinned. “No, you go ahead, Emily.”

  Emily put on her heavy black coat and gloves, then tied her bonnet atop her prayer covering. She walked out the door and saw David heading toward the barn. She was unsure if he was joining some of the other men in there or expecting her to follow. She pulled her galoshes over her black tennis shoes and decided to take a chance.

  When she reached the barn, she peeked in the door. He was alone, leaning against a workbench.
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br />   David just stared at her, so much so that she pulled her eyes from his and looked down at the ground. When she looked back up, he was still looking at her. “What? What are you looking at me like that for?”

  He gave a quick shake of his head.“I—I don’t know. Nothing.”

  She moved closer to him. “Are you sure?”

  David pushed his coat to the side, then looped his thumbs underneath his suspenders. “Aw, you wouldn’t be interested anyway.” He shrugged, but with a grin.

  “Stop playing with me, David Stoltzfus.” Emily playfully stomped her foot. “Tell me.”

  “Or what?” He leaned back farther against the bench and crossed his ankles.

  Emily moved even closer to him. “Or I will—I will . . . Oh, I don’t know!” She slapped her hands to her side about the same time that David stood straight up, leaned forward, and pulled her to him. It caught her off guard, but the feel of his arms gently around her caused her to feel weak in the knees. She laid her head against his chest, unsure what else to do but enjoy the moment.

  David eased her away, then cupped her chin in his hand. Ben Byler had kissed her on the cheek one time after a singing, but nothing like she suspected was on David’s mind. He leaned down, and when his lips met hers, Emily was sure she’d floated a foot off the ground. But it didn’t last. He pulled back, clutched her arms, then eased her back.

  “Emily, I’m so sorry.”

  Sorry, why? She looked down at the ground. It wasn’t a long enough kiss for her to be actually bad at it. She wasn’t sure exactly what happened, but she was embarrassed.

  “I shouldn’t have done that.” He paused and let out a heavy sigh. “It’s just that it’s all I’ve been thinking about since the last time I saw you.”

  “Me too,” she said sheepishly as she looked up and locked eyes with him.